


The Last Something That Meant Anything

by jaded25



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Anal Sex, Angst, Attempted Rape/Non-Con, Blow Jobs, Break Up, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Eventual Smut, F/M, Fluff, M/M, What Have I Done
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-06-05
Updated: 2014-06-23
Packaged: 2018-02-03 09:44:29
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 12
Words: 95,276
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1740089
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jaded25/pseuds/jaded25
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"You know my heart - so tell me honestly, did you ever really want this?<br/>So I’ll sing this song for every word that comes out wrong<br/>But I’ll be okay – is that what you want me to say?" </p><p>In the end, it's neither the fame or the pressure, nor Management or the constant hiding and denying that tears them apart. Or maybe it's a sum of all  and so much more on top.<br/>In the end, it's Harry.</p><p>When Harry leaves the band - leaves Louis - to pursue his dreams of a solo career, he breaks much more  than just One Direction.<br/>It's a gamble and a new start for each of the boys but while Harry walked away smiling, finally having got everything he apparently dreamt of, Louis is left to pick the pieces up. </p><p>Some hearts don't break even, some are simply shattered. So can you really learn to un-love someone?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. It's called break-up (cause we are broken)

**Author's Note:**

> This a work of fiction, i.e. my imagination running wild. 
> 
> Also, English isn't my first language so if you come across any funny expressions it's only me to blame (and dict.cc). None of this is beta'd so any spelling mistakes and typos - you guessed it - down to me. I apologise in advance.

_United States, Atlanta, Georgia Dome, 1 st October 2014 _

In the end, it’s Liam who snaps. Which is a little ironic because Liam was always the calm one, level-headed and most balanced.

So Louis stands there a little thunderstruck when Liam grabs Harry’s collar after their concert, basically throwing him into the wall before his fist collides with Harry’s jaw.

“Fuck you, Harry,” he spits. “Do you even know what you have done?”

Harry stares at the ground, absentmindedly rubbing his hurting jaw but not acknowledging that he heard a single word Liam said.

“Seriously, H. Tell me you didn’t! Tell me you didn’t…” Niall chokes on his words and Louis can kind of understand him. It’s been four hours since they discovered it and he still can’t wrap his head around it, let alone form words. He’s still hoping to hear the sound of his alarm, to wake up in his bed in the hotel and realize it was just a really fucked up, bad dream.

“I didn’t do what?” Eventually Harry looks up, green eyes unnaturally bright, and glares at them.

“This is a joke, right?” Niall waves his phone. “This is some sick shit Grimshaw made up to annoy us, to raise the number of listeners, right? It’s nothing, it’s a hoax!”

“And what if it isn’t?” At first, neither of them heard the words, spoken so quietly. But then Niall sucks in a breath and Louis can feel Zayn tense up next to him.

It’s only when Liam turns around and kicks some sort of expensive technical equipment across the room that they break out of this trance.

And then all hell breaks loose.

Liam and Niall both start yelling at Harry but Louis doesn’t listen. It feels like drowning, like he’s just centimeters from the surface but running out of air too fast to break it. His heart is beating a tattoo in his chest and he realizes he’s panting shallowly but can’t do anything against it. He feels Zayn’s eyes on him but keeps staring at his shoes, thinking if he doesn’t look up, if he doesn’t listen to a word they’re saying it’s not real. It’s not happening, Harry didn’t just…

“You singlehandedly ruined all our careers!” Niall spits with so much venom that even Louis flinches.

“Our _careers_?” Harry snorts. “Really? How long were you planning on doing this shit, Niall?!”

That stuns them all into silence and eventually Louis looks up.

“You were always planning on leaving?” he doesn’t realize he actually spoke up until he feels four pairs of eyes focused on him.

“I…” Harry runs his hands through his hair, some of the fight leaving his body when he looks at Louis.

“For a while, I was planning to do it for a while now,” he finally admits and Louis doesn’t know what hurts more. That Harry had an escape plan for months, maybe years, which he never told Louis about or that this escape plan clearly doesn’t involve Louis.

Louis just stares at Harry, unblinking, doesn’t know what else to do. And Harry just looks back at him.

“Guys, come on,” he hears Zayn mutter. “Let’s give them a minute”

Liam mutters a reply which Louis doesn’t get and eventually he hears the sound of steps and feels more than sees when the other boys have left them alone.

“So it’s true then? You’ve got a solo album coming out?” Harry has the decency to look embarrassed and nods. “Yeah,” he mutters softly.

“When?”

“Umh…”

“When Harry?” Louis presses through clenched teeth.

“S’ supposed to come out in February but we… uhm… changed the release date to the beginning of December.”

“Be-beginning of December? You already wrote and recorded all the songs? And who is _we_? What the fuck? How many people are in on this?” Suddenly he has to ball his fists, feeling a surge of anger rush through him.

This is bigger than he thought. Not some lofty idea Harry had, but apparently a meticulously exercised plan, something he kept from all of them, from his ‘best friends’ and his… Louis chokes on thin air.

It’s a done deal, Harry doesn’t just have one foot out of the door, Harry is basically on the other side of the street already and neither of them caught onto something. Makes him wonder whether they’re all stupid or whether Harry is one of the biggest, most deceiving liars in the universe.

“Look, it wasn’t… it wasn’t something concrete at first, just some ideas I had in my head, songs I liked to record when I went to L.A…”

“You bugger off to L.A. all the bloody time, Harry. You’ll have to be a little more specific, I’m afraid.”

“Last year. When I went to L.A. the first time alone.” Harry rubs his jaw and looks around for a place to sit, before he gives up and just slides down the wall. Louis mirrors him, sitting down in front of him and tugging his legs under.

“I didn’t mean for anything to come off it really, I was just goofing around, trying out some new ideas but… well, people liked the stuff I had written so we started recording some and when I showed it to…”

“Who? Who worked with you, who did you show it to?” Louis interrupts and Harry bites his lips.

“Management,” he whispers and Louis swallows hard.

“Management. As in our management?” he clarifies.

“Yes.” Harry doesn’t look at him but stares hard at the ground between them. Might as well be the Grand Canyon because Louis has never felt further away from him than right now. He went behind their backs, but worse, he went behind their backs and sought help from  the people they swore they’d never go to again. Ever.

“So… you and management decided what exactly?” Louis nearly chokes on his words.

“That… that I had a real shot at going solo,” now he looks up at Louis. “Come on, don’t tell me you thought you’d be doing this much longer! There was always an expiry date for this band and I’m quite surprised we lasted as long as we did.”

“Do you hear yourself?” Louis cocks his head. “Did you just hear a word of what you’re saying? Fuck, you even sound like them!”

“I… this is not management speaking,” Harry snaps. “This is me, something I wanted for so long, something you’d known if you ever really listened to me! I finally met the right people, got the proper connections to make my dreams come true.”

“Your dreams,” Louis mumbles, feeling… not much at the moment. Numb, probably. He keeps looking at the guy sitting opposite of him, looking like Harry, sounding like Harry but then again the person is nothing like Harry. At least not the Harry he knew.

“Yes, Louis, my dream. Something you’d know if you ever really listened to me.”

“I – what?!” he shoots him a disbelieving look. “Are you fucking serious? I listen to you all the time, Harry.”

“Really?” now Harry smirks and Louis can emphasize with Liam suddenly; he’d really like to wipe this smirk off of Harry’s face – preferably with his fist.

“You listened to me? So you knew how unhappy I was, how trapped I felt these last months? Well, doesn’t that make you the worst boyfriend on earth then? Knowing how unhappy I was but ignoring it?”

“You…” Louis feels his voice tremble.

“What, Lou? Don’t tell me it’s news to you. Don’t tell me you have been happy these past months!”

Louis takes a deep breath, trying to steel himself for the inevitable.

“I’m afraid you need to spell it out for me, Harry,” he says. “Because to me it sounds like you’re leaving the band. It sounds like you planned this for months. You have a solo album ready to be released and everyone, even Nick fucking Grimshaw, knows about it except your closest friends – or whatever we are to you now,” he watches Harry flinch, drawing some perverted satisfaction from the fact that he could hurt him a little with his words. “It sounds like you present us with a fait accompli and while it’s nice that you ‘ _finally met the right people and got to live your dreams_ ’,” he makes sure to snarl to those words back at him. “You singlehandedly _ruined_ our careers. Everything we built in four fucking years you went and destroyed – without so much as giving us a warning. What are we supposed to do? Liam, Niall, Zayn and I had no fucking clue that you were scheming and planning our end behind our backs.” He has to get up, pacing the floor, suddenly too many emotions running through him to sit still.

“You and management!” He spits the words at Harry. “I can’t believe this, Harry! Don’t you remember how much we sacrificed to get to where we are? How hard we worked for it? You tear it down because what? You are a superficial, arrogant, selfish cock?”

“Fuck you, Louis!” Harry stands up as well, pointing a finger at him. “I can do better than this band – _I am better than this_!” he yells and Louis stops dead in his tracks.

“Wow. You really are a star now,” he bends down to pick the discarded newspaper up, the one Liam waved in front of their faces before the show, announcing Harry’s up and coming solo career. “So since you are the new big thing, I assume the rumors about you and…” he glances down. “That model/actress whatever are true as well?”

It’s meant to be a joke really, but the seconds tick by and Harry doesn’t say anything.

Louis didn’t think it possible for his stomach to drop any further or to feel any worse, but surprise, he can.

“Harry?” he whispers, seeing the other boy tense, sucking his bottom lip between his teeth. “You wouldn’t – you wouldn’t do that. We are—“

“We are _nothing_ Louis!” Harry suddenly snaps at him and this time Louis stumbles back like Harry actually hit him. “Tell me, when was the last time we were happy – the last time we were _in love_ because it’s been so long, I can’t even remember it!”

Louis is about to say something but he can’t physically bring himself to form words. Why he thought this would go as any other argument they had in the last twelve months is beyond him now. He should have expected something like this, maybe in the back of his mind he always knew they’d eventually reach this point. Doesn’t mean it hurts any less now, though.

“So this is it? You’re not just throwing away our career but also our relationship?” He can’t help the tremble in his voice, nor how broken and bitter he sounds. “Three years and a promise of forever mean nothing to you?”

“Forever?” Harry shakes his head. “Jesus Christ, Lou, I was sixteen when we met. I didn’t know what I wanted back then nor who I really was and you just… you came into my life all bright and gorgeous and – you knew exactly what – _who_ – you wanted and I never stood a Chance.”

“I hope you’re actually not going to say what I think you’re about to.” Harry wrings his hands and takes a step towards him but Louis flinches back like he’s been burned. And maybe he has.

“I was so young when we started all this and even though I claimed I had a clue about life and who I was I really didn’t. And you came in like this force of nature, bright and gorgeous and so sure of yourself and I – I let you swallow me whole, I got so wrapped up in you, in _us_ that I forgot how to be myself…”

“And you being yourself means shagging this blond bimbo?” Louis waves the newspaper in his face.

“I don’t know, okay?! I don’t have a clue what being myself means, it’s not like you gave me much room to figure it out.” Louis is pretty sure he stops breathing right then and there.

“Say it again,” he dares.

“Lou…” Harry begins but he’s had enough.

“Stop it, stop calling me ‘Lou’,” he yells. “And I dare you to say again that I – suffocated you, that I didn’t give you space, that I – jeeze, what – turned you gay?!”

“ _I’m not gay_!” Harry shouts back and Louis feels sick.

Both stand there in a shocked silence after Harry’s outburst, before Harry manages to shake himself out of it. “Look, I didn’t mean—“ he reaches out to Louis.

“Don’t!” Louis holds both his hands up. “Don’t fucking touch me! You’re not gay?” He snorts a laugh. “Hate to bring back unpleasant memories but it’s been what – 8 hours since you blew me in the shower this morning, so excuse me, but that looks quite gay to me.”

“Well how would I know what I am when you never gave me a chance to meet other people?! You were always so jealous and possessive, I could barely talk to Liam or Zayn on my own in the beginning!”

“You are such a hypocrite, Harry! Who was the one that kissed me first? Who was the one that suggested moving in? _You_ , so fuck you, Harry. It’s not like I was alone in this, even so you seem to conveniently have forgotten. It was _us_. And there was a time when we were in this together, when we both fought for it!” Louis takes an unsteady step, no longer able to look at him, the one he thought he knew inside out, the one he thought he’d be with forever.

“And now you’re accusing me of being the jealous, possessive one? Wow. Want me to show you some videos of how you lost it in interviews or on stage? It wasn’t always me, Harry, you were just as bad. You were the one who freaked out when Eleanor came into the picture, you were the one who begged me to come clean to management and you were the one who wanted to come out. It was because of you we all got into this fight with management, because of you we risked everything just to be together – and tell you what: I didn’t mind. I put it all on the line for you and I would do it again in a heartbeat! Fuck, I put myself out there, trusted you even though everyone warned me about you.” Louis voice catches and he has to force himself to take a calming breath before he can continue.

“And now you have the nerve to stand here and tell me… that I suffocated you? That you never had the chance to be yourself while we were together? That you were too young and too naïve to know what you were getting into? That you’re not gay, you only like to suck cock and get fucked by a bloke? It took you three years to figure this out? What the fuck Harry? I love you!”

“Well I’m sorry but I don’t!”

Louis head flies up, his eyes boring into Harry’s. “What?”

Harry fidgets nervously, playing with the hem of his black shirt. “I – I don’t think I love you anymore. I’m not in love with you, Lou – Louis.”

So this is what it feels like, Louis muses, to get your heart completely and utterly destroyed.

“We’ve been fighting so much lately, more off than on and I…” Harry wrings his hands. “Somewhere along the road I fell out of love with you.”

“Why didn’t you tell me? Why didn’t you say something instead of always running off to God knows where? Why didn’t you give me the chance to work it out with you?”

Harry runs his hands through his hair and kicks at the dust. “I don’t think I could handle a relationship right now.”

At that, Louis barks a laugh, “No, Harry, it’s not a relationship you can’t handle – it’s a _boyfriend_ you can’t handle. Superstar in the making, now he can’t be gay, can he? So how long did you know?”

“Know what?” Harry finally looks up, but doesn’t quite meet Louis eyes.

“Knew that we too, had an expiry date. That your promise of forever was a blatant lie,” he runs his hand along his right arm, Harry’s eyes following it. Both release a shuddering breath when Louis fingers close around the ‘ _oops_ ’ inked on his skin.

“Don’t make me do this please,” Harry whispers. “I don’t want to hurt you.”

Again, Louis can’t help but laugh. “Hurt me? You’re not hurting me, H, you are literally killing me. So go on. Don’t hold back now, after I suffocated you three long years. Let’s hear it!”

“Why do you always have to be such a shit?” Harry yells at him and Louis is glad for his anger because it makes him mad again and prevents him from bursting into tears. He will not let Harry see him cry. Never again.

“Because that’s just what I am, what I always was,” he shrugs. “A little shit. A little shit you didn’t give a shit about.” He smirks, feeling his heart trying to claw its way out of his chest. “Mr. Superstar.”

“Don’t Louis, you know I’m not-“

“I know nothing anymore, Harry. And I certainly don’t know you anymore,” Louis flings the words at him with as much hurt, heartbreak and venom as he can and he’s glad when he sees Harry pale beneath his tan.

“I don’t need this,” Harry makes a move towards the door but Louis glare makes him stop.

“Need what?”

“You acting all drama queen like. It’s not the end of the world, it’s just…”

“A break-up Harry. Might as well call it by its name. A break-up because we’re broken. Because you broke us.”

At that, Harry finally breaks. If later asked what exactly Harry yelled at him, he couldn’t for the life of him remember. Only that one sentence cut deeper than the other, that there was so much anger in Harry’s voice that Louis wondered how he could have overlooked how unhappy he was. If it really wasn’t his fault, if he shouldn't have seen it sooner.

“… and I don’t need you prancing around me, telling me what to do, who to talk to. Acting all – twinky and gay!” Harry’s eyes widen as if he didn’t plan on letting this slip.

But what’s said is said and Louis sways with the weight of his words and actions.

“You, Harry Styles, are a fucking wanker,” Zayn’s voice is way too cool and collected.

Louis doesn’t know when the other boy came back, nor how much he heard but he’s glad Zayn is there to take the focus off of him.

“Zayn, I – “ He looks back at Louis. “I didn’t mean-“

“You always ‘ _didn’t mean_ _to do this or that_ ’ and yet you do it anyway,” Zayn walks closer and wraps an arm around Louis waist. Harry’s eyes snap down to where their bodies are touching and Louis sees that condescending smile on Zayn’s face from the corner of his eyes.

“Sorry, I—“

“Sorry doesn’t cut it this time, Styles.” Louis notices how taken aback Harry looks when Zayn addresses him with his surname. “Do us all the favor and kindly fuck off to your new found stardom. Goodbye, Styles!”

His grip on Louis waist tightens and he gladly lets Zayn manhandle him, leading him out of the hall back to their dressing room.

Niall is still there, pacing the floor but stops when Louis and Zayn walk in. He just shoots Zayn a questioning look, who shakes his head and Niall sighs.

“Lou…”

He shakes his head.

He and Harry fought before, and yes, they were more off than on during those last couple of months but Louis always thought they could work it out. Harry always came back to him, no matter how long he was gone, he _always_ came back to Louis.

Somehow he believed this was just another tiff, they would sit down at the end of the tour and talk it through, going back to being HarryAndLouis. Because Harry loves him. Because Louis loves Harry.

Louis shakes his head. No, Harry _loved_ him.

He _loved_ him.

Past tense.

It sinks in slowly that this is really it.

They broke up. Because Harry doesn’t love him anymore. Isn’t in love with. Hasn’t been for a while now.

Because Harry isn’t gay.

And Harry is too young to be in a long-term relationship. Never knew what he got himself into. Never wanted to but Louis pressured him into it.

What a load of bullshit.

It is, isn’t it?

Or should Louis have given him more space? Have listened more closely, have supported him more?

Have given Harry more of him than he already did?

But what more could he have given Harry? He already had everything.

Louis doesn’t realizes he’s falling until Zayn’s grip on his waist eases and the other boy catches him with both hands and lowers him slowly to the ground.

There’s a high keening noise and it takes Louis a while to figure out it comes from him.

“Jesus, Lou,” Zayn wraps himself around Louis, pressing his front to Louis back and engulfs him in a full body hug. Almost like Zayn knows he’s so close to shattering completely that he can no longer hold himself together.

“What do you need, babe? Tell me,” Zayn coaxes softly and eventually Louis manages to form words.

“Go. I want to go. Away. Take me away from here. Please. Please, Zayn.”

“Don’t worry. I got you.”

~

_UK, London, October 2014_

Somehow Louis doesn’t think he’ll make it out of Atlanta alive but he does. Thanks to Zayn and Niall.

He doesn’t know how Zayn did it, but two hours later the three of them are in a car on their way to the airport, hauled in the first flight that leaves the States back to London.

It’s all a blur really, Louis trying desperately to hold it together and Zayn holding him tight, keeping him together. At least for the time being.

He remembers he wants to ask where Liam is, wants to ask them what they think, whether they aren’t getting into trouble for basically fleeing the venue, breaching their contracts and effectively cancelling the three remaining shows. But he isn’t able to form words.

Breathing proves to be hard enough as it is.

It’s only when the key turns and the door to their house swings open that Zayn eases his grip on Louis.

“Okay?” Louis shrugs. The hallway seems so familiar yet so foreign to him.

Everything feels wrong. And everything hurts.

“Do you need anything? Is there anything I can do…?” Zayn trails off when he sees Louis shake his head.

“I just want to be alone, Zayn.”

“Okay,” he sounds almost as upset as Louis feels. “But call me if you need anything or just… you know, want to talk.”

“Sure,” he promises easily and both know it’s a lie.

“Lou,” Zayn tries again but Louis stops him. “Please, I just… want to be alone for a while.” He feels Zayn staring at him for a long time, before the other boy finally turns around and the door falls close.

It’s so, so quiet.

Sure, this isn’t the first time Louis been home alone but it feels – different now.

He slowly walks through the house, seeing everything and nothing at the same time and when he gets back to the living room, he realizes that the house is already half empty.

Sure, there are still traces of Harry, but so much of his stuff is gone already, moved over to L.A. to his new Hollywood home, that Louis wonders how on earth he managed to overlook it.

Harry’s been preparing for flight for so long that he must have been blind not to see it. Or simply didn’t want to see it. Because Louis is an idiot.

He’s a foolish idiot who’s so in love with a person that couldn’t care less about him that he refused to see that somewhere along this road, Harry simply left him and took a different turn.

Louis feels cold all of a sudden, so, so cold. He wraps both arms around himself but can’t stop shaking and then, from one minute to the next he just breaks.

Falling to the floor, his body is wrecked with sobs and he cries so hard that he chokes on tears and air and it just hurts so bad.

Betrayed by the one person he trusted completely, by the one he gave his everything to. And all that’s left him with is a shattered heart and the end of his career while Harry walks away as the smiling winner, back into the spotlight he finally doesn’t have to share anymore.

God, Louis hopes he’s happy. He hopes he’s so fucking happy that he gets his heart ripped out and stomped upon just when everything’s perfect. That he chokes on his lines and gets burned by the flashlights.

He sincerely hopes Harry gets just a fleeting chance to feel as utterly devastated and destroyed as he does that very moment and he hopes it kills him.

 

It feels like hours have passed until Louis manages to get up off the floor. Standing on shaky legs, he looks around, his gaze falling onto a picture of him and Harry.

Judging by their hair and clothes, it must have been taken around 2011/2012.

Louis grabs the heavy wooden frame and traces their smiles with his finger. Jeeze, they were so freaking happy. Thinking the world belonged to them, that nothing could ever come between them.

Little did they know that it’d be one of them to tear them down.

He stares at Harry’s face for so long that the image is emblazoned in his mind and it’s too much.

The frame flies across the room, hitting the wall with the satisfying noise of splintering glass and cracking wood, sliding to the floor.

Louis doesn’t bother to grab his bags, doesn’t bother to look back.

The picture lies there in its bed of broken glass while Louis makes his way up to the bedroom, to a bed that’s no longer made for two.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just some minor editing going on :)


	2. Starting over (when a heart breaks, it don't break even)

_~3 months later, London, December 2014_

Louis never calls Zayn. Or Niall. Or anyone for that matter.

He’s not really interest in the ‘outside-world’ anymore, ignoring all incoming messages, emails, calls and posts. His voicemail eventually gives up and dies from the amount of messages saved on it, and he’s vaguely aware that he should send his mom a proof of life before she just shows up on his door step.

The only things he’s able to muster something like interest for is Harry.

It’s a little disturbing how long Louis can torture himself with pictures and interviews of Harry, but quite frankly he can’t seem to stop.

He checks Harry’s twitter religiously, before skimming the internet for new articles or clips of the curly haired bloke.

And he’s never disappointed. Harry is everywhere. Out with a model, dating a new and upcoming actress, star guest of _what’s-his-name-again's_ party, giving interview after interview about how liberated he feels, how excited he is for his first solo single and album.

Never is there any mention of One Direction or Louis. Of course he gets asked about them, after 4/5 of the band practically fled the States in the dead of the night, cancelling the three remaining shows without much of an explanation, newspapers and online magazines are trying to beat each other with more and more ridiculous stories. Harry never answers, always avoids the question or breaks off the interview all together.

Eventually management releases a short statement, saying Louis suffered a burn-out (he has a little laugh about that but is also quite impressed how management explained his absence from public life in one go) and that the band decided to take a break in order to allow all of them various solo projects they had been working on. Solo his arse.

He briefly wonder how much he’d be able to piss management and Mr. Harry Styles off by taking up one of the numerous offers of an exclusive interview and actually coming clean about what’s really been going on.

But then again he’d have to dress and shower for it - so nah, not happening.

That’s what his life has come down to for three months.

Until that day there’s a sharp knock on the door, waking Louis up from his afternoon nap.

He glares at the door but doesn’t make a move to get up.

“Louis.” That’s Zayn. “I know you’re home and I know you’re not doing anything. So open up.”

Again, he knocks and again, Louis ignores him. He’ll eventually go away, worked with everybody else that was crazy enough to show up.

“Listen Tomlinson, I got the spare key, so I’m coming in one way or another. I’d just appreciate it if you’re actually dressed, okay?”

He’s never moved faster in the last three months, trying desperately to get to the door to throw the dead bolt close but his foot gets tangled up in the mess formerly known as his living room floor and he does a head dive into the carpet.

That’s how Zayn finds him.

“Are you dead?” he inhales deeply. “Definitely smells like you’re dead.”

“I’m not dead,” Louis mutters into the carpet.

“Oh, it talks.” He hears fabric rustle and when he decides to look up, Zayn is crouched in front of him.

And of fucking course the bastard looks like he came right off an Armani ad.

“What?” Louis glares at Zayn.

“You stink mate,” Zayn reaches out and picks up Louis shirt with two fingers. “What kind of stains are those? Forget it, I don’t want to know,” he gets up while Louis just stays on the floor.

The room is – well, it’s a mess. There’s no way to sugar coat this. Clothes and dirty dishes are scattered all around and it smells… Zayn crinkles his nose and walks over to the huge floor to ceiling windows, cracking one open.

About to turn around he steps into something and quickly looks down at the crunching noise.

It’s a broken picture frame.

Louis voice sounds scratchy and rough from not having been used in so long but at least he managed to crawl back onto the sofa. ”Kindly fuck off, will you?"

“Now that’s nice. First human being you see in three months and you basically can’t wait to get rid of me.”

Louis blinks. “Three months?”

Zayn is about to retort with something sarcastic but the look on his mate's face gives him pause. “You didn’t know?”

“No, I—don’t exactly keep track of the time…” Louis shrugs and looks down at his lap.

“It’s been three months, Lou.” Zayn sits down next to him. “It’s almost Christmas, mate.”

“Is it?” Louis turns towards the Windows, for the first time properly looking outside and taking in his surroundings.

“Wow,” he gives an embarrassed chuckle. “Time flies by when you’re having fun, right?”

“Oh Lou.” Zayn carefully wraps his arm around him, shocked at how fragile and thin he feels. “When was the last time you ate something?”

The other boy glances down at the coffee table, at the empty pizza boxes and candy wrappers.

“Something home cooked. A meal, Lou.” Zayn gives him a proper once over and has to bite his tongue. He knew Louis would take the break-up hard but he never thought he’d come back to find… this.

It sounds like Louis but it doesn’t look like him. Hair unwashed and unkempt, clothes various sizes too big and if Zayn had to guess he’d say they’re Harry’s. Louis was already thin before they started the WWA Tour but now he’s – fragile really. Zayn can feel his shoulder blades and ribs through the thick sweater he’s wearing.

“Enough.” Zayn gets up and Louis looks at him through dull blue eyes. God, if Zayn ever bumps into Harry fucking Styles again he’ll punch him square in the face.

“ _You_ – shower now. I’ll grab some bags and start cleaning this hole and then you and I will pack some of your stuff because you’re done with wallowing.”

“I’m fine, Zayn.”

“No you’re not. You are a mess Lou, and that’s okay. I understand how – _broken_ you must be. But I’ll be damned if I stand by and idly watch you drown in sorrow. He doesn’t deserve this, you know. You’re too good for him. So get your butt off of the sofa.”

Louis looks like he’s about to argue for a couple of seconds but eventually he just shuts his mouth and trots off towards the stairs. It’s only when Zayn hears the bathroom door that he lets go of the breath he’d been holding.

Fumbling for his mobile, he hits speed dial. “I need you. First class emergency. How fast can you get here?”

He then unlocks the front door and begins the tedious task of cleaning Louis house.

 ~

20 minutes and four trash bags later he’s joined by Niall, who shoots him a look but doesn’t say anything.

Together they make their way through the living room and kitchen, both taking a deep breath when they reach the stairs.

Although that wasn’t necessary. The only sound is the noise of the shower coming from the bathroom, where Louis is shuffling around but except that everything seems… quiet. Eerie somehow. Like no one’s been up here in a long time.

They peek into the master bedroom and their suspicion is confirmed; everything’s tidy, the bed is made and only dust has settled on the shelves.

Louis hasn’t slept in this bed for a long time and Zayn understands the mess in the living room slightly better. Though it only adds to the burning rage he’s feeling towards Harry because how dare he? How dare he break Louis and just leave him like that?!

“That’s… umh. Creepy.” Niall’s voice is too loud and both flinch.

“That’s fucking sad, man.” Zayn takes a step into the room and looks around.

“What shall we do?” He walks over to their walk in closet, only slightly frowning when he sees that most of Harry’s stuff is gone already. Reaching up, he grabs two huge bags and tosses one to Niall.

“Help me pack his stuff,” Zayn just says and Niall doesn’t ask questions.

They work silently side by side, emptying Louis closet slowly but steadily and it takes them a minute to register that they are being watched.

“What are you doing?” Louis looks better, freshly showered and even shaved. His hair is still too long and a mess but Zayn will just give Lou a call. Dressed in grey sweats and a jumper that’s once again too big on him (so Zayn notices that this one actually belongs to Louis) he looks vaguely more like the boy they knew and less like a hobo.

“You’re coming with me,” Zayn simply says and Louis raises an eyebrow.

“Don’t you think I have a say in that as well?”

“Sorry but no. I told you the wallowing is over and if I have to drag you outside by your hair I will.”

“Yeah, come on Rapunzel. Time to face the world again,” Niall pipes up.

“Guys I’m fine.”

“Sorry mate, but eleven trash bags and about 30 empty pizza boxes beg to differ. And don’t get me started on the empty liquor bottles...” Niall shakes his head. “Hey, Lou. Look at me.”

It takes a moment but when he looks up, there is no judgment in Niall’s eyes only concern.

“I know it’s hard. It’s been hard for me and Zayn as well and we can’t even imagine how much harder it must have hit you, given that you and Haz…” he trails off.

“What Nialler here means is that all of us disappeared for a while. We all cried and were angry and couldn’t be arsed to move from the bed or sofa. But this has to stop at some Point.” Zayn gently lays his hand on his shoulder and Louis draws in a shuddering breath.

He hasn’t realized how much he missed being talked to and touched until Niall and Zayn showed up. Already he can feel tears well up in his eyes again and quickly turns his head but Zayn saw it anyway.

“Lou, hey. Come here.” Even with Louis struggling he draws him in for a hug and that’s it; flood gates open.

Zayn holds him stoically through it and when Niall mutters “Fuck” and plasters himself to his back he only cries harder.

“I—I feel so… empty,” he manages through sobs. “Like... God, did this ever mean anything to him?”

“I don’t know Lou,” Zayn mutters in his hair. “I think it did, I think he really loved you for a while before… before it got to him.”

“Mate don’t cry over that dickhead. That’s not the same boy we met during the X-Factor. He’s one of Hollywood’s finest now,” Niall snorts. “No need to cry over yet another stuck up, arrogant one hit wonder.”

Louis is about to say something but thinks better of it. “So what’s the plan now?”

“You’re no longer staying here alone, Lou. I know it’s hard and it sucks but you’ll have to face the world again at some Point.” Zayn looks at the bags. “Anything else you need?”

Louis gaze wanders through the room, looking at the perfectly made bed for a while before he shakes his head. “There’s nothing here I want to take with me.”

“Good,” Zayn motions to Niall and both reach down to shoulder Louis bags.

“Won’t Perrie mind?” Louis follows them out of the bedroom, lingering in the doorway before he closes the door with a final thud.

“Nah, already talked to her. She’s out recording some new songs anyway most of the time so it’s only me and you – a proper bachelor pad,” Zayn grins.

Louis shoots him a glance, thinking Perrie might have some choice words if Zayn really tries turning the place around but he doesn’t want to burst that bubble quite yet. So he just trots off to grab his iPad, mobiles and laptop, stuffing all in his rucksack. It’s a little embarrassing how easily he goes, admitting to being a total failure at taking care of himself once again, Louis thinks. Maybe that’s another reason Harry was eventually fed up because Louis couldn’t for the life of him keep the place tidy or take care of himself. He always relied on Harry to keep the place clean or cook him a meal. What guy fancies playing house at twenty?

Louis bites his lips and looks through the now almost tidy living room.

“We’ll call the cleaners and tell them to get the place in shape before they lock it up.”

“Lock it up?”

“Mate, you’re not going back to live here on your own, are you?” Niall shakes his head. “That’d just be torture.”

“But,” Louis argues weakly. “It was _our_ …” he breaks off as soon as the word leaves his mouth. “Right.”

Louis shoulders his backpack, grabbing his jacket (not sparing the denim with the fur another glance) and follows Zayn and Niall outside.

“Alright boys, I see you two tomorrow?” Niall waits for them to nod before he quickly bumps fists with Zayn and draws Louis close in a hug. “Take care and this time,” he points towards his pocket “Call me.” Louis nods and bites his already chaffed lips.

“Yeah,” he mutters softly and Niall seems to be satisfied, turning around and walking off towards his car.

“Alright?” Zayn waits until Louis drags his key out, hesitating before he locks the house and grabs the bag Niall left.

“Getting there,” he tries a faint smile, seeing Zayn’s lips tilt up when he manages it.

“Let’s get going then.” Zayn too, shoulders the bag and both guys quickly chuck them in the booth of Zayn’s SUV before they drive off. Louis almost cracks his neck, twisting in his seat to stare at the house for as long as possible before they round a corner and he can no longer see it.

The feeling of loss is there once again, new and raw and Zayn seems to guess it because he quickly reaches over and takes Louis hand. “We’ll get through this, I promise.”

“Doesn’t feel like it.”

“I know, Lou. But you still got me. You still got Niall and Liam. We’ll be there for you, we won’t leave.”

“Don’t say that. You can’t guarantee it,” Louis furrows his brows.

“I can promise it,” Zayn says with a stern glance towards him. “We’re family. Family doesn’t leave each other hanging.”

Louis gets accommodated in one of Zayn’s spacious guestrooms and even so he feels like he should argue more, should tell Zayn he’s an adult and quite capable of taking care of himself, he doesn’t. Perhaps because the realization hits him that he simply couldn’t. And not just for a week or two but for three freaking months.

That’s not who he is or someone he wants to be. So it might be time to accept help and besides that Louis is simply too tired and exhausted to fight.

He wonders when this will pass, that feeling of emptiness and hurt.

So he lets Zayn unpack his stuff, sits on the bed and watches him put his clothes away, muttering something about where the kitchen is, when they do the shopping etc. Louis tries to listen but it seems his mind can’t concentrate on such simple thoughts for too long. He nods along, thinking Zayn can probably guess that he’s not paying attention but he doesn’t say anything. At some point, one of Zayn’s and Perrie’s cats sneaks in, ‘Prada’ if Louis remembers correctly. She watches them with curious eyes before she deems Louis harmless and hops on the bed next to him.

“Aww, she likes you,” Zayn, the big softie, practically coos when Prada head-butts Louis arm to make him pet her.

“Fantastic,” he mutters but crooks his fingers anyway to scratch the soft fur under her chin. “You know, I really appreciate what you’re doing here but let me tell you,” he fixes Zayn with a stern glance, “there’s no way I’m cleaning the kitty loo.”

~

Louis sleeps okay-ish. Meaning he only tosses and turns for half the night before he’s finally exhausted enough to fall into a short and troubled sleep. Nothing new there.

When he finally pats into the kitchen, Perrie is there, looking fresh and rested and Louis envies her for a second. He’d love to just close his eyes without being haunted by images of Harry, and sleep peacefully for once without hearing his voice or feeling his touch in his dreams.

He wonders if Harry is fucked up like him but quickly remembers that Harry doesn’t love him – maybe never did in the first place – so he surely doesn’t miss Louis.

“Hey sweetie,” Perrie coos and without missing a blink she puts a cuppa in front of him before wrapping her slender arms around him. “What a fucking wanker, if I see him next, I will make sure to kick him where the sun doesn’t shine – with my 10inch stilettos.”

“Ouch,” Louis grins half-heartedly and rubs his nose discreetly along Perrie’s shirt, smelling flowery and girly and nothing like Harry or boy and it’s just such a nice change that he involuntarily holds her tighter.

“You get through this,” she mutters softly, “I know it hurts and I know it feels like it’ll never stop but you get through this, boo.” Her fingers run soothing circles through his hair, entangling all the knots and Louis closes his eyes for a second, letting himself be cared for.

“What about a girl’s night in? I get some shitty chick flicks, we eat ice-cream and do our nails?”

“Sounds lovely, babe, but Louis and I actually have business to attend to.” Zayn walks in, a whiff of expensive cologne and smoke accompanying him.

“Oh, business to attend to,” she mimics him, placing a smacking wet kiss on his cheek. “Well, surely you boys won’t be gone the whole day?” Zayn shrugs but shakes his head. “Good, so 8pm dinner – I’ll cook.”

It’s a little funny how Zayn’s eyes widen and he nearly chokes on his coffee. “You what?”

“I’ll cook,” Perrie shrugs. “I don’t like how skinny you got, babe, you need to take better care of yourself,” she says with a stern glance towards Louis, who mumbles something and hides in his oversized jumper. Perrie just ignores his embarrassment and quickly bends down to peck his cheek as well.

“8pm – don’t be late, Boys,” she sing-songs before she leaves them to it.

Zayn stares after her with a fond smile playing around his lips, before he wordlessly slips into the seat next to Louis.

“Sleep alright?”

“As good as it gets,” Louis nods, playing with his Cup. “So what business have you and I to attend to, Mr. Posh?”

Zayn looks at him with narrowed eyes, “Glad you start being a shit again, means you might actually make it through this,” he growls before he takes another sip of his coffee and looks at this phone.

“Right, we’re supposed to meet Niall in like 15 minutes so I suggest you put something on which is a little less…” Louis cocks his head and waits.

“Just put some proper fucking clothes on, Tommo,” is what Zayn eventually settles for.

Louis gives a short cackle, before he shuts up surprised. Zayn looks at him with a fond expression and he flees the kitchen before he can start to cry over the simple fact that he managed to laugh.

He pulls some formerly tight skinnies on and grabs a black hoodie, his wallet and phone before he returns to Zayn.

 

Louis doesn’t really pay attention to where they’re going, he’s turned his phone on long enough to send his mother a text, telling her he isn’t yet dead and moved in with Zayn for the time being. He’ll have to call her soon to break the news to her that he doesn’t plan on coming home for Christmas or New Year. Yes, it’d be nice to finally see his sisters and mom again but at the same, he isn’t quite ready for the questions and sad looks, for the hugs and treating him with kids gloves.

When Louis focuses back on the road he sees that traffic got heavier and it looks a lot like they’re making their way towards the city’s business center.

Zayn takes a sharp turn into a narrow road before he parks the car in front of a red brick building. Louis gets out with him, seeing Niall’s car already parked a couple of spaces next to them.

“Coming?” Zayn is bouncing on his heels, already at the door and Louis sighs before he follows him inside.

The building doesn’t look like much from the outside but once Louis steps into the foyer, he can see that it’s been newly renovated, the plush black carpet a stark contrast to the crisp white walls. Louis is a little lost as to what they’re doing here since there is clearly no one working in this building at the Moment, when Zayn opens a door at the end of the corridor in grand gesture.

The first thing Louis sees is the huge window front, the second thing the oversized table.

_Conference room_ , his brain supplies and yes, he’s seen enough of those rooms to last him a lifetime.

“Umh, Zayn?” he asks unsure but before the dark haired boy can answer there’s a loud “Finally!” and Louis sees Niall jumping up. A man in a dark suit gives him a curt nod but Louis chooses to ignore him for now.

“What are we doing here?” Louis looks between Zayn and Niall.

“You didn’t tell him?” Niall opens his arms and his manic grin should give Louis enough cause to turn on his heel and walk out of here as fast as he can.

Instead he turns towards Zayn and narrows his eyes. “Tell me what?”

“We… umh…” Zayn scratches his head.

“Where are we?” Louis asks again.

“This!” Niall spins around once “Is ours now.”

“What?”

“We kinda… well, bought the building?” Zayn shrugs.

“You bought the building,” Louis repeats. “Why would you buy an empty building?”

“It’s not totally empty,” Niall blabs on. “This is the floor with the conference rooms, one floor up will be our offices and if you go down the stairs…”

“Hang on.” Louis holds his hands up, suddenly feeling a headache coming. He knew he should have stayed in bed. “What on earth are you talking about?”

“We kinda founded a record label,” Zayn pipes up and Louis just looks at him with a blank expression.

“Repeat please.”

“We founded a record Label,” Zayn says with a helpless shrug.

“Define ' _we_ ’,” Louis pushes and Zayn actually blushes.

“Umh, Niall, myself, Liam and you.”

“Liam and I,” Louis repeats a little dumbstruck. “And pray tell me, when did Liam and I sign anything? Or when did we talk about this? Was I high? Drunk? Passed out?”

“The opportunity presented itself and we just had to take it.” Niall comes to stand beside him.

“The opportunity – what are you? A real estate agent?” Louis shakes his head. “So you bought this empty building without telling me – and Liam, but we’ll come to that. Why? I mean…”

“What do you want to do, Lou?” Zayn hops onto the expensive looking hardwood table and dangles his legs.

“What do you mean?”

“Like now,” Niall grabs a chair and looks up at him. “What’s your post-One Direction plan?”

“My…” Louis bits his lips. “It… I…” He stumbles over his words.

“You did have a plan, didn’t you?” Niall enquires.

“I… yeah. I only thought we had a little more time so… umh, this is going to sound so stupid but I thought we had like at least 4 years left and then my plan involved a large house in the country side and… oh God… I mean… I didn’t know… I thought… maybe… Kids?” he doesn’t dare to look at Zayn or Niall, just hears Zayn exhaling slowly.

“Oh fuck, Lou.” Niall has such a talent for being spot on with his comments.

“Yeah, fuck,” Louis agrees. “Other than that… not much. It’s stupid, innit?”

“No it’s… it’s really amazing actually,” at that he looks up at Niall who shrugs. “It is. While everyone thought about money and shit you actually… well, you thought about private happiness and love and stuff.”

“Mmh, and look where that got me,” Louis says, unable to keep the bitter tone completely out of his voice.

“Still.” Zayn gets up and rests a hand on his shoulder. “It was fucking brave of you to start planning ahead like this.”

Louis just shrugs, focused on his worn VANS. Not going to happen now is it? So he might as well listen to what crazy idea Zayn and Niall came up with.

“Come on, humor me with your plans.” He grabs a chair and Zayn sits back down as well.

It’s kinda simple in the end really.

All of them agree that it would be suicide to get back into signing and touring immediately, but neither of them is willing to leave the music behind completely. So they might as well do the next best thing to singing themselves, explains Zayn, aka founding a record label. They do have the contacts, know the business and while they might never get as big as Sony or BMG Zayn guesses they have a well enough reputation to at least attract some smaller artists.

“Right, okay. Sounds all good so far. Except – don’t we have a contract with Modest?”

“I kinda took care of that…” Zayn bites his lip. “You might have signed an agreement to immediately terminate the contract, resulting in small financial losses and banning us from saying anything bad about our old Management.”

“I – when did I sign this?”

“We faked your signature,” Niall admits quite happily and Louis wonders whether he still has time to run.

“You… okay,” he takes a deep breath, “All fraud you committed aside – we don’t have a clue how to run a record label.”

“Simon mentioned some names and umh, we called them up and actually we’d have a team ready to start pretty soon.”

“Of course we’d be equal shareholders, no decision gets made without us being okay with it,” Zayn pipes in.

“25% each,” Niall offers helpfully, and yes, Louis just about managed to do the maths.

“I already spoke to some local DJ’s who’d be interested to work with us…”

“Ed knows two or three bands as well who are quite promising and looking for a label…”

They keep bombarding Louis with names and facts, at some point actually whipping out a complete business and financial plan. It’s safe to say he’s impressed.

“How long have you been planning that?”

“A while,” Zayn admits, “I have been looking at options for a while now because I knew I always wanted to keep working in that industry” He sees Louis face fall and quickly adds, “But that plan always involved you and the guys. _Always_. I can’t do it on my own, you know? You and Liam are amazing songwriters, Niall seems to know everybody and well I – I just think this could actually work out. Be something good,” he looks at Louis. “We have a second chance, Lou. We can do it better than Modest ever did and well, if we want to go back on stage in a year or two...” Zayn shrugs. “Why not? But this time we can dictate the conditions, we can choose the media image. No more hiding, Lou, no more stupid publicity Stunts.”

It all sounds a little too good to be true, a little too idealistic and easy.

But looking through the plans and contracts Louis sees that this isn’t just a spur in the moment kind of idea. Zayn spent a lot of time on it, did thorough research and made sure each of them could afford it without having to dig too deep into their savings.

If it goes wrong, Louis can walk away from it without as much as a scratch but if it works out…

“Where do I sign?”

Niall toots at that and Zayn beckons the dark suit over. “Do you want to call your lawyers?”

Louis looks at the papers stashed on the table, at the top notch business plans, contracts and financial statements Zayn and Niall drew up.

“Fuck it. No, I trust you.”

“Mr. Malik and Mr. Horan signed exactly the same contract,” the dark suit says. “You all agree to the same terms and conditions, have the same responsibilities and will bring the same amount of Money into the Company.”

“Okay, sounds good.” He grabs the pen and waits for the first dotted line.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm really sorry, I have no idea what the procedure of founding a label entails. Guess it's safe to assume that it's a lot harder and more work than I made it out to be.  
> But that's the great thing about writing fiction, innit?


	3. Heartache on a big screen (a tragic story, starring you and me)

_London, January - February 2015_

Of course it doesn’t go as smoothly as Zayn and Niall made it out to be. There are hick ups and setbacks and during the first weeks of the new year the four of them spend more time at the label than at home.

But it’s fun and challenging, and it gives Louis something else to focus on, something to get out of bed for in the morning and he has half a mind to buy Zayn the biggest fruit basket ever as a thank you. Sure, the pain and emptiness doesn’t just fade away, but it hurts a little less each day and Louis learns to cope with it, to accept it as part of him now.

It’d be stupid to believe he’d walk away unscarred. Harry was a too big part of his life and he didn’t only leave his marks on Louis skin. The time spent with Harry permanently changed him though Louis doesn’t yet know if it made him a better man or just a different man.

The subject of Harry is still a touchy one, but it gets easier with time. He doesn’t flinch when someone accidentally mentions his name, can look at the papers without immediately flicking to the gossip sites to see who Harry’s been linked to now. He deletes his number eventually and turns the notifications for his twitter off. Yes, there’s still a dull ache but at least not that piercing, white hot pain which would sometimes knock the air out of him.

He slowly manages to put himself back together with the help of his four best friends and his new work. And it certainly helps that even so their label is quite small and they just started, they managed to sign some promising artists already. It’s nothing major, no band that will make headlines in the next year but with a little work and planning, they could become something and it’s enough for them for now.

He slowly gets back into song writing with Liam and even so Niall has a right giggling fit when he flicks through the endless pages of Louis sad / angry break-up songs, it helps too. At least he’s able to get some of the things he wanted to say to Harry off of his chest, even though he never had the chance to tell him face to face but for now, it’s the second best thing he can do.

Harry’s ‘betrayal’, the sudden break-up of the band; these things still sting and sometimes they fall back into that deep, black hole. But now someone is there to pull them back out. There are three other people who went through the same, who don’t mind listening for a bit and who certainly don’t mind kicking your ass when it gets too out of hand. Louis will never be able to put in words how grateful he is.

Fair enough, it’s not perfect. They do struggle sometimes, and they’re not nearly as popular or famous as they were back in 2014 but it’s a start. And it’s something they built on their own.

So it comes a bit of shock when Niall stumbles into the office one day, pale and clutching his phone, muttering something about how it “was just a random idea” and he’d “never believe they’d say yes”. Liam takes one good look at him, his pale complexion and wide eyes, and breaks into the hidden liquor stash in Zayn’s office, handing Niall a glass of whiskey.

It takes them two glasses and a lot of coaxing but eventually Niall blurts that Luke, Ashton, Michael and Calum decided to quit Modest, leaving after just a year and kinda “signed the contract we sent them”.

So ZAP goes from being a small and new label with some rather unheard artists to being a rather small and new label with one of the biggest international newcomers.

“They do know that we’re basically flying blind here? We still don’t have a proper clue as to what we’re doing.” Louis rests his feet on Zayn’s desk, getting them kicked off immediately. They all gathered here in the evening, deciding that it’d be a waste to put the bottle back.

“Well, they said we can’t be worse than Modest. Only condition they really had was that we’d hand over their personal twitter accounts and they were allowed to post what they wanted on them,” Niall grins.

“We can certainly do that,” agrees Liam.

“Shit guys, 5SOS… and it’s only been what? Six weeks or so?” Zayn looks at his glass with a dreamy expression.

“We might have to step up our game, hire some extra people for marketing and PR…” Liam reaches for a notepad but Niall quickly brings it out of his reach.

“Chill Payne. They already sent over some names of their former crew and indicated that they’d all love to work with them again so why don’t we start there?”

“Right, good idea Nialler. I’ll send Lisa an email…”

“First, let the poor girl rest, Liam. She’s our assistant, yes but she does deserve a break from work. It’s eleven pm, doubt she’d be happy if you rang her up now. And second; already done. I gave her the names this afternoon and she’s got in contact with all of them.”

“Nialler, Nialler, aren’t you a sly one,” Louis grins. “I’d say we toast to that!” He raises his glass and the three other boys join him easily, clinking their glasses and exchanging bright smiles.

They might have been knocked down but they managed to pick themselves up and Louis is quite proud at what they've achieved so far.

 

That’s until Zayn bursts into one of Louis and Liam’s creative jam sessions a couple of weeks later.

Both look up at him with slightly red eyes and Zayn growls.

“Really? It’s like 3pm and you’re smoking up?” he walks over and drops onto the carpet next to Louis, grabbing the joint from his fingers. “I thought we were partners, at least have the decency to share, you idiots!”

“Lovely to have you here,” Louis stretches out on his back, his shirt riding up slightly.

Thanks to Perrie’s care and cooking he managed to gain a few pounds, even so she still calls him too skinny but he’s in much better shape than four months ago. He even started going to the gym with Liam and Niall, although he doesn’t keep up the same fitness regime as Liam does. That’d just be crazy.

“Now, what brings you to our small and humble hut?” Liam asks and leans back as well.

Zayn inhales deeply, releasing the smoke in perfectly sculptured circles which always make Louis a little envious.

“Show-off,” he mutters, earning himself a friendly kick from Zayn.

“I actually came by with kinda good news.”

“Kind off?” Louis pipes from the floor and if he’d just raise his head, he’d see the uneasy expression Zayn’s suddenly wearing.

“We… umh, got invited to the BRIT’s. Since Ashton and the guys are performing and we’re apparently still considered as celebrities…”

“The BRIT’s, huh? I mean, that’s cool, innit?” Lou sits up too quickly, giving himself a slight head rush.

“Yes, definitely but it’s just… well, Harry is invited too.”

“Oh.” Liam and Lou say in unison and Louis feels his heart stutter before he manages to get himself under control.

“So I’d understand if you didn’t want to go or if we should cancel all together?” Zayn looks between them.

“What does Niall think?” Zayn shrugs but takes out his mobile and a couple of minutes later, Niall has joined them on the floor.

“So – ‘to BRIT’s or no to BRIT’, right?”

All three nod and Niall scratches his head. “Okay, so I get that with Harry being there as well it won’t be… easy,” he looks towards Louis. “But that dickhead aside – it’d be quite good for the label, won’t it?”

“Well, businesswise it’d be the most logical choice.” Zayn looks at his friend. “But it’s not just about business.”

Louis keeps quiet and lowers his head, biting his lip. He doesn’t know what to say really. Yes, businesswise they’d be stupid to not attend but going would mean a whole evening full of Harry. Seeing him again, hearing him laugh and Louis doesn’t know if he’s ready for it. Doesn’t know if he’ll ever be ready.

But not going would mean that Harry won again and Louis can’t let that happen. He’s not a mess anymore, he can get through one night. He can show that douchebag that he’s stronger than that.

“We should go,” he mutters, all eyes on him.

“You sure?”

“Yeah. I can’t let him keep getting to me like this. It’s been almost six months now and I’d be damned if I let the past ruin my future.”

“That’s the spirit!” Niall grins. “So I can call Lou and tell her we are in desperate need of her service?”

“Speak for yourself, I always look flawless,” comments Zayn.

 

 

_London, Brit Awards, End of February 2015_

Louis tries to forget about the BRIT’s for as long as possible, burying himself in work and late nights at the label until he’s too exhausted to think much about anything and can just fall straight into bed.

He’s banned himself from any social media platform as well as from looking at any magazines, not wanting to know with which potential hook-up Harry might or might not show up. It won’t matter anyways, the images will only torture him further and he’s had enough of it.

Zayn and Liam keep shooting him concerned glances when he yet again stays longer, saying he wants to finish this or that song but neither of them stop him. It speaks for his friends that they know when to leave him to it and when to intervene.

But of course the days run out quickly, like always when there’s something you’re really not looking forward to and before he knows it, Louis is pushed down into a chair, Lou giving the wet mess aka his hair a stern frown.

“I don’t supposed you bothered with cutting it?”

“We kinda forgot…” admits Zayn and leans in to get a good look at Louis. “Maybe we should just let it grow, he does make a pretty girl though!”

“Yeah, piss off Malik,” Louis tells him with a small smile.

“Ah, I certainly missed your fine language and good manners.” Lou smiles and takes a seat behind Louis. “Right, so I’m allowed to cut it off? Any particular style we’re going for?”

Louis fiddles a little nervously with his hands. Dang, he’d kill for a cigarette now, having picked up that habit again since he’s been living with Zayn. Harry never liked it, always politely complaining about the stench until Louis gave in and quit for him. But Harry isn’t here anymore.

“I quite liked the 2013 style,” he admits. “Like at the end of 2013? When it was a little longer and messier but not quite so…”

“Unkempt?” Lou offers, lifting a strand of hair. “I really liked that style too,” she adds in a soft voice, quickly squeezing his shoulder. “Let’s do that then, yeah?”

So Louis gets his hair cut and even lets Lou torture him with the hairdryer and all of her fancy brushes without too much complaining and once she’s done, his hair a feather light mess of brown and golden strands, and Louis has to do a double take.

“Ah, there’s that handsome bloke again. Knew I’d seen him before,” she quickly kisses his cheek. “He’s and idiot Louis,” she adds quietly and he squeezes her hand as silent thank you.

Lou’s team must really consist of a bunch of miracle workers because when they’re done, Louis hardly recognizes them. How any of the artists they met and signed trusted them looking like they did is a miracle to Louis.

Sure, Zayn that bastard always looks like a model, but it’s been a while since he last saw Niall and Liam in something different than jeans and baggy jumpers. They really need to go out and socialize more…

All dressed in black suits, Zayn wears a simple black button down, while Niall and Liam both choose white shirts with some kind of black / blue print on them. Louis is about the reach for a similar shirt when Lou stops him.

“I thought, maybe you’d like this?” She holds up a black shirt with bright blue printing. Louis has to take a step back, trying to make sense of the design. He smirks when he sees that it kind of resembles the black shirt with the slogan “Love will tear us apart”, only that it now states that “Love tore us apart & Fame broke us”. It’s a little risky, though it’ll be obscured by his jacket most of the time.

“Wear it,” Niall nods towards the shirt. “Fuck him Lou, it’s only the truth, innit?”

“Sure but we never released a statement so…?”

“Do you want to?” Liam waits while Louis struggles into the shirt. Lou quickly fixes his hair again before she hands him the jacket.

“Not particularly keen on it, to be honest. At same point maybe but for now I’d rather not talk about it,”

“So we won’t,” Zayn says simply and it’s really as easy as that. They now have the liberty to ignore questions, to answer with what they really think or just walk away if it gets too crude. It’s still a little overwhelming for Louis.

“Well, you better leave now, otherwise the party will have started without you,” Lou reminds them and ushers them outside towards the waiting car. “Have fun, babes.”

“Thanks Lou,” Liam quickly pecks her cheek. “Missed you, you know. Make sure you stop by more often.”

“And bring Luxie!” Niall shouts from the car.

“Will do. Now enjoy it, boys!” Shr waves them off until they round a corner and the car disappears from her view.

“You know…” Niall flicks Louis collar. “You look proper fit, mate. I’d do you.” Zayn barks a laugh and Liam’s eyes widen a little at that random statement.

“Thanks. I guess,” Louis grins. “Good to know I can always come back to you.”

“Sure thing, mate!” Niall slings his arm around his shoulders and just like that, the weight pressing down on his chest eases a little. He’s not alone in this. Whatever happens, these three boys will be there for him.

The closer they get to the venue, the louder the screams and they can see the flashing lights miles away it seems. When they roll up to the red carpet, Louis is proper nervous again and Liam quickly glances out of the window.

“Can’t see him anywhere,” he supplies.

“We’re right here,” Zayn assures him when their door is ripped open.

Liam gets out first and there’s a shocked silence for a second before the screams get louder than before. Then Niall crawls out, waving at the crowd and then Louis and Zayn step out.

It’s a little surreal how wild the fans suddenly go even so the band split up almost six months ago and neither of the four was seen out much. Then they start singing WMYB and all four stop in their tracks, exchanging awed looks. Niall’s grin is huge and Liam’s eyes water slightly while Louis has to stare at his feet, overwhelmed.

He was so worried about Harry all this time that the fans slipped his mind a little, as harsh as it sounds. And while he was too caught up in his problems, trying to shut out the outside world it seems that the outside world never _really_ forgot about them.

Louis exchanges a quick glance with the other boys then all of them split up, skipping all the reporters in favor of the fans. It feels like they have been signing posters, CD’s and various body parts for hours when Zayn is suddenly next to him again and Louis glances up.

None of the fans he’s spoken to have asked him about the ‘break’ they apparently took or about Harry as if they sensed that the topic was still too raw but all of them assure him how great it was to see the four of them together again, and how much they still supported them. Louis is a bit dazed but can’t stop smiling and he’s still got the huge grin on his face when Zayn gently places his hand on his hip.

He follows Zayn’s gaze and feels all color leave his face.

Harry is standing on the red carpet, dressed in a dark grey suit, white button down and red bow tie. His curls are kept back by a red bandana that might have cost more than Louis whole outfit but Louis registers all those small details in passing. Harry stares at them, more at Louis and he feels his heart stutter and his hands get cold.

From the corner of his eye he sees Niall and Liam moving in, Liam seems to consider to just step in Harry’s line of view.

Louis jumps when Zayn takes another step closer, his hand sneaking under Louis jacket. The soft and warm touch of Zayn’s hand somehow grounds him and he angles his head slightly towards Zayn.

“Let’s go inside,” Zayn whispers and Louis nods.

Zayn pulls him closer and Louis sees Harry’s eyes narrow, quickly flicking down to where Zayn’s hand rests. Whatever possess Louis that moment but he runs his nose along Zayn’s cheek and Harry swallows hard.

Louis breaks eye contact and schools his features into a neutral expression before he leans slightly into Zayn and lets himself be led inside.

 

Whoever was responsible for the seating arrangements seems to have guessed that it wasn’t the best idea to place them together or even at tables near each other.

Instead, Louis and the boys are seated at a table with the four boys from 5Seconds of Summer, which is always a good laugh, as well some people from other record labels.

Zayn takes the seat on his left, the place to his right still vacant but the name tag reads Aiden Sheffield, nothing that rings a bell.

While Niall is already deep in conversation with the four Australian lads, Louis lets his eyes wander around, frowning when he sees Harry take a seat a couple of tables away but right opposite Louis. A raven haired girl hangs on his arm, and Louis vaguely remembers her face from somewhere but can’t for the life of him put a name to the face.

“You alright?” Zayn leans in and Louis focuses back on their table.

“Yeah, better than expected to be honest.”

“You went a little pale out there.”

“I know, it was just a bit of a shock. One minute I was signing autographs and then the next he just stands there like…”

“Mmh, he looked quite shaken too.” Louis shrugs. What’s he supposed to say to that?

“There you go,” Liam’s wraps an arm around him from behind, placing a fancy looking cocktail creation in front of him. “Thought you needed it.”

“Some colorful, fruity abnormity?” Louis laughs. “Thanks, Lili,” he reaches up and circles an arm around Liam, managing to quickly kiss his cheek even so the angel is rather odd.

“Harry is staring again,” Liam whispers to him and Zayn but Louis can’t be bother to look up.

“Mmh, mind snogging me for effect?” he winks at Liam who just laughs.

“Give Niall a bit more to drink and he might do it.”

“Oh, excuse me.” All three look up, seeing a bloke standing a little awkward besides them.

Louis does a quick scan of his perfectly fitting slacks, the white shirt which is casually unbuttoned, showing a tanned chest as well as the friendly brown eyes and blond hair.

Gorgeous, he concludes and even better: No similarity to Harry Styles whatsoever.

“Didn’t mean to interrupt but I think they want to start and this is actually my seat,” he points to the chair Liam is blocking, who quickly apologizes and steps back.

“Aiden?”

“The one and only,” the blond hunk extends his hand. “And I assume you must be Louis Tomlinson, legal heartthrob and teenage dream?”

Louis laughs a little surprised. “Guilty as charged,” he admits with an easy grin, finally taking Aiden’s hand. It’s warm and soft and both shake hands longer then strictly necessary, exchanging another smile.

“That’s Zayn by the way,” Louis leans back so Zayn can get a look at Aiden and say hello too.

“Oh hey, I know you from somewhere,” Zayn says once he hears the name and Louis rolls his eyes.

“Now that was a really lame pick up line.”

“Ignore the weird one,” Zayn tells Aiden who just laughs.

“No worries, but yeah, I’m the new one working for those guys.” He points at Ashton & Co. “So I guess I technically work for you now.”

“Your our slave?” Louis pipes up and sees Zayn roll his eyes.

“I’m sure there was another term used in the contract I signed,” Aiden says, shooting Louis a look under his long dark lashes that makes his tummy jump.

He bites down at his lip, returning Aiden’s gaze when something crashes to the floor rather loudly.

Both look up and see several waiters rushing towards Harry’s table, where a tray of champagne is on the floor, glasses smashed and Louis only sees Harry’s back, walking stiffly towards the bathrooms.

He shoots Zayn a questioning look, but the dark haired boy only smirks and shakes his head so Louis turns back towards Aiden, determined to not waste another thought on Harry Styles.

After all, he’s got good company and he really could use an evening out to just enjoy himself. It’s been way too long.

And he manages for most of the night, the conversation between them and the other four boys flowing easily, and their table is without a doubt the loudest that evening. Besides having a great laugh with 5SOS, Louis also manages to strike up a conversation with Aiden again, feeling himself slightly relax at their easy banter and subtle flirting. He doesn’t have a clue whether or not Aiden is gay and for the moment it doesn’t matter.

He’s able to blend out Harry, feeling more like himself again when he makes people around him laugh and spurt their drinks through their noses.

Center of attention, Louis feels positively glowing by the time of the after show party, having linked arms with Aiden under the pretext of taking care of his new favorite employee (yeah, he might be a little drunk).

They’re able to snatch a table in the back and while Niall, Ashton and Aiden are sent off to get new drinks, Zayn scoots closer to him.

“You seem to have a good time,” he sounds a little cautious but Louis nods, actually feeling good instead of _pretending_ to feel good.

“I am. Is that weird? Shouldn’t I be more… upset about seeing him?” Louis looks around, trying to spot the mess of curls but can’t.

“I don’t know.” Zayn shrugs. “But I am glad you’re not. I am glad he gets to see you like this,” Zayn motions to his freshly cut hair, the perfectly fitting clothes and mimics his bright smile.

“You think it gets to him?”

“It definitely got to him, but that shouldn’t concern you, Lou. If you’re having fun, good for you. For all I care, you’ll never have to waste a second thought on that wanker.” Zayn looks up when Niall, Aiden and Ashton make their way back and suddenly smirks at Louis. “Although you seem to have found something else to play with.”

“I- I didn’t… I” Louis stutters and feels himself blush.

“No worries, Lou. I think he’s nice. And you deserve a little fun after all this shit, so you know. Go for it.”

“Zayn Malik,” Louis laughs. “Are you telling me to go for mindless sex?”

“Hopefully mind _blowing,_ ” Zayn chuckles. “But yeah, if you like him… He certainly gets some brownie points for making you smile tonight.”

“Aww, babe,” Louis hugs him and even so Zayn rolls his eyes he holds Louis tight for a couple of seconds. “Thank you so much,” he whispers in Zayn’s ear, feeling the other boy squeeze him a tad tighter when he understands that Louis didn’t just mean it with regards to Aiden but more for everything he’s done for Louis so far.

“Always,” Zayn whispers back before he lets go of him and rather reaches for his drink. “Took you long enough, Niall.”

“Yeah well, someone was set on getting the biggest, brightest drink for someone...” Aiden beams and places a gigantic glass in front of Louis, decorated with glittering umbrellas and pieces of fruit.

The colors of the drink are equally bright and Louis laughs. “Oh God, that looks toxic. What’s in there?”

“I don’t have a clue,” Aiden admits, sinking onto the lush couch next to him.

“Well, if I’m wasted after this someone has to carry me to bed,” it comes out flirtier than intended and for a second Louis wishes he could take the words back because after all he doesn’t even know if Aiden swings that way.

But the blond boy just smiles coyly. “I think I could handle that.”

Niall whistles at that and Louis blushes even deeper but shoots Aiden a quick cheeky grin.

“Alright, bottoms up then!” He declares.


	4. We're fading fast (watch him as he goes)

_United States, October 2014 – February 2015_

Somehow Harry had something different in mind when he imagined his life post-One Direction. Maybe a little more freedom, people a little more focused on what _he_ wants and doesn’t want. After all he’s the _star_ now, the solo artist, so he somehow imagined people more set on making him happy and his every wish come true.

What he certainly didn’t imagine was being dragged from one interview to another, being set up with different women each week, having to attend a party almost every weekend. He also didn’t imagine being pushed around like this, worse than it was during his time in 1D because now their sole focus rests on him and his appearance, his attitude, his whatever.

He gets kicked out of bed each morning at 5am, no matter how long the night before was or who he’s with. Cal drags him down to the gym for his work-out before he gets send back up to shower and then it’s hair and make-up. After a while Harry can’t even remember when the last time he picked the clothes he was going to wear himself. Only then is he allowed out for breakfast before the marathon of interviews and photo shoots continues. Back to hair and make-up, different clothes and off he’s sent again to yet another party, date or fashion show.

It all blurs together at some point, worse than ever before and he’s irritated and snappy.

His single does okay, even so Modest! claims it could have done better, only scoring number 1 in about five European countries once it’s released instead of going straight to the top everywhere. Harry is a little upset about it himself but maybe it’s still too early after One Directions sudden split and the fans are not that stupid, not matter what management would like to believe. Harry is well aware that a good portion of the fandom blames him for their split and he can’t do much to defend himself, only parrot back what Modest! told him to, i.e. they’re taking a break to pursue their solo projects. As if anyone would believe that shit after the way the other boys simply dropped off of the face of the earth after the Atlanta show.

Not much he can do about that now, and he’d rather not think about it. Whenever he does, he still feels Liam hitting him, sees Niall’s bewildered look and hears Zayn’s cold voice. And Louis…

Harry used to equally hate and love how easily Louis pushed his buttons, how the older boy managed to effortlessly bring Harry’s most secret thoughts to the surface. Harry always felt a weird mix of vulnerability and safety when he was with Louis, like Louis could take him apart in a matter of seconds but would also keep him safe from anyone and anything that tried to harm a hair on Harry’s head.

So the knowledge of how close they were does nothing to help him, instead, it makes everything worse. Harry will never be able to forget the look in Louis eyes, will never be able to take the words back he never meant to shout at him. Will never forget how badly he hurt the other boy.

But then again, what was Louis thinking? That they’d be together forever and ever?!

Admittedly there was a time Harry thought exactly that. In his mind back then, he had found his soul mate and would never be with anyone else ever again. Those were the days when it was hard to keep his hands to himself, when he was trembling with the need to be close to Louis at the end of the day when they had to be apart because of interviews, concerts, photo-shoots. When it was torture should anyone else but him as much as touch his golden boy.

Louis was his everything back then, his sun and moon and Harry would have gladly given everything up for him. And it’s that thought that eventually scared him away.

Harry is well aware that he’s responsible for most of their arguments. He was the one who decided to jet off to L.A., somehow trying to see how far he could push Louis. How much the other boy was willing to give, to suffer really, for him. He wanted – no, he _needed_ to know – that Louis felt the same way, that it was just as easy for him as it was for Harry to get lost in them.

He never got an answer. Or he did but it was never really enough. No matter how far Louis bent for Harry, Harry always pushed him further.

Harry’s demands had gotten ridiculous, his behavior reckless sometimes but still Louis would be there, would take whatever Harry threw at him.

They weren’t healthy anymore. Maybe their relationship never was.

Harry was too young, Louis too strong of a character and sometimes Harry thinks he fell in love with the image he had of Louis rather than with the person himself. Harry had been told from the start that he could go far, further than any of the other boys, but he didn’t pay them much mind in the beginning.

But offers kept coming, the press always seemed more interested in him than in the others and eventually Harry just thought _what if they’re right_? He originally never planned to sing in a band, went to the X-Factor as solo artist.

So while his relationship with Louis slowly but steadily took a down turn, Harry went to L.A. to check out his options. After all he was just twenty back then and gradually started to listen to those people who told him he should seriously consider leaving One Direction. Leaving Louis, because honestly, someone like Harry just couldn’t be gay. Had he ever really had the chance to go a little crazy? Sneak a peek at all the ‘options’ out there? Was he sure that he’d rather play house with a twenty one year old twink instead of going out with all those models and actresses who kept throwing themselves at him? Why didn’t he just take a break, do stuff other twenty year old famous pop stars did and simply enjoy his life?

That’s what he tried to tell his mom when she called to ask him what on earth was going on. Only he didn’t anticipate Anne flinging the almost same words as Louis back at him: “ _I don’t know you anymore, Harry Edward Styles. What has happened to you_?”

It cut deeper than Harry admitted and he had refused to answer any of her calls thereafter, only occasionally texting back and forth with Gemma.

Why doesn’t anyone seem to understand that Louis held him back? That Harry was his own person and not just a part of _LouisAndHarry_?

~

_London, February, 2015_

It’s still dark outside when Harry’s plane touches down in Heathrow. He groans, slowly gathering all his belonging before he makes his way through the airport, shivering in the cold air while Paul, Cal and him wait for the car to take them to their hotel.

“Alright?” murmurs Paul quietly and Harry just nods, pulling his hood lower to cover his face. He climbs into the dark van, resting his head against the window. He’s exhausted but his mind is doing over time and he can’t seem to find any rest.

“Meeting with management at 10:00am,” Cal reminds him and Harry just nods.

As if he’d be able to forget. The meeting had been scheduled for weeks and Harry had a sinking feeling for just about as long.

He knows that his single and album didn’t perform as well as they thought and that the few shows he played over in the US were barely sold out. He knows and it bothers him and he really doesn’t need management in his face about it.

So Harry focuses back on his phone, logging onto twitter. The comments have gradually improved over the months but he still gets a lot of shit from former One Direction fans. It’d be a lie to say the hate and insults didn’t get to him, as well as the few rare pictures of his former band mates and especially the ones of Louis looking fragile and broken.

He knows it’s his fault, he does, and he really doesn’t need everyone pointing their fingers at him.

They drive in silence and even so there’s a small crowd gathered, Harry doesn’t spare them a glance, just ducks his head and flees into the warmth of the lobby. He wordlessly takes his keycard from Paul and marches up to his room, determined to get at least another two hours of sleep before he has to meet with Modest.

 

Ten hours later, Harry is nursing his sevenths drink at the hotel bar, Paul sitting close by to keep an eye on him.

Harry knocks the hard liquor back, motioning for a refill while he glares at the bar.

The meeting didn’t go well. So that might be an understatement, Harry muses. He might as well call it a disaster.

As expected, they talked about the ‘poor performance’ of his album and about what steps to take next. Although they talked over his head most of the time instead of actually talking _to_ him and Harry felt like an idiot half of the time. Whenever he tried to give his input, they would let him speak for about two minutes until he was cut off, told he was still too young and too new in this business.

As if he hadn’t been in a band for the last four year. But not a _solo artists_ , they explained. Not a _struggling_ solo artist.  

Harry didn’t even know he was struggling until they so kindly informed him about it.

So all the while Harry sat there like a school boy being told off, management decided on what he should do next, how he should act, who he should be seen with, which party to go to, what to wear. They even decided on a new single for him, unerringly choosing the song he deemed the less suited as single.

Nothing new to putting together the album really. Out of all the songs Harry had written, management had picked the ones he liked the least, turning them into some bubblegum pop / teenage rock creations Harry didn’t really feel comfortable with. But he was told that’s what the fan base wanted and once he managed to appease them, managed to score three or four number one hits, he’d be free in his decisions when it came to the next album.

So teeth-gnashingly he’d agreed. 

And now he finds himself at some hotel bar, downing his eighth foul tasting drink because someone hinted that they might as well consider putting a hold on Harry’s career should the next single flop as well.

A hold. They might as well just spell it out and tell him straight up he’ll get dropped shouldn’t he be able to deliver. The thing is, with the song they picked, Harry is 100% sure he won’t be able to. Which means his career is over.

He didn’t only ruin One Direction, no, he ruined the careers of his four best mates as well as his relationship with Louis. And not to forget the one with his mother, who he still hasn’t spoken to.

If that’s not something to toast to, he doesn’t know.

~

His next weeks are again spent between the studio and interviews, all accompanied with more or less staged dates and hook-ups.

Harry loses track of time and dates quickly and when Paul wakes him up one morning to kindly inform him that his presence is requested at the Brit Awards tonight he blinks quite stupidly at him.

But he gets out of bed nonetheless, glad he managed to sleep alone last night and trots into the shower, a little surprised when he glances at his phone and sees that it’s already past 11am. He’s still tired and exhausted even so he managed to catch a good night’s sleep and briefly wonders when he had felt well and truly rested. It must have been ages ago.

Leaning against the cold, white tiles he lets the hot water wash over him, staring off into the distance. This is not how he imagined things to go. But then again maybe it’s what he gets for betraying four of his closest friends.

Harry gets out of the shower, casually slinging a towel around his waist and seats himself back on the bed, grabbing his iPad. He dreads it really but curiosity wins and he quickly checks Liam’s, Niall’s and Zayn’s twitter. The last entry is months old, except a more recent one from Niall saying “ _exciting news to come, keep your fingers crossed, pls_ ”. There’s nothing after that and Harry surely would have heard should the boys have decided to go back on stage without him. The thought sits somewhat unpleasant with him until he remembers that Modest informed him almost in passing that all four of them signed termination agreements. So definitely no more One Direction then.

It makes Harry more upset than it should, especially because he never once allowed himself to dwell on thoughts of the others. He had to focus on him, focus on making it and didn’t have time to feel sorry. So it still jumps him from time to time; the knowledge that he betrayed them, that he ended them, that he really tore down everything they build. It does hurt. And it makes him wonder whether it was worth it. Whether he’s really just another stuck up asshole, crazy for fame and fortune. And he can’t let himself think along those lines, knowing it will drive him mad and eventually cause a breakdown. So he pushes these thoughts away as far and fast as he can – most of the time.

Sometimes he just can’t help to go on twitter and see whether there are any news, any new photos of one of the boys. A hint as to what they’re up to.

There’s not much really, blurry shots of Louis leaving Zayn’s house or Liam and Niall going out for lunch. All four avoided the paps like the plague, refusing to comment on any of the rumors. They simply disappeared from the radar.

A soft knock startles Harry and he sees that his finger is hovering over the ‘search’ button.

**_Louis Tomlinson_ **

The one he desperately wants – needs – to know about but never has the balls to actually go through with it.

Harry chucks the iPad away when it knocks again, opening the door to Paul.

“Gotta go and get ready for the show tonight. Red carpet starts at 5pm and they want you to do two or three quick radio interviews beforehand.”

Harry nods and gets up, while Paul takes a seat and before Harry can stop him, he’s grabbed the iPad, the tab still open.

Paul doesn’t say anything, just stares down at it for a long time.

“You think… it was wrong? What I did?” Harry whispers and Paul doesn’t look up.

“Do you want the honest answer or the one that doesn’t make you feel like shit?” At that, Harry has to swallow hard.

“The honest one, please.”

“Then yes, I think what you did was wrong. On so many Levels.” Paul stares down at Louis name.

“It’s just that—“

“I don’t need to hear your reasons, Harry. I’m sure you had some good ones and I’m sure you had some that _sounded_ like good ones in your head. And you might have even thought you did the right thing but I guess having you asking me questions like that… you kinda gathered that it wasn’t the right thing?”

“I- no. I mean…”

“Whatever Harry. I’m not here to judge.” Paul closes the iPad but keeps it resting on his lap and both dwell on their thoughts for a while.

“Have you heard anything? About… umh… Louis?”

“Not much.” Paul doesn’t look at him.

“But you have heard something?” Harry pushes and Paul sighs.

“What does it matter, kid? It’s the past, you told him you weren’t into it and you’ve moved on.”

“You make it sound like it was an easy decision.”

“Wasn’t it?” Paul fires back before he physically draws himself back. “It doesn’t matter Harry. If you want to know about Louis, go and ask him. Go and ask Liam or Zayn or Niall. And if you’re too chicken to do it, well then maybe it’s not that important.” Paul gets up and hands him a random shirt.

“Get dressed, we’re leaving in 30,” and with that he closes the door and leaves Harry alone once more.

~

“… you’ll be meeting Lindsay at the venue. She’ll be at your table so make sure you’re seen talking to her, flirting. Okay?”

“Huh?” Harry looks up at his PR person, Katie, before he nods quickly. “Right.”

“Good.” She reaches out and straightens his bow tie, “ETA in two.”

Harry nods and sinks back into the seat, staring out of the window. They slowly approach the red carpet and Harry is able to hear the screams through the closed windows.

There’s another car in front of them, giving Harry time to look around a bit. Paparazzi and fans on one side, he sees flashlights going off at secondly intervals. About to turn back to Paul, he catches a familiar blond mop of hair out of the corner of his eyes. He quickly turns back, squashing his nose on the tinted window.

Niall. Niall Horan laughing and signing autographs and a couple of steps away – Liam.

Harry feels his heart stop and his palms get sweaty and then their car is rolling to first place.

He looks at Paul, haunted expression in his eyes. “Did you know?”

“What?”

“That they’d be here?”

“Who?”

“Liam and Niall,” he squeaks and he can tell by Paul’s reaction that he actually didn’t know.

“I believe Mr. Malik and Mr. Tomlinson are also attending the Event,” supplies Katie just before his door gets wedged open. Harry just sits there and stares at her.

“Harry you need to get out,” she briefly glances up from her Blackberry.

“They are here and you… you should have told me,” he seethes.

“Why?” perfectly manicured nails fly over the key pad. “It’s not like they’re of any concern to you anymore.”

“Still—“

“Harry,” she looks up at him with a bored expression. “Are you going to whine a little longer or are you actually getting out of the car?”

He gapes at her while she doesn’t even spare him a glance until the person holding the door clears his throat and Harry slowly slides out of the car.

Paul is a step behind him but he doesn’t really notice, his eyes scanning the red carpet for a sign of a blue eyed boy.

He stumbles along a couple of steps, until his eyes land on a small figure, back turned towards him, dressed in an immaculately fitting black suit. The hair’s much shorter than before but from his statue and posture… then the guy takes a step back, big grin on his face and Harry’s heart stops for a second just to go into overdrive the next.

 _He cut his hair_ is the first thing that pops into his mind.

Harry’s eyes are glued to Louis, taking in his slim frame and while he was always tiny, he got real skinny last year but now… he’s still tiny and looks a little fragile but… Harry can see his back muscles shift under the tight fitting blazer and his mouth goes a little dry.

Louis looks ridiculously hot and Harry would happily stare at him a while longer, wasn’t it for Zayn noticing him.

The dark haired boy quickly steps over to Louis, his hand coming down to touch him just above the waist, sneaking under the blazer in such a comfortable, familiar manner that Harry’s taken aback for a second.

Louis tilts his head easily towards Zayn, listening all the while smiling brightly before he looks up.

It kinda devastating to see how quickly his face falls, how the smiles fades as soon as he sees Harry.

Zayn steps closer, holding onto Louis tighter and Louis leans into him, closer than necessary.

Harry can’t help but stare, can’t help but feel choked when Louis runs his nose along Zayn’s cheek in such an intimate manner that his blood runs cold.

Zayn and Louis? But Zayn was never… he’s with Perrie, isn’t he? And he never… they were close but… Harry stumbles over his thoughts, helplessly watching on as Zayn leads Louis away, neither of them sparing him another glance.

It’s only when Paul nudges him that he snaps out of it, Louis and the rest long gone.

Needless to say his interviews are shite, Harry’s unable to concentrate on any of the questions, giving nonsense answers and the photos of him show a pale, shocked boy, green eyes focused on someone who’s long gone.

Paul manages to stir him inside, his date joining him somewhere along the way but Harry can’t for the life of him remember her name.

They are led to their table, glad to see that Ed is already sitting and Harry quickly sinks into the seat next to him.

It’s only when he looks up and across the room that his eyes once again land on Louis.

Jesus, he’s… he’s glowing.

Harry can’t look away, can’t remember Louis looking as radiant as that during the last year. Gone is the too long hair and dark circles under his eyes, the haunted look he sported during their last months.

Even slightly turned towards Zayn, Harry can still make out the blue of his eyes and smile on his lips. Close together, they’re obviously comfortable around each other and Louis leans easily into Zayn the way he used to lean towards Harry.

When Liam appears, drink in hand and slings an arm around Louis from behind, Harry watches him look up at Liam with that bright smile he missed so much towards the end. And Liam too, goes easily, letting himself be hugged and doesn’t flinch when Louis presses a kiss to his cheek, laughing loudly at something the other boy said.

It’s only when a blond guy approaches them, tapping Liam’s shoulder and pointing towards the empty seat next to Louis that they’re broken out of their trance.

Liam goes back to his seat but Louis turns towards the newcomer and whatever the guy says has Louis giggling – fucking giggling – and Harry hates him then and there.

“Mate, you’re staring,” whispers Ed but Harry ignores him, watching on as Louis introduces Zayn, checking the guy out while leaning back.

Harry knows he shouldn’t, is well aware of the fact that he’s surrounded by cameras and that someone will eventually catch him and call him out on his staring but he can’t physically bring himself to avert his eyes.

Zayn, Louis and the newcomer exchange friendly banter but Harry doesn’t miss the looks the blond one shoots Louis and when Louis says something undoubtedly cheeky, biting his lip and lowering his eyes in a way that always made heat curl in Harry’s stomach, the blond one just returns his gaze and that’s it.

Harry gets up, knocking a waitress nearly over and the tray of champagne flutes falls to the floor with a crashing noise.

He doesn’t care, stalks off towards the bathrooms, ignoring Ed calling out or the angry looks PR is shooting him. It’s all he can do not to run and he only takes a couple of seconds to make sure he’s alone before he locks himself in a stall, barely getting that stupid bow tie off before he’s sick.

It’s the worst possible moment for it to come crashing down but it does. His carefully constructed façade crumbles to images of Louis _smiling, laughing, flirting_ with the other guy. Roaming eyes, secret kisses and another touching what’s his. Used to be his.

Fingers on golden skin, lips tracing the black ink, bodies moving in sync.

A new waves of nausea hits him and he’s gripping the white porcelain hard.

Harry’s well aware that he might be getting ahead of himself, working himself up in a frenzy over things that haven’t yet happen, might not happen.

But he knows Louis well enough to know when he’s properly interested in someone and the looks those two have been exchanging… Louis definitely wouldn’t mind if something happened and the thought does something funny to Harry.

Never having cared to probe his feelings for Louis deeper over the last months, Harry simply went along with what everybody else tried to tell him: Louis had him caged, suffocating each and every one of Harry’s attempts to break free and engage his sexuality properly, trying things out instead of just going with some attraction he felt towards an (admittedly) rather beautiful guy. They told him he wasn’t gay, in turn meaning he also couldn’t be in love or – heaven forbid – _love_ Louis. He’d be better off without him, some closeted gay popstar who held Harry back. Yes, they admitted, they had made a nice couple in some of the pictures but surely Harry was over Louis now, had never been that much into him in the first place.

Well, it doesn’t feel like it now.

Harry dry heaves, clawing at the buttons of his dress shirt.

Letting himself be blinded by the spotlight and lured in with fake promises of fortune and fame. He fooled himself, risked everything and lost it spectacularly.

Tears are streaming down his face and Harry can’t do anything to stop them or the thoughts running wild in his head. He wishes he could silence them but once that door’s been opened he can’t close it anymore. It’s everything he took such great care to lock away, to not think about and the force of it would have been enough to knock him off his feet hadn’t he already be lying on the floor.

That’s how Paul eventually finds him.

Harry Styles, world famous pop star.

A sobbing, broken mess in some bathroom at the Brit Awards.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all so much for reading and taking the time to leave kudos and comments on my ramblings.  
> It's my first story and it really, really means a lot to me.  
> Love to hear the things you liked (and also didn't like) in case I ever get to post another story. 
> 
> As for updates: I have most of the story finished - except the last two chapters - and am just going over it, minor editing.  
> So I plan to update every two to three days :)


	5. You can't play on broken strings (How can I give anymore when I love you a little less than before)

_London, March 2015_

The morning after the Brits goes down as one of the most unpleasant ones in Louis’ history of all-time top 10 worst mornings.

Obviously, he forgot to close the blinds properly last night, meaning it’s way too bright in his bedroom. He also managed to get only half undressed last night, still clad in his socks and shirt uncomfortably tangled around his upper body.

Louis sits up very slowly, not wanting to give his stomach more reason to try and climb out of his throat when he notices he’s not alone. He sucks in a sharp breath and sends a quick prayer to heaven that no, he did not...

Carefully, he peels back the cover only to reveal a mop of black hair. Well, at least he didn’t take the cute blond one home although he doesn’t know whether he should be happy or upset about it.

He leans on his left arm, trying to scoot closer to get a glimpse of the face when the person suddenly turns.

“Either you stop moving or you fuck off,” Zayn mumbles and buries his face back into the pillow, “I prefer option two – and close the blinds on your way out, love.”

Louis feels  too relieved to come up with a proper reply, crawling out of bed and for once doing as Zayn requested.

Why he’s sleeping in Louis bed is a mystery to be solved another time. Preferably when he doesn’t feel like throwing up at every step.

He gathers some clothes and makes his long and painful way into the shower, only mildly appeased by the warm spray before he pulls on some sweats and jumper, trotting towards the living room and stops.

“Oh.” It definitely looks like they did have some sort of after party here, bottles littering every surface and Louis is once again glad that Perrie is out of town, otherwise she would have killed Zayn and him by now.

He bends down to pick up a stray shirt, remembering it as the one Ashton wore last night. Whatever he had on when he left, Louis is sure to find a picture of it in the papers. Given that the boys from 5sos didn’t manage to beat the paps and post pics of last night on twitter before the press even managed to get their printers stared.

Louis flings the shirt over the backrest of the sofa, nearly dying of a heart attack when someone yells, “Oi!”

Niall’s rumpled face and messed up blond mop appear but he grins faintly when he sees Louis, pulling a face and cradling his head. “Ouch.”

“Very ouch,” Louis agrees. “Breakie?”

Niall nods and crawls more than walks over to the kitchen where Louis fills two big glasses of water, handing some Advil to Niall.

“Not quite my kind of breakfast but it’ll do,” he looks around. “Zayn?”

“Asleep.” Louis motions towards the bedrooms.

“Liam?”

“Liam is here?”

“Well, he came in with us and I don’t remember him leaving.”

“I don’t remember anyone leaving,” Louis ruffles his hair. “Why am I so wasted? I was fine back at the after party!”

“How much do you remember?” Niall cocks his head and Louis feels a little sicker than before.

“Please tell me I didn’t cock up!” he cradles his head in his hands.

“Depends…”

“Niall,” Louis growls, when a soft chuckle sounds from the door.

“Stop it Niall,” Liam stumbles in. “It’s mean! You didn’t cock up, Lou. You were just… uhm very attached to our new employee.”

“Aiden,” obviously Louis brain isn’t yet dead.

“Yes, Aiden,” Liam nods and grabs a glass for himself. “But you didn’t do anything too outrageous, just some dancing, flirting, harmless touching.”

“Touching?”

“All above the belt, what kinda friend do you take me for?” Liam shakes his head.

“You’re a menace, Horan,” he tells Niall before he blows Liam a kiss.

“For God’s fucking sake, Tommo!” Zayn stomps into the kitchen, clad in an interesting mix of clothes and something that looks like a hairband, thrusting Louis phone at him. “If it beeps or chirps or whatever the fuck it does on more time I’m going to smash it.”

“Zaynie,” Liam coos and Zayn flips him off.

“I hate you.” He looks at Liam. “And you,” he points at Louis.

“What about me?” Niall pipes up and Zayn glares at him.

“Don’t get me started on you!” He mutters before he makes his grand exit, probably to go back to bed and sleep the rest of the day away. Doesn’t sound like the worst idea, actually.

About to pocket the item responsible for Zayn’s interrupted sleep, Louis glances at the display and his stomach drops once more.

Four messages from two unknown numbers but Louis remembers it well enough to be able to tell that one of them belongs to Harry.

He takes a step back, leaning against the counter. Liam and Niall register the look on his face and subconsciously move a little closer.

“Lou?”

“Umh… Harry sent a text?” It’s too early and he’s too hung over to come up with a good excuse.

 “Okay,” Liam replies, not pressing Lou for anything.

He takes a deep breath, not sure if he really wants to see it but knowing he’ll forever wonder if he deletes it without reading it.

_Fcuk yu, jhow clod yui rreplase me so fast?_

And another one, two hours later

_It hrts, Lu, mk is stop, hurst so bad wituhot u_

Louis bites his lip and swallows hard.

He’s tempted to reply with an equally heated “ _fuck you too, now you know how it feels_ ” but instead just opens the other two messages.

_Hi, hope this isn’t too straight forward but I had a really good time last night and I would really like to see you again._

_If it’s too weird for you, since I’m technically your slave now, I understand but if not… well maybe I could take you out for dinner one of these days. – Aiden x_

“Lou?”

“It’s Aiden, umh, the other messages are from Aiden and he’s asking me… out to dinner?” he looks up at Niall and Liam.

“Well do you want to go out with him?” Liam leans against the counter while Niall seems to have had enough of the foodlessness there are facing, and started to raid Zayn’s fridge.

“I don’t know.” Louis shrugs. “Like, I really had a good time last night and I think he’s proper fit but… isn’t it too soon? And also, wouldn’t it be weird? Dating someone who works for me?”

“Technically he’s not directly working for you,” Niall says, finally having found some eggs and turkey bacon for a fry up.

“But…” Louis glances back at his phone.

“Harry?” asks Liam softly and even so he knows it’s stupid, knows Harry was drunk out of his mind, he can’t help but acknowledge the weird twist to his gut when he realized who the messages were from – and the lack of it when he opened Aiden’s.

Liam sighs. “I don’t know how to say this without sounding like an arse but maybe… maybe it does Harry some good to receive a dose of his own medicine, you know? Seeing you yesterday, well I guess that threw him a little, especially seeing you laughing and flirting with someone else. And you don’t owe him anything, Lou. Not anymore. What he did was pretty…”

“Shite,” Niall adds helpfully from the stove. “Beyond shite. And sorry if this is too forward but you two…”

Liam runs a hand through his hair. “Honestly?”

Louis nods. Yeah, he rather prefers Liam to be honest than trying to sugar coat it.

“I kinda saw it coming. Not him going behind our backs but… you weren’t healthy the last couple of months, Lou. Harry had been treating you like shit and you just took it.” Liam bites his lips. “It was heartbreaking to watch sometimes.”

“Listen, Boo, if you like this Aiden guy, go for it. It doesn’t have to lead to anything but why not go out with him once?” Niall shrugs. “I know Harry and you have been together for ages but maybe… maybe it’s time to move on? You can’t stick around and wait for him to come back, to properly commit to you. Even if he does – one day – you need to move on. You need to do stuff for yourself that makes you happy and not just to make _HarryAndLouis_ happy. You get what I’m saying?”

“I guess,” Louis sighs. It’s not like he never thought along those lines before, it’s just… a little hard, hearing Niall and Liam saying it out loud.

“Okay, I’m going to text Aiden and I’m going to stop allowing Harry to drag me down.”

“That’s my Boy,” Liam hugs him briefly, pressing a soft kiss to his hair. “Now Niall, what about those eggs?”

“Kindly fuck off,” Niall growls but allows Liam to stick his nose in the pan while Louis grabs his phone, wandering a couple of steps away.

He brings up a new message to Aiden.

_Dear Slave, I would very much like to be wined and dined ;) Does tomorrow evening sound good? If it’s too soon, you can chose another day. Might even give you the afternoon off to prepare for such an important event ;) x_

He doesn’t have to wait long for Aiden to reply, assuring him that _tomorrow can’t be soon enough_ and Louis goes back to Niall and Liam with a small smile tugging at his lips.

Yes, Aiden is no Harry but then again Louis will probably never find another Harry. Whether that’s good or bad, only time will tell.

~

Louis and Aiden’s date goes rather well.

Aiden takes him to a small, cozy restaurant serving delicious pasta and wine and when they make it out five hours later, Louis feels like no time has passed at all.

He was a little nervous meeting Aiden, wondering if it was just his drunken haze that made him seem so attractive and funny, but after ten minutes in his presence Louis doesn’t worry anymore.

Aiden is even prettier now that he’s sober and while it is a little awkward in the beginning (then again what first date isn’t?) they quickly fall into an easy banter. Louis is enjoying himself, is enjoying the way Aiden looks at him.

He feels flattered by Aiden’s obvious interest and admiration, intrigued by his stories and when Aiden places a chaste kiss to his cheek and asks him if they could do it again, Louis agrees with a bright smile.

He goes home feeling happy and free and if he briefly thinks about Harry before he falls asleep instead of Aiden, then well, no one has to know.

~

“… and she called and wants to meet, said she wants to see Loki again, but yeah… I don’t know.” Liam stretches on the sofa, arms and legs dangling over the cushions and stares up at the ceiling.

Zayn is probed up on some cushions on the floor next to Louis while Niall spins around in the big leather chair. It’s late afternoon and they have once again gathered in their favorite recording studio.

Louis and Liam had originally intended to work (and Louis still is, scribbling away on his tattered piece of paper) but Liam received a text from Danielle about an hour ago. For about the same time he’s been contemplating life, love and loss and Louis eventually sent a SOS text to Niall and Zayn, unable to listen to him babble on his own.

“Why don’t you just meet up with her?” Niall has turned in the chair, feet up in the air and head hanging dangerously over the edge. If he falls and splits it open, Louis isn’t going to bend one finger to help that monkey.

“Because!” Liam throws his arms up in the air, emphasizing the word like it’s the answer to just about everything.

Zayn cocks a perfectly trimmed eyebrow, “Care to elaborate?”

“You all know the mess I made of my relationship with Sophia—“

“You mean using the girl as means of getting back at Dani?”

“I did not!”

“You did,” Niall slides to the floor like a wet sack of potatoes. “You used her to get over Dani, which, fair enough, wasn’t the most clever thing you did but we can all forgive you for it.”

“Sophia can’t,” adds Louis rather helpful. “Didn’t she threaten to murder your dog?”

“Do you believe everything that’s trending on twitter?” Zayn asks and Louis giggles.

“Nah, I never believed that Liam topped when it came to Ziam.” Zayn shoots him a dark look.

“Speaking of…” Niall crawls over to Louis. “It’s been years, how about you finally tell me which one of you—“

“NIALL!” All three of them yell in unison.

“God, you’re obsession with Louis and Harry’s sex life is not healthy, mate.” Zayn throws a cushion over to him.

“Oh come off it, Malik! You had your ears pressed to the wall just like I did, trying to figure it out.”

“You needed to press your ears to the wall for that? Seriously, was I the only one who _always_ got the room next to them?” Liam asks with an eye roll.

“We weren’t _that_ bad,” Louis defends weakly, earning himself stern glances when he looks up.

“You really were.”

“Maybe we could release the sex tape now?!”

“There is no sex tape!” Louis tries to flick Niall’s crotch but he crawls out of reach quickly.

“Whatever you say. We could sell yours and Aiden’s though.”

“Why do we always end up talking about my sex life?” Louis puts the lyrics he was working on away.

“Dunno, I heard enough _about_ it and _of_ it for the rest of my life,” Zayn remarks.

“But are you and Aiden…” Niall makes a rather rude gesture and Liam gasps.

“No, jeeze, no. We just went to dinner a couple of times, saw a movie… I mean we haven’t even kissed properly… isn’t it weird talking about it?”

“Seriously?” Zayn stares at him “You ask _that_ question after four years -  _four_ , Lou! - in which we had to listen to you and Harry whine about unrequited love, boyfriend troubles and first times? Believe me, mate, we are so past the ‘ _weird_ ’ stage.”

“I definitely know more about gay sex than any heterosexual male my age should,” adds Liam.

Niall raises his hand. “I care to learn more, still.”

“You are… weird Niall. Sure you’re not gay?”

“Well Liam, there was this one time I snogged a really fit bloke during a round of truth or dare…”

“We vowed to never talk about this,” whines Zayn, cheeks a pretty pink.

“Never took such vow,” Niall mumbles.

“Well are you?”

“What? Gay?” Niall blinks at Liam, who shakes his head, exasperated. “No Niall, I’m not talking about you. Louis and Aiden. Are you guys dating, like is this going somewhere?”

Louis shrugs. He’s asked himself the same question multiple times over the last couple of weeks. “I don’t really know. We’re taking it slow, I guess.”

“But you like him?”

“Yes, he’s nice.”

“Nice?” echoes Zayn. “Louis, a tub of Ben&Jerries after a long day is nice.”

“Thanks for the metaphor, my dear Zayn. And both are things I wouldn’t mind licking.”

He can just duck when Liam tries to hit him with one of the sofa cushions and retaliates by chucking his notepad at him. It ends in a brawl as usual, only stopping when one of them accidentally kicks the big plant, causing it to land on top of Zayn.

They discuss the pros and cons of letting Liam’s ex see his dog, which isn’t that big of a deal for all of them, except for Liam. It’s only when Niall points out that “ _seeing my dog_ ” doesn’t automatically mean “ _let’s have sex in the dog bed, move in and have ten babies_ ” that Liam reluctantly agrees to stop freaking out and just meet with Dani at a public place, so his virtue and good reputation may stay intact.

Louis is still teasing him via text later that evening, Zayn and Perrie having gone out, when his phone beeps with an incoming call.

“Hello, Aiden.” he settles more comfortable on the sofa, flicking through the channels.

“Hi Lou.” He can hear some traffic noise in the background, assuming Aiden is just walking home from work.

“Finally escaped the hell aka ZAP records?”

“Yep, another horrific day at my horrendous work enslaved by my evil boss has finally come to an end. Freedom, yeahy.”

“Poor baby, tell me the name of such a monster, I’ll challenge him to a duel at dawn.”

“Aww, aren’t you the last of the gentlemen?”

“Quite right, I am,” Louis laughs.

“Hey listen, I was just thinking about getting some take away and ummh, was wondering whether you’d like to come around? Hang out?”

“I—“ suddenly it’s a little hard to swallow. Aiden and Louis hadn’t so far done anything none public and Louis kinda avoided that on purpose.

“Like, I mean, if you don’t have other plans, which I should have really thought about before. I’m sorry, I will—“

“No,” he hears himself cut in. “I don’t have other plans. Umh, Thai?”

“What?”

“The take away? Thai?”

“Oh,” Aiden laughs a little embarrassed. “If you want.”

“Yeah, I’d like that. So… I see you in 30?”

“Sure. I text you the address!”

They hang up and Louis stares at his phone before he gets up and walks into his bedroom, dropping the sweats he shrugged on an hour ago. He’s tempted to call Zayn, to ask him what to wear to a casual ‘hanging-out-with-the-guy-I’m-kinda-dating-but-don’t-want-to-shag-yet’ but in the end decides against it. He’s a big boy, he can pick his own god damn clothes.

Eventually, he opts for some black skinny jeans that are tight but not as bad as his ‘fuck-me-jeans’ and a white shirt with a grey zip hoodie on top. Nothing too fancy, nothing that shouts “I just freaked about what to wear for about 29minutes”.

He grabs the keys to his Porsche and his phone, quickly walks out before he can change his mind.

Aiden doesn’t live that far away from Zayn, it’s just a fifteen minute drive but it’s enough to set him off again. Louis is chewing his lips nervously, wondering if Aiden expects something to happen between them, if he _wants_ something to happen and what _Louis_ actually wants.

It’s been pleasantly uncomplicated so far, going out for dinner or movies with just quick and chaste peck on the lips, avoiding any situations that could have made it awkward or too heated between them.

And Louis does find him attractive, he likes that Aiden can make him laugh, likes the way Aiden’s eyes roam over his body but… he’d be the first after Harry. The only one except Harry really.

He briefly thinks that Harry was right about one thing at last: They had gotten together very young, neither of them had much time to look left or right, to date someone else before they fell into each other’s spell and that was kind of it. At least Louis was able to briefly date Hannah, tried the 'relationship and sex with a girl thing' and concluded he didn’t like it very much. Although Harry, too, had a girlfriend before he came to the XFactor, who he had slept with and he surely snogged more girls than Louis.

And okay, neither of them had kissed another boy before they started dating. They were each other’s first at everything – and Louis wonders again how he managed to sit in his car for 10 minutes in front of his ‘might-soon-to-be-boyfriend’ thinking about Harry Styles.

Sighing, he gets out and locks the car, calling Aiden to buzz him up before he can turn around and run.

Aiden lives on his own in a nice three bedroom apartment. Louis hadn’t been here before and he takes his time to look around while Aiden prepares the food, coming back with two plates and a bottle of wine.

They get comfortable in front of the telly, and Louis nerves fade a little while they chat about American series or British trash TV. It’s only when Aiden has cleared the table and brought a new bottle of wine out, sitting closer to Louis that he starts fidgeting.

“You alright there?” Aiden asks with a sly smirk and Louis, in a very mature sort of way, sticks his tongue out at him.

Aiden lets it go, picking up the conversations but a couple of minutes later, Louis feels his fingers brush softly over his shoulder, tracing the seams of his jumper. He doesn’t move, doesn’t dare to breathe while Aiden’s fingers move further up, reaching the exposed skin of his neck.

He shivers once it’s skin on skin and gives up pretending it doesn’t affect him. Aiden leans forward until his face is inches away from Louis.

“I am going to kiss you now, okay?”

Louis isn’t able to form words, only nods and next thing he knows, Aiden’s lips are on his.

It’s gentle, a slow drag of lips across his and Louis feels himself gradually relax and lean into the kiss. Parting his lips, he can taste wine and curry on Aiden’s tongue, teasing him but never pushy.

Aiden’s lips are soft and cool, not as plumb and hot as Harry’s and he kisses Louis gently without hidden agenda it seems. And while Harry could also kiss him softly, there was always need behind his kiss, like he’d die if he couldn’t taste Lou the next second. It was heady and it was hot and—

Suddenly Louis licks into Aiden’s mouth, climbing on his lap and running his hands through his hair. He kisses Aiden with as much passion as he can muster, desperate to get that image of hot cherry lips and _HarryHarryHarry_ out of his mind.

Aiden seems surprised but he goes willingly, his hands roaming over Louis back before he manages to unzip his jumper, throwing it to the floor. His lips are on Louis neck suddenly, while Louis paws at Aiden’s shirt and he really hopes Aiden leaves a mark, showing everyone that he no longer belongs to a curly haired shit.

When Aiden sucks on his pulse point below his jaw he moans low in his throat, leaning further back and hopes that Aiden gets the hint. But he’s a clever boy and next thing is Louis shirt on the floor, joined by Aiden’s.

He lets his eyes travel over Aiden’s chest, and can’t help but touch. Goose bumps appear on smooth, tanned skin and Louis fingers dip further down, stroking over Aiden’s abs, seeing the sharp intake of breath when he runs them along the waistband of his boxers.

“Louis?” Aiden’s voice is slightly shaking and Louis revels in the realization that he did that to him. Instead of answering, he surges forward and kisses Aiden again and rolls his hips.

Aiden moans against his lips and Louis feels positively drugged, like a switch has been flicked. He needs that, needs another body, somebody that _isn’t_ Harry right now.

He keeps kissing Aiden’s lips and neck, littering the latter with purple bruises until Aiden is trembling beneath him, moaning low in his throat and whimpering whenever Louis lips leave him for too long. He can feel Aiden against this thigh, feels him shudder at every roll of his hips.

Louis drags his lips further down, slides off of Aiden’s lap to kneel on the floor between his legs. He doesn’t wait for Aiden’s approval, just pops the button on his jeans and takes the zipper down, yanking his pants and boxers down in one go.

“You got quite pretty dick, love.” Louis glances up at him, knows about the effect he can have when looking through his lashes like that and it’s not lost on Aiden who can only mumble a “fuck, Lou”.

“I intend to,” he bends, keeps his eyes on Aiden when he licks a long stripe along the underside of his cock, feeling it twitch under his tongue. Moving up a little, Louis makes a show of wetting his lips at the beads of precome that have gathered on Aiden’s toned stomach before he tongues the slit and Aiden goes ridged beneath him.

“You like that?”

“Ye-yeah, damn, Lou.”

“Mmh…” he licks his lips and looks up at him. “Good, cause I really like that too,” and with that he takes Aiden down, flattening his tongue until he feels Aiden hit the back of his throat.

But Louis has been with Harry Styles for four years, and while Harry really liked seeing Louis on his knees in front of him, he’s also pretty fucking huge. So it’s a pretty damn good thing Louis has near to none gage reflex after four years.

He swallows Aiden down easily, looking up at him when his nose bumps against his stomach, pulling him closer by his thighs.

The other boy can’t do much, keeps clawing at the cushions quite helplessly, shuddering at every drag of Louis tongue, eyes closed and mouth open.

Louis draws back, licks around the head while pumping the base before he deepthroats him again. Aiden’s hips buck up, hitting the back of this throat and causing Louis to sputter a little but he doesn’t mind. In fact, he does it again right away, feeling his eyes water slightly and breathing gets a little hard but he likes it. Harry would have had his hands in his hair by now, pulling at the strands, pulling Louis off and closer at the same time, wrecking his voice, wrecking him.

It’s an image that comes too quickly and ambushes him so that he’s got his hands down his own pants quicker than he can comprehend what he’s doing and once he’s got his fingers wrapped around his dick, he can’t stop.

He sucks Aiden off hard, knowing his throat will be raw and his voice roughed up by tomorrow, while the image of green eyes flash behind his closed ones and he can almost feel the drag of Harry’s hands in his hair.

It’s disturbing and aggravating and Louis doubles his efforts in order to wipe his mind, barely registering when Aiden yelps, “coming”.

He chokes a little once Aiden comes down his throat, working himself furiously through it and while Aiden still rides his high, Louis comes in his pants, gasping for air.

 

“Lou, babe come here,” it takes a while for both of them to collect their thoughts and when Aiden opens his arms, Louis goes willingly. “That was… umh. Wow.” Louis chuckles, hiding his face in the crock of Aiden’s neck, both contend with just breathing for a bit.  

“I meant to ask you something.” Louis looks up at Aiden’s tone, managing a guarded “okay”.

“It’s nothing bad as such, I mean, depends really but… I’m rambling,” he runs a hand through his messed up hair. “I just… like we’ve been going out quite a lot and I guess well, with what just happened, that you like me and I like you and I wouldn’t mind if we… saw each other exclusively...” he looks at Louis, waiting for him to process it.

“Exclusively.” He tests the word. “Like… boyfriends?”

Aiden’s face lights up but he keeps his voice neutral. “If you want. I mean, I know you’re not out yet and…”

“That doesn’t really matter,” Louis shakes his head, “That I’m not out yet, I mean.”

“So… would you consider it?”

“I don’t need to consider it,” Louis says with a smile.

“Oh,” Aiden’s face falls slightly but he tries not to pout.

“No stupid,” he laughs, and pushing all other thoughts back successfully, he says “I’d like to be your boyfriend. I really would!”

~

It’s barely dawn when Louis ducks out of Aiden’s apartment, the streets calm and only a few cars on the road yet. The air crisp and the faint scent of wet concrete lingers in the air, but Louis pays these things no mind, heading straight for his car, pulling away from the curb quickly.

He’s heading straight back to Zayn’s, quietly moving through the dark house without flicking the lights on, getting into the shower with only having some twilight to guide him.

Zayn finds him three hours later, sitting at the kitchen island with a cold mug of tea in hand. He stops and stares at Louis for a while, trying to figure out what’s wrong when Louis looks up.

“Morning,” his voice sounds off, like he’s been screaming half the night.

“Morning.” Zayn walks over, cautiously preparing some coffee for himself, silently praying that Perrie doesn’t wake up yet. He knows Louis wants to talk about it, but if Pez walks in here now, the moment will be come and gone. “You sound a bit off, are you feeling okay? Got a cold coming?” Louis snorts a laugh at that but waits until Zayn’s turned around to face him.

“Nah, just sound a little wrecked because I sucked some cock last night.”

Zayn snorts some coffee up his nose.

Once he can see again through the veil of tears that sprung to his eyes, he coughs and asks again “You what?”

“I sucked—“ Louis begins but Zayn holds out his hand.

“Jeeze, so I heard correctly the first time.” Zayn rubs a hand over his face, thinking it’s too early for these kind of conversations. “And… I don’t know what the procedure is, even so I should by now… was it…?”

“Good?” Louis shrugs. “Yeah, it was alright. Apparently I haven’t lost my mojo. And while I was at it, I also got myself a new boyfriend, now how does that sound, Malik?”

“Ah,” Zayn pulls a chair close and takes a seat across from Louis. “So Aiden and you are official now.”

“Yep, loved up and riding into the forever and ever kind of sunset.”

“So you like him? Maybe are in love with him?”

“I like him a lot. In love? Dunno,” Louis shrugs, his eyes still fixed on the table.

“And you’re being an arse about this because…?”

“I don’t know,” he looks up at Zayn and even though the weather is grey and rainy outside, Zayn can make out Louis expression clear as day. He looks… torn, like wanting to cry and scream at the same time as laugh and smile.

“Why aren’t you happy about it?”

“I am,” he runs his hands through his messy hair. “I really am, Aiden is great and everything but…”

“But?” Zayn probes.

“I can’t get him out of my head,” Louis whispers so softly that Zayn has trouble hearing it. “It’s like he’s everywhere.”

Zayn makes a non-committal sound. “It’s been four years, Lou.”

Louis sighs frustrated. “And it’s been more than six months.”

“Compared to four years?” Zayn shrugs. “And it’s not like what you guys had was ordinary, right? It’s not something you can just shake off and walk away from easily.”

“I wish I could get him out of my head. Whenever I think I’m finally past that point, I’ll close my eyes and…” Louis balls his fists. “It’s like he didn’t only fuck up my past, but he’s also fucking up my future.”

“I think it’s only natural that you still think about it and I’m sure Aiden would understand if you told him. He must suspect something, doesn’t he?”

“Never came up, he never asked,” Louis shrugs.

“Maybe you should tell him. If you want to continue what you started, you know? You don’t owe him lengthy explanations but just… let him hear it from you, rather than someone else.”

Louis nods softly.

“Did you sneak out?”

“Kinda. Left him a note saying I had an early meeting… was that a total douchebag move?”

“Nah, you left a note, so that’s okay,” Zayn reaches out and takes Louis hand. “We don’t have to be in until noon. How about we get comfortable on the sofa?”

“Yeah, sounds good.” Zayn lets Louis go first, putting their mugs away while the other boy gets comfortable on the huge leather sofa.

Zayn picks up the remote, waiting until Louis is snuggled close to him and it takes about fifteen minutes until he hears the soft snores of the other boy.

He shifts around a little, getting comfortable and watches Louis sleep for a while.

He looks better than before, the purple bags under his eyes gone and when they hang out now, it’s almost like they got the old Louis back. Almost but not quite, and Zayn wonders if he’ll ever be the same. He doesn’t know if Liam and Niall can see it too, the moment when Louis will drift off, lost in his own little bubble consistent of _HarryAndLouis_ and nothing else.

Moments like these make Zayn want to hunt Harry down and ask him how he could ever let someone like Louis go. How he manages to get out of bed in the morning, knowing he gave that kind of love up.

And Zayn is sure that he loves Perrie, knows that she loves him but remembering Louis and Harry… well, Zayn isn’t sure if there are enough words to describe their love.

But he knows he’ll never understand how Harry could walk away from something like that.


	6. Rockstar (remember when you're rich that you sold yourself for it)

_United States, Los Angeles, beginning of May 2015_

“I swear, if you come near me with that...” Aiden crawls back on the bed, pulling the duvet up to shield himself and Louis pouts. It’s obscuring his view of a tanned and very naked Aiden.

“Oh don’t be such a spoilsport,” he waves his hand covered in whipped cream. “Imagine all the fun we could have,” he lowers his voice, “Imagine how I would clean you up after I got you dirty – with my tongue.”

Aiden is about to lower the duvet, his brown eyes have gone dark and Louis is ready for his victory dance when there’s a knock on the door.

“What?” he barks over his shoulder.

“Hate to interrupt but we have to be somewhere in an hour.” That’s Liam’s voice, muffled by the door.

“So?”

“We have to drive there and something tells me you are not yet appropriately dressed for a Meeting.” Louis looks down on himself grinning at Aiden. “What do you think?” he whispers and Aiden giggles.

“Lou, I got a keycard and I’m not afraid to use it.”

“You sure you want to see my dick covered in whipped cream?”

There’s a thud and Louis is pretty sure Liam just banged his head against the door.

It’s kind of a confirmation when he whines “Too. Many. Images…”

“What time are we meeting downstairs?”

“Half an hour.”

“I’ll be there,” Louis yells back, looking at his hand covered in cream and trying to do the math in his head.

“Louis…”

“I promise! Now, Liam if you don’t mind...” He hears a huff but then retreating footsteps and focuses back on Aiden. “Well, I would have loved to mess you up, babe, but I’m afraid we don’t have time,” he wipes the cream on the sheets and pulls Aiden closer by his thighs, “and it’d be highly unfair to get me worked up and have me walk into a meeting with potential new clients with this,” he points towards his hard cock and Aiden smirks.

“It would, wouldn’t it,” he stretches languidly and shoots Louis a look from under dark lashes.

“It would,” Louis confirms, sliding along his body before he kisses him hungrily.

“Can let that happen now, can I?” Aiden hooks his legs around Louis and brings him closer, their naked bodies gliding together and Louis groans when his dick rubs along Aiden’s.

“No.” He sounds a little breathy and wonders how much longer he’ll have to beg but then Aiden is holding up a condom and smiles.

“Let’s see what you can do in 20 minutes then.”

Louis is only five minutes late, still buzzing and Zayn takes one good look at him, sighing.

“You look fucked.”

“Why thank you love,” Louis pinches his cheek and links arms with Niall. “So tell me, where again are we heading?”

“Checking out a new band. They came with high recommendations from Luke and the guys. Apparently they were their opening act for their first US headline tour.”

“Ah.” Louis has no clue but nods anyway.

A black van is waiting for them outside their hotel, taking them to some slightly rundown building in downtown LA, where they encounter five guys, all around the sweet age of seventeen.

All five are beaming at them, looking at Louis and the guys like they hold the key to heaven and maybe they do. Each and every band or artist they have so far signed managed to climb at least another step up the ladder and while it’s not always down to Zayn and the guys (they were lucky to gather an incredible good team around them, knowing that without those people they wouldn’t be half as successful), they make sure to meet and look at each artist themselves before they offer them a contract.

They spend a long time talking with the band, trying to figure out where they want to go, if they have found their style yet, if this will be the ultimate set-up of the band. Trying to keep it as casual as possible they lounge around in the guy’s rehearsal room before they ask them to play a couple of songs for them.

A bit nervous, they cock up the first one and it’s only when Niall grabs a guitar too, and starts jamming a little, that they loosen up a bit.

Having spent the better part of the afternoon with the guys, Louis takes Aiden out for some sightseeing just before they meet the other guys for dinner again.

“So…” Zayn looks around. “What did you think?”

“A bit jumpy,” admits Louis and Liam nods.

“Yeah, I don’t know if they’re ready yet. I mean, can you imagine them playing in front of larger crowds?”

“They did okay when they were opening for 5sos,” Aiden admits and Louis sometimes forgets that Aiden had been with the four lads for quite a while now.

“But they didn’t seem to do well under pressure,” Liam leans back.

“They were alright once they warmed up to us,” Zayn points out but Liam shakes his head.

“I know and they’re nice lads but… can you really see them at the MET for example in… five years?”

“Did you really see us in the MSG after three?” Louis questions and all three fall silent for a bit.

“We do have the demo tape,” Niall eventually says. “Why don’t we give it a try, have a listen and if we like it, we invite them over to work with them. Maybe they just need a little coaching and they already do have a name over here. Would be nice to have them as opener for the 5sos tour at the end of the year, yeah?”

“Mmh,” Louis hums in agreement.

“If you want, I mean, I could probably come up with a list of people who helped Ash and the guys in the beginning. Maybe we could try and get the same team?” Aiden offers and Zayn nods.

“Sounds like a good idea, actually.”

“So we’ll try it?” Louis looks around.

“Given we like the demo,” Liam reminds them and they nod.

“We’re on the same page?” Zayn questions, waiting until all three have said yes. “Good, then let’s do this.”

It’s become a tradition for them, whenever they have to make bigger, important decisions they will all sit down together, talk it through and only when all four agree will they go ahead with it.

Quite a change to M!M days but Louis loves it. He loves how well they work together, how they can discuss and fight and yell at each other but still go for pints at the end of the day. He never thought it’d work out like that when he signed the contract for ZAP.

Aiden nudges him, silently asking if he’s okay and Louis nods. He’ll sometimes zone out like that, thinking about everything and nothing at the same time until either Aiden or one of the boys calls him back to earth.

“Alright?” Aiden asks him quietly and Louis nods.

“Yeah, I’m fine,” he pulls him down and kisses him softly on the lips.

And Louis is fine. Not perfectly happy yet but he’s doing okay most days. Him and Aiden have been together for a little over a month now and things are going great. Aiden is great. He’s funny, he’s caring and he’s head over heels for Louis. Everything him and Aiden do is easy and comes naturally, there wasn’t even an uproar when they were caught holding hands out on the streets of London. Might be due to the fact that 4/5 of One Direction are already old news, not worth making headlines anymore when one of them gets spotted getting cozy with the same sex. Before, Louis would have freaked had those pictures leaked but now, he just shrugged them off, told the reports no comment and went about his day.

The press has conveniently forgotten about them and Louis doesn’t think he owes them any kind of explanation anymore. They’ve always made up the stories they wanted to and he’s not about to give them more ammunition. Should him and Aiden get more serious he will make a statement but for now, he’s content with things as they are.

Aiden fits into Louis life seamlessly. He gets on well with Niall, Zayn and Liam, is dedicated to his work and absolutely adores Louis. Compared to Harry, this relationship is 90% more stress free.

So Louis doesn’t understand where that feeling comes from like he is missing something fundamentally important but can’t put his finger on what it actually is.

 

***

 

“Just sign here, please.”

Harry waits for the man to point him to the dotted line before he puts his name on it.

His lawyers went over the papers during the last weeks and have finally come up with an agreement that both management and he could live with.

The ink is barely dry before the folder is snatched away and the suits give a curt nod. Harry doesn’t show them out.

His Hollywood domicile is quiet again once the heavy front door falls shut. The noise has something final to it and he bites his lips.

That’s it then.

Harry Styles. Ex-One Direction. And now ex-Rock star. Or Popstar. Whatever.

It’s over now. The important addition is the word _ex_.

As expected, the second single flopped even more spectacularly than the first one, dragging the album down with it and not even six months after his solo career started, it’s over. Management told him they wanted to take a break, leave it for a year and then try again.

Harry’s been in the business long enough to know that it wouldn’t happen. They would tell him the exact same thing in a year’s time and as embarrassing and devastating as it is now, he’d rather have a clean, quick cut than drag it on longer than necessary.

So he terminated the contract with M!M, meaning he’s as of now without label. Unsigned.

Feels a lot like time travel back to the days before the XFactor. Only that he now sits in his grande Hollywood home overlooking the city.

His gaze flicks to the tabloid Paul brought over earlier, a small picture of Louis and that blond guy from the Brits down on the far right corner. It’s not headlines worthy anymore, neither of them are really, but at least it was briefly mentioned.

Harry spent ages looking at the picture, longer than he took to read through the contracts that effectively ended his career. Maybe he’s got his priorities wrong.

But then again, he’s got a lot of things wrong in the last couple of months.

Louis looks genuinely happy, fingers entwined with the other boy. There’s not haunted look in his eyes, like he doesn’t care if he gets papped or not. He probably doesn’t. Louis seems to have reached the point where he’s finally confident enough with his own sexuality to not give a toss anymore.

God, Harry wishes it was him in that picture. He wishes it was him holding Louis hand, having Louis look at him like that. Wishes they were getting papped so that the world finally knew that this beautiful boy is his.

But that’s another thing for Harry’s long list of ‘ex’ he wishes he still had or had never done.

“Hi.” he doesn’t look up when Paul sinks into the plush lounge chair next to him, holding out a new glass with orange juice.

“Hi.”

“So all done?”

“All done and over,” Harry nods.

“I’m sorry, H.”

“Yeah, me too,” he reaches for the glass and rolls it between his Hands. “Listen, I know I’m technically not a star anymore but, umh, I’d appreciate if you stayed around for a little while...”

“Harry, we’re friends, aren’t we? Of course I’ll stick around.”

“Thanks,” he mumbles.

They sit in silence, gaze wandering over the pool and the gardens. It’s warm here already, the promise of spring and summer more prominent than back home in England. Harry wonders if he should sell the house, cut his losses. Maybe he should start looking for a job as well, he still knows enough people in the industry…

“Have you heard about ZAP?”

“Zayn’s tattoo?” Harry asks.

“No, well not only the tattoo. It’s… umh, a label.”

“A Label,” Harry echoes rather stupidly.

“A record label. Are you sure you haven’t heard about it? Luke, Ashton, Cal and Mickey went and signed with them at the beginning of this year...?”

Harry shakes his head. He knew 5sos quit their contract with management after barely a year but he didn’t know – or didn’t really pay attention to – who they signed with next.

“ZAP records,” Paul sighs. “It’s been founded in January.”

“Well, I’ve never heard of them but I guess they must be kinda big if they managed to sign 5sos.”

“Mmh, that’s probably due to the fact that Niall Horan owns the Label.” It’s quite good that Harry put the glass back because now would have been the moment to drop it.

“What?”

“Niall Horan, Zayn Malik and Liam Payne. They founded a record label. Well and Louis.”

Harry blinks dumbstruck at Paul. “Are you alright? You look like you’re having a stroke!”

“I feel like it,” he admits, a little short of breath. “They did what?”

“Apparently it was Zayn’s idea. He’s been looking into it for a while now and when… well, when they terminated their contracts he set the plan in motion. Niall was on board fairly quickly and I guess Louis and Liam didn’t need that much convincing.”

“How are they doing?” Harry’s brain is still trying to keep up with these new bits of information and he bites his lips. Why does no one ever tell him stuff anymore?

“Good, it’s really working out for them,” Paul says softly and Harry nods. At least he didn’t take everything from them. It’s a small condolence but better than nothing.

“So that’s why they were at the Brits?” Paul nods and his gaze drops to the picture of Louis and the blond guy.

“He’s not out officially.”

“How do you know?”

“Niall talks to Josh, Josh talks to me…” Paul shrugs and Harry forgot how entwined they all were before he went and ruined it.

“Is that…?”

“His name’s Aiden. He’s been working for 5sos and when they signed with ZAP...” Paul shrugs.

“Are they…?” Harry is unable to form the question.

“I don’t know. Niall hasn’t said much about it.”

“Okay,” he whispers softly.

“Harry don’t you think that maybe… if you miss him so much… don’t you think it’d be time to talk to him?”

The laugh sounds more like a sob. “Louis? If never is the earliest he’ll talk to me I'd still be lucky. You know him Paul, and I went the extra mile to hurt him. Even if I make it close to him, Zayn is sure to rip me into pieces and I’m lucky if it’s only him. If Liam gets there before him…”

“They are still your friends…”

“No Paul, whatever we are, it’s not friends anymore,” Harry shakes his head, staring at the ground.

“Hey Harry…”

“It’s okay” he doesn’t look up. “It’s my own fault really, innit? It was me who ruined it and when I walked away, I never looked back. Can’t expect them to do it differently now, can I?”

“You miss them?”

“So much,” Harry whispers. “If I could go back… I would never go solo, I would tell them where to stick their stupid album.”

He looks out in the distance, not really seeing the gardens but blue eyes. “I wouldn’t treat Louis like that, I would never hurt him so badly, I would…” Harry bites his lips, willing the tears not to fall. He can’t seem to stop crying ever since that night at the Brit Awards.

“Harry…” Paul moves closer to him but he shakes his head.

“I deserve it Paul. I wanted to be a big star and I acted like one of those arrogant brats we all despised when we started. It’s only fair.”

“Just because you made a mistake doesn’t mean you have to live with it for the rest of your life,” he looks up at Paul. “If you really want, there’s no reason to stop you from trying to set it right again.”

 

***

 

It’s their last night in LA when Niall decides they at least have to attend one of the numerous parties they had been invited to.

Reluctantly, the other boys had agreed, but only because it was a private party and they weren’t keen on watching their backs the whole night, especially Louis since Aiden was tagging along.

He still planned on coming out but not because of some blurry video or shot from a club, showing him snogging his boyfriend. Niall had assured him that there were bigger names more worthy taking a shot of, and the owner of the mansion had given out a ‘no-cameras-no-phones’ order which was to be taken seriously.

So the boys left their phones at the hotel, going out to dinner before they were picked up and taken to the home somewhere in the Hollywood hills.

They lose Niall about 5 minutes in the party but Louis doesn’t mind. Slightly buzzed thanks to the numerous bottles of wine they shared during dinner, he sticks close to Aiden and the other two boys, navigating through the crowd with ease. They get stopped occasionally; old friends wanting to say hi and congratulate them on their business, new acquaintances wanting to set up meetings and get on board to secure a piece of the cake while there’s still enough of it to go round. They let Liam take care of that, giving out their details to people he deems trustworthy and politely declining the other offers.

Zayn spots the bar first, so Louis and Aiden kind of abandon Liam with his latest ‘new’ friend and head straight to it, Zayn in tow.

“Well thank you,” Liam mumbles a couple of minutes later when he finally makes it.

“Aw, don’t pout, dearest LiLi, didn’t want to interrupt that deep conversation you had,” Louis grins.

“Deep my ass. Which she kept grabbing by the way.” Liam takes a generous gulp and turns around, surveying the crowd.

“How old do you think she is?” Zayn cocks his head, looking back to the woman in the tight leopard dress who chewed Liam’s ear off.

“Hard to tell. We’re in Hollywood, could be anything between 25 and 75,” Aiden shrugs.

“I go with 50,” Louis grins and nudges Liam. “What’d you say, isn’t it time for a little cougar action? It’s been a while.”

“I hate you,” Liam says with a big smile. “Very much. Even more when you drink.”

“I’m just looking out for you.”

Liam turns to Zayn with a pleading look. “I hate him when he gets laid on a regular basis.”

“I just hate him full stop,” says Zayn without looking at them, eyes still fixed on the crowd.

“Umh, should we start looking for Niall maybe?” Aiden asks and all three chuckle.

“Give it another hour and then just follow the ‘oh my God, he’s getting naked’ screams. Should lead you right back to the little leprechaun,” Louis pulls Aiden closer by his collar and pecks his lips. “But it’s cute that you worry about him.”

“Is it?” Aiden grins and leans closer and Liam sighs exasperated at the repeated PDA. Louis ignores him, meeting Aiden in an open mouthed kiss.

It might not be the best idea to snog his boyfriend so publicly, but for one phones and cameras are forbidden so the chances of anything leaking are small to nonexistent and even if one of the other party guests feels he or she needs to tell the press what they saw – which Louis doubts because he lost his A class celebrity status a year ago – he can still easily deny or just ignore it.

Plus, he just doesn’t care anymore. He’s gay – so what? Most people suspected him to be anyways while he was still part of One Direction and while management thought it to be the biggest scandal (and there was a time when Louis was still insecure enough to be talked into the closet and agree with the deflection tactics of M!M) Louis just can’t seem to care anymore.

Zayn, Niall and Liam knew all along, we there to witness Harry and him fall in love and never batted an eyelash. His family was largely supportive once he found the courage to tell them and when it comes to the rest… well, for all Louis cares they can go to hell. He’s not in a band anymore, not forced to keep an image for record sales and public appearances.

He’s finally free to do whatever he wants. And right now, he wants to dance with Aiden. Grind against him and get him worked up. Kiss him right on the dance floor and suck marks into his slightly tanned skin for everyone to see.

And should Aiden feel the need to paw at Louis ass right then and there, well, then it’s just something that happens. Girls get groped left and right from him and just because they’re guys… well, Louis has a great ass, a piece of art really that could rival Kim Kardashians.

“I think Liam is mad at us,” Aiden whispers in his ear and Louis sneaks a peek over his shoulder, seeing Liam leant against the bar, talking to someone that looks a lot like Pharell while he still shoots Louis and Aiden a disapproving glance from time to time.

“Nah, he’s just jealous,” Louis runs his lips around Aiden’s neck, lapping at the thin layer of sweat. Aiden’s skin is warm, almost hot from their dancing, his cologne mixed with his natural scent a heavy and heady mix. Instead of pulling back, Louis shuffles closer, running his lips along his jaw before he finally captures Aiden lips, licking into this mouth.

Aiden grinds his hips into Louis, making him stutter in his movements. It’s rather a split decision, nothing Louis hasn’t done before but well… it’s been a while since he dragged a boy away from the dance floor and through a crowded house in search of a vacated bathroom.

His boyfriend goes willingly, laughing and slightly out of breath but his eyes are dark and his fingers wrapped around Louis’ in a firm grip. He doesn’t waste any time once they found the bathroom, sinking to his knees while Louis is still busy fumbling with the lock.

“Finally,” Aiden whispers hoarsely, yanking Louis belt open and his trousers down.

“Yeah, come on. Need your mouth, babe.” Weaving his hands in Aiden’s hair, Louis tugs a little rougher than usual, causing Aiden to shoot him a glare. He shrugs apologetically and thrusts his hips forward a little. Luckily Aiden gets the picture and without further discussion, sucks Louis down.

He’d really like to fist Aiden’s hair, make him moan by pulling it but he knows Aiden’s not into that. He barely pats Louis head when he gives head, trying to keep still at all costs. Never has he fucked Louis mouth or made him choke on cock and well, Louis kind of misses that. Sex with Aiden isn’t bad but it’s not… it’s nice and loving and Aiden treats him like glass and Louis just wants to fuck him up a little, wants Aiden to wreck him until he’s a quivering mess but he’s pretty sure Aiden would run the other way if he were to voice his fantasies.

So Louis takes what he can get and right now, it’s enough. There’s a beautiful boy on the floor for him and when he looks up, he can see the adoration in Aiden’s eyes. It _should_ be enough.

He comes down Aiden’s throat, lifting him up by his shoulders while he’s still trying to swallow all of Louis, kissing him hungrily and tasting himself on Aiden’s tongue. Quickly undoing Aiden’s trousers, Louis brings him off with some quick, practiced tugs and when Aiden comes all over Louis hand, he licks his fingers clean, watching Aiden’s expression waver between lust and horror.

“You can be so… filthy,” Aiden shakes his head but kisses Louis nevertheless.

“Aw you like it, don’t lie,” he ruffles Aiden’s hair and steps in front of the mirror.

A loud knock on the door startles him but he quickly barks a, “Just a second” over his shoulder, ruffling through the cabins in the hope of finding some hairspray or product. The moist weather does nothing for his hair and he picks at his deflated fringe with a pout.

“Maybe we should…” Aiden points towards the door when there’s another, louder knock.

“It’s a freaking mansion, I’m sure there are other bathrooms one could use,” he’s raised his voice towards the end of the sentence, hoping that whoever is in front of that door gets the hint and goes.

“Louis!” Aiden hisses and he sighs. His boyfriend can go from hot and dirty to uptied in a matter of seconds and should he have to guess, he’d say Aiden was properly embarrassed by now, being caught in a bathroom that smelled of sex.

“Fine, open the goddamn door.” He doesn’t turn when Aiden opens the door, just hears someone sucking in a harsh breath and Aiden’s ‘oh’.

Wriggling his nose, Louis gives up on his hair and turns around while doing his trousers and belt back up, coming face to face with – Harry.

Aiden stands motionless in the doorframe but Harry is tall enough to look over his shoulder, green, glassy eyes fixed on Louis.

“I… umh,” Aiden takes a step and Harry lets him pass quietly, standing stock still. His eyes are focused on Louis hands, darting back to Aiden before taking in the now unlocked door and bathroom.

He literally crumbles in front of Louis eyes.

“What are you doing here?” Louis doesn’t realize he spoke – had the intention to speak to Harry – before the words left his mouths.

Harry flinches like he’s been whipped. “I… I was invited.” Louis snorts at that, mumbling something about Hollywood trash sticking together.

He’s about to shuffle past Harry as well, but the curly haired bloke blocks his path. Aiden shoots him a look and Louis sighs.

“I’ll be right there, just give me a minute, babe,” he tells Aiden, who glances back at Harry but nods and leaves.

Louis waits until he’s sure Aiden is gone, then leans against the counter smirking. “What?”

Harry swallows visibly. “So… I see you made new friends.”

“Might say that. You like him? He’s a bit pretty, ain’t he? Cute little ass, soft lips. Quite a catch.”

“Louis…” Harry lowers his head obviously not keen on hearing him talk about another bloke like that.

“What Harry?! You’re too straight now to hear me talk about my boyfriend?”

“Boyfriend?” Harry’s head flies up at that, eyes looking shocked.

“Yes, boyfriend,” Louis snorts. “You didn’t think I’d still mop around? Heartbrokenly sobbing over an old picture of you and I?”

“I didn’t… no, of course not. I just…” he scrambles for his words, completely lost.

“You just what Harry?” Louis sighs, feigning annoyance. “Did someone finally manage to fuck your brains out? Too much coke and booze? You reckon you’ll manage to string a sentence within the next minute because I actually have somewhere I’d like to be and it’s not here, and certainly not in a bathroom with you of all People.”

Hurt flashes bright and clear across Harry’s face but he manages to catch Louis by surprise when he says “Please, I’m so sorry, Lou.”

It’s at the mention of the pet name that Louis freezes. His whole body literally goes cold for a few seconds, the words echoing through his mind.

He can still hear the heavy bass from downstairs, snatches of conversations and the clinking of glasses but it feels like the world has suddenly narrowed down once more to just him and Harry. His last night in the L.A. and just like in a bad movie, Harry goes to the same party, shows up in front of the bathroom where Louis just received an okay blowjob from his new boyfriend. Harry, who he hadn’t seen in months, looking worse for wear, tired and upset and so broken that a part of Louis starts to ache he thought had died that very night in October when Harry broke his heart. Seeing Harry like that, all he wants to do is reach out, run his fingers through the mess of his curls and hold him, whisper sweet nothings in his ear and kiss him until he sees that smile on his lips again.

And for that, he hates Harry.

It’s been months and Louis believed he finally managed to piece himself back together only to have Harry rub it in his face that he’s still not over him, maybe never will be.

“You’re sorry,” Louis taps his lips.

“I am. So, so sorry for what I did. I wish I could change it. If I could take it back I would never—“

“Funny thing, isn’t it,” Louis pushes himself off of the counter. “Wishing, I mean. You can spend hours and days wishing for something but it’s in vain. It doesn’t change anything. And just because you _wish_ for it to be different doesn’t make it any different. You still did what you did, you still went behind our backs and betrayed us. So tell me, Harry Styles, is it worth it? Now that you sold your soul for this, is it everything you dreamt of? Blond bunnies in your bed, champagne for breakfast, millions of girls waiting in line just to get a glimpse of the famous pop star?”

Harry silently shakes his head and Louis can’t stop, driven by the insane desire to destroy Harry, to see him on broken on the floor – to make him feel just an ounce of the pain Louis felt.

“You are pathetic, Styles,” he tells him. “Look at you!”

Louis reaches out and flicks Harry’s black shirt in disgust. “Standing here with your tail tugged between your legs,” He walks around him in a slow circle. “What did I ever see in you?”

Harry whimpers at that and if Louis wasn’t just too fucking angry he’d stop right here, but he _can’t_.

“Begging for forgiveness… it’s not that easy Harry. We owe you nothing – I owe you nothing. You turned your back on me, don’t ever forget that. It was you who walked out, it was you how schemed behind our back, it was you. Only you. And you don’t deserve my forgiveness. I am better off without you now. I can be who I am, I can be with who I want to be. I can be as _twinky_ and _gay_ as I want to be.”

“I didn’t mean…”

“You didn’t mean to call me a twink?” Louis laughs. “You didn’t mean to tell me you weren’t gay and I practically forced myself on you?”

“No, Louis, I never meant-“

“See the thing is…” Louis interrupts Harry and gets close to him, waiting for him to look him in the eyes. “I don’t care what you _meant_. I don’t care what you _wish_ for. I don’t care what you think and I don’t care what you want. Because _I don’t care about you_ anymore, Harry. Because _I don’t love you anymore._ ” He sees it, the very moment something breaks inside of Harry.

“You don’t get to wish for anything, anymore. You broke us and now you don’t get to cry over the way I put myself back together. You made that decision and now you have to live with it. And I am happy. I’ve got a great job, I’ve got the best friends and I have a boyfriend who loves me. I am happy without you, Harry, and I will continue to be happy without.

Go and be a pop star, go and fuck all the girls you want. It’s what you choose over us, over me. Go and be ‘ _not gay’_ , go and do whatever it is you do, superstar. Just do it without me. Because I’ll be doing it without you and I’ll be happier than before.”

He walks past Harry and casually throws a “Goodbye Harry Styles” over his shoulder, walking down the stairs without turning to look back once.

 

He doesn’t run but goes back to Aiden and enjoys the rest of his night without catching a glimpse of the dark haired bloke. Not that he’s looking.

And when they make it back to the hotel he doesn’t fuck Aiden harder than ever before to wipe his mind because it didn’t affect him.

He curls closer to his boyfriend, trying to relax in his embrace, trying to find a position that fits and if Louis can’t fall asleep for hours it’s just because of the alcohol.

Green eyes certainly don’t haunt him whenever he closes his, that broken look in Harry’s eyes when he told him he didn’t love him anymore surely has nothing to do with Louis feeling like he’s suffocating.

Harry needed to hear this, he deserved to hear it. Who does he think he is, walking out on Louis like that and expecting a simple ‘sorry’ to make it all okay? It was Louis right to talk to him like that, some sort of closure. They may never cross paths again but Louis was waiting for a chance to tell him how low exactly he thought of Harry.

Doesn’t explain why Louis feels miserable and close to tears for the rest of the night.

~

A week later and Louis is still somewhat feeling off, unable to pinpoint what exactly rubbed him the wrong way but he’s just not in a good mood. He choked each and every of Aiden’s attempt to talk about Harry, didn’t want to discuss his ex-boyfriend and heartbreak with his new love. He keeps telling himself that it’s just because it’s still too raw, that Aiden wasn’t around those four years, doesn’t know about him and Harry like the rest does but then again, this doesn’t explain why he also forbid Aiden from mentioning anything to the other boys. And why he hasn’t said anything to them either. Louis kinda wants to pretend it never happened if only he could feeling like an arse about it.

He barely slept and it certainly doesn’t help that Niall’s door is wide open, his raucous laughter entertaining the whole floor.

Louis groans and pinches his nose, a headache beginning to form. Trying really hard to concentrate on his emails, he gives up after five minutes and stalks over to Niall’s door.

“Mind keeping it the fuck down?!” he barks before he even checks who Niall is with.

“Good to see some things never change. What got your knickers in a twist, princess?” Louis blinks twice but Josh, their former drummer is still lounging in one of Niall’s leather chairs, feet propped up on the desk.

“Speechless, well if that isn’t a first,” Josh swings his feet off the desk and walks over to Louis, hugging him. “Good to see you, mate.”

“You too, I mean, but…” he shakes his head and starts again. “Don’t get me wrong but…”

“What on earth are you doing here, aren’t you supposed to be in L.A.?” Josh finishes his sentence and Louis nods. After their split, Harry kept the band so to say and as far as Louis was aware, they were still working together. Which doesn’t mean Niall isn’t allowed to talk to them or meet them but… well, he just didn’t expect to see Josh here.

“Kinda, yeah.” Louis ruffles his hair and grabs the other chair.

“Came back about a week ago,” Josh shrugs. “Sandy and Dan are back as well.”

“I’ve just been telling Josh about Rhona, you remember? The singer we signed a couple of weeks ago? Thought the guys would fit her nicely, we could try how they work together. We were looking for a band for her anyways” Niall shrugs.

“Yeah.” Somehow this morning is going a little too fast for Louis sleep deprived brain.

“I already told Liam, Zayn was out with Perrie yesterday but I think they’re back so I could call them…”

“Hang on Niall!” He raises his hand and luckily Niall stops to catch a breath. “It’s all nice and great but, correct me if I’m wrong; you still have a contract and I mean you kinda work for someone already don’t you?” he looks at Josh.

“You’re wrong”

“What?” Louis snorts. “Haha, very funny. I know you worked with Harry on his album and I know you guys played some gigs together…”

“We did, yes, but we don’t work for him anymore.”

“What? He sacked you too? Jeeze I can’t believe it, what a fucking wanker,” Louis growls and Josh’s face falls.

“Oh fuck, you don’t know, do you?” He whispers and Niall slowly shakes his head.

“Know what?” Josh and Niall exchange a look.

“Know what?” Louis presses and Josh sighs.

“We did work with Harry for a while, yes but umh… the album… like, management didn’t give him much say and the two singles…” Josh scratches his head and Louis is sure his gaze is about to drill a hole in his skull.

“Spit it out already, will you? I promise I won’t faint.”

“You know how the singles were received?” Josh asks him instead and Louis shakes his head. Of course he’d heard the tune once or twice on the radio, after all, Harry was still friends with Nick Grimshaw but he can’t say he followed his career.

“They were shit. They were shit and everyone knew it, except management. Just like the album. Harry had some good, even great ideas, but M!M… you know how they are. So no, we don’t work for Harry anymore because Harry isn’t working anymore.”

“What?”

“His album flopped, the singles flopped and management suggested putting ‘a hold’ on his career,” Josh snorts. “We all know what that meant. He quit about a month ago.”

“He…” Louis tries to swallow but his throat just makes a dry clicking noise. “He quit?”

“Yes, Lou.” Josh actually looks rather upset. “He risked it all and lost. No new album, no contract. End of his dreams.”

Louis stares blankly ahead while Josh keeps talking but it’s all static to him. He doesn’t react when Niall calls out to him, just gets up and walks to his office, closing the door.

 

Standing in front of his desk, Louis thinks he should feel happy because Harry got what he deserved. That’s karma, innit? But all he gets is a sinking feeling.

He fiddles with his phone for a second, unlocking and locking the screen until he has the guts to open his contacts and scroll down to the number he’d been looking for. He presses the green button before he can change his mind, knowing if he doesn’t do it now, he’ll never have the guts to do it.

It rings three, four, five times and Louis is about to hang up, when a familiar voice says “Hello?”

He sucks in a sharp breath, momentarily unable to talk over that big lump in his throat.

“Hello? Louis, is that you?”

“Hi Anne,” his voice comes out shakier than intended.

“Louis,” she sounds equally shocked. After all, they hadn’t spoken since October last year, Louis had successfully dodge each and every call from her and Gemma.

“Yeah, it’s me. Sorry for calling out of the blue like that, I know it’s been a while…”

“Don’t be silly, dear. It’s good to hear your voice.”

“Yeah?” He asks and Anne chuckles softly.

“Yes. How are you? I heard all about your brand new label, how’s that going?”

“Good, it’s going really good. So I think that’s probably down to Zayn and Liam, those two really keep Niall and I in check,” he says with a small smile. “But yeah, better than I ever thought it could get after…”

“Yes, I heard about that too. And I… I just want you to know I’m sorry.”

“Oh Anne,” all of a sudden he feels choked again. “You don’t have to be sorry. I should be. After all I avoided you when I knew you didn’t have anything to do with it. It wasn’t your fault…”

“But it was my son, wasn’t it?” she sighs. “I can only imagine how badly he must have hurt you, Lou, and for that I am so, so sorry.”

He exhales on a shaky breath. “Thanks.”

“Listen, I just want you to know that we’re still here for you, okay? I still love you Louis, and please know you can stop by any time you like.”

“Gosh Anne, that’s… wow.” He really didn’t expect the call to go like that. “God, I feel like an ass for not calling and now… but I’ve been wondering and you’re about the only person I think I could ask so… umh… I was just wondering… how is Harry?”

Now it’s Anne who sucks in a harsh breath, her voice shaking a little once she finally answers. “I don’t know. I haven’t talked to my son since last October.”

“You – what? Why?”

She laughs but it sounds more like she’s about to burst into tears. Harry Styles seems to have that effect on people who love him.

“I… when he called and told me what he did to you boys, how he treated you, I… we fought. He didn’t like to hear what I had to say and hasn’t called me since. Or picked up his phone. He texts Gemma occasionally but…”

“Fuck,” is all Louis can manage and when Anne just says “Yes, fuck” Louis knows how deeply hurt she is too.

They talk for a little bit longer, bringing each other up to date and Louis hangs up with a promise to stop by when he’s next going to see his family in Doncaster.

 

It’s a little while later that there’s a soft knock on his door and Liam, Zayn and Niall walk in, silently sitting down while Louis plays with his phone.

“You know, he was at that Party,” he says and Liam frowns in confusion. “L.A. Our last night? Harry was at the party too.”

“Told you I saw him,” Niall mutters but otherwise keeps quiet.

“Did you… umh meet him?” Zayn asks carefully and Louis give a dry laugh.

“Might say that,” he sits back up straight but still can’t look any of his friends in the eyes. “Aiden and I were in the bathroom and…” he blushes a little. “There was a knock on the door. When Aiden opened it, Harry just stood there like… I don’t know. He looked so… like Harry,” he ends helplessly. “Like nothing has changed when fricking everything has, you know?”

The guys don’t say anything, just wait for him to continue.

“He looked so… hurt and betrayed when he saw Aiden and…” Louis growls in frustration. “And then he just said ‘I’m sorry’ like he fucking expected those three words to make it all okay. But I mean, they don’t, right? It’s not enough! He can’t just show up at some random party, looking all hurt and expect me to... to… I don’t know –hug him? Tell him it’s alright again? That’s not how it works!” Louis almost shouts, only realizing he got up and started pacing when Zayn puts a hand on his shoulder.

“What happened, Lou?”

Angling his head back, Louis bites his bottom lip. “I was horrible,” he whispers.

“He just stood there like a deer caught in the headlights, looking so sad when I told him Aiden was my boyfriend and when he muttered ‘sorry’ I… I lost it. I told him he didn’t get to say that, that it wasn’t enough after all he did. He could wish forever and a day for things to be different but it wouldn’t _change anything_.

I asked him if all this fame and fortune were worth it and I… I told him I was better off without him, happier. That I didn’t need him anymore. That I didn’t love him anymore,” Louis finishes in a faint whisper.

They’re all silent for a moment until Zayn clears his throat. “Well you didn’t know, did you?”

“Still,” Louis eventually has the courage to look into his friends eyes. “I shouldn’t have said what I did. I should have just walked away.”

“Why didn’t you?” there’s no judgment in Liam’s voice.

“I was… so angry, Li. He stood there all upset and I just… he doesn’t get to look like that, you know? He tore us apart and I just felt… it was his decision so he doesn’t get to be all unhappy and make me feel guilty about it, you know?”

“Yeah, I guess I do,” Liam nods. “Don’t beat yourself up about it. What you said might not have been nice but maybe… well maybe he needed to hear it. You’ve moved on and he’s got to as well… so maybe it’s for the better.”

“Sure,” Louis nods but when he meets Zayn’s eye both know he doesn’t believe in a single word Liam just said.

~

Later that week, Louis skips half a day of work. He just tells Zayn he’s got some errands to run, who looks a little sceptic but doesn’t question him.

It takes Louis about half an hour to reach his destination and then another fifteen minutes of sitting in his car, staring at the door before he manages to get out and unlock it.

The air inside is stale and he can see dust whirling around in the faint light streaming in through the floor to ceiling windows. Everything looks vacated, like it’s been years and not just months since someone’s been here.

White sheets are covering the furniture and while he knows that Zayn sent the cleaners round, he still looks for traces of him and Harry but never finds one. Except the picture he smashed, still lying on the floor in the bed of broken glass. Louis contemplates picking it up but then shrugs and leaves it.

He goes upstairs, passing the master bedroom Harry and him used to share once upon a time without sparing it a glance and heads straight for Harry’s old study.

It becomes even more evident that no one lives here anymore when Louis sees the papers scattered over the desk. Obviously, Zayn had told everyone to stay clear of this room since some of their unpublished songs are lying around in here, stuff Harry and him had been working on before… well, just before really.

Louis ignores the sheets with some unfinished song on the desk and goes straight for the shelves, fingers tracing the back of folders until he finds the one he’s looking for. Carrying it over to the desk, he dumps it right on Harry’s last work and flicks through the pages until he finds what he’s looking for.

It’s a little shocking coming face to face with Harry’s handwriting again after so long and Louis swallows hard.

Running his fingers over the letters, he still remembers how happy and proud Harry was when he showed him this song, how much it meant to him – to them really – and no matter how much management tried to change it, Harry was stubborn when it came to the lyrics and who should sing what.

Probably one of the reasons why this song never made it on the set list.

Louis grabs the sheets and rolls them up, not bothering to put the folder back, before he quickly walks back out to his car, trying not to look in his review mirror every second while he drives away.

It’s just past 2pm when he reaches his destination, having sent Zayn another text to let him know his errands are taking a little longer than expected.

 

The doorbell gives a little rattle when he pushes it open, and he’s glad once he sees that he’s the only customer this time. Zayn and him have been here before but then they had been accompanied by a horde of paps and screaming fans.

Now, people hardly look twice when he crosses the street and while he still gets stopped for photos and autographs, it’s a little sad how fast the world moves these days, how quick they became yesterday’s news.

“Tommo, hey,” Steve comes out from the back and extends his hand. “Long time no see.”

“Yah, sorry man. Had some stuff to figure out, times were a bit crazy.”

“No worries,” Steve pats him on the back. “All good now? Heard you got a new business?”

“ZAP records,” he grins at the name. “Zayn, Liam, Niall and I are running it. It’s good fun and it actually took off quite well. Didn’t expect it, you know.”

“Don’t put yourself down, you guys were quite big. Anyone who gets the chance to work with you would be stupid to not take it.”

“You wouldn’t believe how many stupid people are out there,” Louis grins and Steve nods with a sigh.

“Very true. But tell me, what can I do for you today?” Louis fishes the piece of paper from his back pocket, handing them to Steve.

“Those two lines,” he points to the bottom of the page.

Steve looks at him and back at the page but eventually nods. “Come on then. Show me where you want it and I’ll get the rest ready.”

~

Zayn doesn’t suspect anything when he shows up late for work that day, dressed in sweats and a jumper. He doesn’t even say anything when Louis’ outfit doesn’t change much over the next two days and it’s only by chance that he walks past the bathroom when Louis forgot to close the door and is just changing into some jeans.

“What’s that?”

Louis jumps, nearly slipping on the wet tiles. “Knocking?”

“The door was half way open,” Zayn dismisses any further complaints rather quickly and traps Louis in the bathroom.

“What’s that?” he points at the rather large plaster sticking out of his boxers.

“Nothing?” Louis tries and Zayn snorts, reaching for his pants. “Woah, mate I feel flattered but please remember that you’re happily engaged and I’m just on my way to see my boyfriend.”

“Haha. Funny that. You can go once you’ve shown me what’s under those layers.”

“Cheeky,” Louis slaps his hands away. “But none of your Business.”

“Tomlinson.”

“Malik,” he answers in the same tone and Zayn rolls his eyes.

“Really? You know I don’t mind wrestling you to the floor but I’d rather not.”

“It’s just a new tat, nothing I haven’t gotten before, you know.”

“Well, can I see?”

“Why?”

“Did you get my name tattooed or something? Jeeze Lou, stop being such a pussy and just show me! What’s the big deal?” Louis huffs but doesn’t answer.

“Oh my God, you totally got my name tattooed!” Zayn hollers.

“What? No, gosh is there anything vainer than you walking this planet!?”

“I’ll have you known that my cheek bones were highly praised all over the internet, so no. Nothing vainer. And I have the universal right to be because I’m awesome.”

“You, my dear friend are a little gaga.”

“And you, my dear friend, have my name tattooed on your hip!”

“For crying out loud!” Louis yanks the zipper of his pants down and pushes his boxers aside. Carefully peeling of the plaster, he waits until Zayn’s crouched down on the floor, face at level with his crotch which is… a little disturbing really.

But Zayn doesn’t even seem to notice, just stares long and hard at the two lines adorning Louis hip.

“That looks awfully familiar,” Zayn finally says.

“You heard it a million times.”

“No, the writing,” he reaches out as if to touch Louis skin but then doesn’t. “It’s his?”

“Zayn, please.”

“No, Louis.” Zayn gets up and looks him sternly in the eyes. “What about Aiden? What about ‘I’m over it’?”

“I am!” He cries out and a little quieter but sternly repeats. “I am, Zayn. It’s… I don’t know. I just felt I needed to do it. Like a goodbye of some sorts.”

Zayn doesn’t say anything for a while until he nods. “I hope you are, Lou. Over it, I mean. I really do, because I don’t ever want to see you hurting like that again.”

“I won’t, I’m fine.”

“I know.”

 

Zayn watches as Louis puts the plaster back in place, carefully getting dressed again. And even so the tattoo is now hidden by his clothes, Zayn can still see it.

Harry’s handwriting from the song he seemed to have written solely for Louis, for the sole purpose of hearing Louis sing those lines he’s now got permanently inked on his skin.

 

_You’re all I want_

_So much it’s hurting_

 

“I know you’re fine, Lou, I just wish you were happy again,” Zayn mutters when the front door falls shut.


	7. Can't remember to forget you (I keep forgetting I should let you go)

_London, June 2015_

“We’re here,” Paul turns in his seat and gazes at Harry.

“Oh.” The younger boy mutters, shaking his head and trying to clear some of the haze. He reaches for the door when it’s just being yanked open and stumbles slightly out into the dim afternoon light of London.

Paul walks over quickly, handing the keys to the guys from valet parking and shoots Harry a worried glance.

He can understand it, he’d worry about himself if he could muster the energy to do it but he nevertheless wishes Paul’d stop looking at him like that.

Harry’s not going to break down publicly – again. Done that in L.A. already and although the pictures of him drunk and shouting at paparazzi didn’t quite make the headlines, they served to knock some sense back into him. These days he’s contend with keeping a low profile, getting drunk on his own, staring off into the distance teary eyed. It’s not much fun being around him but he doesn’t quite have it in him to pick himself up off the floor.

Paul checks them in and Harry briefly wonders why they’re staying at a hotel when he’s got a perfectly good house in London but he doesn’t question it. It doesn’t really matter.

“So, anything you got planned for tonight?” Harry looks at Paul like he’s joking.

“What about meeting Nick? You guys haven’t seen each other in ages!”

“Mmh, and I’d like to keep it that way,” Harry mutters. He had met up with Nick a couple of times but once his career took an obvious downturn so did his ‘friendship’ with the older lad. It’s just another stab at Harry’s ego, another thing to dangle in front of his nose that shouts “Louis was right all along, Nick wanted to get in your pants and once you weren’t the famous popstar anymore he’d drop you faster than you could spell your name”.

Well, Nick didn’t really get in his pants – not for a lack of trying – but somehow Harry never managed to take the final step, always being held back by something.

Or _someone_ , whispers a tiny voice in his head.

Whatever it was, Nick isn’t really interested in him anymore, having found some other toyboy to play with and since he isn’t some fancy popstar anymore, Nick is a lot more lax with returning his calls or texts.

And Harry isn’t going to beg for attention or affection. Not yet, he thinks with a smirk; give him a couple of beers and some whiskey and he just might be desperate enough.

“Don’t let me drink too much,” he says to Paul, who nods before he goes to answer the door to take their bags. “And remind me what we’re doing here again?”

“It’s your home Harry.”

“My house is in L.A.”

“Last time I checked, you were put down as owner of another lovely property in the London area.”

“Last time, I still had a boyfriend to come home to,” he mutters and Paul sighs.

They have been over that argument so many times, that Paul can almost go through the whole discussion by heart.

Harry will complain that he’s all alone in the world, that everyone he loves hates him. Then he’ll proclaim that he deserves it because everything on this planet is somehow his fault – from the 1D split to global warming, Harry can relate everything back to him – and then he’ll dive in a lengthy explanation of all his wrong decisions and motives that led him to where he is. If Paul is lucky, he’ll stop here for a bit to cry and catch a breath and Paul can for the hundredths time tell him that not everyone hates him and that he can still right some of his wrongs before round two begins.

This will start with a play-by-play account of how Harry met Louis in L.A., what Louis said and how much that hurt Harry. But Harry deserves it all (there is quite some repetition in his little speech). He deserves to get his heart broken and trampled upon, deserves to never be happy again and die alone and miserable. Because Louis doesn’t love him anymore and it’s all his fault.

And while Paul loves Harry very much, he would sometimes like to take his head and bang it against the wall until the younger boy sees some reason.

It’s a little shocking that Harry and Louis had been together for almost four years and Harry still isn’t able to tell when Louis is bluffing.

Someone who doesn’t care anymore doesn’t deliver that kind of speech. If Paul could only convince Harry to pick himself up off the floor, shower and maybe dress a little nicely he would drive him to Louis door and tie him to the handle until both saw the light and apologized.

It’s all nice and heartwarming that Louis has a new boyfriend and shit, but Paul is willing to bet his last years salary that all it’d take was some earnest effort on Harry’s part to win Louis over.

That’s if Harry manages to not act like a kicked puppy all the time. It sounds harsh, but Paul has dealt with him the last four weeks and now’s the point where enough is enough.

If he isn’t able to get Harry back on track, maybe his sister or mother are. So he still gives him some reprieve before he’ll call them.

“So what are we doing tonight?” Paul asks cheery and Harry sinks onto the bed.

“Movies and wine.”

“Ah,” Paul sighs. “Same old shit but a different day.”

Harry just glares at him.

 ~

Paul puts up with his brooding for three more days before he kicks him out of the hotel room.

It’s a nice enough day even though Harry has no mind for sun and summer and all this shit. For all he cares the world might as well end in a snowstorm tonight.

No such luck though by the looks of it, so he is forced to wander around a little aimlessly, kill some time until Paul deems it long enough to let him back in his room.

Brown curls tugged under a grey beanie, eyes shielded by Ray Bans, Harry strolls through the streets until he’s had enough and decides to grab a coffee and a bite to eat.

He finds a nice looking café and has just received his order, turning back to find a table when someone bumps into him. The cup drenches his black skinny’s on its way down before it breaks rather spectacularly and showers his boots with coffee and broken porcelain.

“Well fuck, this day is getting better and better,” Harry growls.

“I am really—Harry?!”

Harry briefly closes his eyes, thinking if he managed to bump into some crazy fans his day will be complete. The next bridge is his.

Instead of some crazy fans, he comes face to face with a very familiar face and a mop of blond hair. He’s not entirely sure which one is worse.

“Niall,” he whispers, his voice having conveniently left him.

“Wow.” Niall looks him up and down and frowns when he sees his soaked boots. “Well, shit,” he turns around and just talks over the other customers order, requesting a new coffee for Harry.

“It’s okay really!” it’s a rather feeble attempt and Niall doesn’t pay him any mind. Once he’s got the two cups he motions towards some tables in the back and Harry has no choice but to follow him.

“Sorry about the pants – and shoes.” Niall puts both cups down and rolls his eyes when Harry hesitates.

“I’m not going to throw coffee in your face, you know. You can sit.”

“Are you planning on yelling at me?” Harry asks with a small smile, but really, he kind of expects something along those lines.

Niall gives him a probing look and Harry suddenly wishes he’d changed his wrinkled, slept in shirt. He knows he’s not on top of his game and Niall knows him too damn well. He can easily pick up the signs of total exhaustion and the beat down expression Harry tries to hide.

“Nah, I think someone got there before me. S’not fun to kick someone who’s already on the floor.”

“Lovely,” Harry snaps but sits down nevertheless. “So you’ll just tell me I should have known better, it’s all my fault, karma’s a bitch?”

“Well it is your own fault but I doubt you could have known something like that would happen.”

“Something like that?”

Niall cocks his head. “You do know that Josh and I are still friends and we talk,” he wriggles his eyebrows and Harry feels his heart drop.

“So you know everything?”

“Most of it.”

“Fantastic,” Harry sighs and wonders if anyone would stop him should he try to throw himself off of the Tower Bridge. Probably not. People tend to be too busy filming instead of stopping it.

Niall eyes him silently while Harry stares rather intently at this cup.

“Look, for what it’s worth, I’m sorry.”

Harry looks up incredulous. “ _You_ are sorry?”

“Yeah, I mean it must have sucked. It was always your big dream and seeing it turn out like that… well, that’s just shit.”

“Yes, but… why aren’t you happy about it?” Harry blurts and Niall frowns.

“It’s been more than six months, I think it’s safe to say I’m over it.”

“But… I… I went behind your back, I betrayed you and I basically ended our career!” If he ever gets a chance to speak to Zayn or Liam, Harry definitely needs to work on his wording.

“Don’t you think life kicked you in the balls hard enough already? I mean, I’m happy to do it as well, been entertaining myself with thoughts of it for about a months or two but really…”

“I… I don’t understand,” Harry admits. He still remembers the look in Niall’s eyes when they found out and how he turned his back on Harry without so much as sparing him a glance.

“You think I should be mad?”

Harry nods. “You have every right to be furious.”

Niall chews on his lips for a bit, for once thinking about how he should explain it.

“I was. I was really, really mad at you. Like, I never thought it be you, you know? Back then… I hardly knew who you were anymore. Certainly not the guy who started at the XFactor with us, who’d always be our friend and to be honest, I didn’t want to find out about this _new you_ or your motives. What you did was… well it was shit Harry. You could have talked to us, I think we all would have understood and maybe we could have agreed on a break so you could go and do your thing for a while.

Whatever, it doesn’t matter anymore. It happened and that’s that. And yes I was pissed off but that only gets you so far you know? And after a couple of months… well, you’re still not my favorite person in the world at the moment but we used to be close. I considered you one of my best friends for a while and… I guess everyone is allowed to fuck up once. Doesn’t mean other people do it as colossally as you but yeah… I’ve never been good at holding a grudge and if you got your head screwed back on properly then well… I’d be okay with a fresh start.”

Harry stares at Niall, blinks and burst into tears.

“Oh wow.” Niall looks shocked and Harry can’t help but laugh at his expression, also he’s still crying and it’s all a little too much so he buries his head in his arms.

“Can I just grab one or two of those…” he hears Niall mutter and then a chair is dragged across the floor and a tentative arm wrapped around his shoulders.

“Hey, Harry,” Niall mutters and shoves a napkin at him.

It takes another minute until Harry has calmed down enough to take it and he’s glad that there aren’t many people around, it’s embarrassing enough as it is. “I’m a mess,” he admits and blows his nose.

“Weren’t we all at times,” Niall shrugs. “So what do you say? Clean slate?”

“Just…” Harry takes a deep breath and rubs at his eyes. “I am really sorry for being a gigantic dick. I don’t know what possessed me but… you’d have every right to kick me where the sun doesn’t shine. It was without a doubt the worst decision of my life and if I could turn back time… I’m an ass and I probably don’t deserve your forgiveness but… oh fuck, Niall, I missed you,” he can feel new tears brimming in his eyes and even Niall looks rather emotional.

“Ah, come here you sap,” he lungs forward and hugs Harry too tight, cutting off his air supply but he doesn’t mind. _It’s Niall_. It’s Niall and he’s talking to him, he’s hugging him and maybe life isn’t quite over yet.

“So… umh, bring me up to date? I heard you’re a serious business man now” Harry says a little sheepishly and Niall beams.

“Oh yeah, the label…”

Three hours and five coffees later Harry doesn’t just desperately need to pee, he also knows everything about ZAP, from floor plans to the murky printer to Zayn’s favorite smoking spot. Harry could probably navigate the building with his eyes closed.

Niall has told him about all the employees they have, how weird it is to be ‘the boss’ and how cool his new office chair is. The only thing he neglects to mention is Louis. Of course, sometimes he’ll mention his name briefly or something that Louis did, a new band he found, a song he's written, but it’s considerably less than what he tells Harry about Zayn and Liam.

Harry doesn’t know if he should be grateful for it, so he opts for a quick bathroom break before Niall gently forces him to tell him about the cocked up record deal, about the ‘differences’ he had with management and his plans for the future.

And before Harry quite knows how, he’s told Niall all about those miserable months in L.A. when he wanted to just crawl into a dark corner and die.

“But besides everything; you still want to make music?” Niall leans back in his seat.

“Well,” Harry spreads his arms. “Yes. It’s always been my dream and… to be honest, I don’t have a clue what else I should do.”

“Mmh,” Niall taps his lip and Harry remembers that look. Louis had the same one. It usually meant nothing good for the other boys but they still went with whatever those two cooked up because it was fun. Stupid often enough, but still fun.

“Coincidence, innit?”

“What do you mean?”

“You are a singer. An _unsigned_ singer. I own a Label.”

Harry laughs until he realizes Niall is actually serious. “Yeah but no. Have you forgotten that you own only ¼?! Liam and Zayn wouldn’t ever allow this and Louis…” He shakes his head. “It’s really sweet of you to even suggest it but no, Niall. Never in a million years.”

“But what are you going to do? It’s not like you have them lined up, have you?”

"No,” Harry admits. “I don’t know to be honest, I haven’t quite figured it out.”

“Well, have you got some songs to show?”

“A couple,” He shrugs.

“So why don’t you show them to us?”

“Niall, do you hear yourself? Liam will kick my ass seven ways to Sunday and Zayn will gladly run me over with his car.”

“Zayn can’t even drive yet,” Niall remarks and Harry rolls his eyes.

“I’m sure he’ll get his license just for that.”

“Come on, H. What’s there to lose?”

“My dignity? A couple of teeth?”

Niall crosses his arms and says nothing. Harry hates that look. He’ll break sooner or later. Niall is a bleached blond menace.

“They will kill me,” he groans and Niall grins.

“No they won’t. Come by tomorrow, yeah? We’ll talk about it.”

“This isn’t a good idea Niall!”

“That’s what you said about the pizza-burrito with extra cheese!”

“And we couldn’t walk for days. It felt like giving birth to a food baby!”

“It was still delicious,” Niall laughs. “They won’t kill you, I vouch for your safety.”

Niall looks so earnest and so excited and really, what’s Harry got to lose?

“When should I be there?”

~

“This is the worst idea ever,” Harry mutters the next day, standing in front of ZAP records and starting at the huge glass doors.

“Are we going in or shall we admire the architecture a little longer?” Paul asks from behind his right shoulder and Harry groans.

“We should leave,” he decides just before Paul shoves him forward and he barely manages to avoid a full face collision with the door. “What was that for?”

Paul doesn’t say anything but just points towards the door, more precisely to the bouncing figure of Niall. Dressed in white high tops, jeans and a black shirt Niall looks nothing like he’s running a business, more like the intern let lose in the cafeteria.

“Well hello Mr. Styles. Welcome to our humble house,” he says when he yanks the door open, “You’re late.”

“I – sorry,” Harry stutters and Niall shrugs, hugging him again before he bounces towards Paul, babbling so fast that Harry doesn’t understand a word.

Only when he’s gently pushed forward, Niall’s fingers wrapped around his arm and dragged along the corridor does he realize it’s happening.

Niall is chattering away, pointing to various doors along the way and for all Harry knows he’s talking Spanish because he doesn’t get any of it.

He leads them to the end of the corridor and holds out his hand.

“Wait here!” is all he says and then he’s gone.

“Niall” Harry draws in a breath when he hears Zayn’s bored voice. “I have been sitting here for fifteen minutes now. What’s the big surprise that couldn’t wait?”

“Yeah, I got stuff to do,” that's Liam's voice.

Oh God. Zayn and Liam are in there. Harry’s palms are sweaty and he tries to remember where they came from, if he’d find the way out of here if he bolted right now.

“Stop whining, you morons. And be nice, okay?”

“What? Niall what’s going on—“ Liam never gets his answer, but Niall pops his head out, grins at Harry and yanks him into the room.

“Tada!”

The expression on Liam’s and Zayn’s face is rather outstanding but then again Harry probably doesn’t look any better. He lowers his gaze quickly, nervously fiddling with the hem of his shirt. The only thing that keeps him from running his Niall’s hand on his shoulder.

“Niall” Liam sounds angrier than Harry ever heard him.

“That’s a joke, right? I’m seeing things?” from the corner of his eye he sees Zayn push his chair back.

“Umh, lovely office you got here,” Harry offers.

“Well thank you Mr. Styles, I hope it is up to your high standards. Now if you’d kindly fuck off?”

“Zayn!”

“It’s alright, Niall,” Harry gently shakes off his hand and finally dares to look at Zayn and Liam. Kind of wish he didn’t, because their expression is quite murderous. “I won’t bother you any longer,” he turns to leave but Niall doesn’t let go.

“No, now hang on a second.” He points at Zayn and Liam “What is the matter with you two?!”

“What is—have you forgotten what he did?”

“No. Have you forgotten that’s it’s been more than six months?” Niall shoots back.

“Oh, so six month is the official time to forget that your former best mate betrayed you and single handedly ruined a career you spend a lifetime building? Well thanks, Niall, I didn’t know!” Liam snaps and Harry holds up his hand.

“Guys, don’t fight, okay? I’m on my way out, sorry!”

“You can shove that sorry up your arse, Styles!” Zayn remarks sweetly and Harry flinches but doesn’t say anything.

Niall still hasn’t let go of him and Harry desperately wishes he would. He doesn’t want to hurt him but he really needs to leave now before they see him break down.

“Wow,” Niall says and points at Liam and Zayn. “You two can be such superior wankers.”

“Excuse me?”

“Something wrong with your ears, Zayn? I said you and Liam act like some fucking superior wankers. Maybe you should pull your head out of your arse and think before you talk.”

“Now that’s rich coming from you.”

“Just stop, okay!” Harry shouts at them, “I get it. I’m gone. It was a lovely but stupid idea and…” Harry chokes a little on his words.

“Harry, no wait please,” Niall turns fully towards him and Harry struggles a little harder to break free. He can feel his composure slipping, feels the cracks appear and it’s too much. It was all a nice and lovely idea, too good to be true and he should have known things don’t turn out like this. At least not for him anymore.

“Please Niall.” He’s aware how embarrassingly broken he sounds, feebly fighting in Niall’s hold.

“Hey, hey, hey. Calm down,” Niall hugs him and Harry nearly buckles.

“Ah fuck,” he vaguely feels Liam coming closer, shoving a chair under his backside. “Sit down before you faint.”

Harry does but quickly draws his knees up to hide his red eyes and blotchy face. He shouldn’t have come here, he’s not strong enough to face them.

“Okay,” Zayn says, sounding restraint. “What’s this then? Care to explain?”

“If you stop acting like a fuckwit,” Niall says with a fake grin.

“I’ll try my very best,” Zayn shoots back. “So?”

“It’s kinda simple, innit?” Niall shrugs. “Harry is a singer. We are a Label,” he looks at Zayn and Liam’s blank expressions.  “Really? Do I need to spell it out for you?”

“I’m afraid you do,” Liam says.

“Harry is unsigned. He’s good, we all know he is. Don’t lie! And we _are_ a label. We are looking for new artists…” Niall glances from Zayn to Liam. “Boys, it’s not astrophysics, please! We should sign him, work with him.”

“Work with—“ Zayn looks at Harry’s crouched form. “Are you nuts?”

“Niall, Louis would—“ Liam bites his lips.

“Could we leave Louis out of this for a second?”

“Hardly,” Zayn frowns.

“Look Zayn, I know you’ve gone all protective over Louis—“

“Well, you have seen what he did! You were there Niall! You were with me that day. Remember?”

“I do. And maybe you don’t see it but Louis is better now. He’s stronger,” Niall chides softly. “He isn’t broken anymore.”

Zayn snorts and shakes his head. “You don’t know half of it.”

“Maybe I don’t but maybe you’re too close to be objective.”

“Why would I want to be objective? Okay, let’s leave Louis out of this for a second; He still fucked us over. He ruined everything we worked for. And now we should help him? Because someone burst his fairy pop bubble?” Zayn leans back and crosses his arms. “Sorry, but that’s not how this works.”

“How about helping a friend?” Niall asks softly.

“I don’t see any friend here, Niall,” Zayn says coldly.

Niall turns to protest but Harry stops him with a gentle gesture. “It’s okay,” he looks at the other two boys, knowing his eyes are red and he looks like a train wreck. “I get it and you’re right. Everything you say is true and I never wished more for anything to be different. But someone once told me it doesn’t matter what I _wish_ for because it doesn’t _change_ anything. So please just know I deeply regret what I did and it was wrong and selfish and arrogant and you have every right to hate me. Trust me, I hate myself for doing this to you. For doing this to Louis. And I deserve what I got.” He gets up on shaky legs and spreads his arms. “I risked it all and I lost and not a second goes by without me wishing it was different. But I can’t change it, I can’t make it undone, so please just know I’m sorry, okay? Good luck with everything Boys,” he takes one last look at Liam and Zayn and drags his feet to the door.

He’s shaking slightly but determined to make it back to the car.

“Harry, wait.”

Shaking his head, he ignores Liam’s call and keeps walking.

“Harry! Oh for God’s sake, stop!” Liam runs up to him and grabs his arm, turning him around.

“Can’t you just let me go?” Harry asks with a shaky voice. “I know you have a lot to say to me and I deserve every insult you spit my way, but please Liam, for the love of God not now,” his voice is shaking and he feels his cheeks getting wet. Liam looks stunned, completely shocked and Harry frees his arm, turning around.

He makes it two steps before he’s pulled back in a hug and freezes.

“Just shut up for a minute, will you?” Liam mutters in his back and hugs him tighter.

It’s a little more than Harry can take and he drops to the floor with a sob – would have dropped, but Liam’s got a firm hold on him. Wordless he turns Harry around and escorts him back to the meeting room.

Zayn and Niall are both standing there, looking like they were cut off mid-argument but when Liam walks in with the crying mess formerly known as Harry Styles, even Zayn softens.

“Aw shit,” he comes round again and pulls out a chair much gentler, kneeling in front of Harry while Liam sticks close by, his hand still resting on his shoulder.

It’s nice, so nice to be around them again that Harry only cries harder.

“Harry, hey,” Zayn ruffles through his pockets for a tissue. “Calm down, okay? It’s alright.”

“Is it? It feels like everything has gone to shits,” Harry sobs and Liam smiles weakly.

“Yeah well, not everything apparently,” he squeeze his shoulder. “Listen, Zayn and I are sorry, okay? We did act like wankers and we shouldn’t have talked to you like that. It wasn’t okay.”

“You still meant it,” Harry shrugs and wipes his nose on his sleeve.

“Guess we overshot a Little,” Zayn admits. “You’re still not my favorite person at the moment but… well, I guess it’s quite obvious that you are sorry so… umh… I think that’s a start, right?”

“A start?”

Zayn shrugs and looks at Liam. “We should talk, right? Like sit down and have a proper chat instead of giving each other the cold shoulder? We used to be friends and…”

“Second chances and all that,” Zayn says. “Gotta thank Niall for that really. Never knew he could give such inspirational speeches.”

“Hidden talents.” Niall grins. “So what do you say? Let’s call it quits for the day and take it back to mine?”

“It’s just past noon,” Harry says and all three boys shrug.

“We’re the boss. We can leave whenever we want.” Niall laughs and eventually Liam and Zayn nod. “You can ride with me, Harry. Let’s tell Paul we didn’t eat you alive and that he can go and enjoy some free time with his family, alright?”

“Oh, Paul is here?” Liam peeks up and they don’t quite make it out of the office yet, all three boys too happy to see Paul so they stop and chat for a while but after a finale confirming glance and nod from Harry, Paul agrees to take the rest of the day off and Harry tags along with Niall.

~

It isn’t the most pleasant conversation they have, and all of them are close to tears at one point or the other but they carry on. Whenever one of them loses the courage another will take up where they left it and by nightfall they are all exhausted and emotionally worn but they talked it through. Everything except Louis.

Harry hasn’t asked where the blue eyed boy is and the others haven’t offered any kind of explanation so it comes as a bit of a shock when Zayn’s phone suddenly starts ringing and Louis face flashes across the display.

Zayn shoots Harry a look, having clearly seen how the other boy flinched but he answers it with the appertain coolness to him.   “Vas’up?”

There’s a loud squeal and Zayn pulls a face, holding the phone a little further away. “Are you drunk?”

Louis mutter something before Zayn looks around and says. “I am… umh… at Niall’s. With Liam and… ahm… friends…?!” Louis chatter interrupts Zayn’s mumbling and he sighs. “Okay, I put you on speaker.”

Shooting Harry a warning glance, Zayn presses a button and places the phone on the table. “You can talk now,” Zayn mutters.

“HELLO BOYS!” Harry thinks his heart may have stopped. It’s so long since he heard Louis voice, even longer than he heard Louis sound happy and it… it’s so bittersweet, the way he wants to listen to him talk forever but at the same time hearing his voice tears him apart.

“We can hear you alright, Lou, no need for the neighbors to listen in as well,” Liam chides softly.

“Aw, spoilsport. Having a little get-together without me, are you? Already plotting against me?”

“Yep, you’re horrible, we really have to get rid of you,” Liam says with a fond grin.

“Well in that case I might just never come back, clear the bank account and live life fast and fearless.”

“In France?” Zayn deadpans. “How romantic.”

“Yeah, how’s that going? How’s the little trip?” asks Liam innocently.

“Not bad,” there’s some noise and Louis seems to ruffle around in something. “Nice. Sunny. South of France, you know. French.”

“What a surprise,” Zayn rolls his eyes.

“I can totally see you pull a face, Zaynie,” Louis laughs. “No, it’s nice. Relaxing. Lots of time on the beach so I got a proper tan. Food’s good and well…” he lowers his voice conspiratorially. “Want me to tell you about all the great sex I’m having now or rather when I’m back? Don’t mind doing it twice you know.”

Harry chokes on thin air and is out of his chair faster than his legs can cooperate, knocking Liam’s bottle over on his way out.

“What’s that?” Louis asks and Liam looks after Harry’s retreating figure.

“Nothing,” Niall sounds beaten down but gets up. “Have fun, Lou, okay? I need to umh… well, talk to you later!”

Liam gives him a questioning look, Niall shaking his head.

***

“Huh…” Louis hangs up the phone and stares at it for a while.

“Everything okay back home?”

“Yes… I think so. Kind of a weird call,” he shrugs. “The boys say hi,” he tells Aiden, who’s lounging on their soft, fluffy bed, dressed in nothing but tight blue briefs.

Louis himself isn’t wearing much more and when he gets up, he gives to mirror a grin, liking the way his tanned skin looks in contrast to the dark boxers he’s wearing.

“Have you told them?” Aiden rolls over to the side to make room for Louis.

“No, not yet. I’ll tell Zayn first and then Liam and Ni once I’m back at work.”

“Mmh,” Louis runs his hand through Aiden’s blond hair, leaning down to shut him up with a kiss.

Before their little romantic getaway to France, Louis finally signed the contract to buy his new apartment. It’s rather close to where Niall lives, a lovely four bedroom flat, spacious and light. And it’s solely Louis’.

He’s had the idea for a while, always knowing that living with Zayn wasn’t a permanent solution. Moving back into the house without Harry was out of the question so getting his own place was really the most obvious option.

Aiden had been ecstatic when Louis told him about his plans and he had to wrangle the phone from his hands to stop him from calling the real estate agents right then and there. He doesn’t quite get why it’s such a big thing for _Aiden_ but… if he’s happy about it, Louis isn’t going to look into it too deeply.

Especially not since Aiden had a proper freak-out about his latest tattoo. Of course he knew that Harry wrote this song and Louis has been kind of lucky really that Aiden didn’t figure out whose handwriting the lines were in. And had he known that Harry not only wrote this song, but wrote this song _for Louis_ …

Appeasing Aiden had become a mission for Louis during the last weeks and the best he could think of was whisking him away to an impromptu beach holiday, just the two of them. Sulky, Aiden had agreed but he only managed to be in a strop for so long once they reached the little, secluded hotel Louis had booked.

Three days later and Aiden was back to his happy, cheery self, putty in Louis hands and it’s… nice. Everything with Aiden is nice and easy and it’s only so often that Louis wants to run and scream and have someone who doesn’t treat him like a precious, delicate flower but roughs him up a little.

But it’s oaky. It’s fine and when Louis looks at Aiden, sees the adoration in his eyes, he thinks that he could be happy. Eventually, he could be happy with Aiden.

***

“Mind coming out of that room, please?” Niall taps his knuckles against the door gently.

“Just… a second,” comes the shaky answer from the other side and Niall sighs.

“At least open the door.”

“I’d rather not.”

“I really don’t care, Harold.”

“That’s not my Name.”

“Sure. We can play this game the whole night but it’s much more fun face to face, you know.”

Nothing happens for a while, then Niall hears footstep and eventually the lock clicks open, revealing a teary eyed Harry.

It sometimes ambushes Niall that Harry is still the youngest of them, no matter how he dresses and acts, there are times – like these – when Harry is really just a 21 year old boy. Scared and insecure like any other boy that age, and no matter how famous or rich he is or was; nothing prevented him from heartbreak like any other ordinary person out there.

It’s scary but strangely grounding to know that fame can’t change everything, there they are not so different from other blokes their age. Which of course, doesn’t help Harry much right now.

“So… want to talk about it?”

"Didn’t we talk enough already?”

“Don’t go all snarky on my, young man,” Niall chides and walks Harry back to the bed in the guestroom he chose to take refuge in.

Harry sighs and closes his eyes, angling his head back. “I’m tired Niall. I am so, so tired of feeling like this.”

“Like what?”

“Like shit. Like everything I touch turns to dust.”

“That’s… umh… that sounds really fucked up.” Harry barks a laugh which comes out a little choked. “It is. Fucked up I mean. Everything.”

“No offense, bro.” Niall tugs his legs under. “But you sound like a depressed ex-rockstar. How are the three ex-wives and five kids you never see? Shall I put some Nora Jones on so we can cry together over this cruel and empty world?”

Harry blinks at him and Niall grins when he sees the corner of his mouth lift even so Harry tries to suppress it.

“Wanker.”

“Tit.” Niall retorts. “Now, are we going to talk properly about what’s bugging you? Or who?”

“Not hard to guess, huh?”

“Nah no really, so… well… no offense, but…” Niall sighs. “I don’t get it. _You_ broke up with Louis. I mean, he never really told any of us what happened that night, I think Zayn knows parts of it. But he never talked about it, only that… well, you broke it off because you didn’t love him.”

For a moment, Harry isn’t sure whether he should be grateful or curse Louis. It’s kind of nice that he never told Niall or Liam any of the horrible things Harry said that day, but it’s worse now that he has to repeat them when Niall just started talking to him again.

About to start, there’s a knock on the door and Liam’s head peeks inside. “Hi, I didn’t want to disturb you, just came to see… well, are you alright?”

Harry shrugs. “Yes. No. Don’t know,” he says with a lopsided smile.

“Alright,” Liam says, slightly confused but he’s too polite to push further.

“Want to come in?” Harry asks. “Zayn is probably lingering around there as well and if we talk about it… well, I can just tell all of you, right? After all, you work with Louis and if you’re actually crazy enough to even consider signing me then… I guess I owe you the whole story anyway.”

“You don’t have to,” Zayn surprises him by saying, while kicking the door wide open and taking a seat on the foot of the bed.

“I kinda want to. Explain myself. Why I have been such a shit.”

“Okay.” Liam sits down as well, tone far more cautious.

Harry takes a deep breath. “I don’t know if you know but… well, since kind of the beginning management has been hassling me with plans for a solo career. I didn’t think much of it, when it came up I always told them I wasn’t interested and that we were a package deal.”

“They did that with me as well,” Liam confess quietly and Niall and Zayn gape at him. “Only for the first two years really, before their attention… well shifted.” He nods towards Harry, “But yes, it came up a couple of times. I didn’t tell you because… well, I never seriously considered taking them up on their offer. Never thought I could really pull it off on my own.” Liam looks at Harry with a sad smile. “Maybe that was part of the reason why I lost it when we found out last year. Because you had the guts to do what I never dared.”

“No, Liam you would have never…”

“Are you sure?” Liam shakes his head. “I know how they can be, okay? How alluring, how great they make it sound…”

“Mmh, we all understand the pull, H. Standing up there all by yourself? Signing the songs _you_ wrote, getting credit for all the hard work? For _your_ hard work? Not having to share anything? We all dreamt of that,” Zayn admits.

They stare each other, Harry not quite believing that the boys could actually understand some of his reasons and Zayn and Niall are still struggling a little with Liam’s revelation.

"Why the fuck have they never offered me a solo career? I was the only one who actually knew how to play an instrument!”

“Catering for you would have been too expensive, babe,” Zayn says with a serious expression and once a laugh escapes Niall, they all chuckle.

“Oi, we got catering during our tours…”

“Mmh, but we all vetoed those ridiculous requests you had…” reminds him Liam.

“So you all ganged up on me?”

“Of course,” Liam nods like it’s the most natural thing.

“Aw Nialler,” Harry ruffles his hair and Niall tries to bite his fingers. “Yeah, yeah whatever. Some friends you lot are! And you,” he stabs his finger at Harry’s chest. “Keep talking, we’re not done!” Harry sighs but nods, releasing Niall from his hold.

“Like I said, they kept asking, suggesting. It was only after the TMH tour, and with all the success in America we had… it wasn’t just management anymore but also people I met while we were over there. They had like proper offers and plans and…” Harry wrings his fingers. “I really don’t know when or why I started listening. I wasn’t unhappy with the way things were going, it wasn’t like I didn’t like working with you but… God, they all kept telling me how great I was, how special. That I could be big, the next Michael Jackson or Justin Timberlake.”

“You can’t dance for shit, mate, sorry,” interjects Zayn.

“I know,” Harry huffs. “I know, and I kept thinking they were taking the piss but then I got some offers for fricking movies and… at some point I thought ‘what’s the harm in looking into it’, you know, like what’s wrong with taking a peek. Only it doesn’t work like that… as soon as you show interest, well that’s it.

And I don’t know what I was thinking, but they kept talking _and talking and talking_ and I found myself listening, believing them at one point. I knew better but… it’s like they brainwash you. Dangling all you ever dreamed of right in front of your face and I should have listened, really _listened_ to what they said, should have used my head but I didn’t. I let them lure me in, let myself be talked into acting and being someone I wasn’t, I never wanted to be…”

“What did they try to make you believe?” Niall almost whispers and Harry snorts a laugh.

“The usual I guess. ‘You could go far, you got the looks and the voice, look at all the media attention you generated, people love you…’ But like, they didn’t stop there. They kept saying that I was so young, that I literally had the world at my feet and just needed to bend down and take it.”

“You had though,” Zayn shrugs. “We had the world at our feet.”

“But they never told you, you had to be single to take it, did they?”

Harry can feel three pairs of eyes staring at him suddenly.

“They what?” asks Liam in a cold voice.

“They… they said I could have everything. If I was single. If I was single and not gay.”

“Oh Harry, no…”

He pulls his legs up and buries his face on his propped up knees. “Yes, Li. I was so young when we met… we were both so young… and… who finds their soul mate at the age of sixteen?” he looks up at them. “I don’t know anyone, Liam. And I guess… I know I said ‘forever’ and I meant it, well, I wished for it really.”

“So you didn’t really mean it?” Zayn cocks his head, trying to keep his expression neutral.

“No!” Harry shakes his head, curls flying. “I did, I really meant it at that time but… God, how do I explain this? There’s no guarantee, you know? And it’s not like I never thought that Louis might eventually… get bored,” Harry shrugs. “Find someone who doesn’t pester him about coming out, doesn’t nag him about holding his hand and who isn’t as clingy and needy,” he confesses and Niall gulps.

“ _You_ were afraid Louis would get sick of you?”

“It’s not that farfetched! We both hadn’t really been with anyone else and… why are you laughing?”

Liam waves his hands but keeps hiccing up giggles. “That is the biggest load of bullshit I have ever heard! Louis adores the ground you walk on. He’d rather stab himself in the eye than let you go.”

“You think? Gosh Liam, neither of you know about half the fights we had. All those endless discussions about coming out, not coming out. About me being set up with different girls for PR, him having to keep ‘dating’ Eleanor.

It’s… tiring. When you have to watch every step, think twice about every move you make. When you can’t even sit together anymore, can’t look at each other anymore. We spent so much time apart by the end of 2013 and 2014 because management wouldn’t let us even be in the same city together. Louis had to sneak into LA in the middle of the night like a criminal. We couldn’t go out for fear of somebody seeing us, knowing that we were together… it… it really put a strain on things. Which is mostly my fault probably because I kept pushing him, asking him to do things, asking so much of him just to prove that he still loves me. But I was… angry. Angry at everyone and everything. I can hug Ben or Nick in public and no one bats an eyelash but heaven forbid I _stand_ next to Louis!

It wore me out and… once you let those thoughts into your head it’s really hard to get rid of them. Especially when you aren’t even allowed to spend time together, when you can’t talk it through. It gets worse and worse and worse up until the point where… well, where they stared to make more sense than the boy in my bed.”

“Why didn’t you say something? Why didn’t you talk to us? We would have helped you, you know?”

“I do, Zayn, I knew. But at some point… I guess I didn’t want any help anymore. I just wanted it to be alright for once. To be okay, to be able to have a freaking proper, normal relationship like everybody else.”

“So they told you that with a girl…?”

“It’d all be easier.” Harry shrugs. “Pathetic but I fell for it. They somehow managed to figure out my deepest fear and insecurity, namely that Louis and I had been too young, that he’d eventually grow tired of me and would leave me and turned it around. Saying I was too young to have known what – _who_ – I wanted. That getting with Louis at sixteen never gave me any chance to explore my sexuality and that they couldn’t believe a twenty year old international superstar was content with sitting at home, playing house with a bloke he barely got to see. That maybe I wasn’t even gay, because surely so many girls swooned over me and ‘just imagine how much more appealing you’d be to the masses if you were available’,” Harry cradles his face in his hands again.

“So I went and told Louis I was too young. We got together too quickly, that he never gave me room to grow into myself. That he suffocated me. That I need to figure out things on my own and that I could go far – without him. Because I wasn’t gay and he was too gay.” Harry’s voice drops and it’s barely a whisper when he says, “I told him I wasn’t in love with him anymore, hadn’t been for quite a while. I said I didn’t love him.”

At first no one moves but then a warm hand wraps around Harry’s clasped hands, pulling them away from his face.

“You do though, don’t you?” Zayn asks.

“Yes.” It comes out as a hoarse whisper. “Always have. Always will. Took a little while to figure it out. To get my head straight again, to find out that I am still me, you know? Not that pop star they’d like me to be but… I had quite a bit of time to think and… I liked who I was before.”

“We liked that someone quite a bit as well,” Liam says with a small smile.

“So you got it in your head that Hollywood is dead? Figured out that you had been tricked and played?”

“It was rather obvious to anyone but my arrogant little self,” Harry admits.

“Happens to the best, Harry,” Niall shrugs. “At least you figured it out in time.”

“You think?” He gives a dry laugh. “As far as I know I made quite a job of ruining every relationship I had. With you. With my mum. With Louis.”

“We’re here,” Zayn says quietly. “Aren’t we? We’re still here and… we’ll stay. If you want us.”

“After everything?”

“ _Because_ of everything,” Liam scoots a little closer. “It’s not often that people can admit their mistakes like that and have the guts to ask for forgiveness. And honestly; don’t know what I’d have done had they offered me the same. So perhaps we have to get off our high horse as well. Meet in the middle.”

“There’s always room for common ground,” Zayn hums and Niall hits him.

“Oh shut up, Malik!”

When Liam reaches out and hugs Harry, he feels a weight lift of his chest he didn’t even know had been there.

They are far from being how they used to be, far from perfect but… when Harry inhales the familiar scent of Liam, feels Niall’s hand comb through his curls and meets Zayn’s soft brown eyes over Liam’s shoulder, he thinks there's a real chance of getting there again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Once again, thank you all for reading, soooo happy about all the feedback I got :) 
> 
>  
> 
> So this one goes out to four amazing ladies, who I kinda lured into reading this without telling them who wrote it (if that makes sense):
> 
> Dutchie, Lake, Boo and Mary
> 
> All your comments about fics really helped me develop this idea and I guess I wouldn't have taken the leap and posted this, if it weren't for you. It's always nice to know that there are people out there who, if they don't like a story, can just say so without tearing it apart (not that any of you did ;) but actually give constructive criticism.  
> I thought about telling you before I posted this but I didn't want you to feel obliged to like it because of me. (Don't be mad please!)
> 
> So... a great big thank you to all of you! 
> 
> Love, J. xx


	8. Still I’d trade all my tomorrows for just one yesterday (I want to teach you a lesson in the worst kind of way)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A massive, massive 'thank you' to Dutchie, who kindly agreed to beta all future chapters from now on!

_London, July 2015_

Louis had all the best intentions. He wanted to sit down with Zayn, drink a bottle of wine and tell him all about his new flat, thank him excessively for everything he had done and offer him a lifelong sponsorship of hair products.

Only problem was that whoever served them on their last breakfast in France seemed to have put something in Aiden’s tea that turned him into an annoying, clingy shit.

So Louis doesn’t end back at Zayn’s, he doesn’t get to buy a bottle of wine and he doesn’t get to talk to Zayn. Instead, he goes back to Aiden’s to appease his niggling boyfriend who he just spent ten days with – _ten days alone, 24/7_ – which is apparently not enough in the grand scheme of things. Louis is mildly pissed off but tries to stay calm, knowing arguing will get him nowhere except to a full blown fight over nothing.

They’ve been there often enough after the party in L.A. It doesn’t help that Louis still flat out refuses to talk about it and it irks him to no end that Aiden has started to slyly ask Luke and the rest of 5sos about him and Harry. He might even have tried his luck with Niall but Louis isn’t sure about that yet. Still, he’s been paranoid enough to change the password on his phone, iPad and laptop. Not that there are any recent texts or mails from Harry but there are still the old ones, photos and videos he never gotten round to delete. And never will probably.

But this is….still too personal. Too close to his heart and for some odd reason Harry is his. Too important and private to talk about with anyone except with the people who know Harry, who knew them both. And it doesn’t take a mastermind to figure out that Aiden won’t be the most supportive about his past relationship with the curly haired cherub. He’s dropped enough comments and hints over the past week, and it takes Louis more and more conscious effort to not snap at him but keep quiet.

It’s just telling that Harry manages once again to interfere with his life and relationships even though he isn’t even around anymore.

Thus, Louis isn’t in the best mood when he arrives at work (late, because Aiden insisted on having breakfast and driving together). Niall has left him a colorful sticky note, saying all three of them are waiting for him in the big conference room. That was 45 minutes ago.

Softly cursing under his breath he grabs his tea and makes his way along the corridor. Aiden calls out to him but he shakes him off with a brief glance and a muttered ‘later’, yanking the door open without knocking.

“Lads!” he shouts, interrupting the chatter on the other end of the room, three chairs simultaneously swinging towards him. “I know you missed me terribly but before you tell me how dull and lifeless your days have been without me, I want to share some exciting news with you.”

Niall grins. “What, are you pregnant?”

“Do we need to talk about the birds and the bees once again, Nialler?” Louis cocks his head but smiles back. It’s so good to be home.

“I don’t mean to be rude, Lou, but we kinda really need to talk to you and you’re a bit late so…” Liam glances at his watch and exchanges a worried look with Zayn.

“I’m sure it can wait a minute.” Louis hops onto the table, ignoring Zayn’s protests.

“I,” he makes a pause for effect. “Have bought a flat.”

“What?” Niall blinks.

“I bought a flat,” Louis shrugs. “It’s rather close to yours, mate.”

“When? I mean… what? Why?” Zayn shakes his head.

“No offense, babe, I love you and Pez but honestly – I can’t sleep in your spare bedroom forever. I’m really, really grateful for all you’ve done but I think it’s about time I get back on my own two feet, you know? Start taking care of myself and shit,” he looks at Zayn. “Are you mad?”

“Mad? No. I mean, it’s been nice living with you. Quite surprisingly,” Zayn grins. “But if you think you’re ready and if you want to do this, I’m the last person to give you shit for it, Lou. It just comes a little out of the blue that’s all. Don’t think you mentioned it before but… I think it’s a good idea. If that’s something you want to do, by all means, go for it.”

Louis beams. “Do you want to see it? I have some pictures and the layout is in my office.”

“Actually, we really need to talk to you about something else first,” Liam says at the same time as Niall asks: “And what about your house?”

“Don’t fret, baby,” Louis winks at Liam before he turns back to Niall. “The house? Well, I don’t need it really, do I? Harry buggered off to L.A. and I have no intention to ever set a foot back into it. So I guess selling it would be the best option, right?”

Something falls to the floor with a loud clank and the noise of papers fluttering through the air fills the room before someone gasps rather loudly.

Louis is still looking at Niall but sees Liam’s eyes widen and Zayn’s mouth press into a tight line. He turns around slowly, a part of him having made the connection the very second he heard that noise while his brain is still in denial.

Harry stands in a mess of papers, hands slack by his sides. He must have dropped everything he was carrying when he saw Louis, eyes green and unnaturally bright.

Louis doesn’t say anything, in fact, he’s pretty sure he hasn’t breathed since his eyes landed on Harry.

“ _That’s_ what we wanted to talk to you about,” Liam sounds resigned.

“Talk now,” Louis commands without looking back at the other three guys. His eyes are still fixed on Harry, who’s just staring back, his breathing having gotten a little shallow and fast.

There’re some murmurs behind him, some shuffling until Niall just blurts, “Oh for fuck’s sake. I bumped into Harry two weeks ago while you were in France. We got talking, we discussed what happened and we decided to sign him.”

Louis blinks. “Come again, please.”

“Lou, please,” Zayn’s voice is soft like he’s trying to soothe a wild animal and maybe Louis gives him that kind of vibe. He’s certainly starting to feel trapped.

Ignoring Zayn he asks again. “Would you please repeat what you said, Niall? Because to me it sounded like you said you ‘ _signed_ ’ him and up until now, I was under the impression that we discussed such things and if the decision wasn’t unanimous, we wouldn’t sign an artist. Now what on earth gave you the impression I would sign someone like him?”

Harry flinches and lowers his gaze to the ground. Now that Louis is no longer trapped by his eyes, he can finally turn away.

“You didn’t. Sign anything that is,” Liam pushes over a contract which Louis eyes with obvious detest. “But we were hoping you would.”

“Fat chance.” He glances down at the contract once more, seeing Harry’s name printed in capital letters.

“Mate, come on can we just talk about it please?!” Zayn gets up but Louis shakes his head.

“No. Okay? My answer is _no_ and _nothing_ you’ll say is going to change this.”

“At least listen to us for Christ’s sake,” Niall urges. “Can you do that? Listen? Stop being a twat?”

“Me?” Louis huffs out a laugh. “I am not the one that went behind your back and drew up a contract you bloody well knew I wouldn’t agree to.”

“You are aware that we don’t need your okay to do this? 75% is enough and all three of us signed,” Niall glares at him.

Louis can feel Zayn tense, sees Liam’s eyes widen.

He gets up slowly.

“I see how it is,” looking at Zayn and Liam he shakes his head. “Wow. Major deja-vu,” he points at each one of the three before he turns around to Harry. “Congratulations, Harry. It seems you once again wormed your way back in. I hope you’re really fucking happy about it.”

“Louis, please,” Harry’s voice quivers. “I didn’t mean to—“

“Spare me your petty lies, Styles,” Louis snaps before he briskly walks out, slamming the door on his way.

He doesn’t stop at his office, just walks right out and to his car.

Zayn only sees him pulling out of the parking lot with screaming tires when he runs out of the double glass doors after him.

 

***

 

“What the fuck Niall, was that really necessary?” Zayn storms back in, door slamming once again.

“He was being a fucking twat about it,” Niall says defensively.

“Well, he’s gone now, off to God knows where,” Zayn glares at Niall and Harry shrinks further in his seat.

“You knew how it would look, Ni,” Liam says softly. “Can you really blame him? It looks like we all ganged up upon him, presented him with the facts just like…”

“Like I did,” Harry whispers. “I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be,” Niall growls. “He shouldn’t have blown up like that.”

“We’re talking about Louis here. When have you ever known him to stay cool, calm and collected about things like that?” Zayn grabs his jacket. “Look, I’ll see if I can find him, okay? Talk him into coming back,” he ruffles Harry’s hair absentmindedly on his way out.

“Well, why don’t we try and…” Liam holds up a sheet, trying to figure out the page number. “… get this in some kind of order again. You signed, didn’t you?”

“Yeah… it should be somewhere in here,” Harry gestures to the heap of papers on the table.

Sorting through the papers in quiet, Harry whispers eventually “Do you think he’ll come back and like… be okay about it? Talk to me?”

“Of course,” Niall waves it off but when Harry looks up, Liam doesn’t look to sure.

“Liam?”

“Honestly? I don’t know, Harry. I never thought it’d be possible to hurt Louis like this but… you did,” he shrugs like he can’t think of a nicer way of putting it and perhaps there isn’t really one.

“I know, I just…” a knock on the door interrupts them and when they all glance up, Aiden’s standing in the door.

“I… umh” His eyes flick to Harry. “I have the papers you asked for, Niall? For 5sos?”

“Oh yeah, cool.” Niall gets up. “Thanks man. Hey, have you met Harry?”

“No… not in person,” Aiden is pushed forward by Niall, who manages to ignore the weirdness and tension of the whole situation like a pro.

“We’ve just signed him, so you’ll be seeing him a lot more,” Niall grins and puts his hand on Harry’s shoulder. Aiden’s hand hangs suspended in the air and he looks at Niall.

“You what?”

“We signed him,” Niall grins.

Harry wonders once again how Niall manages to conveniently forget small but important pieces of information: he’s just introducing Louis ex-boyfriend to his current one and doesn’t find anything weird about the whole thing.

Maybe Harry reads too much into it but Aiden’s whole posture and attitude towards him tell him that he really doesn’t. It is as tense and weird as he thought it’d be.

“That certainly explains why Louis nearly smashed the door on his way out,” Aiden glares at Harry and now even Niall seems to figure out that this might have not been the best idea.

“So…” Liam claps his hands, trying to distract Aiden. He does a fantastic job when the first thing that comes to his mind is “Are you excited about Louis new flat?” and sees Harry bite his lip.

“He finally told you?” Aiden grins. “It’s lovely. Four bedrooms, really spacious. He always said mine was a little too small, you know how much stuff he has but yeah, I’m really excited to move in with him.”

“You what?” Harry can’t help but ask.

“Move in.” Aiden smirks. “He hasn’t told you?” he flutters his eyelashes and if that knobhead wasn’t about to steal his boyfriend, Harry would have been able to admit that he was quite pretty.

“No, today was a little hectic,” Liam doesn’t sound convinced.

“Oh well, I hope to see you all at our housewarming party,” he turns to go and looks back over his shoulder on a second thought. “You too Harry. No hard feelings, right? S’ been long enough.”

All Harry can do is wave and hope to keep his features neutral until Aiden is out of the door.

“I hate him,” he mutters quietly and Liam pets his shoulder.

“Yeah well, I think that’s the normal reaction to your boyfriend’s new love affair. Or ex-boyfriend. Ex-boyfriend you’re still pinning for. Or… whatever.”

 

***

 

In the end, it’s Zayn who finds him. Because isn’t that how it goes these days?

In the end, Zayn will look for him, keep looking for him and eventually find him. Even if Louis can’t find himself sometimes.

If that isn’t some deep poetic shit Louis doesn’t know. He should really start carrying some sort of diary around, like the old worn leather thing Harry keeps – kept – carrying anywhere with him.

_Harry_. It all comes back to that curly haired menace.

Louis bites his lips and stares stubbornly at the ground, waiting until Zayn’s made it across the grass and climbed on the bench next to him.

Hiding in a park near Zayn’s house might not have been the best idea, especially since it was Zayn who showed him the little field of green but it’s the best he could come up with, the best place that doesn’t hold an immediate memory of him and Harry.

“On a scale of one to ‘I’ll burn your house down and kill your puppy dog’ – how mad are you?”

“You don’t have a puppy and I’m too scared of Perrie to come near Prada.”

“I’m sure both are happy to hear that,” Zayn says and leans back, fumbling for his pack of cigarettes and a lighter. He holds one out to Louis who takes it without sparing Zayn a glance.

“You know, we didn’t gang up on you. We didn’t go behind your back.”

“Really?” Louis snorts. Because, okay, he didn’t want to talk to Zayn but again his mouth talks faster than his brain can catch up. “Cause that’s what it looks like to me. He’s signed, isn’t he? And as far as I know I wasn’t part of the decision or even involved in the talks.”

“You were in France.”

“France is not on the other side of the moon, Zayn. I thought Niall and Liam were the ones with shite knowledge of geography.”

“Liam wanted to call you,” Zayn admits after a while. “I told him not to so if you want to be mad…”

“Believe me I am,” interjects Louis.

“… be mad at me, okay? I told them not to call you because I wanted you to have some time off, to sort things out with Aiden.”

“You wanted – what? Sort what out?” now he turns to Zayn and glares at him. “What are you talking about? There’s nothing to sort out!”

“Lou.” Louis hates Zayn’s voice, he hates when it goes all soft and warm and gosh, he hates it because it makes it near to impossible to stay mad at Zayn. “We live together. So… I kinda heard the fights you had? On the phone? When Aiden was over? Because of… umh Harry and what happened in L.A.?”

“We didn’t fight because of Harry because I don’t care about Harry anymore,” he says rather lamely.

“Seems Aiden cares about him. About it,” they take a drag simultaneously and while Zayn, that artfully wanker, creates some sort of fancy circle, Louis just blows the smoke out like an angry dragon.

“He saw the tattoo and freaked a little,” Louis admits after a minute.

“Don’t mean to be a smart ass but… you really thought he wouldn’t see it? What was your plan, keep your pants on all the time or stop having sex?”

“I really didn’t think it’d be such a big deal for him. After all, I wasn’t even sure if the lyrics meant anything to him.”

“Even if they didn’t mean anything to him, he was bound to look them up, Lou. Aiden loves you, he wants to know stuff. He’s interested in the things you do, why you do them.”

“And I tell him stuff, Zayn, I do. He was the first I told about the new flat for example…”

“Mmh,” Zayn makes a noncommittal noise. “I know you talk to him Lou. I just… don’t take that the wrong way now, please, okay?”

Louis motions for him to continue.

“You talk to Aiden. About everyday stuff, about easy stuff. But you don’t really talk to him about your feelings, do you? And you’ve never told him about Harry and you, about your break-up or your relationship. So like… he’s bound to start digging and asking question eventually. Especially after what happened in L.A. You would too, Lou.” Louis doesn’t say anything, just stares at the gravel beneath his feet. And I mean, I guess… it’s just Aiden’s way of asking for… more.”

“More?”

“Commitment.” Zayn shrugs. “You’ve been together a while and as far as I know things were good.”

“They were,” agrees Louis. “Up until L.A. Up until Harry stumbled back into my life and everything had to be all complicated again. Now my boyfriend won’t shut up about my ex-boyfriend, about my tattoos, about my clothes, about my house… and I… I don’t want to tell him. It’s personal. He wouldn’t understand half of it Zayn. No one does, no one who hasn’t been there and I mean… it’s sometimes hard for you guys even though you were with us all the way. So how do I explain something like Harry and I to anyone else?” Louis shakes his head and whispers “They wouldn’t understand.”

“And we dragged him right back into your life without asking,” Zayn mumbles.

“A little warning would have been nice,” Louis admits.

“You’d never come back then.”

“Possibly,” they both sigh.

“We didn’t do it to hurt you. Or to bring back the memories or to even… I don’t know, force you to talk or get back together even,” Louis looks at Zayn, really looks at him until he nods.

He gets up and Zayn regards him cautiously.

"Come on then, I feel like a walk and you can tell me what happened while I was lazing in the sun.” Zayn agrees easily, glad that it didn’t take hours to get through to Louis and that he’s at least prepared to talk and listen to him.

So he does tell him about the day Niall met Harry in the café, about their meeting the next day. He tells him how horrible Liam and he had been, how angry both of them were. And he tells Louis about that evening, when they talked it through and Louis called and Harry broke down before their eyes.

Zayn even tells Louis snippets of the conversation they had with Harry, when Harry owned up and confessed why he broke up with Louis. He can see that Louis wants to ask more, wants to know everything that Harry said but Zayn thinks it should be Harry telling Louis those things and not him. After all, it’s still between the two of them.

They talk and walk and when it gets dark, they take it back to Zayn’s and talk some more. Not just about Harry, but also about the label, about Aiden, about Louis new flat. How Louis feels.

And really, he should be talking this stuff through with Aiden. But he can’t. So instead of the man he’s supposedly in love with, he bares his soul a little to the man he _knows_ he loves – as a friend. It’s all a little wrong and mess up but Louis’s tired of trying to change anything at the moment. Tired of trying in general.

So when he tells Zayn he needs tomorrow off, Zayn doesn’t say anything.

And when that day turns into a week, Zayn still doesn’t say anything.

 

Except that when Louis returns to work almost two weeks later, he finds a new folder on his desk.

Lyrics, Louis can figure out that much but it takes him a couple of minutes to find the note in Zayn’s scrawl that says: “ _Your new ‘project’. Meeting with artist @ 3pm today. Work on new single & album, pls. xZx_”

He clicks on his calendar, seeing that Lisa, their assistant already scheduled the meeting:

_@ 3pm: Meeting w/Harry Styles – Studio 3_

What the fuck?!

~

 

“What the fuck, Zayn?” Louis barges into this office, nearly giving Liam a heart attack.

“Hi Tommo,” Zayn should be glad there’s a massive oak wood desk between them otherwise Louis would have leapt and strangled him then and there.

“You have got to be joking,” he slams the file on Zayn’s desk and Liam carefully uncurls, fingers reaching out.

Zayn just cocks his head.

“Is that some twisted psychology you’re trying to use? Get me to face my fear? Talk about my feelings? I thought we agreed that I don’t need that and that _you,_ ” he motions between Liam and Zayn “weren’t going to play matchmaker.”

“Yep,” Zayn agrees easily. “And we’re not.”

“You’re not.”

“Nope.” Zayn shakes his head while Liam finally got his fingers on the file and flipped it open.

“So it’s a mistake that I have a meeting with Harry Styles scheduled for in about ten minutes?”

“Nope.” Zayn shakes his head again and Louis is really contemplating murder.

“Then I repeat: What the actual fuck?”

“Language,” Liam mumbles but Louis ignores him.

“Remember our little talk in the park?” Zayn asks.

Louis nods and gestures for him to continue. “ _You_ claimed to be over it. You said you were a professional and you wouldn’t be fazed by Harry hanging around the office or studio. Because you are over it.”

Louis just stares at Zayn, can’t really do much else. Seriously?

Of course he did claim that, but that doesn’t mean that Zayn should’ve taken his words seriously. Zayn of all the people.

“Louis, you need to move on. Both of you do. And if you can’t be friends or whatever… well, you’ll at least need to be able to work together, okay?”

“No, I do not need to work with him, I never signed his contract.” Zayn rolls his eyes and Louis wonders if this is finally the moment when Zayn’s had enough of his wallowing and miserable self. Instead of asking him, Louis does his best to try and turn him into a Little heap of ashes with just his look. Which obviously doesn't work, although not for a lack of trying on Louis' part.

"Can you please go and be the professional you claim to be?”

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"It's supposed to mean that if you're over Harry and if you're a professional than you should be able to work with him. You've known him for four years, you understand Harry. You just get him. All his ramblings, his big flying gestures, all the stuff he wants  to say but can't - you get that shit. Neither Niall nor Liam nor I do. No one can work - can write with Harry - like you can."

“We tried it,” Liam adds.

“So please Lou. Take a look at his stuff. Sit down with him and _work,_ ” Zayn gives him a stern glance. “I’m not asking you to discuss your relationship, I don’t want you to talk about your break-up or any suppressed feelings you still might have. I don’t want you to fight about the shit he did or about your new boyfriend _I just want you to work together_. Keep it strictly professional. Think you can do it?”

Louis feels a lot like a twelve year old being lectured by mum. “Have you said the same thing to Harry?”

“I did. He’s okay with it.” Zayn throws a pencil at Liam. “Give him the file back, please. Mr. Tomlinson’s got some work to do.”

“I hate you,” Louis tells him firmly when he grips the file before he marches out of the office.

 

He doesn’t hear Zayn’s muttered “love you too, you stubborn idiot” nor does he see Liam’s worried look.

“Think that was a good idea?”

“Best I could come up with,” Zayn shrugs. “They need to learn to be in each other’s company again.”

“Yeah but… Louis will tear Harry apart.”

“You sure?”

Liam shrugs. “Pretty much. He’s still so angry and hurt.”

“Well, then maybe Harry just deserves to hear it. He probably has to hear it and Louis has to say it so they can move on.”

“You think they’ll make up?”

Zayn grins. “Are you really betting against it?”

~

 

Louis all but storms along the corridor, already five minutes late for his meeting when Aiden is unfortunate enough to try and stop him.

“I can’t, got a meeting now,” Louis tells him curtly.

“With Harry?” Aiden asks icily and this is on top of the list of things Louis doesn’t need right now.

“Look, it wasn’t my doing nor my desire to meet with him. Zayn scheduled it.”

“So?” Aiden shrugs. “Cancel it.”

“Cancel it,” Louis repeats and of course, why didn’t he think of it? “I can’t just fucking cancel it.”

“Why not? What has he got to do with you anymore?”

“He’s working here,” Louis answers with rather strained patience.

“And ever since he showed up here you have been distant. You said you needed time so I gave you time and space and whatever. But it’s been two weeks. Hell, it’s been longer than two weeks, ever since we got back from L.A. and you bumped into him in that bathroom—“

“Can we not do this now?!” Louis hisses and grabs Aiden, steering him away from the main corridor.

“And when are we going to do this Louis? Because you keep running from it. And now you’re running right back into the arms of the person who treated you like shit.”

 Louis freezes, anger making his body go numb and his limbs feel cold. “You know nothing about that Aiden,” even his voice turned to ice. He pushes past Aiden and doesn’t once look back.

 

***

 

Harry is idly playing around with the various controllers when Louis storms in, door crashing into the wall and the rendering all but crumbles.

“Mind stop playing around and actually do something productive?!” It’s not that Harry expect a hug or anything, he knew Louis wouldn’t be happy about having to work with him but… coming face to face with a furious Louis Tomlinson is just something else. And Harry hasn’t even said or done anything yet.

Harry shrinks in the chair, trying to make himself look smaller.

“I… umh… I… already…” he gestures to the display, hoping that Louis can makes sense of his mumbling. Jeeze, when did he turn into such a stuttering mess around Louis?

“Fine, let’s hear it then,” Louis sinks into the chair furthest away and Harry starts the first track.

Ten seconds is all it takes for Louis to flick to the next track. He lingers on it a couple of more seconds, fast forwarding to the chorus before he skips to the next. And then the next.

He never lingers long on each of Harry’s songs, his fingers always hovering over the fast forward button.

And while Harry was nervous and tense before, he’s close to tears now. He can clearly see that Louis hates it, and with every single song he dismisses it becomes more and more apparent. Harry doesn’t even know why it meant so much to him, but he somehow hoped that by showing Louis his songs he would kind of understand…

“Okay, stop. Stop it!” Louis barks at him and Harry nearly falls off his chair in his haste to press the button.

“What is this, Styles?”

Harry doesn’t say anything, just bites his lips and stares at his hands.

“I mean… I know you can sing, and I know you can write but this is utter shit.”

It’d be easier if Louis would just hit him because every word cuts deeper than the one before and Harry has no way to shield himself.

“What were you thinking? Do you like them? Honestly, please tell me you think they are crap.”

“I don’t,” Harry almost whispers and he feels so, so small. “I like them. They are mine. I wrote them on my own.”

“Half of that stuff doesn’t even make sense!” Louis barks and Harry is close to tears.

“I… they… some of them aren’t ready yet, like, I know they need work…”

“You could have just burned the paper you wrote them on, that would have been a better use,” Louis deadpans.

Harry doesn’t say anything, keeps his head down and his eyes locked on the flimsy material of his black shirt. It’s too hard not to cry to concentrate on much else. This is the worst idea ever, why on earth did he agree to it?

“Right, let’s hear it again, maybe we can salvage something.”

Harry just hits play and while Louis scribbles away, pauses the track, rewinds and forwards as he pleases, Harry just sits there.

He doesn’t know how he is supposed to survive this. He knew signing with ZAP wasn’t the greatest idea but never in a million years had he thought Zayn would ask him to work with Louis. Even worse, Louis agreed to it. Probably just so he could torture Harry some more and while he’s feeling better, he isn’t anywhere near ready for this.

Everything with Louis is still too raw. It hurts too much and Harry hasn’t even started to try and forgive himself for what he’s done because he doesn’t know how.

It’s bad going through a break-up but it worse when you’re the one who calls it quits only to realize a couple of months later how fundamentally wrong that decision was.

Harry glances up, hoping that Louis won’t catch him while he stares.

But now that he looked, he can’t turn away. He didn’t allow himself to look when he burst into that dreadful meeting two weeks ago, stopped looking for photos of Louis in the magazines or on the internet but now… he’s so close. And he isn’t yelling or glaring at him, but Louis just sits there. Close to Harry for the first time in forever. Harry could get up, could lean forward and he’d be able to touch him.

The dainty wrists and elegant fingers, holding onto the pen while Louis scribbles furiously, skin still a shade darker, golden from his recent stay in France. The white shirt he wears scoops low enough so Harry can make out the italic writing on his chest, and he realizes that Louis has gotten a little broader in the shoulder but slimmer in the waist. Liam told him he comes to work outs with him now and while he always loved Louis little tummy, he’s curious as to whether Louis managed to get the abs he envied Liam and Harry for all this time.

Arousal races through him alone at the thought of Louis golden skin, sculptured into muscles and V-lines and he must have made a noise because Louis looks up suddenly.

“Are you alright?” Harry nods panicky, hoping Louis won’t recognize his flushed cheeks for what they are.

“F-fine,” he stutters and Louis just huffs and focuses back on the songs.

Harry swallows but refuses to drag his eyes away, rather leaning in a little to catch the soft shadows Louis eyelashes throw on his cheeks, the cerulean blue of his eyes hidden. He can see his lips move, forming words before he rejects them with a curt shake of his head. His hair is lighter as well, more bronze and golden than the rich brown.

Harry wants to run his fingers through the strands, hold them up and examine each and every different shade of color. He wants to curl his finger around Louis fragile wrist and kiss his knuckles before Louis tangles his hands in his hair. He wants to feel the soft flutter of his eyelashes against his skin, feel Louis breath hit his lips right before they meet his. Taste the sweetness, taste _Louis_ , on his tongue.

Right then and there, Harry would trade everything, all of his tomorrows if he could have one yesterday with Louis.

To be able to wake up next to him again, have him cuddle close to Harry while he’s making breakfast. Curling up on the sofa with him, while they watch a bad movie together, which Harry chose and Louis will make fun of without end. Until Harry shuts him up with a kiss and then the kiss would lead to more kisses until Harry would grab Louis and carry him into the bedroom. Take his clothes off slowly, take his time to tease, to explore, to taste. Take Louis apart bit by bit, to have him beg and cry and scream Harry’s name. Have him fall asleep in his arms.

To have him right back where he belongs so Harry can see the world in color again. So he can be happy again because Louis is with him.

 

***

 

“Hi.” Louis throws his keys somewhere in the approximate direction of the table before he kicks off his shoes. “Is Perrie home today?” he calls out.

“No, she’s at a signing somewhere in Manchester,” Zayn calls out to him and Louis leaves his shoes right where they are. If Zayn trips and breaks his neck it serves him right for what he did.

“Hello there.” Louis walks into the dimly lit living room, Zayn and Liam sprawled out on the sofas.

“There’s some pizza in the kitchen for you and once you’re done, Liam brought some weed over.”

“What happened to our stash?” Louis asks but walks into the kitchen to get his share.

“Nothing, Liam just offered,” Zayn gives Liam a toothy grin. “Didn’t you bro?”

Liam gives Zayn a look but otherwise ignores him, rather focusing on Louis. “How did it go?”

Louis swallows around a big piece of cheese, talking while still chewing. “Okay I guess. We didn’t fight. He didn’t really cry and I didn’t yell at him.”

“Didn’t _really_ cry?” probes Liam and Louis shrugs.

“He seemed a bit sad when I told him his songs were a big pile of shit…” Liam groans at that, “… but other than that he kept it together so… mission accomplished.”

“Glad to hear, since I meant what I said. I want you to work on his album together so you’ll be seeing more of each other,” Zayn stretches like a cat, shirt riding up and Louis can see the gun tattooed on his hip.

“If I smother you with a pillow while you sleep it’d still be less than you deserve,” Louis informs Zayn with a bright grin while he sinks down into one of his armchairs. “Where’s the Irish one?”

“Out with Harry, I think,” Liam shrugs.

Louis nods but feels it’s better not to comment on it. He doesn’t want to get into another discussion with Zayn about being professional and able to work with people he doesn’t like.

Him and his big mouth, if he only had kept it shut during their walk in the park and not proclaimed loudly that he’s totally fine, that Harry’s presence doesn’t vex him and that he doesn’t need to like people to work with them. If he had thought twice about it, he would have realized he just gave Zayn a step-by-step manual of how to annoy the fuck out of him. And Zayn wouldn’t be Zayn if he didn’t use it right away.

So Louis decides he’s very professional and very superior and not in the least pissed off about having to work with Mr. Styles.

“I’ve been thinking; how about I show you my new home before we head to work tomorrow? It’s close to where Niall lives, we could head out for breakfast before or after.”

“Sounds good,” Zayn answers from the sofa.

“While we’re on the subject of your new home: Any more news you’d like to share? Except having bought a flat, I mean,” Liam asks with innocent puppy eyes.

“Umh,” Louis thinks hard for a second before he shakes his head. “No. That’s it.”

“Really? So no news concerning you and Aiden?”

“I don’t know what you mean but no?” he says cautiously.

“No plans for the future, like… I don’t know… moving in together?”

“What?” Louis asks while Zayn actually raises his head to bark “What? You are moving in with Aiden?”

“No, Aiden’s moving in with _him,_ ” Liam remarks with a satisfied smirk.

“Are you high, Liam?” Louis cocks his head.

“Look, it’s not a big deal. We’re happy for you, right Zayn?” Zayn just looks at Louis. If that’s Zayn’s happy face, Louis doesn’t want to see his sad one.

“Where did you get that idea from? Have you been reading The Sun again?”

“I… what? No. Aiden said it,” Liam shakes his head.

“Aiden said what? When?” Louis asks slyly.

“A couple of days ago. Okay? When you… umh, left the meeting. Niall, Harry and I were looking through the contracts and Aiden came in with some stuff for Niall and… anyhow, we started talking about the new flat and he said he’d be moving in with you.”

“Aiden said and I quote ‘I am moving in with Louis’?”

“Basically,” Liam shrugs. “It’s no big deal, right?”

“Well, it’s definitely not true so that depends…”

“He’s not moving in with you?” Zayn finally asks and Louis shakes his head vehemently.

“Hell no. He’s got a nice enough flat as it is. Why would he move in with me?”

“I don’t know. He sounded like it was a done deal,” Liam shrugs. “Sorry, didn’t mean to get ahead of him by dropping that bomb on you.”

“No it’s…” _fine_ Louis wants to say but is it really? He runs a hand through his hair, fluffing it up. “We never talked about moving in together so I kinda wonder where he got the idea from.”

“Harry was there,” Liam offers and Louis gives him a blank stare.

“When Aiden came in, Harry was there and Niall… you know him, right? He thought it’d be the polite thing to introduce them only that it was… well, it was bloody awkward okay? Aiden didn’t know that Harry was signed and he looked… not too happy about it. And the best I could come up with was ask him about your new flat and… well, that’s when he said he’d be moving in with you.”

“So it really was a pissing contest?” Zayn gets up in a half sitting position, looking between Louis and Liam.

“A what?” Louis asks.

“A pissing contest. You know, it doesn’t take a mastermind to figure out that there’s still something unresolved between you and Harry. I guess Aiden figured out as much and –“ Zayn sits back up. “I told you as much, Lou. And now Harry is here and Aiden sees what it does to you. You have been distant and you have been brooding ever since you came back from France and… jeeze, that’s basically Aiden staking his claim.”

“I’m not a freaking object, for crying out loud,” Louis mutters.

“No, you’re not,” Liam agrees. “But even a blind man can tell that there’s still something going on between you and Harry. Hell, it’s hard for me to breathe sometimes when you two are in the same room.”

“We… he… we are not together anymore” Louis eventually manages to choke out.

“It might not be my place to say but…” Liam exchanges a look with Zayn. “Harry really regrets what he did. To us. To you.”

Louis snorts and shakes his head. “The only regret he has is that he didn’t become the new Justin Bieber on the first try.”

“I think… you’d find that becoming a world famous popstar isn’t a priority for Harry anymore. He’s… he changed. If he hadn’t, we wouldn’t have considered signing him.”

“What do you mean?”

“Remember the boy from Cheshire who went through the XFactor with us? The UAN tour and the beginning of the TMH tour?”

“Yes.” Of course, how could Louis ever forget that Harry. It’s who he fell in love with, who he loved unconditionally. His forever and ever so to speak.

Leaning forward slightly, Liam makes sure that Louis looks at him before he says “He fucked up. He royally fucked up. But it’s Harry, Lou. _It’s our Harry_. Not that arrogant popstar version of Harry we had to deal with at the end of last year”

“So you’re saying…”

“All we’re saying is we’d never sign some arrogant shit head,” Zayn interrupts Liam before he can say any more. “And I know that he’s hurt you and you have every right to be angry just… don’t let it cloud your judgment, okay? I’d hate for you to turn into one of these guys who are too consumed by their hatred to see things for what they really are.”

“In other words stop being a miserable, angry twat and get over it?” Louis is only half joking.

“No. I don’t know if you can ever _just get over_ something like that. But don’t let it eat you up, okay?”

“Right,” Louis rubs his thighs. “Okay, enough of that. I can’t handle any more emotional talk and shit today. Why isn’t anyone rolling?”

 

***

 

By the end of the week, Harry has kind of accepted that Louis just hates him.

There’s no other explanation left as to why he tears Harry’s work apart and barely talks to him except to tell him how crap his songs are. That he does in rather lengthy monologues, and as much as Harry had been looking forward to working with Louis – after all there was the tiny chance that somehow they would get on, that Louis would just talk to Harry and give Harry a chance to explain himself, to apologize properly – he has come to dread each new day.

He is so sick of crying and feeling like shit but ever since he started working with Louis, that’s all he’s been doing. Spending half the night with his face pressed into the pillow so Niall or Paul or whoever he’s staying with won’t hear him sob, the other half is spent with re-writing his songs, hoping that Louis will miraculously come to like at least one of them but it’s always in vain.

If Harry was a stronger person he would just go to Zayn or Liam or even Niall and tell them he can’t do it. Working with anyone else would be fine but he can’t sit through another session with Louis. But that would also mean that he didn’t get to see Louis anymore and no matter how much it hurts, Harry is masochistic enough to endure all this just to have three or four hours with Louis every day.

If Harry had to compare it, he’d say he was like a flower, craving the sun. Only that the sun burns him worse and worse every time, still he can’t stop reaching for it.

Why Louis agreed to work with Harry if he obviously detests him and every single piece he’s ever written, Harry is not sure. Not expecting Louis to still be heartbroken over it, Harry thought he’d at least show some emotion towards him but all he gets is cold hatred and… well, it was to be expected but Harry can’t deal with it. Not from Louis, not from the one person he bared his soul to, who knows him best. It’s only a testimony as to _how well_ Louis truly knows him by how spot on he is with each and every of his comments and actions, all designed to cause the maximum of pain and humiliation.

It’s like being stuck in a looking-glass world.

Louis, from their first meeting in the XFactor bathroom to their last day together, was always the one that protected Harry no matter what. He was Harry’s personal safety blanket, his lifeline. Harry knows that he’s a little push over, he let’s people too close too quick, is too trusting and naïve but he always had Louis who wasn’t afraid to call out anyone on their shit if he thought they were hurting or harming Harry in any way. He didn’t mind being the villain, didn’t mind the bad publicity or the rude comments he got from fans and journalists alike. Louis had always put Harry first, always made sure Harry was alright and comfortable before he cared for himself or anyone else.

But now Louis has become one of them, is the leader of everyone who’s out to get and hurt Harry as much as possible.

Still, Harry can’t turn away. He takes it silently, everything Louis throws at him. It’s nothing less than he deserves for what he did, isn’t it?

When Niall notices the toll it takes on him, he calls him crazy and begs him to stop, to say something. He even threatens to tell Liam and Zayn (and that’s only after a week of working with Louis) but Harry remains stubborn.

As much as he hates these hours, he _needs_ them, thinks he’ll just curl up on the floor and die if he doesn’t get his daily dose of Louis. No matter how poisonous it might be.

Having had a breather over the weekend, Harry comes back with new energy and new songs, hoping that Louis might have had just a bad week and that it’ll go better from now on.

His hope is shattered about ten minutes into the meeting when Louis simply tears up each and every song he wrote over the weekend, not even glancing at his ideas.

It’s… just a bit more than Harry can take really.

But he’s learned to sit silently through it all, to rather bite his lip until it bleeds than to let a sound escape. He hardly blinks to stop the tears from falling, keeps repeating ‘you deserve nothing less’ over and over in his head.

Only when Louis leaves him around six pm without as much as a goodbye, Harry allows himself to crumble down.

 

***

 

Louis’s never been a fan of Monday’s but it’s gotten better since it’s actually him who dictates his schedule.

He’s finally gotten out of his session with Harry, scrolling through his phone when he bumps into Niall.

“Done for today?”

“Mmh, finally. Thank God,” he grins. “Just got to check some emails and then I’m off.”

“Cool – is Harry still downstairs?”

“I guess, he didn’t come up with me,” Louis shrugs and Niall pats his shoulder, already turning towards the staircase.

Whatever, Louis has gotten over his irritation that Niall and Harry are growing close again. It’s not worth his time or the hassle and Louis has got more important things to do.

One of them being Aiden.

He knows he hasn’t been the best boyfriend lately. He’s been moody and irritated, avoiding Aiden over the past week, rather than talk to him. It doesn’t solve anything and Louis knows this but he’s still too stunned and quite frankly also angry about Aiden lying to Liam and Niall (and Harry) and telling them they’d be moving in together. Another thing he hasn’t yet brought up but needs to talk to Aiden about.

Having checked his emails, his computer is switched off and Louis is just composing a text to Aiden, offering to pick up some food and have a night in, when Niall barges through his door again.

“Sorry but enough is enough.”

“Huh?” Louis looks up long enough to register that Niall is fuming. He puts his phone back down and starts to stand but Niall is already walking around his desk, shoving his finger in his face before Louis can even stand.

“Enough, Tommo! I know you don’t like him and I can understand that, I really do. And I think it was a stupid idea of Zayn to force you two to work together but… he’s reached his limit okay?”

“I don’t have a clue what you’re on about.”

“Harry.”

Louis rolls his eyes out of instinct. “What now?”

“Don’t Louis,” Niall growls. “You are one of my best mates and I love you but Harry… he’s also one of my best mates and I get that you want to punish him for what he did but…”

“Niall, do you mind telling me what you’re on about? I don’t actually know what’s going on.”

“He’s…” Niall takes a step back and runs his hands through his hair. “He’s been crying himself to sleep for the last seven days, Louis. Ever since you’ve started working together, Harry’s just been… well, I guess he’s really been tethering along the edge and it’s just too much—“

“What is too much?” Louis growls, realizing he’s gripped the armrest rather tightly. “What’s wrong with Harry?”

“What’s wrong? Well, you have been tearing his work to shreds for six days now, Lou. Every song he came up with, you told him is crap. You barely talk to him, except to tell him that all the work he did is in vain and… it gets to him you know? _You_ get to him.”

“Harry doesn’t care—“

“He does. Too much for his own good really, but he does care a great deal about what you think. He just wants to talk to you Louis. Maybe you could try and… not be such an arse about stuff? Please?”

“But what if it’s—“

“So each and every song was crap? Really?” Niall gives him a ‘don’t bullshit me’ look and Louis blushes.

“Well, some were alright.”

“Still you tore them apart.”

“I did,” Louis confesses.

Niall huffs. “Right. Look, I know you have been hurt and I’m not saying you shouldn’t be angry and upset and heartbroken. But perhaps you need to be the bigger person for once.”

Louis doesn’t say anything for a while, chewing his lip before he admits “It’s hard. I don’t… like talking to him would mean forgiving him, right? And it’s not – not alright I mean.”

“I know. And I’m pretty sure Harry does, too. He doesn’t expect you to forgive him or to just make nice but… does it really help, Lou? Hurting him? Does it make you feel better?”

Damn Niall and his sudden bursts of wisdom.

“No, it doesn’t make me feel better, quite the contrary actually.”

“Harry is trying, Lou. He might not do it right or be very creative but he’s generally trying to apologize and work on this. It doesn’t mean you lose or are the weaker person, okay? This isn’t a competition.”

Louis sucks his bottom lip in, staring at the hardwood desk for a couple of seconds. “I don’t know how to behave around him,” he finally admits.

“Maybe you could start with just talking to him. A normal conversation, nothing has to come of it. But he’s working with us, and he’ll be here for a while. And as far as I can tell, you’ll be stuck with him, not matter how much it sucks. But it is what it is,” Niall flicks Louis shirt, grinning. “I don’t expect you to be the best of friends again but… try not to make his life completely miserable, please. He still looks up to you - so much - and you’re really important to him.”

Louis doesn’t say anything for a long time, silently mulling over the words Niall said before he eventually breathes a soft “Okay.”

“Thanks mate.” Niall claps his shoulder. “I see you tomorrow?”

“Mmh,” Louis sinks back in his chair, waiting for Niall to leave before he cradles his head in his hands.

He has been a right shit to Harry. He knows as much.

What he didn’t know was that Harry still took it so hard. What he also didn’t know was that he’d take it so hard when being confronted with the fact that he makes Harry Styles miserable.

A part of him can’t believe it even now, says it’s just what Harry deserves but a bigger part of him feels rather sick at the thought of hurting Harry like that.

Perhaps Louis should have spent his days thinking everything that’s happened through (i.e. Harry signing with them and the very likely possibility of having to work, having to see him every day) instead of pushing all thoughts away as fast as possible.

He’s still hurt, and he still doesn’t want to see Harry, yet at the same time he’s _glad_ that Harry’s here. It’s so irrational and confusing and his head is all over the place but he doesn’t want to think about his complex feelings for Harry again. For crying out loud, he spent three months on the floor thinking about nothing else but Harry and… doesn’t it ever stop? Does he always have to explore his feelings every time Harry comes around? Can’t it just be… normal for once?

He finishes his text to Aiden while grabbing his stuff before he turns the lights off and makes his way outside.

Having almost reached his car, Louis stops to dig his keys out of his pocket and that’s when hears the noise.

It’s the quiet and low keening he’s only heard a couple of times in his life, a sound so utterly devastated and heartbroken that a shiver runs down his back.

Louis walks slowly across the parking lot until he’s reached the familiar black Range Rover. Taking a deep breath he rounds the car and sees Harry on the floor. Arms wrapped tightly around his knees, he’s softly swaying. His face is pressed into his jeans, sounds muffled by the fabric but the tremors that run through his back and arms tell a story of their own.

It’s… one of the most painful things Louis has ever really seen and it only hits him now how right Niall was and how ugly he’s really been.

No matter what Harry did, he doesn’t deserve to be treated like this by anyone. And especially not by Louis.

“Hey,” he crouches in front of Harry but it’s only when he reaches out, touching his arm that the younger boy’s head snaps up.

His green eyes are huge and red, fresh tears running over his cheeks and his curls are matted to his temples and forehead.

“What…” Harry scrambles back, out of Louis reach. “No, please. Go away. Please just… leave me, okay?”

“Harry, I—“

“No I get it Louis, I’m okay. I swear, this is me acting silly and stupid. I’m just being dumb. You can leave, it’s nothing really,” he’s talking so fast that he gives himself the hiccups.

“Just shut up, yeah,” Louis says harsher than intended and Harry flinches. It… tears at Louis heart to see him like that. His precious, little boy.

“It’s not nothing and you’re not alright,” Louis reaches out again, cautiously. Before he can stop himself he says “And I am sorry for being a twat.”

“You what?” Harry blinks like he spoke Greek to him.

“I’ve been a twat,” Louis admits with a sigh. “To you. The past week. I shouldn’t have acted so… nasty and I’ve been so mean about your songs. They aren’t all shit.”

“That’s a relief,” Harry has to smile even though he feels like bursting into tears all over again. Louis is here, he’s actually _talking to him in a nice way_.

“Come on,” Louis gets up and extends a hand to Harry. “I’m not going to hit you, Harry.”

Slowly, Harry uncurls his long limbs and Louis has to suppress a smile. He’s still moving like a new born foal.

Louis pulls him up, steadying him when Harry inevitably stumbles. “Where are you staying at the moment?”

“At Niall’s… so he’s out tonight,” Harry stares at the ground, clearly uncomfortable and Louis wonders how they got here. Hurting each other and barely being able to be around the other.

It’s so fundamentally wrong.

“Are you hungry?” he hears himself ask and Harry shoots him a quick look.

“A bit,” he mutters.

“Wanna catch a bite to eat then?” Louis surprises himself by asking but… well, he promised Niall to work on his attitude and behavior and he might as well start now. Maybe he’ll actually be able to go to bed tonight without feeling like shit because he damn well knew what he did to Harry.

“You and I?”

Louis is tempted to hum the next line of their former single but doesn’t think Harry would get the joke.

“Yes.”

“Are you… don’t you have to be somewhere? I mean, what about umh… Aiden?”

Oh, that he completely forgot about.

“He doesn’t mind,” Like hell he doesn’t but… Louis looks at Harry and decides he needs him more than Aiden right now. “Come on.”

“But…” Harry points to his car.

“Mmh, not letting you drive like that. Come on, grab your stuff.”

“Louis, you really don’t have to…” Harry starts but Louis is already slowly walking back to his ride.

“I know.” Is all he says over his shoulder and a bit later, he can hear Harry’s footsteps following him.

Being in a car with Harry is a little awkward and neither of them know what to say so they just stay quiet. Louis drives them to Niall’s, getting out and following Harry inside without being really invited.

“We can order in or I could… cook? Pasta?” Harry offers softly, still afraid that Louis might lash out.

“If it’s not too much hassle…?”

“Nah, just been grocery shopping yesterday…” Harry walks into the kitchen with Louis on his heels.

They have done this so often, Harry cooking while Louis watches and it’s terribly familiar. Maybe they should have gone out or ordered in because seeing Harry cook brings back a flood of memories for Louis. Happy days, when they’d share kisses and giggles, Harry cooking breakfast at midnight, Louis trying (and failing) to prepare a three course meal for their second anniversary.

“I quite like five or six of the songs you wrote,” Louis blurts out just to say something, anything really to dissolve this weird tension between them.

Harry, thank God, doesn’t turn around to bash his head in with the heavy pot but just fills it up with water and goes back to the fridge to grab the ingredients for the sauce.

“Then why did you…?”

“Because I’m a miserable twat. You hurt me and I wanted to get back at you. It was the best way I could think of and… yeah. Not my best moment. Sorry.”

Now Harry turns around, eyes already glazed over again. “Lou…” the nickname slips so easily off his tongue and okay, Louis has been called the same by Zayn or Niall countless times before but with Harry… God, it holds a certain tenderness and intimacy and Louis just _can’tcan’tcan’t_.

“Look, this isn’t us falling back into each other’s arms and making up, okay?” He quickly clarifies, scared by the sheer amount of hope in Harry’s eyes. “It’s just… I’ve been a twat and you didn’t deserve it. So I’m sorry. You are working with us now – with me – and we’ll be seeing quite a lot of each other over the next weeks so… I guess it’d be nice if we… just got on?” he asks timidly.

“So no talking about…” Harry motions between him and Louis.

“No. I don’t think… I’m not quite ready for that, yet.”

“Okay.” Harry takes a deep breath, standing straighter. “That’s… okay. I can live with that I guess. But…”

“We will. We have to talk about it really but… not now. This is still really awkward and… everything’s a bit too raw at the moment.”

“Okay.” Harry lowers his gaze again and turns back to the stove. The irrational feeling that he somehow disappointed the curly haired boy runs through him but he quickly fights it down.

This is more than anyone expected, more than anyone could have asked for. Jeeze, even Louis himself would have said “no way” had someone told him yesterday he’d be back in a kitchen, watching Harry prepare food for them.

“Want some wine?” his thoughts are interrupted by Harry, holding up two glasses and a bottle of white wine.

“Hell yes, thought you’d never offer.”

It’s an awkward dinner. Conversation going rather sluggish. Both are unsure which topics are off limit, even the most innocent ones, like Harry living in L.A., are proving to hold some explosive content. So they stumble along, weird pauses and laughter accompanying them but… Louis has fun.

Sitting in Niall’s house with his ex-boyfriend who tore his heart out and broke him into pieces, eating some delicious pasta while having the weirdest conversation of his life, Louis is having fun.

Like the desert soaks up rain, he’s soaking up the time with Harry.

He’s allowed to look now, can track all those small changes in the other boy. The slightly longer hair, the bulkier frame. Harry seems taller but maybe that’s just because Louis hadn’t seen him for a while. He still talks slowly, though, still has those huge hands and a fable for those bandanas. It’s like comparing two versions of Harry, the _before_ and _after_ version, cataloging every change and every similarity.

It’s still _his_ Harry sitting across from him. Which makes it so much better on the one hand but so much worse on the other.

Entranced once again by the slow, low drawl of his voice, those plush pink lips and bright green eyes Louis can’t help but _looklooklook_.

For the hundredths time in his life, Harry is trying to explain to him why Louis should start living more healthily – one of these topics that’s so familiar that it’s painful – when his mobile interrupts them.

“Just…” Louis holds up one hand and answers it.

“So I guess no food then…” Aiden.

Oops. “Oh, I’m really sorry.” Louis bites his lip, wondering if he should get up but then again Harry knows about Aiden. And this isn’t some illicit dinner, it’s just… trying to move on and get along, things that were long overdue.

“I got caught up and…”

“Where are you?” Louis really doesn’t like the tone but tries to stay calm. “I called Zayn and he said you hadn’t been home. I tried the office and your flat but…”

“I’m at Niall’s,” Louis offers.

“Niall’s? But that’s… isn’t Harry staying there?”

“Yes he is.” Harry looks up at that but then again it’s probably not hard to guess about who they are talking.

“So you are…?”

“I am with Harry right now.”

“Right.” Or not as Aiden’s tone clearly implies. Harry motions towards the exit but Louis shakes his head. It’s more Harry’s place than his, if anything Louis should get up and move.

“Look, I’m sorry. But something important came up and…”

“And it couldn’t wait until tomorrow?”

“No it couldn’t even wait a second.” Louis sees how Harry bites his lips to suppress a smile.

“I assume it’s got to do with Harry?”

“Yes. Sorry I stood you up, okay? I should have called but… yeah.”

“Yeah.” Aiden takes a deep breath. “Well, are you coming home now or is that thing with Harry going to take all night?”

“Aiden,” Louis warns in a low voice.

“Just asking since it’s so important.” Pinching the bridge of his nose Louis goes for “I’ll be home soon, okay? Sorry.”

“Whatever.” Aiden hangs up.

“Sorry, I didn’t mean to cause trouble.”

“It’s okay. This… is okay.” He gestures between him and Harry. “I meant what I said, this was more important to me than some take-away dinner.”

Harry lowers his head, hiding his expression under his curls. “Do you need to go?”

“In a bit,” Louis sighs. “But not until you’ve told me for the umpteenth time why I should drop my tea in favor of that disgusting green stuff.” Louis grabs the bottle and tops of both of their glasses. “It’s just too fascinating.”

“You are such a shit.” But Harry laughs and it’s the best sound Louis’s heard all day. 

~

 

Louis is tempted to drive straight to Zayn’s, to just go to bed and ignore Aiden’s text and another missed called but he knows it’ll then be hell for him tomorrow.

Teeth-gnawingly he trots up to Aiden’s flat at some time to midnight, knocking softly, hoping that Aiden might already be asleep. Seems like Louis luck is running out fast today because the door is yanked open almost immediately.

They just stare at each other for a while until Aiden steps back and motions for Louis to enter.

“So…” Louis drops his keys and wallet at the side table, feeling his phone buzz in his pocket.

“You were with Harry?” Aiden’s whole posture speaks of barely hidden anger.

“I was,” there’s no point in lying, no point in trying to sugar coat it.

“So it’s a thing again, you and Harry?”

“I don’t know what you mean, Aiden,” Louis runs his hands through his hair, flattening his fringe against his forehead. “We are working together at the moment and we will continue to do so. But we are not secretly dating or anything if that’s what you’re implying.”

“No need to worry then, right?” it’s a fake smile, tone of voice too cheery.

“Not at all.” Louis sinks down on the sofa, suddenly feeling each of those 16 hours he’s been up and about.

“No hard feelings between you and Harry after whatever happened between you last year. I wouldn’t know because everyone seems to think it’s a huge fucking secret and it doesn’t concern me. Because who am I, right? Not your boyfriend or anything so you don’t need to tell me shit.”

“Aiden.”

“Don’t, Lou. We have been together for four months, and yes, it might not be that long but I thought it’s going great.”

“It is,” agrees Louis easily. Well, maybe not _great_. Great had been a thing of the past, a thing with a certain other someone. But it’s going well.

“Then why don’t you ever tell me shit? Why do I have to dig and beg for every little piece of personal information?”

It’d be the perfect time to bring up the little story Aiden told Liam of them moving in together but Louis keeps his mouth shut. Aiden is working himself up and he doesn’t have the energy, doesn’t simply want to keep talking about their relationship and their feelings (God, he’s gay but not that gay) for ages on end.

“I knew you had been with Harry, I mean that’s like an open secret in the business right? But you never mentioned him or anything that had remotely to do with him. Heck, I basically had to look you up on the internet Lou!”

“Why so?” Louis glances briefly at him. “Why did you do it? What does it matter? It’s a thing of the past.”

“Is it now? Because when we met I could tell you had been heartbroken, I’m not stupid okay. And it doesn’t take a genius to figure out that it all had to with Harry because no one ever mentioned his name in the beginning, no one talked about him and for a band that was apparently as close as brothers that’s a bit strange, don’t you think? At least have the decency to tell me what went on, because I kinda feel like I was left to pick up the pieces”.

Louis is about to tell him that no, he didn’t pick up the pieces, that it was Zayn, Liam and Niall and Louis himself who had to deal with that, but Aiden marches right on.

“And now Harry shows up and you are best friends again? You agree to sign the douche that went solo and left the band? Like, it doesn’t work for him and he just ruined your career but hey, it’s Harry Styles, dimples and curls so let’s go for it? What the fuck, Lou? Ever since he showed up you have been weird and distant and now you stand me up to ‘work’ with him? Because something so important came up that you forgot you had a date with your boyfriend?

What am I supposed to think? Because to me, it looks a lot like you’re ditching me to hang out with the arrogant Popstar.”

Had Aiden known Louis a little longer and better he’d stopped talking about it half way through, once he recognized the tight line to his jaw and the tenseness of his shoulders.

“First of all: _Don’t_. Just don’t talk about Harry like that because you don’t know him,” Louis holds up his hand. “ _Just don’t_ , Aiden.

Secondly, I didn’t sign him, it was actually a joined decision between Niall, Liam and Zayn. I haven’t yet put my signature under the contract and I don’t know if I will but that’s for _me_ to decide.

Thirdly, you don’t know what went on, and you don’t know anything about what kind of relationship Harry and I had. Don’t go assuming anything because you read some articles or saw some cute tumblr posts.

And lastly, stop. Just stop with all this jealousy drama because I really don’t need that and I really don’t need you to give me shit about Harry or start hearing out my friends about my private life. Harry and I are a thing of the past, okay? And whatever hard feelings I still might have about it, they’re for me to act upon and I don’t need you defending my case or anything. I’m a big boy, I can take care of stuff. And quite frankly, sorry, but I don’t want you involved.”

“Wow.” Aiden actually looks stunned. “I never thought I’d say this but you can be a fucking arrogant wanker, Louis Tomlinson.”

Smirking, Louis gets up. “I know,” he reaches out and circles his arms around Aiden’s waist and even though Aiden pushes and shoves, Louis holds onto him.

“Let go of me.”

“No.” Louis reaches up and bites Aiden a little harder than usual, teething sinking down on the tender skin of the nap of his neck. “Can’t do that now, can I? You’re kinda hot when you’re all jealous and possessive,” he purrs in what he hopes is his best dark and seductive voice.

“This isn’t some joke, Lou, you can’t just waltz in here and…”

“Now I think you’ll find out that I can,” Louis rolls his hips against Aiden’s and shuts up every further protest by kissing him hungrily.

Louis just spent the better part of his day with Harry, he’s already on edge and worn out just from being around him. Anger, fear, disappointment, love, lust… the list could go on and on and Louis has been on an emotional rollercoaster ride ever since he stepped into the studio today.

He doesn’t want to _talk_ anymore he just wants to _be_. And if the best solution he can come up with is to fuck Aiden to get him to shut up, well then. Louis never claimed to be an expert on relationship talks.

“I don’t want to talk about Harry and I certainly don’t want to think about him now. I am your boyfriend, babe. I am here. So why don’t we focus on that instead,” he cups Aiden through his jeans, rubbing him until he feels Aiden harden to his touch.

“So no getting back with Harry? You don’t still like him or anything?” Aiden asks, face already buried in Louis t-shirt, breath coming out soft and hot.

“He’s a twat, we’re just working together,” Louis directs him backwards to the bedroom.

“You spent time with him this evening… you – aaah – stood me up,” Aiden’s breath stutters when Louis yanks his shirt off.

“Because he’s a little sensitive boy…” he bends and nibbles along Aiden’s collarbone, fingers digging into his sides. “He needed a little extra attention and pampering.”

“I just feel like… it’s Harry, you know? How do I compete with him?”

“Hush, love, it’s not a competition. Could we stop talking about Harry now, please? I’d rather concentrate on you!” Louis shoves Aiden onto the bed, undoing his pants. “You think you can do that?”

Aiden licks his lips and crawls back, pushing his trousers down and peeling Louis briefs off. “I think I can find something else to occupy myself with,” he replies with a grin before he swallows Louis down.

 

~

 

Hours later, while Aiden is fast asleep next to him, Louis reaches for his mobile and opens the text.

_I know things between us are still fucked up and I know we aren’t friends or anything at the moment but… thank you for today. It really meant a lot to me and I guess I really look forward to working with you._

_I’m sorry, I know I shouldn’t write things like that but – I missed you, Lou. So much. H xxx_

He thinks; _I missed you too_ and _it means a lot to me as well_.

Fingers hovering over the keypad, words and sentences forming in his head but he can’t say, can’t write any of them. Not now, maybe not ever again.

And he thinks that Aiden is right; he can’t compete with Harry, no one can.

Because tragically Louis didn’t learn anything.

If he got the chance, he’d do it all over again in the blink of an eye.

Given the choice, Louis would choose one yesterday with Harry over any tomorrow with Aiden.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (sorry, weepy author, beware!) 
> 
> You've all been incredibly supportive and all of your comments have been nothing but lovely and sweet, can't thank you enough or even begin to try and explain what this means to me!
> 
> You guys are the best!!! 
> 
> Hope you keep enjoying this :)


	9. It’s not the end of the world (just the end of my world)

_England, London, August 2015_

Dinner with Harry seemed to have marked a turning point, something that Louis was aware of but didn’t anticipate how much it’d change in terms of dynamics.

Zayn and Liam are quite frankly shocked when he tells them, the first thing Liam’s asking is whether they talked, kissed and made up and Louis wonders whether it’d really be that easy and if he’s just complicating matters or whether Liam just _thinks_ it’d be that easy.

Niall’s smile on the other hand is blinding, he doesn’t need to say much, briefly hugs Louis and tells him well done and it’s back to Business - but then again it’s not.

Superficially, nothing has changed. They still go about their days as they did before but underneath the surface everything is different. At least for Louis.

Starting with the daily meetings, Harry is more relaxed and Louis will actually sit back and _listen_ to what he has to say, discussing his songs _with him_ instead of _telling him_ what he thinks and then move on to the next.

And – damn his soul – Zayn is right once again: Louis is the only one who can make sense of Harry’s rambling and wild, flying gestures when he tries to express what he feels, what he wants. It’s the benefit of having lived with him for almost four years, of knowing each and every little quirk. It’s beautiful, and tragic, and sad and unreal.

They seldom got the chance to write songs together while they were still in a band and even so Louis and all the other boys offer to schedule meetings with some other songwriters, Harry remains stubborn, saying Louis, Liam, Zayn and Niall are the only help he wants and accepts. Which is equally endearing as it’s scary because if the next album fails they can only point the finger at each other.

Meeting with Harry becomes fun, something Louis is secretly looking forward to which is something that wasn’t supposed to happen – under any circumstances. Louis and Harry don’t have fun together anymore, they don’t joke around and they don’t laugh and it’s… so freaking great and easy how they fall back into each other that it scares Louis shitless. Whenever it catches up to him, he’ll be a little shit to Harry, falling back into his nasty-self until he’ll see the tears shimmering in Harry’s eyes. Then he’ll almost trip over his own feet in his haste to make it up to him.

It doesn’t help that Harry Styles is still the same goofball who trips and stumbles but is so endearingly honest and cute that Louis can’t even be upset when Harry starts swapping his beloved Yorkshire tea for that horrible herbal stuff he started drinking, thinking Louis wouldn’t notice that his tea suddenly tastes like brewed grass.

It’s something so _Harry_ , typically sweet and caring. Like the old-Harry before fame and the spotlight got to him, before he became a different person before Louis eyes. A stab to the heart is what it is every time anew.

But it doesn’t stop at their daily meetings, Harry eventually finds the courage to stop by his office during the day, bringing him bits and pieces of baked goods or just a green salad, stuff he picks up while he’s out to get lunch for himself and Niall or the other two boys. He’ll be hanging around Liam’s office, just chatting the day away or pop around to Zayn’s house for a quick game of FIFA in the evening.

They’re slowly but steadily falling back into each other’s gravity.

Carefully connecting those torn seams again until they become inseparable once more. It doesn’t happen overnight or in a day or two but when Louis comes into the office one day and sees Harry goofing around, juggling three oranges in front of Liam’s desk, he realizes it happened. Somehow they fixed those broken parts.

Most of them at least, he thinks as he absentmindedly rubs his hip and the tattoo Harry still doesn’t know about.

 

Yet, while one part of his world becomes whole again, another part seems to shatter because of it.

The best term to describe his relationship with Aiden at the moment would be _strained_.

Louis tries to merge his new life and his old one, brings Aiden along to some of the evenings they spent together at Zayn’s or Niall’s but it’s just not happening.

Harry did get over his initial shock of seeing Louis and Aiden kiss – with more tongue and groping that Louis deemed necessary, but fine, if it helps Aiden prove his point and shuts him up, so be it. Harry nearly crashed his car in his haste to get away that night.

Although it wasn’t probably beneficial for his cause to rush after Harry and sent him a text to make sure he was alright.

But then again _Harry isn’t gay_ (even so Louis hadn’t seen or heard of any flings he might have had while being in London) so it’s possibly just some misguided possessiveness on Harry’s part. Louis was his and now he simply isn’t anymore. Still, subconsciously, Louis tries to avoid too much PDA with Aiden when he’s around Harry.

And Harry comes around eventually, trying at least a little to get along with Aiden. Which is more than Aiden does because he’s acting like a _jealous, clingy bitch_ in Louis opinion. It’s neither cute nor hot when Aiden does it, unlike the times Harry went absolute apeshit when someone else tried to touch Louis. All it does is jar on Louis nerves and he starts to avoid Aiden, prefers spending more time with the guys which became a synonym of spending more time with Harry. Which in turn pisses Aiden off even more but Louis doesn’t fancy a re-run of their last dinner together.

They decided to go out, the five of them. Louis brought Aiden, Zayn brought Perrie and surprisingly enough, Liam brought Danielle along ( _but just as friends_! as he kept repeating without end before they met up with the girls). Harry muttered something about bringing someone else as well but either his date cancelled on him or he decided against it – Louis doesn’t ask and he is certainly not interested in Harry’s private life. He might have asked Niall if Harry was seeing someone but that doesn’t count. It was late, he was high and feeling a little blue plus he just had an argument with his bitchy boyfriend (needless to say Niall didn’t prove much help, he only shrugged and said that Harry was out and about with some ‘old’ friends every now and then which for Louis could mean anything from high school buddies to Nick Grimshaw).

Louis got to the restaurant a little late, being held up by his mother who was nagging him about a visit in the near future and meeting Aiden, so the guys had taken the liberty to order for him. Not immediately catching onto the tight line of Harry’s jaw, he just kissed Aiden and muttered a quick hello to the rest. Only when Perrie kicked him under the table, pointedly asking whether he needed the loo did he get the hint that some things seemed a little off.

Turned out Harry and Aiden had a ‘discussion’ about Louis preferred food which eventually turned into a rather heated argument about what Louis likes in general. And if it wasn’t so messed up, he’d have a good laugh about how his ex-boyfriend and current boyfriend managed to get into a fight over whether he likes steamed or boiled rice better. The beat-down expression Harry tries to hide so desperately tells Louis all he needs to know about who came out on top of this.

And it shouldn’t have bothered him like it did, he shouldn’t have been angry with Aiden but he was. And it annoyed Louis, still annoys him, because when will this ever end? When will he stop picking Harry over anyone else? The other boy made it crystal clear that he wasn’t in love with him anymore, maybe never had been and that he certainly didn’t reciprocate any romantic feelings Louis had towards him.

Dinner itself was okay, it was nice having the girls around for a change but Louis couldn’t fully concentrate on the conversation. Every time Harry would say something, Aiden’d make sure to drop some snappy comment causing Harry to grow quieter and quieter as dinner went on. It left Louis on edge: Aiden’s attitude as well as the need to reach out and pat Harry’s hair, cuddle him and tell him everything would be okay. Even with his boyfriend right next to him, he still felt more drawn towards the curly haired bloke across the table than to the gorgeous blond next to him.

Not for the first time over the last week Louis had distanced himself from Aiden when they walked out of the restaurant. Interest had died down over the last months, but 5/5 were still worth a shot, especially since the novelty of Harry being around them hadn’t worn off yet. Also, Perrie being there only increased the public interest because while One Direction ended, Little Mix was still going strong. Having long developed a radar for hidden and obvious paps, all of the boys played it casual, only stopping for some autographs and pictures with fans.

Naturally, Louis side-stepped Aiden when he got too close, trying to link their fingers. And it’s not like he hasn’t been spotted with him before (heck, there was a photo of them holding hands a while ago) but Louis simply refuses to be forced to come out publically because of some blurry picture. He’ll dictate _how_ and _when_ and it’s not that night. Especially not when he’s been fighting more with his boyfriend than having normal conversations.

They’ve talked about it before, so Aiden catches Louis by surprise when he crowds him in a corner as soon as they walked into the flat and demands what the hell that was.

“What are you talking about?”

“You and that meter of distance you kept between us”

“You did see the paps, didn’t you?”

“I did, but I thought it doesn’t bother you anymore?” Aiden snaps and Louis groans. Why do his nights always end in drama, fights and angry sex these days?

“It doesn’t but I’m not coming out like that—“

“Like what? With your boyfriend by your side? Don’t you want to be seen with me anymore?”

“This is stupid Aiden. We talked about this before and I thought you understood but you clearly don’t”

“How about you explain it to me again since I’m a little thick apparently?”

“If you’d stop acting like some cocky, jealous shit for one second I would” Louis flings back at him.

Aiden’s eyes widen and he takes a step back with a stormy face.

“Every time Harry is around you’re being a twat. I am not interested in him, for crying out loud, so could you stop being a shit to him? It’s rather annoying and embarrassing and you don’t need to stake a claim or anything, okay? He knows I’m with you, it’s kinda hard to overlook considering the show you put on all time.

So let me tell you one thing, since you are so keen on knowing everything about my past relationship with Harry: Him pressuring me to come out was part of the reason why we split. Oh, and the other not to be underestimated reason is that he told me he isn’t actually into guys. Harry is straight, I was a mere exception from the rules. So I’d be really fucking grateful if you could tone it down and start acting like a normal person again and not some nutcase”

“Are you done?” Aiden’s tone is harsh, he is shaking with anger but Louis is not better. He’s trying really hard to keep his composure, otherwise he’d be full on yelling at Aiden.

“Not quite, while we’re at it I’d like to remind you that I said _I_ would choose _how_ and _when_ I come out. And it’s not with some forced interview because we were spotted kissing or holding hands. I’m sorry if this isn’t what you had in mind, but you knew who I was when we started dating, you knew the status quo – so stop trying to force something because you’re insecure and trying to make a point by shouting it from the rooftops that I’m with you, alright?”

“Done now?”

Louis huffs out a breath. Not nearly done, but for now “Yes”

“Good, than you may go”

“What?” He asks incredulous. Aiden’s never kicked him out before and they had some rather good fights during the last weeks.

“Go. Fuck off, Louis. If you think you can call me annoying and embarrassing you might as well leave because I’m sure you don’t want to spend the night with someone like me”

“You got to be kidding me” Louis groans but reaches for his discarded jacket nonetheless.

“Honestly, what were you expecting? That I will let you fuck me like all the other times we fought? Sorry but no. I’m really not in the mood” Aiden holds the door for him. “And don’t dare run off to Harry now” he whispers quietly and Louis freezes.

Bringing his eyes up to Aiden’s he stares him down before he equally coolly replies “Grow up. And don’t call me until you actually do”

He doesn’t bother closing the door, knowing Aiden is standing there watching him leave.

Going to Harry didn’t even cross his mind, Louis doesn’t feel like company at the moment anyway so he quickly dismisses the idea of going to Zayn’s but drives to his new flat instead.

Most of the furniture has arrived already and while it still looks more like a model home, Louis has started to bring some of his personal stuff over, ranging from clothes to photos and the couple of cooking items he owns. He’ll still need to sit down and properly pack his stuff up at Zayn’s but it’s a beginning.

No one’s been here really, all of the boys (except Harry) came over to check it out of course but didn’t stay that long. Aiden only came to pick him up a couple of times but he hasn’t slept over yet.

Padding barefooted into the master bedroom, Louis stands in front of the bed for a couple of endless seconds before he slips under the covers, stretching out on his side of the bed.

His fingers dance over the other mattress, harder than the one he’s lying on.

Because Harry has a bad back and sleeps better like this. Because Louis is a moron who couldn’t help but order the exact same mattresses they used to have. And because some tiny part of Louis still holds out for Harry, thinking it’s wrong to let anyone else sleep in this bed. Because it’s _Harry’s side_.

But then again _Harry isn’t interested in him, he’s dating girls, he isn’t gay_.

It’s kinda become Louis new mantra over the last couple of days, he only needs his heart to finally get the memo that Harry Styles isn’t for him, never was, never will be.

 

***

 

“… so you think if we changed the bridge here…” Harry leans over Liam’s shoulder, finger pointing at the sheets spread out in front of them.

“I think it could work…” Liam ruffles around, looking for a rubber or pencil when the door to his office flies open and Niall stumbles in.

“You’ll never guess what just happened!” he yells at them and Harry nearly drops his glass of orange juice.

“Calm down, Ni” Liam flinches. “Small spaces and yelling, okay? We talked about that, remember?!”

“Oh fuck off, Payno. This is too great to keep quiet!”

“Did Derby finally make you an honorary member?”

“Did Katy Perry dump John Mayer to confess her unconditional love for you?” Harry adds.

“Wait, wait, I got it: Nando’s is opening a restaurant right below your flat and you’re getting direct access to the kitchen?” Liam grins and Niall glares at them.

“Aren’t you two funny?”

“Hilarious, right?” Liam chuckles.

“Yeah well, _you_ ” he points at Harry “will stop laughing in a second and _you_ ” now the finger points at Liam “will go into full panic mode”

“What have you done Niall?” Now Liam’s sounding rather suspicious.

“I kinda… talked to some people and… might have gotten Harry a slot at the VMA’s this month?”

“What?” Liam screeches and Harry feels his heart stutter and start beating twice as fast.

“Put that down, will you” Niall walks over and gently takes the glass, probably saving Liam from being bathed in juice. “It was just a request, I didn’t think they’d say yes?”

“And when did you think to run that by us?” Liam leans back and Harry doesn’t understand how he can be so relaxed.

The VMA’s are weeks, days away and he hasn’t got a song, nor a band, not anything…

“Harry is about to pass out” Niall grins and Liam looks up.

“Are you?”

“What?” Harry squeaks.

“About to pass out?”

“Possibly” Harry admits and Liam sighs, leading him over to take a seat on the couch.

“So… oh Harry, stop hyperventilating” Niall scolds.

“I’m terribly sorry but did both of you forget that the VMA’s are mere hours away and I neither have a single, nor an album, nor anything recorded or a band… or…”

“Shush” Niall shuts him up by placing a hand over his mouth, cutting off his rambling and forcing him to take some steady breathes through his nose.

“It’s another two weeks. And you don’t have ‘nothing’” he points over to Liam’s desk. “You do have some songs”

About to argue, Niall tightens his hold on Harry’s mouth and looks to Liam. At least he has the decency to look a little put off, although Harry expected Liam to have joined him hyperventilating by now. Maybe that’s the benefit of not having to go on stage anymore, Harry muses. How great for them.

“We do have some songs, and yes, I think one of them could be a potential single. But Harry’s right, we didn’t have the chance to record anything or search for a band”

“Josh and the guys are free, aren’t they?”

“Umh, yes”

“Good, so we have a band” It sounds rather simple put like that.

“What else? A song… well do you have a favorite?” Niall looks at Harry who nips at his hand. When Niall doesn’t react fast enough, he slobbers all over it, causing Niall to shout “uuugh!” and jump back.

“If you hadn’t tried to choke me, I wouldn’t have had to lick you” Harry tells him with a small smile.

“Who’s licking who while being choked?” Louis head appears in the doorway and Harry lowers his gaze, biting his lip.

“Someone’s being dramatic, I didn’t choke you” Niall nudges him. “Still he licked me” he wipes his hand along his jeans.

“Mmh, beware of _that_ tongue” Louis mutters and both look at each other at the same time, Louis eyes widen when he realizes what he just said and Harry blushes an even deeper shade of red.

“So what’s… ummh… all this screaming about?” Louis quickly turns, breaking eye contact with Harry, instead being very focused on Liam’s carpet.

“Nialler thought it be fun to ring up the organizers of the VMA’s and ask them if they had a slot for Harry”

Louis gasps. “You what?”

“Thank you” Harry mutters at Louis wild expression. “It’s not only me who thinks it’s crazy!”

“Are you nuts?” Louis goes on as if he hadn’t heard Harry. “We don’t have a song, haven’t even decided on a new single and he’s supposed to perform in what… do we still have 48 hours?”

“Haha, we still have two weeks”

“Well then” Louis rolls his eyes and plops down on the sofa next to Harry without thinking. “Let’s all take a holiday for a week shall we?”

“You’re being a little shit” Liam tells him with a polite smile.

“You knew this all along, don’t act so surprised” is what he gets in reply and Harry chuckles.

“Laugh all you want, curly” Louis grabs a strand of his hair, pulling it. “You will pee your pants when you have to go up there and all you can come up with is ‘old McDonald had a farm’”

Harry didn’t hear much after ‘curly’. It’s the first time that Louis called him by one of his old nicknames and he positively preens. Might also be due to the fact that Louis is playing and pulling his hair. Harry is one second away from purring.

Someone snapping their fingers in front of his face gets him out of the trance but he still catches Louis lowering his gaze, private smile playing around his lips before he releases Harry’s hair.

“Earth to Harold. Any song you’d pick as new single?”

His first instinct is to look over at Louis, which is stupid because he should have enough faith in himself to pick a good song but…

“What about ‘Like everybody else’?” Louis suggests at the same time Harry says “Though Love”

“Though Love? Never heard that one, have I?” Louis frowns and it’s cute how he wrecks his brain, thinking he might have forgotten.

“No, you haven’t. Only came up with that one over the last couple of weeks”

“Okay…” Louis rubs his hands along his thighs, Harry’s eyes being draw to the motion. “Well, should we… look at that? Get to work?”

“Oh… I am… well Liam and I…” Harry is pointing over to Liam’s desk where the sheets are spread out.

“Oh” Harry can’t quite place the look that crosses Louis face, it’s too quickly gone anyhow, his features schooled back into a neutral expression when he gets up. “So I guess you got it covered then?”

Technically, it shouldn’t be a big deal, after all Harry has been working with the rest of the guys too but somehow… well, it’s been more his and Louis project. Not showing him a song feels a lot like keeping things from Lou which didn’t go down well before.

Louis seems to come to the same conclusion, looking not particularly happy but trying to cover it up. He doesn’t do the best job, since even Liam notices the subtle change in tone and posture.

“Lou…” Liam sounds a little weary, trying to smooth over the pause in conversation.

“Nah don’t worry mate. Free afternoon for me, right?” Louis stretches, his shirt riding up slightly. Taut, golden skin over abs Harry didn’t even know Louis had are on plain view for a couple of seconds and it’s too much as it’s not enough at the same time.

Harry wants to reach out, sneak his hand under his shirt and trace every little millimeter of skin, he wants to drop to his knees and taste Louis, run his tongue along the barely there trail of bronze hair, until it disappears in his briefs. He wants to lay him out and stare at him for hours on end, wants to wrap himself around Louis and never let him go.

He wants everything he doesn’t have anymore, everything someone else has.

It’s nothing new to Harry, that feeling of want, but it’s never been quite so strong.

He bites his lip, trying to focus on anything else than the roar of his blood in his ears.

“… get this song ready and Niall and I will take care of the rest?”

“Huh?”

“Liam will get this song ready with you” Louis explains, his voice a little strained and Harry wonders how often he had to repeat it or whether he caught him ogling. “Niall and I are going to take care of your flight and hotel and stuff. Maybe set up one or two interviews if you’re up for it? We need to call Paul” He turns to Niall, who nods.

“I don’t need a hotel” Harry adds shyly, causing Louis to halt in his ramblings.

“Oh. Right, I forgot. House in Hollywood and all. Okay… umh… who would you like to take?”

“Huh?”

“Like who should accompany you? Do you have a girl here we should ring up or would you rather go with an actress or singer from the States?”

“What are you talking about?”

“There’ll be a red carpet, okay? And usually, you walk these red carpets with a girl attached to your arm, don’t you? At least that’s what you did the last couple of times when I cared to check”

Louis snide comments come unexpected and out of the blue these days, and they always hit Harry harder than they should.

“You want to set me up on a date?” he asks disbelievingly.

Louis cheeks turns slightly pink and he looks over to Liam for a little help. Friend that he is, Liam just looks right back at him and he growls. “I just thought…”

“What?!” Harry interrupts. “Let’s hook him up with some girl, have the press take some shots of Harry and his new side kick? Get the press rolling by another stupid publicity stunt?”

“That’s not what I was trying to do!” Louis defends himself. “I just thought that…”

“Yeah you just thought that’s what I do these days. Shag girls left and right and do it all in the name of PR. Not much popstar Harry Styles won’t do, is there?” Harry snaps at him, old anger mixed with new frustration making him irritable. Everyone else sees he’s changed, why the hell can’t Louis? Why does he still have to be the same old unforgiving shit?

Harry’s tried so often during these last weeks; gentle words, subtle hints – anything really from sitting Louis down and telling him face to face that it was the biggest load of bullshit when he told him he wasn’t in love with him anymore. Or gay for that matter.

Well, he’s possibly bi – but the crucial point here is that Harry is still insanely attracted to his former best mate and ex-boyfriend and with all these thoughts running through his head late at night… well, it’s definitely not _straight_ thoughts he’s having.

It’s so telltale of how out of tune they are with each other these days that everyone else has caught on – he’s still got a nice bruise on his shin from when Niall kicked him repeatedly during their last get-together at Zayn’s when Harry just couldn’t drag his eyes away from a laughing, slightly high Louis – but Louis himself.

He’s really done a more thorough job of shattering everything than Harry had thought possible because honestly; Louis has known since he was sixteen, how on earth does he still believe Harry is only into girls?!

Let’s face it: claiming he wasn’t into Louis and saying he wasn’t gay was so stupid after he’d been basically attached at the hip to the other boy, barely being able to control himself sometimes around Louis. If Harry could, he’d go back in time and kick himself right in the balls for ever starting to doubt that he and Louis weren’t meant for each other.

Harry shoves Louis aside, walking out briskly and slamming the door on his way.

~

 

The “come on in” is a little muffled by the closed office door and Harry figures he could just turn and run, after all, most people have already left the office and no one saw him walking up here.

But he’s already pushing the handle down, eyes cast downwards so he misses the surprised expression on Louis face when he walks in.

“Harry? What are you doing here?” he sounds a little unsure as if he can’t make up his mind on whether to yell at him or hear him out and Harry can’t quite blame him. That was a rather grand and tragic exit of him.

“I… umh… been driving around a bit and… to clear my head and think about what you said and what I said and… well, I’m sorry” he finally looks up and sees Louis leaned back in his chair, hands clasped over his stomach.

“Okay”

“I shouldn’t have had a go at you like that, it wasn’t… I didn’t mean to snap at you. Sorry”

“Well I guess I shouldn’t have said anything about getting you a date. That was a low blow and… kind of the style we don’t want here… should have known better”

Harry nods and stubs his foot at the carpet. “I’ve been thinking and… I’d really like it if you came with me”

Louis shocked gasp is rather loud in the otherwise quiet room and Harry quickly blabs on. “No… not just you… I thought, like, all of us. The boys from 5sos are performing as well and… wouldn’t it make sense for you to go, too?”

“I guess, we haven’t really talked about it” Louis answers cautiously. “And you’d really want us to walk the red carpet with you? You know how that might look to some, and it’ll sure take the focus off your new single a bit”

“I don’t care” it’s the truest thing he said all day. “I want you there”

Louis looks at him for so long the Harry begins to fidget, feeling a little too exposed under the heavy stare of blue eyes.

Finally, Louis puts him out of his misery. “Well. Okay, we’ll do it”

"Really?”

“Yeah, sure. If you really want us there, then we’ll come”

Harry nods. “Cool. Okay, well, I better get going”

“Got a date?” Louis jokes lightly but they both fall a little too quiet after that.

“Just, umh, meeting Ed and some mates” Harry mutters.

“Cool” Louis sounds a little too chirpy to come off as casual. “Well, have fun, ‘kay?”

“I will” Harry gives him a small smile, reaching for the door. “Oh and Louis?”

“Mmh?” the older boy hums questioningly.

“I really want _you_ there” Harry says quietly before he yanks the door open and leaves, not giving Louis a chance to reply.

 

***

 

_United States, Los Angeles, August 2015_

 

“… so it’s all set up? Rehearsals went okay?” He shoulders his bag and makes his way through customs.

“Thanks, Niall. No I don’t think you’re a total idiot I’m just asking okay? No I’m not being a mother hen!” Louis rolls his eyes and pushes past a lady that can’t quite move fast enough. Some people have places to be, thank you.

“I would just feel better if I heard the song but apparently it’s so top secret that I don’t even get to hear the freaking demo or a glance at the lyrics! What? No. I am not freaking—listen to me, if he cocks up” Louis glances down at this phone, Niall’s ‘ _nanana, I can’t hear you’_ still audible.

“Fine, be a wanker! I’ve got to look for my car now, bye” Louis hangs up without waiting for the reply.

Niall flew out with Harry a couple of days beforehand, staying at his L.A. home with him while Zayn, Liam and Aiden followed three days ago.

Harry offered Louis to come out and spend some time under the hot Californian sun as well, but he kept stalling, using having to see his mum and sisters as an excuse to fly out as late as possible.

Not that he did drive up to Doncaster once the other boys were gone, instead he was spending the days with finally packing up and moving all of his things over to his new flat.

He’s not avoiding the rest per se, only that he is avoiding the rest.

Still peeved about not being allowed to even read a single word of this oh so mysterious new song, Louis would have never admitted it openly but he misses working with the goofball. Over the last two weeks, Liam and Harry have been basically hauled up in the recording studio, working none stop and Louis hardly got to see the curly haired one.

_Fine, if they don’t want his help_ … it’s not like he minds. Only that he does and that it annoys him that he does and… it’s all a bit of a vicious cycle really. Louis is only human and there are only so many knowing smiles of Zayn he’s willing to put up with before he dies his quiff pink in his sleep. Which would result in Zayn trying to shave his head and then Louis would have to post the lovely, drunken picture of Zayn dressed in one of Perrie’s corsages and not much else and… well, vicious cycle again.

And Zayn can really go and be superior and all-knowing somewhere else because Louis is most definitely not making up with Harry. He is certainly not forgiving him and it is not true that he is completely and utterly enamored with the other lad.

If only he weren’t so shit at lying, he might have actually believed it himself.

Louis doesn’t know when it started, when the sinking feeling he used to get every time he saw or spoke to Harry was replaced by this tingling in his stomach he knows all too well. Possibly the same day he sipped his tea and was actually disappointed to find that it’s his usual Yorkshire blend and not that edible wild herbs crap Harry had tried to sneak him.

It’s just that Louis can’t – _won’t_ – fall for Harry Styles again. No matter how good he looks, no matter how nice he is or how much he makes Louis laugh.

Those words ( _“I’m not gay”, “did you really think we’d last forever?”, “I was so young I’d didn’t even know myself”, “I’m not in love with you anymore”_ ) still ring clear as day in Louis mind. And if that wasn’t enough to keep him from acting on his little crush than it’s the fact that this fragile equilibrium they managed to establish lives and dies with Louis and Harry holding up their respective parts.

Being around Harry always holds certain easiness because of how long and how well they know each other. On the other hand, it’s probably one of the hardest things Louis ever had to do.

How do you go from lovers to friends? How does one stop reaching out for his other half when he is right there but you are just not allowed to touch anymore? Can you ever learn to un-love someone?

Things were easier when Louis was still angry with Harry. Then he could hide behind a mask, pretend Harry didn’t matter to him. Now that the anger has faded, what is it that Louis can hide behind?

Worse even, it’s Harry he’s dealing with. _His Harry_. Not the popstar alter ego that screwed them over and didn’t give a flying fuck about any of them but… _Harry._ Achingly familiar to the point that sometimes Louis actually knows what Harry will reply to a question before he even opens his mouth. Pretending has gotten ten times harder over the last weeks, not only in front of the boys but also in front of Aiden.

Louis sighs. Him and Aiden have made up – kinda. It’s a fragile peace at the most, something else that keeps Louis up at night and has him feeling like he’s about to slip up every second now. He knows that Aiden is watching him, looking for the smallest hint that Louis is lying and still in love with Harry. Liam and Niall might not have caught on yet but he knows that Zayn did. The raven haired demon hasn’t yet said anything but if his grin is anything to go by, Louis attempts to mask his feelings are to be sneered upon at best.

So three days aren’t much but it’s the best Louis can get. He could just man up and finally have that long overdue talk with Harry, heaven knows the younger boy has indicated often enough that he’d be willing to. Besides him being messed up and all over the place again, things with Harry are going good, they’ve managed to become some sort of friends and Louis knows how important that is for the other boys. But if he had _that talk_ with Harry, he knows Harry won’t stop until he’s laid Louis bare, getting to core of things. And quite frankly, Louis is scared of what he might say, the things he might confess.

He’s not ready for it yet. So he ignores these thoughts like he’s done for the past eight months, pushes every remotely romantic thought of Harry away and tries really hard to keep the friendly façade intact.

Wringing three days from the guys, Louis is arriving as late as possible.

And it’s coming round to bite him in the arse because he’s running really, really late.

As in ‘ _red carpet’s about to start in twenty minutes’_ -late.

He jumps out of the car before the driver managed to properly pull up to the curb of his hotel, running through the lobby without stopping at the front desk. The elevator takes ages and Louis is bouncing on his toes once he finally reaches his floor, setting off into a run once again.

The door to the suite is ajar and he tumbles through it with his shirt half way yanked off, hopping on one leg, trying to kick his shoe off while he mutters a litany of “sorry, I’m late, oh shit, sorry, so sorry”

Luckily someone comes to his rescue and helps him untangle the shirt until he can breathe and see again. So once he sees who the knight in shining armor is he wishes that damn shirt would still cover his eyes.

“Glad you could join us” Harry has the nerve to smirk and all Louis can do is stare at him.

“What the fuck are you wearing?”

Harry twirls like a fucking Disney princess. “Don’t like it?”

Gaping like a gold fish on dry land, Louis runs his eyes up and down Harry’s body. No amount of time would have been long enough to prepare him for this.

“Are these painted on?” he reaches out as if to touch Harry’s thigh but thinks better of it.

Clad in fucking skin tight black jeans, a black button down which is more see through than anything and a black leather jacket Harry looks… God, Louis wants to tie him to the bed and mess him up so badly that Harry won’t be able to walk for _weeks._

“Armmh” Zayn clears his throat loudly and Louis is abruptly ripped out of his haze. “Fancy getting dressed maybe?”

“Ummh” is the best answer he has and Zayn sighs, grabbing his shoulder, gently leading him over to the chair.

“You’re drooling, mate” Zayn whispers and Louis has half a mind to wipe his chin.

He’s glad for the interruption when Lou tells him to close his eyes and angle his head, making quick work of the bit of make-up he has to wear before she gives his mop of hair a scrutinizing glance and reaches for the big brush and blow dryer. Louis whines low in his throat when he hears the distinctive sound of a camera shutter.

“What are you doing?” he groans, Harry laughing lightly. “Just posting this on Instagram”

“The fuck you’ll be…” he wants to reach out but Lou hits him – hits him! – with the goddamn hairbrush so all he can do is glare at Harry and suck his hurting finger, while Lou seems to pull extra roughly at his hair.

“Zayn, could you get Louis outfit, please?”

Zayn mutters something about not being Louis personal slave but dutifully goes off to fetch his garment.

Lou motions for him to drop his pants and if Louis had more time he’d be hesitant to do it in front of Harry but a glance at his phone tells him that he doesn’t have time for blushing.

He drops his sweats on the floor and once Zayn holds up his pants Louis is glad that he chose to wear some of the tightest briefs he owns.

“Ahm Lou? Are you sure this is my size?”

“Yes Louis. There a mix of jeans and spandex, you’ll be fine” He still eyes the tiny piece of fabric wearily until he realizes what Lou said. “Like leggings?!”

“Jeggings” Zayn offers rather unhelpful.

“I am not—“

“Just put them on for crying out loud!” Zayn shoves the trousers in his face.

Louis grumbles but bows, hoping around on one leg while the fabric clings to him like a second skin.

“Does my bum look big in this?” he smirks at Zayn who wordlessly throws a shirt in his face before he walks out of the room, shaking his head.

The shirt is more to his liking, white with black print and Lou holds up a black denim jacket for him. He has to admit he doesn’t look bad even if he’d never picked those pants himself.

“Alright” he glances at the watch. “Only 20 minutes late. Let’s roll Harold”

Louis is walking when he notices Harry doesn’t follow, but stands there with his eyes fixed on Louis butt.

“Harry” Louis calls softly, Harry nodding like he heard him but showing no other reaction. “You’re being ridiculous, come on. It’s not like you’ve never seen my ass before”

Louis walks over and any other time he would have preened for causing Harry to look so out of it. Hell, Louis would have dragged him to the nearest storage cupboard and sucked his brains out but now it just makes him shuffle nervously.

It’s too much, how the fuck is he supposed to hold back when Harry looks at him like he’s the last drop of water in the desert.

“Harold” Louis shoves him slightly, finally causing Harry to blink and pull himself out of his trance.

“Sorry… I… sorry” he shakes his head and ruffles his curls.

Louis just nods and takes a step back, turning around swiftly. “Let’s go then” he doesn’t check if Harry is following this time but once he walks out in the corridor he hears his footsteps.

Liam and the rest are waiting for them in the lobby, and Louis takes a deep breath once he steps out of the elevator. He can still smell Harry’s aftershave and if he closes his eyes, he can almost _taste_ it on Harry’s skin.

“Hi hotshot, I thought you wouldn’t make it” Aiden steps out between Niall and Zayn and quickly hugs Louis, running his hands under his jacket.

Harry’s steps falter slightly but before Louis can say anything, Aiden’s lips meet his, mumbling loud enough for Harry to hear “You look good enough to eat, can’t wait to get you naked later on”

He kisses Louis hard, attempting to lick into his mouth without much preamble. After a second, Louis opens his lips and lets Aiden do as he pleases but his eyes are locked on green ones, glancing at him from behind Aiden’s shoulder.

Three days, 72 hours, of preparing himself for this, trying to strengthen his façade and Harry tore it all off in mere three seconds. It doesn’t help that he looks at Louis with a mix of… anger, hurt, disappointment and if Louis wouldn’t know better he’d say also lust and jealousy.

“Okay, okay” he tries to push Aiden away gently. “We really need to go” chuckling nervously, Louis attempts to walk over to Zayn but Aiden quickly takes his hand, linking their fingers.

He lets it go for now, being led out to the waiting cars and getting into one with Zayn and Aiden while Liam and Niall ride with Harry.

The first rush of adrenaline is wearing off a little and Louis feels all of the ten hours he sat in the plane. Pulling at his collar, he starts fidgeting a little until Zayn shoots him a stern look.

Rolling up to the red carpet, Louis has a little deja-vu of the Brits only that it seems the lights are ten times brighter and jeeze, were there as much paps at the Brits as well?

The 5sos boys are there already, posing for the first pictures when Niall, Liam and Harry get out, closely followed by Louis, Zayn and Aiden.

Liam takes his time to straighten his shirt and makes sure all the other boys are ready before he nods and they start off towards the masses of fans and cameras.

It’s not much different from his One Direction days and Louis still recalls enough media training to plaster on one of those bright smiles, appearing to stride confidently across the carpet. Naturally, the boys stick close together, even so technically it should be Harry’s solo comeback but he doesn’t seem to mind, easily joking around with Liam and Niall.

Aiden has stepped off to the side, checking on Luke and the rest while the boys are walking through the first shower of flashlights.

So once Liam gestures for Harry to step closer to the microphones, Aiden comes back, standing close to Louis side.

“You okay?”

“Mmh” He hums noncommittally. “A bit tired, s’all”

“Fancy a massage later on?” Aiden purrs, stepping once again closer, circling his arm around his waist.

Louis can’t help it but he tenses immediately. There are reporters around for crying out loud, and even if they don’t seem to pay direct attention to them, Louis knows that the lenses catch everything.

He tries to step out of Aiden’s arm discreetly.

“What’s wrong?”

“Nothing” Louis forces through a smile. “Just cameras, okay?”

“So what?”

“Not—“ he starts but then Zayn nudges him, and Louis follows him gladly over to where the other boys are standing, obviously about to be interviewed.

“… and there is the rest of One Direction” the blond report beams at the newcomers once Zayn and Louis joined the other three. “You look mighty fine, I must say. So tell me boys – it’s gone a bit quiet around you. Harry, your first album didn’t do as well as expected…”

Harry shakes his head, cheeks slightly flushed.

“… and you were unsigned for a bit before those four here decided to give it another try?”

“That’s right”

“I must say it’s nice to see you working together so closely, after your sudden split we felt like there was some… animosity between you guys?”

Harry is about to reply but Louis cuts in “Well you know, these rumors have been going around for years. Whenever we were on break from a tour we apparently hated each other because we took some time to spend with family and friends and away from each other so… we don’t really listen to them anymore”

“Obviously we don’t agree on everything but we’d never sign Harry if we hated each other – that’d just make working together really awkward” Liam adds.

“So we can expect to hear more from you Harry? Maybe another album?”

“I really hope so, we’ve been working really hard over the last couple of months and I think we came up with some great songs”

“So who are you writing with”

“These four guys” Harry beams at the camera while he points at the other boys.

Clearly a little startled, the report just blurts “Well that sounds more like a new 1D album then, doesn’t it?”

“I… umh… we’ll see. You never know” Harry looks at Liam who nods.

“We never said we’d quit singing all together, we just went different ways for a while. Let’s see what the future holds. Maybe we will record another album, maybe we won’t” She nods and when someone signals for her to wrap it up, the boys quickly move away and down the line.

Slowly walking towards the venue, Harry gets called away for some more photos and interviews, Zayn drifts off to the side to sign some autographs and Niall goes over to annoy Ashton from 5sos.

“Nice save” Liam grins at Louis while they stroll along “With the interview” he clarifies. “I know it was anything but easy for you… working and seeing Harry again and well, you’ve been really good, so… umh thanks”

“I guess…” He looks at his slightly worn VANS. “I got over it at some point” he admits. “Hating Harry that is… it just… stopped. Maybe I didn’t even hate him in the first place…”

Liam is about to reply when a hand is wrapped around Louis shoulder and he can tell by the scent that it’s Aiden.

“Hey, thought you’d run off” he nudges him and then does the one thing Louis explicitly told him was a no-go. He reaches out and tries to tangle their fingers together.

Louis looks down, too shocked to react when somebody yanks him forward and out of Aiden’s reach. He nearly falls into Harry, who steadies him almost casually, big hand briefly wrapped around his hip.

“Sorry, I just… you looked really uncomfortable over there” he whispers when he puts Louis back on his two feet.

“I… thank you” it comes out a little shaky. “He… he knows I don’t do this, holding hands or anything. I’m not ashamed of him but…”

“You don’t want to come out like that?” Harry smiles a little sadly. “I get it Lou, I might not have understood it before but I get it now. It should be your decision. And only yours”

“Thank you” Louis suddenly has to fight the tears because how often did he try to explain that to Harry?

“It’s okay. You are okay” Harry smiles at him until Louis nods.

“Right… so who wants a picture of us?” At that Harry laughs and motions to the sea of cameras in front of them. “Anyone really”

So they pose and smile and laugh and joke around and when Louis actually forgets that thousands of people are watching them then it’s only for him to know.

Still giggling about Harry’s Saturday Night Fever pose he just had to strike, they tumble into the theater. Liam, Zayn and Niall are smiling at them while Aiden… he marches up to Louis and roughly yanks his hand out of Harry’s.

Louis doesn’t even remember reaching for it and by the look on Harry’s face, he doesn’t either.

They walk over to a quiet corner, Aiden is seething.

“What the actual fuck?”

Louis would like to know as much. He dropped his guard and he didn’t even notice…

“So I can’t even stand next to you on the red carpet but he can take as many pictures with you as you like and you don’t mind _him_ holding your hand?!”

“Aiden, I’m sorry” Harry comes up next to them and now Louis is mortified. His ex-boyfriend comes to the rescue while he gets a bollocking from his current love interest. “It was my fault… but umh… it’s different if Louis and I pose together because we’ve been in a band and stuff. It doesn’t mean the same…”

“And you holding hands like a fucking couple doesn’t mean the same either?” Aiden spits at Harry.

“I… I don’t even remember reaching for his hand” Harry confesses “I guess I just wanted to drag him away from the paps”

“I think it was me who reached out” Louis mutters and Harry shoots him a look which is clearly saying ‘ _not helping your case_ ’.

Aiden crosses his arms, ignoring Harry’s presence completely. “So how long will this go on then? How many more events will I have to attend and stay in the back because I am not allowed to come up to my boyfriend and hug him or hold his hand? Should I stay a meter away now while we’re shopping, too? You never know who might see, Lou”

“Stop being ridiculous”

“I’m being ridiculous?! You know, I don’t have a problem with being who I am and I don’t have a problem with people knowing”

“Aiden…” Harry interjects calmly. “It’s different for Louis, we’ve had to hide for so long and… don’t pressure him, please”

Louis doesn’t want to but he can’t help and turn to look at Harry, who turns at the same time, eyes locking. “It’s one of the biggest mistakes I ever made. I shouldn’t have pressured you like I did. I should have known you loved me enough instead of asking you to come out just to prove to the world that you loved me more than anything. It was stupid and… I should have known, Lou. The world doesn’t matter, the only thing that should matter is you. You and… Aiden”

Louis is pretty sure Harry meant to say _you and I_.

“Lovely, some closeted gay popstar giving me relationship advice. Thanks a lot Harry but I got that one covered. You can kindly fuck off now”

“Right” Harry nods, bowing his head and stuffing his hands into his pockets.

About to turn, Louis reaches out of impulse and grabs his biceps. “No. Stay” he turns to Aiden. “If you think you act like an asshole go ahead and do it somewhere else, okay?”

“So you’re asking him to stay but you are sending me away?”

“Seems like I am” Louis nods and Aiden shakes his head.

“Fuck you Louis”

“See you around Aiden” he is roughly pushed to the side when Aiden shoulders past them.

Sighing, Louis turns to Harry. “I am sorry. That was out of line, he… he knows you’re not gay and he shouldn’t have had a go at you like that”

“Yeah regarding the gay thing…” Harry starts but they are interrupted by Liam who asks them to cut the drama and move their butts inside as the VMA’s are about to start.

Briefly, Louis wonders what Harry wanted to say to him but since he’s being filmed while they watch the show he doesn’t get a chance to ask him and by the time Harry makes his way backstage he forgot.

And when the lights go down, and Harry’s slender frame is illuminated by a single spot light, any other thought Louis had, vanishes. Blown away by the rough rumble of Harry’s voice, caramel over gravel.

It’s not until Harry is halfway through the first verse that Louis realizes just why he’s never seen any lyrics or heard that song. He would have broken down and bawled his eyes out.

_I jump into knee deep water, but I’m sinking somehow_

_Trouble on every corner, but you’re all I need now_

_You, you give me something_

_What it is I just don’t know_

_But I feel like a bomb ticking and without you I just might blow_

_You, you give me the feeling_

_You give me a hiding place_

_Our love is bitter but I really like the taste_

_Who said it was easy, taking it day by day_

_But I’ll always remember that I love you anyway_

Another time, another day and Louis would have been backstage in a split second to kiss the living daylights out of Harry. Now, he’s out of his seat in a split second, dry heaving in some alley way behind the theater.

Fuck Harry Styles for doing this to him - again. Making him fall with no hope of being caught.

Fuck Aiden for being such a pushy shit and making him lose his cool on a red carpet.

And while he’s at it, fuck the world. Is everyone out to get Louis these days?

“Cigarette?” He looks slowly up, seeing Zayn leaning against the wall.

“Yes please” he reaches out blindly. “I’m not sure Liam is okay with both of us running out”

“Liam’s too busy grinning like a madman to notice anything” Zayn bends down to look at Louis face. “Looking a bit pale there”

“Oh fuck off, will you. Go and pick another alley to be all superior, this one is my little place of misery”

“What are you doing out here anyways?”

“Having a breakdown” Louis mutters and Zayn snorts.

“Disappointing. I thought you’d make it back to the UK before you messed up but I underestimated the effect Harry in skinny jeans has on you. Dang, should have really asked Lou about the outfits beforehand, cost me £100…”

“You… you bet on when I’d lose my shit over Harry again?”

“Niall phrased it nicer…” Zayn frowns, obviously trying to think of what words Niall used.

“Aren’t you supposed to be my friend?!”

“I offered you a cigarette!”

“Zayn?”

“Mmh?”

“Fuck you, too”

~

 

Louis is in a bad mood.

And drunk.

Drunk and in a really bad mood.

He knocks the shot back, signaling for the bartender to bring him another coke and rum before he swings around on his stole to observe the crowd.

The after show party of the VMA’s is in full swing, Liam and Niall are somewhere on the dance floor and even Zayn abandoned him and his bad mood almost an hour ago.

Needless to say Aiden never showed up and Louis hasn’t bothered to call him and ask where he is.

Someone shoves his way through the crowd and when the last high-society lady tumbles to the side, Louis can see Harry bouncing towards him. Curls gone wild and shirt half way unbuttoned, he can see the layer of sweat clinging to his skin from here and involuntarily licks his lips.

Harry’s eyes are bright and wide and so, so green and when he stands in front of Louis, bouncing like an overexcited puppy, he has to take another deep gulp of his drink.

“Hey Lou” his speech is slightly slurred but he’s better off than Louis, who just nods. “Come dance with me?”

“Nah” he shakes his head, room spinning and dangerously tilting off its axis. Gosh, he should have stopped somewhere between the fifth and sixth coke and rum.

“Are you sad? Because of Aiden?” Harry asks and it’s just so cute and adorable that Louis can’t help but laugh.

“Oh Harry” he reaches out, swaying a little and ruffles his curls. “I’m sad because of a lot of things. Don’t mind me”

“But Louuuuu” he whines and grabs his hand, playing with his fingers. It does something funny to Louis stomach. “You shouldn’t be sad! You should be happy, every day happy”

“Are you drunk, Harold?”

“A bit” Harry grins, his smile is too wide for his face and Louis wants to kiss him. “Come and dance with me please!”

“I’m not really in the mood. But you should go, this is your party too. You were amazing up there tonight”

“You think?”

“I do. You totally rocked it out there, everyone had nothing but praise for you” He clasps a hand around the shoulder of the taller boy. “Congratulations, Haz, I think you made it back”

Harry doesn’t say anything, he just stares at him.

“What? Did I say something wrong or…” The shy smile spreading across Harry’s face gets Louis drunker than all the drinks together.

“You called me _Haz_ ”

“I… umh, yes?”

“You haven’t called me Haz ever since…” He looks down and Louis wants to say something, anything to diffuse the tension that’s building between them but then Harry looks up, bright green eyes turning dark and… Louis swallows dry.

Taking a step closer, Louis hand drops from Harry’s shoulder but the curly haired lad reaches out, catching it in its fall and tangles their hands together. It’s like being hit by high currant.

“Don’t” Louis stammers and Harry frowns.

“Don’t, Harry, don’t. Don’t look at me like that”

“Like what?” even his voice has dropped, nearing the dark and seductive rumble Louis knows all too well. He’s always been powerless when it came to Harry’s voice, his eyes… he’s been powerless whenever it came to _Harry_ really.

“Like that… with that look in your eyes. I can’t fucking breathe when you look at me like that!”

“Louis I –“

“No. _No, no, no_ ” He gets up too quickly, yanking his hand away, he nearly falls. “You don’t get to look at me like that, Harry. You… you went and you… I can’t…” he takes a step back, walking into the person behind him before he turns around and for the second time tonight he bolts from the venue, hearing Harry calling out his name.

 

~

 

Luckily he finds the one cab driver who doesn’t give a toss about where he comes from and who he is, leaving him alone to calm his racing heart in the back of a cab.

Louis tips him rather generously before he stumbles into the hotel and back into his room. Going straight for the Minibar, he systematically knocks anything alcoholic back, hoping he’ll just pass out and get rid of the image of Harry staring at him with lust blown pupils, sweaty and shirt unbuttoned.

But no amount of drink seems to help and Louis feels like he’s suffocating, rubbing his eyes and tearing at his hair. He struggles out of the denim jacket, too hot, too tight suddenly, throwing his shirt across the floor and nearly ripping the jeans in his haste to get them off.

_HarryHarryHarry_ is playing on repeat in his head and he throws himself on the bed, burying his face in the pillows.

Not sure how long Louis has been lying like that when a knock startles him some time later. He considers ignoring it, pretending to be asleep but then the person knocks again, louder and he scrambles off of the bed.

Thinking it’s Zayn who’s come to check on him he yanks it open with a harsh “What?” which kinda dies on his tongue once his eyes catch up.

Harry is leaning against the door frame, shirt now completely unbuttoned and eyes glassy. Louis can tell he’s just as drunk as him now, can tell Harry is quite wasted by the way he’s leaning heavily against the wooden frame.

“You ran off” his voice is rough and slow and Louis shivers.

“Harry, what are you doing here?”

“You just ran off” he pushes himself off of the wall, trying to stand straight. “You always run off Louis. Why? Why do you keep running from me?”

“You know why” Louis hears himself say.

“I don’t, but I really want to know. I need to know because…” his eyes fall to Louis exposed chest and he gulps.

“Harry?”

The other boy takes a step forward just as Louis goes back and once he notices, he looks up at Louis with pleading eyes. “Please”

Louis doesn’t understand, thinks he’s probably passed out face first on the carpet and this is all a dream but then Harry’s fingers graze his naked skin and Louis jumps like he’s been burned.

“Please, Lou…” Harry walks closer, swallowing hard. “Please, I just… I need… _please_ ”

Louis wouldn’t attest himself the best patience or restraint but he’s basically been a fucking saint when it comes to Harry.

First he didn’t hit him even so he would have deserved it, then he actually sat down and worked with him even so he felt like crying every time and more recently, he managed to keep his hands to himself although Harry had become more and more cuddly over the last weeks.

Louis is a saint.

But there’s only so much he can take and if everything he’s ever wanted is dangling right in front of him…

“ _Please_ ” Harry whispers brokenly and Louis surges forward, hands buried in curls and head pulled down roughly. Their lips slot together perfectly and both moan at the contact.

Wasting no time, Louis licks along Harry’s bottom lip, pulling it between his teeth and Harry’s jaw falls open in an instant. Tangling their tongues together, the kiss is too desperate to hold much finesse.

His hands leave Harry’s hair, pulling him all the way inside his room while he shoves his shirt off, walking Harry back into a wall. His back collides rougher than intended with it and Louis has half a mind to pull off and say sorry but then Harry is chasing his mouth and anything else becomes peripheral.

Reaching for Harry’s belt, Louis fumbles with the buttons, groans when he manages to undo all of them and cup Harry’s erection through his silky briefs.

They moan into each other’s mouths and Louis won’t be able to last long if they keep going at this pace.

“Want you… need you, Louis, now, please, please, please” Harry chants against his lips while Louis yanks his briefs off and in a joined effort, they manage to get Harry naked.

The lights are turned off and Harry’s pale in the moonlight, ink nothing more than shadows running across his skin but he’s so fucking beautiful and Louis wants to touch all of him at once just like he wants to spread him out on the bed and look at him for hours. He wants _everything_ and it scares him how easy it was to fall once more.

Louis chokes on air and tears and _want_ , unable to have Harry look at him like that one second longer he turns him roughly around, kicking his legs apart.

“Lou… what – fuck!” hitting his head against the wall, Harry goes pliant as soon as Louis teeth sink into the skin of his shoulder and he tilts his cute little butt out so quickly, connecting with Louis crotch and he accidentally bites down harder.

A loud, utterly broken sounding moan rips from Harry’s throat.

It’s too much and not enough.

Louis briefly considers fucking him dry, before his sex-dazed mind supplies that this might not be the best idea. Harry likes it rough, yes, but surely wouldn’t appreciate that.

Letting go of him, Harry whines, hips already thrusting, searching for friction while Louis stumbles over to his bag, digging through it for the lube and condoms. He quickly sheds his boxers before he walks back to Harry, plastering his front to Harry’s back and ruts up against him.

“Hold on to that for me” he pushes the foil wrapper in Harry’s hand, long, elegant fingers fanned out against the wall next to his head. Louis uncaps the bottle with trembling hands and quickly slicks his fingers up.

It’s a little cold and Harry shies back when Louis finger nudges his hole, Louis left hand coming to grip his waist harder than necessary, sure to leave bruises.

His mouth is back on Harry’s skin, nipping and biting, leaving marks all across his back while he works his finger into Harry, pushing in quickly and Harry groans, pleasure and pain a heady mix.

He doesn’t wait long until he begs for more and Louis is so on edge, he doesn’t question it, only adds a second finger, and it’s mere seconds before Harry starts fucking himself back on his hand.

He spreads his legs wider on his own accord and when Louis has a third finger inside of him, bending his fingers Harry bites down on his arm to muffle a scream.

“I’m ready, I’m ready, please. Need you inside of me now” He holds the condom out for Louis, who takes it without second thought even so he knows Harry usually needs – well, needed – a little more prep than this. Tearing the wrapper with his teeth, Louis is quick to roll it on, slicking his achingly hard cock up with more lube before he guides the tip between Harry’s cheeks. Both are holding their breath and when Louis breaches the first tight ring of muscle, he feels Harry’s whole body shudder, pushing back and catching Louis off guard.

It must hurt, must be too quick how Harry works himself back on Louis cock, still he doesn’t care. He pulls him closer by the hips, moaning loudly when he bottoms out.

No one will ever be as tight and hot as Harry. Nothing will ever compare to this.

“Move, please, move” Harry sounds strangled, wrecked and Louis willingly obliges. He pulls out almost all the way before he quickly snaps his hips, thrusts rough and hard.

He couldn’t go gentle if he wanted to, needs to bruise Harry like Harry bruised him. It’s a lethal combination, his suppressed anger, hurt, love and loss for this boy in front of him and mixed with the alcohol… Louis should know better, does know better than to fuck Harry like this but he can’t help it.

Harry’s moans and whimpers are a tiny bit on the wrong side of pleasure and pain and if Louis wasn’t in such a daze he’d notice. But as it is, he fucks Harry relentlessly, _uses_ him to get off.

When he feels his the familiar hot knot in the bottom of his stomach he reaches out and wraps a hand around Harry’s cock, hard and leaking with precome. Harry has yet to take his hands of the wall, hasn’t touched himself even so it must be painful by now. Because he remembers Louis likes doing it, either likes to fuck him until he comes untouched or to wank him off while he’s inside Harry.

He brings Harry off with some hard tugs, feeling the hitch in his breath just before he spurts over Louis hand and his stomach, maybe even hitting the wall. His body shudders, muscles tightening and it’s the final kick Louis needs to come as well.

Pulling out, he ties off the condom and quickly grabbing some briefs to shield his tattoo from discovery, walks into the bathroom without sparing a glance at Harry’s cowering frame.

He avoids looking at mirror, knowing his eyes will be bright and blue, his cheeks flushed and his body covered in a thin layer of sweat. Feeling pleasantly fucked out, the feeling of elation won’t quite come.

Louis slowly trots back into the room, seeing Harry only managed to shuffle over to the bed, putting on his briefs. Their eyes lock and even so it’s dark, Louis can make out the questioning and rather fearful look in Harry’s eyes.

It’s wrong, a mistake, they should have never let it happen.

“Budge up, will you?” Louis mutters and relief floods across Harry’s face.

He hastily scrambles back, wincing a little when the muscles in his back protest. Louis gets into bed a little slower, trying to keep his distance.

He hears Harry sigh, only minutes until searching fingers brush along his sides.

“Can we…”

“Yeah… sure… just… come here” Louis shuffles a little closer, holding out his arm and Harry is tugged against his side at lightning speed.

The younger boy nuzzles his neck, briefly hesitating before he places a shy kiss to the corner of Louis mouth. Not waiting for Louis to kiss him back, Harry shifts and shuffles a bit until he’s found his spot, arms tightly wrapped around Louis, his curls tickling his face and breath coming out in soft, warm puffs against Louis neck.

“G’night, Lou” Harry mutters and it doesn’t take long for his body to grow heavy.

“Good night, Harry” the answer comes delayed and Louis has to rapidly blink at the ceiling, eyes threating to flood over.

He can’t cry now, not when he isn’t even sure why he’s crying.

Thus Louis lies there, staring at the ceiling and tries to let himself be lulled in by Harry’s soft snores and the comforting weight next to him.

 

It works, Louis manages to fall asleep for a bit but wakes up with a jolt.

No noise or movement had woken him up and he’s rather comfortable. At some point he must have turned, Harry following his movements. Chest plastered to Louis back, arms holding him tight without caging him in. It’s… nice and perfect and so freaking familiar that Louis can’t stay a second longer.

He quietly pries Harry’s arms off, giving him the pillow to hug instead. Tiptoeing around the room, Louis picks up his clothes, glad he didn’t have time to unpack last night. He grabs a random t-shirt, sliding the sweats on and slips in his VANS.

Harry is still snoring softly, completely out of it. He looks so young, curls fanning his face, lips plumb and pink.

Louis crouches in front of the bed, hand reaching out to tentatively brush a strand away from Harry’s face. The younger boy snuffles, crinkling his nose but doesn’t wake.

Quietly, Louis shoulders his bag, grabs his passport and leaves the room.

He hails a cab, not bothering to check the time.

“Where to?”

“The airport please”

~

 

Louis boards the first plane out of LAX that morning.

He hasn’t bothered to leave a message for any of the other boys, hasn’t bothered to call Aiden or anyone else.

He just snuck out like a thief in the night.

The thing is, he knows he technically cheated on his boyfriend last night. And a part of him feels like shit because of it, disgusted with himself. Only, another – bigger – part can’t quite come to regret what he did. At least not because of Aiden.

Cradling his head in his hands, Louis takes some deep breathes, muttering “you are so screwed”.

He shouldn’t have done that, should have never let Harry so close again.

Because after all’s been said and done, nothing has changed. Harry still doesn’t see him as his ‘forever and ever’, is still too young to be in a committed long-term relationship. Plus, the small but important fact that Louis is a male remains.

Whatever drove Harry to turn up on Louis doorstep last night, he never said he changed his mind.

All this was probably nothing more than a nostalgic fuck for Harry, he was drunk and possibly horny and Louis was again all too willing.

Harry will walk away from this unscathed, go on about his days just like nothing happened and Louis…

Of course it’s not the end of the world. People all across the globe have suffered through break-ups and heartache and he’ll get through this. Even if it doesn’t feel like it.

Harry leaving him is not the end of the world.

“No, it’s not” Louis whispers. “It is only the end of _my_ world”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I feel like I owe a personal apology to H&L for the smut scene... I'm sure they do it much better and way hotter in real life. 
> 
> Thanks for reading and thank you, Dutchie, for beta'ing :)


	10. Didn't we almost have it all (it always will be you, wherever you are)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> To anyone who's a fan of Nick - sorry in advance!
> 
> Warning: Attempted rape.

_United States, Los Angeles, August 2015_

When Harry wakes up, he’s alone.

He doesn’t try to panic, just explains Louis absence with him being in the shower. Even so, he can’t hear the water running.

Or maybe he went out to talk to Zayn.

Or he’s out to get breakfast and a cup of tea…

Or he could be…

Harry reaches for his pants, strewn across the floor and fishes for his mobile. There’s no text or missed call from Louis.

Sitting back slowly, he winces when his lower back protests and it’s then that he notices the absence of Louis bag. And Louis clothes, spread on the floor where he left them in the haste to get them off last night.

The bed is cold next to him and not just ‘ _I got out a minute ago_ ’ cold but more like ‘ _I snuck out hours ago_ ’ cold.

Harry bites his lip and balls the duvet in his fists.

_He wouldn’t… Louis wouldn’t leave him like that…_

Harry spends another hour in bed, just refusing to believe it. He stays in bed, waiting for someone who is half way across the Atlantic Ocean at that point. And each minute, his heart breaks a little more.

Louis fucked him and dumped him like a cheap One Night Stand.

There’s hardly a more obvious way to show Harry just what he means to him.

And it shouldn’t hurt as much as it does, after all Harry knew that Louis might regret that night and go back to Aiden but truth be told; that possibility ranked rather low on his list of possible outcomes.

He feels cheap, dirty and used. Fucked and tossed aside.

In the end it shouldn’t come as a surprise, he didn’t treat Louis much better.

Back in L.A., in some fancy hotel room in the morning hours, Harry Styles heart breaks all over and he doesn’t have a clue how to put himself back together this time.

 

_United Kingdom, London, September 2015_

Harry spends weeks in Los Angeles, hiding in his Hollywood home and licking his wounds.

Every time he thought it got better it actually got worse and he’s a total mess. He hasn’t told any of the other boys what happened but they are not stupid, they know it has something to do with Louis.

 _Louis_ , who hasn’t once bothered to call or text.

Harry hates him as much as he loves him these days, screaming at thin air before he breaks down crying and begs for Louis to hold him.

It’s pathetic – he is pathetic – and he’d gladly spend his days lying on the floor staring at nothing if it wasn’t for his record label.

At first, Liam has gently demanded his return to the UK although lately those demands have gotten a little more forceful.

So once again, Harry hasn’t got much choice but packs up his things and returns to a city he’d rather stay clear off.

With the best intentions to bury himself in his work, he shows up bright an early on a Monday morning but when he sees Louis car parked outside and realizes he’ll have to pass his office every time he wants a cup of tea, Harry can’t do it.

Louis Tomlinson, the boy he loves and lost is in there, probably happy and more in love with his stupid boyfriend than ever and Harry looks a total mess. One look and Louis will know.

He’ll know that Harry lied, that he’s still in love with him, possibly never fell out of love with him even so he told him something different. He’ll know how much Harry is hurting, that he can’t go on without Louis. And he’ll know that he never wants to be with Harry again, because Harry has been a dick, he’s been lying to purposefully hurt Louis. And he still hasn’t managed to man up and tell him the truth.

Instead of walking in, Harry walks away.

He gets in his car and once he’s far enough away he calls Nick.

“Harry?”

“Hi mate” his voice sounds a little rough and he quickly swallows to hide it.

“Haven’t heard from you in a long time, thought you forgotten all about good’ol Nick”

“Never” he laughs, it doesn’t even take that much effort. “What are you up to these days?”

“Not much, the usual I guess. You should come round some time?”

“Yeah?”

“Sure, Hazzle. We haven’t been out in ages! I’m sure no one’s shown you a good party in a while”

“No, actually not. I could really use one”

“Is that so?” He can literally see Nick’s smirk.

“Mmh, take my mind off things for a while you know. Have some fun, let loose” Harry shrugs.

“I might just know the place for that” Nick promises.

~

 

Two days later, Harry finds himself in some club, music pounding and sweat slick bodies rubbing against each other. Whatever, Harry doesn’t mind, doesn’t care, is too drunk to care about anything.

Nick grins at him, pressing closer against the boy he’s been dancing with and when a different hand pulls Harry closer, he goes willingly. Some dark haired bloke smiles at him, eyes wide and possibly high as a kite. He tastes of alcohol when he leans down to kiss him and he smells nothing like Louis. Perfect.

When Harry goes home with him later that night, pressed in the sheets and fucked hard, he doesn’t think of blue eyes. He thinks of nothing, too out of it to do much more than take it.

And when he stumbles home in the wee hours of the morning, he’s too exhausted to feel much.

It’s such a nice change to the days before when Harry was locked in his own head, a prisoner to his feelings and thoughts of him and _LouisLouisLouis_ without end.

It’s just what Harry needs and when he wakes up that afternoon without much recollection of the night before, he calls Nick and fixes their next date for that night.

It becomes kind of his life after that.

 

***

 

Louis knocks on Zayn’s door, waiting for the other boy to shout “come in”.

“Hi mate, sorry to interrupt”

Zayn is flicking through a magazine, a frown etched on his face.

“I just wanted to drop these off, interview requests for Harry…” Louis stops mid-sentence when he’s finally close enough to see what Zayn is staring at. Without a word, he turns the magazine around for Louis to see the pictures.

It’s Harry, well it looks like Harry only that…

Drawing the magazine closer, Louis eyes flick from one photo of Harry and Nick falling out of a club to another in which Harry is snogging off the face of some girl. There’s also a blurry shot, claiming it’s Harry and Nick, “living it up”. The only thing Louis can see for sure are two blokes locked in a heated kiss.

He lets go of the magazine like it burned his skin, tumbling back.

 _Nonononononono_.

“I never asked, not once when you left L.A. in the middle of the night or when Harry limped down the next morning and told us he wasn’t flying back with us but I’m asking now. And don’t dare to bullshit me, Tomlinson. What happened?”

“I…” Louis’ eyes flick over to the magazine again, to the picture of Harry and Nick – fucking Nick Grimshaw of all people – kissing. “We… he…”

“Spit it out” Zayn snaps at him.

“We kissed. He… knocked on my door late at night and… God, we were both drunk and… we kissed and then I…”

“You what?”

“I fucked him and left, okay?! That’s what I did” Louis yells at Zayn. “I fucked him, I… I… used him and then I snuck out on him, left without a word or a note and I feel like such a shit for it but…” Louis takes a shuddering breath, “I left”

“Wow, just when I was sure you two wouldn’t find new ways to hurt each other you surprise me again” Zayn shakes his head. “I thought you had another argument or something, I never thought… why, Louis?”

Louis sinks down onto Zayn’s plush carpet like a wet sheet. “Because I am a dick. And I’m helpless whenever Harry looks at me in a certain way. My brain goes all fuzzy and I stop thinking. Well… that’s not true. I don’t stop thinking, it’s just that all I think about is _HarryHarryHarry_. And you want to know why?” Louis doesn’t wait for Zayn’s answer. “Because I learned nothing, because I still fall for the het-boy who occasionally likes to pull blokes. Because I love Harry fucking Styles to the moon and back – again – still – always. I’m so fucked Zayn”

Zayn pushes his chair back and walks over, sinking to the floor in front of Louis.

“What about Aiden?” he asks softly and Louis feels like crying.

“I’m trying. I have tried so hard to be in love with him. I mean, he’s perfect right? Clever, pretty and he adores me” Louis pulls at some random fibers in Zayn’s carpet. “He is perfect Zayn but I can’t love him. I tried so hard and…”

“Lou, babe, stop” Zayn grabs his hands, saving his carpet from being shredded. “You are either in love with someone or you’re not. Jeeze, you shouldn’t even have to try, Lou” he pulls Louis head to his shoulder and it’s the final shove Louis needed. He clings to Zayn and starts crying.

Something he hasn’t done in ages but as soon as his nose is buried in Zayn’s soft shirt, the familiar mix of smoke and Zayn’s favorite perfume hitting his nose, Louis starts bawling.

“I’m fucking everything up. Why can’t I just forget him and move on?” He looks up through teary eyes.

“I don’t know, Lou. Maybe because you two are not done yet” Zayn runs his hand soothingly through Louis hair. “Have you talked about… well, you know ‘ _you_ ’?”

“No” rubbing over his eyes, Louis shakes his head. “Between me running off like a dickhead, coming home and trying to appease Aiden… I didn’t really have time… or the guts to call Harry” He looks over to Zayn’s desk where the colorful proof of Harry’s recent deeds is still on display. “And I don’t think he’d have much time between fucking every upcoming model and blowing Nick Grimshaw”

“He’s cancelled each and every meeting we had scheduled to work on his album and… he doesn’t really take Liam’s or my calls either. The only one he occasionally talks to is Niall”

“And that’s supposed to make me feel what – better?”

“No. All I’m trying to say is… maybe it’s not just you who can’t get over it?”

Louis physically recoils from Zayn. “You heard him” he spits and Zayn looks confused.

“That day last year. You heard what he said, didn’t you?”

“I… parts of it”

“You heard him say that he wasn’t gay, didn’t you? That I basically forced myself on him and he never had time to live it up and figure out what he wants”

“Mate, you know as well as I do that it wasn’t Harry talking back then”

“Really? Cause it looked and sounded a fucking lot like Harry” Louis gets back up, hurt replaced by the well-known feeling of anger.

“Talk to him, Lou. Seriously, you need to talk. This can’t go on like this”

“Seems to be going pretty damn well for him, doesn’t it?”

“No it’s not” Zayn barely raises his voice and when he does, it usually startles everyone so much that they just shut up. “He is _not doing fine_ and it’s everything else but going well, you two morons are just too blind and stubborn to actually acknowledge that the other one’s hurting just as bad. And I am so sick and tired of seeing two of my best mates acting like that!”

“What…?”

“GO AND TALK TO HIM!” Zayn shouts and it’s a testimony at how stressed he is that he messes up his hair, pulling exasperatedly at the strands.

“I don’t… I don’t know how, Zayn” Louis admits quietly. “Like, what do I say?”

Zayn walks back, closing the magazine and leaning against his desk. “That you love him. Still. That you are not fine and you are not over it”

“But…” Louis tries to argue but a stern look from Zayn shuts him up.

“You really aren’t, Lou. Yes, you tried hard and you got yourself a new fancy flat, you’re amazing at your job and you even have a doll of a boyfriend. And still nothing has made you happy. I haven’t seen you smile, properly smile in ages until Harry started coming round. When you get to take the piss off him for being a little health freak or when you argue about FIFA… it’s the happiest and most content I have seen you in months, Louis”

“’S not true, I have been happy”

“No. You _tried_ hard to be happy but you have never _just been_ happy” Zayn grabs both of his shoulders, making sure Louis looks at him. “It might not work out. He might shoot you down but everything has to be better than this, Louis. Wanting but unable to have, guessing but never really knowing… it’s killing you”

“But what do I do if he says no?” Louis whispers barely audible.

“Then you’ll break and you cry and you scream. And Liam, Niall and I will be right there next to you, helping you get back up”

“I don’t know…” Louis can barely get the words out but Zayn seems to guess what he means.

He’s done it once and apparently he didn’t do much of a good job at it. How he’s supposed to go through the heartbreak again and actually come out alive is beyond Louis.

“Can’t tell you that, Lou. But either way, it’s killing you and it has to stop” Zayn looks at him and it’s the pleading look and the urgent “please” he mutters that causes Louis to nod.

He might not yet know how or when to approach the subject but he promises Zayn. And menace that he is, Zayn is not going to let it go so Louis might as well start planning for his funeral.

 

***

 

Everything is muted and a little fuzzy around the edges, almost like everything has its own halo.

He’s pleasantly floating on too many drinks and too little sleep, drifting through the crowd. Bodies brush against him, arms reaching out and Harry loves it. Loves that he feels nothing but happiness and contempt, every other negative thought muted and long forgotten.

He stumbles through the crowd and into Nick, who’s leaning against the bar. Harry slots his body to Nicks, lips running along his neck, licking at the slightly damp skin.

“You good?”

Harry nods enthusiastically. He’s fucking fantastic. Happily drunk and still floating on the pill Nick slipped him a while ago. Everything’s prefect.

“Mmmmh, want you” Harry purrs next to Nick’s ear.

“Do you now?!” Nick turns around with a husky laugh, going straight for Harry’s crotch.

He’s been half hard for a while, thanks to dancing and rubbing his body all over anyone within reach and Nick’s practiced strokes do nothing to… calm down his problem.

“Isn’t that a cute little cherub you got there, Nick?” Harry pries his lips away from Nick’s neck with some difficultly, trying to focus on the voice.

A man is leaning against the bar, an appreciative glance on his face when he looks Harry up and down.

“He’s a doll” Nick confirms. “Good to play with”

“Looks like it”

“Love, say hi to James, will you”

Harry takes an unsteady step and holds out his hand, smiling brightly. “Hey”

“No, no, no. A _proper_ hello”

Harry gives Nick a confused look and the older man rolls his eyes. “James is a _very_ good friend of mine…” the grin has something predatory. “A really, good, old friend of mine. We _share_ a lot”

Harry still draws a blank at that so it sits somewhat uneasy with him.

“Still so innocent… Even when he’s been hanging out with you” James walks slowly up to Harry.

“Don’t judge him too quickly, little Harry here likes it dirty”

“Does he now?” Something flashes in the eyes of the other man.

Nick just laughs, pushing Harry forward until he’s within James reach. Strong hands are wrapped around his wrist and while Harry is still trying to say ‘ouch’ a hand which definitely doesn’t belong to Nick squeezes his dick.

He’s so shocked for a second that he can’t do more than stare.

“Right tease, aren’t you?” the hand still hasn’t moved and while Harry’s been to enough bars and clubs in the last couple of weeks for the sole purpose of getting laid, having some stranger come up to him and palm him without much preamble is a little too forward for Harry.

He steps back – well, he tries. The hand around his wrist suddenly clamps down tighter.

“Don’t be rude, Harry” Nick comes up behind him, pressing himself to his back. “James just wants to play a little”

“Nick, please” He hopes his friend catches the desperate tone, sees that Harry really doesn’t want to do that.

“Didn’t you listen?” Nick sneaks his hand under his shirt, pinching his nipple hard. “James is a good friend of mine”

“I don’t… feel well. Please Nick, can we just go home?”

“I’m not in the mood for going home yet” Nick’s voice has lost the last trace of humor, the hand roaming Harry’s chest not arousing but locking him in place. “You said you need to let lose. That’s what we’re going to do now”

“I…” He looks back between the two men, only met by hungry stares. He’s certainly not up for that.

“Move, Harry. You’ve been a slut all week, fucking people left and right. Don’t act all innocent now”

“Please” Nick shoves Harry forward, both man slowly walking him towards the back of the club.

“Don’t play coy, this is exactly what you wanted! You’ve been asking for it Harry, and you’ll get it like the dirty, little slut you are”

“I never… no, that’s not…” He stutters, having trouble to form the words in his drugged brain. He feels oddly disconnected from his body, like his limbs don’t belong to him. Every movement seems to take ages and while his brain is up to speed with what’s happening here, the rest of his body has yet to catch up.

“Take him to the back room, will you? I’ll be there in a second” Nick lets go of him, shoving him into James arms. Resistance is futile, his body isn’t his anymore and Harry gets dragged through the club like a rag doll.

Basically thrown through the door of the disabled toilets – a sign clearly stating they’re out of order – Harry slams hard into the wall.

Oh God, why? Nick is a friend for crying out loud. Why does he do this to Harry?! This can’t be happening, not to him… not like this… _nonononono_.

James is still standing in the door way, door half closed and apparently talking to someone.

Harry might be drugged and on the verge of panic but he’s still conscious enough to fumble for his phone, hitting speed dial.

It rings, thank God. Twice, three, four times until… the call is disconnected.

He saw it was him, and he ignored the call.

Harry might never have needed Louis help more and Louis dismissed him in the blink of an eye.

 

***

 

It’s one of those nights again where he tosses and turns and can’t sleep even if his life depended on it.

“You’re okay?” Aiden whispers in the dark and Louis gives up pretending he’s fast asleep.

“No. Can’t sleep” He swings his legs out of bed, checking the time. It’s past 3am and he’s wide awake, feeling agitated for no apparent reason. “I’m gonna get a drink”

Padding barefooted into the kitchen, Louis gulps down a glass of water when he suddenly hears the familiar sound of his phone vibrating. No call Louis ever received in the middle of the night was a good call…

Oh God, his mum. Or one of his sisters. What if Zayn was in an accident? Has something happened to Niall? He quickly puts the glass back down, making it to the bedroom in time to see Aiden glance at the display before he rejects the call.

“Aiden?”

The other boy looks up, biting his lip and clearly not comfortable to have been caught.

“Who was that?”

“No one”

“No one? That’s why you bothered to reject the call?”

He doesn’t say anything and Louis holds out his hand. “Give me my phone please”

“It was nothing, Lou”

“Well can I be the judge of that?”

There it is again, the underlying tension that has been present ever since they got back from L.A., their make-up at best a makeshift attempt.

“It was Harry” Aiden spits and throws Louis phone at him.

Dumbstruck, Louis blinks. True to his word, there’s a missed call from Harry Styles.

“He’s probably high or drunk or both. It’s 3am Lou… let it go”

Louis nods, getting back to bed and Aiden waits for him to put the phone down before he switches off the lights.

3am… Harry hasn’t called in weeks.

Harry has been avoiding him ever since Louis ran out on him. He doesn’t really do drunk calls, well yes, he did when they were still together. Because Louis always wanted to hear from Harry when he went out, needed to know Harry was safe. Has promised Harry he could call anytime if he was in trouble…

 _It’s 3 am and Harry called_.

Louis shoots out of bed before Aiden can react, already dialing while he flicks the light back on.

It rings, endless seconds before…

“Lou?”

God he sounds so out of it.

“Harry! You called!”

“I…” he breaks off, his voice too slow, too heavy and still Louis can hear the tears in it. “I fucked up, Lou… I fucked up so badly…”

“Where are you? What happened?”

“I don’t want to go with him…” now the tears are more prominent, the shaking has increased as well and Louis is fumbling with his sweats, trying to pull them on at the same time he’s reaching for his shirt.

“Who? Who are you talking about? Has someone hurt you?”

“Please, Lou…”

“Harry – Haz – babe, where are you?” Louis is nearing a panic attack of his own.

Before Harry can answer, Louis hears a door slamming and someone yelling “get off the phone you fucking prick” and then the line just goes dead.

Louis blinks at his phone for a second before he trips and falls hard in his haste to get his keys and wallet.

“What are you doing?” he didn’t even hear Aiden getting up.

“I’m going to get Harry”

“Are you fucking serious?” He’s angry, looking at Louis disbelieving. Blocking the door, blocking his way to Harry. There’s no rational thought, no words really, to explain what Louis is feeling that second but he knows he will take Aiden apart if he doesn’t step out of his way.

“Aiden” Louis voice is shaking with panic, fear and anger. “I swear if you don’t step aside now I will _make you_ ”

Aiden looks at him for a second before he – thank God – wordlessly steps aside and Louis runs out of the flat.

Harry might not have been able to tell him where he is but he’s got an iPhone and even so Louis presses the wrong button more times than he has patience for, he eventually manages to get the maps open, a little blue needle showing him where he is and then… a purple dot shows up, indicating where Harry must be.

Louis knows that part of town, is familiar with the shabby club that’s located there.

“Fuck, Harry! What have you gotten yourself into now?” he pulls away from the curb with screaming tires, knowing he needs to get there now.

 

***

 

Harry’s head is roughly yanked back by his hair, a scream dying on his lips.

He feels too weak to fight by now, having been pushed around by Nick and the other guy for what feels like hours.

Luckily, Nick gave up the idea of fucking him dry when Harry wouldn’t stop wriggling, but his back still hurts from the attempts and if he’s not mistaken, Nick had blood on his fingers.

Everything hurts really, his back and jaw being the worst.

Having left them at some point, Harry is alone with James now and while he does like it rough, he certainly doesn’t like _this_ kind of rough.

“Open the fuck up, you little tease” James presses hard against his lips, fingers digging in Harry’s jaw and he’s afraid he’ll break it for a second.

Obediently he parts his lips, gagging when James rams his cock down his throat.

Tears spring to his eyes, even so he’s been crying non-stop ever since the nightmare started.

Harry is pretty sure that’s as much as he can take, he’s sputtering and gagging and feels like he’s going to choke any minute now.

He doesn’t even realize the door flies open and James is gone until he falls back on the tiles, spluttering and spitting, feeling vomit crawl up his throat.

“What the—“ there’s a rather distinctive noise of bones hitting flesh and when he manages to lift his head, Harry briefly thinks he’s dreaming.

Because surely Louis Tomlinson isn’t standing in a shady club, basically lifting the other man up by his shirt and judging by the trail of blood on James lips, it was his face colliding with Louis fist.

Harry didn’t even know Louis could get that angry, he’s so tiny that it’s surprising to see him basically lift a man twice as heavy he is.

“Get the fuck away from him”

Harry realizes it isn’t a dream when Louis throws the man in the mirror, shattering it in the process. “I swear to God, get away from him or I will fucking kill you”  
Harry actually believes him.

James seems to be too, because he scrambles back up and after a disgusted glance back at Harry, he quickly ducks out of the bathroom.

Louis still has his back turned towards him, fists clenching and unclenching at his sides like he really wants to smash something but can’t make up his mind what. When he turns around, Harry actually flinches back a little because… he has never seen Louis look angrier. He’s beyond furious it seems.

Stalking over to Harry, he crouches down in front of him and Harry feels more naked and dirty under Louis unrelenting stare than he did all night.

Skinny jeans ripped and dirty, fly undone and boxer only half way up. His shirt is smeared with a mix of the drinks he had as well as the filth of the bathroom floor he’s lying on. Chin covered in a mix of blood, snot and come, Harry is almost certain by now that Louis will just get up and leave. Surely he’s as disgusted with Harry as Harry is with himself.

It’s all the more shocking when the older boy reaches out and carefully tugs a strand of array curls back behind his ear. “Where does it hurt, love?”

Louis voice is so soft and so gentle that Harry can’t even answer, he just starts crying harder.

“Oh, sssh” without a care in the world for his clothes, Louis drops to the floor and quickly cradles Harry in his arms, holding him close. Gently entangling the knots in his hair, his other hand runs soothing circles across his back. He doesn’t pull back, just mutters sweet nonsense in Harry’s ear until he’s calmed down a little.

“Can you get up?” Louis stands up slowly, reaching out for Harry without waiting for the reply. He hefts the taller boy up, making sure Harry’s found some purchase on the wall before he pulls his boxers and pants up, runs a tissue over Harry’s face.

Louis circles his waist, slowly walking Harry out of the bathroom and across the dance floor, sneering at everyone that so much as casts a look in their direction.

Harry just hangs his head in shame, sure people only need to take one look at him and see what a dirty, little slut he is. He’s been asking for something like this to happen really, having gotten more careless with each day, following Nick into clubs he’d normally never set a foot in.

Nick is right, is the thing, Harry has been acting like he wants it, has barely said ‘no’ in the past days. Whether it was to drinks, pills or warm bodies, Harry took what he could get, spending his days in a haze in order to forget that one thing he’d never be able to forget.

And now that Louis has seen him like this, knows what Harry’s been up to, there is no way he’ll ever take him back. Louis Tomlinson doesn’t do damaged goods.

Stumbling out of some side exit, they make it just in time for Harry to quickly scramble out of Louis hold before he falls to the floor and empties his stomach content on the concrete.

“Okay, it’s okay. Calm down, Harry” Louis makes a move to sink down next to him and Harry quickly shakes his head, trying to push him away.

“Go… I’m disgusting. Just go and leave me”

“Fat chance” Louis hurls him up once more, giving Harry barely time to wipe his chin before he walks him down the alley to his car, parked half on the street and half on the pavement.

Ignoring all of Harry’s weak protests, Louis manhandles him into the car and straps him in, handing a bottle of water over.

“Drink, please” he instructs before he walks over to the driver side.

Harry tries to do as he’s told but quickly loses focus, head sinking against the window. The cold glass feels like heaven against his overheated skin and his eyes drift shut on their own accord.

He can’t have been out more than fifteen to twenty minutes when the car stops. Struggling to keep his eyes open, Harry nearly tumbles out of it when Louis yanks his door open.

Even so he must be pissed off at being woken in the middle of the night to pick his drugged and drunk ex-boyfriend up, his fingers are nothing but gentle when he helps Harry up and leads him into the elevator.

For a brief second, Harry is afraid that Louis brought him back to Aiden’s place. It’s only when Louis flicks on some lights and Harry blinks because everything is too bright for him when he realizes this must be Louis new flat.

Resting his head on Louis shoulder, Harry doesn’t ask any questions, just lets Louis walk him through the room and through some endless corridor until they’ve reached the bathroom.

No word is spoken between them while Louis undresses Harry, only gentles touches and reassuring mumbles are exchanged.

“Think you can hold yourself upright in the shower?”

“Y-yes” Harry nods slowly. “I’ll be fine, promise”

Louis looks doubtful but nods unwillingly. Maybe he can sense that Harry is not entirely comfortable standing naked in a bathroom even so Louis gaze never wavered from his face. But the close and naked proximity a shower will bring is a little too much to handle right now.

“I’m going to get you some clothes”

Harry just nods and steps into the hot spray, sighing in relief when his muscles start to relax.

His movements are still uncoordinated but he takes the time to scrub himself up and down until his skin is pink and he is sure there isn’t even the smallest trace of Nick, James or that club left on his skin.

Still feeling vaguely like vomiting, he’s toweling himself off when Louis comes back, holding some worn sweats and a t-shirt as well as a spare toothbrush.

“Thank you” in order to avoid any more awkwardness due to Harry’s nakedness he slips into the sweats first before he reaches for the toothbrush.

Louis is busy stuffing his clothes in a plastic bag and Harry finds that he wishes Louis would burn them. Perhaps he’s planning to, you’ll never know… He’s brushing his teeth with a lot more determination than ever before, thinking he can still faintly taste James on his tongue when Louis hisses.

“Harry…?” he holds up the towel Harry used, the red marks a stark contrast against the white fluff.

Harry feels mortified but can’t escape Louis probing stare.

“Who, Harry?” Louis voice is too calm. “Who do I need to kill?”

“It’s not… he didn’t… he tried but…” Louis hand is on his back suddenly, warm against his cold and clammy skin.

Louis voice is trembling when he asks “He tried but didn’t…?”

Harry shakes his head wildly. “He didn’t”

“Who?”

“Louis…”

“Who Harry?”

“Nick” it’s a breathless whisper, an admission of how much he really fucked up this time.

Louis doesn’t comment on it, just nods with a grim expression. “How are you feeling?”

“Dirty. Kind of out of it… I don’t know… tired. Hurt” Harry puts the toothbrush away. “Please don’t hate me”

Louis makes a choking noise and when Harry turns around, he sees tears brim in the older boy’s eyes.

“I could never” he takes a step closer. “ _Never_ truly hate you Harry”

“But… what I did… not just today… but… it’s… disgusting. You’ll never want to talk to me again when you know. I’ve been… Nick was kinda right… I’ve been asking for it—“

“Stop” Louis shushes him by firmly gripping his shoulder. “Nothing rectifies what they were trying to do. You didn’t deserve this and it wasn’t your fault”

“But… I’ve been acting like a slut and Nick said…”

“Nick is a fucking wanker” Louis states, voice shaking with rage. “You are not a slut”

“But I…”

“You are not a slut” Louis repeats. “You. Are. Not. A. Slut”

Calm, soothing, gentle… Louis voice is what breaks Harry but when he falls this time, Louis is there to catch him.

 

***

 

Louis briefly contemplated putting Harry in the guest room but that idea quickly vanished when the younger boy collapsed in his arms last night.

It wasn’t really a question after that, so Louis brought Harry into his bedroom, tugged him in and held Harry close for the whole night.

Now though, Louis can’t lie still anymore.

Harry is still fast asleep, face relaxed and buried in the pillow. There’s a faint bruise on his jaw and Louis wants to kill every single person who’s ever hurt Harry, starting with Nick Grimshaw.

He never thought he could be that angry but well, you never stop learning, right? And apparently sometimes you can even still surprise yourself.

Unable to keep quiet any longer he slides out of the bed silently, puts on some sweats before he walks into the open kitchen.

Liam took him grocery shopping when he moved in, so Louis has at least some of the basics, probably more. He’s never been the greatest cook (okay, he can’t cook to save his life) but he can try for Harry and he needs something to occupy his hands with.

~

 

That’s how Harry finds Louis, arms deep in pancake dough and with a frustrated frown on his face.

“Need some help?”

Louis turns too quickly, knocking over the mixing bowl and sending it flying to the floor.

“Fuck!”

“Come on, let me…” Harry quickly bends but Louis stops him.

“Stop, don’t okay?”

“I…” Harry is clearly taken aback by the harsh tone. “Sorry”

Louis sighs. “Sit down, yeah?”

“You sure?” Harry points towards the door. “I can… go… it’s no big deal”

“No. Stay… I mean, if you want to go…” Louis groans frustrated. Why can’t he just say it? “I want you to stay, okay?”

“You do?” Harry sounds surprised.

“Yes” Louis nods and begins to clean up the mess he’s made. “I really do”

“Okay” Harry slinks onto one of the bar stoles at the kitchen island.

“Want some toast? I think I still got eggs…?”

“Don’t really feel like eating to be honest… tea would be nice?” his voice is small and timid.

“Sure”

After a while, Harry clears his throat… “So umh… I slept well”

“You should have” Louis still has his back to him, doesn’t dare to look at Harry yet. “It’s your mattress after all”

“What?”

“It’s the same mattress that we… uhm bought for our bed, you know, like the one in our old… bedroom… so… yeah”

“But you got that flat way after…”

“Way after we broke up, yes” Louis turns around and places Harry’s tea in front of him. “Listen Harry, I think we really need to talk”

“Okay” he doesn’t sound too sure and even so Louis can barely hold back now that the words are out and Harry is sitting here, in his kitchen after he spent the night… being the only one who ever spent the night and who was allowed to sleep in that bed.

“I… well, I understand if you’d rather not do it now…”

“No” Harry shakes his head. “I think we really have to do it, especially after what happened last night” holding onto the cup and bowing his head, Harry seems to be talking more to his tea than to Louis. “So… umh, I’ll start?”

“If you want”

“’Kay” Harry takes a deep breath, eyes still downcast. “I’m sorry. Really, truly sorry. I know it doesn’t mean much and it doesn’t change anything but…”

“What happened?” Louis asks gently, giving Harry enough courage to lift his eyes so he’s able to look the other boy in the eyes.

“I happened. Management happened” Harry grabs his cup and wanders over to the window. The sun is out already and it looks like it’s going to be a lovely August day, hot and bright. “I let them in my head, let them use the doubts I had against me, against us…” he sighs and still facing the window Harry starts telling Louis everything.

From the first meeting he had with management when they hinted at him being the future star. From every other meeting that followed until the very last one when they decided to launch the single. Because Louis needs to know this, as much as it hurts and as much as it emphasizes how precisely it was all planned and executed.

It’s anything but nice hearing how far-reaching Harry’s betrayal really went, how many people Louis trusted were truly involved. More than once he wants to get up and shake Harry, yell at him for doing this but he grabs the table and bites his lips, willing himself to stay calm and listen.

Harry’s voice sounds monotone when he recalls it all, like he’s trying to mentally distance himself from it.

“Okay” Louis runs his hands through his hair once Harry is finished. “Like, I get what happened and I even kinda understand why you did it” he smiles sadly when he hears Harry gasp. “Oh Harry, you really think you’re the only one who dreamt about being up there on their own?” Louis shakes his head. “No matter how briefly, I guarantee that thought crossed all our minds and I guess… I understand the pull such an offer has”

Harry turns around then. “You do?”

“I do. What I don’t get is… why you didn’t talk to me. Why you… well, yes we were young and all but… was I really that pushy and horrible? I’d like to think I had listened if you told me you weren’t comfortable with us… being together romantically. It still would have hurt but… well, it’d been better than to be with someone for three years who clearly doesn’t feel the same – or doesn’t even swing that way if you catch my drift?”

Louis cuts Harry off before he can say something.

“And I know we weren’t healthy those last couple of months. I know this and I kept ignoring it, thinking it’d just work out like it always did. Maybe I took you for granted, I don’t know. Thinking no matter what happened, you would always come back to me” He snorts a laugh. “That’s one of the many things I got wrong, isn’t it? But then again I missed that my boyfriend of three years wasn’t even gay nor happy with me so… go figure”

“Stop” Harry cuts in sharply. “Stop right there because… you have no idea, do you?”

Louis, a little surprised by the urgency in Harry’s voice looks up at that. “Nah, I really think I don’t”

“I lied, okay?” Harry pushes himself away from the window. “It was the biggest pile of bullshit ever! I mean, come on, I snogged and fucked more dudes than I can count those last weeks”

“I… what?”

“Oh come on, Louis, I’m sure you saw the pictures!”

“Kinda hard to miss but… I thought you were just fooling around?”

“Yeah right” Harry shakes his head.

“Why did you do it then? Why telling me you weren’t gay or why did you start going to clubs to get fucked by random blokes?”

“You really don’t get it, do you?”

“No Harry, sorry. In all honesty I’m kinda at loss here” Louis snaps, annoyed with Harry’s tone.

“Because of you, Lou” The younger boy spins around, eyes focused on him. “I did all this shit because of you because I can’t… I just can’t pretend anymore and it hurts. And I don’t know how to make it stop!

How did you do it? How did you make it stop? How did you manage to move on, because you have done it, you know. You’re happy and you got all this shit figured out and I’m… I’m just drifting around and I can’t seem to get over it.

You built that record label from scratch, you got back up and went out there, not giving a shit about what anybody else thought, you just did your thing. And you got yourself this perfect boyfriend and relationship and gosh, I’m so sorry because you deserve to be happy. You deserve the fucking best anyone could offer, you should be loved and cared for every day. You should be looked at like you’re the best thing on this planet and… I… I’m a horrible person because I could have done that, should have done it each and every day and God, I hate Aiden for being able to do just that…”

Louis is a little at loss for words, managing only to stutter “But you moved on, you had your album and went out with all these girls in L.A. and…”

“And I hated every second of it. It was nothing compared to what we had. Those girls were nice and pretty but… it wasn’t what I wanted. I didn’t feel anything remotely as close to what I felt when I was with you” Harry admits much quieter. “I’m still here, Lou. Still in the same place where I left you last year. It feels like all I managed to do was take steps backwards instead of moving forward. It took a while but I eventually realized that no record deal, no tour, basically nothing was worth anything to me if I didn’t get to share it with _you_.

And I know how twisted that sounds because I pushed you away in the first place, I told you I was way too young and had nothing figured out. That I needed to grow and be myself, be _by_ myself instead of being a part of _HarryAndLouis_.

The thing is, Lou, that you and I were probably the only thing I had figured out. The only thing I was sure of and… it basically scared the hell out of me.

It frightened me to be honest, thinking that eventually you’d see that I was not what you wanted. Because you’re…” he gestures towards Louis. “…you’re so bright and sure of yourself, you never let people mess you around and…” Harry shrugs. “I’m nothing like that. So I thought it was only a matter of time until you would grow bored of me and you would start looking for a ‘real’ man and I’d be left alone, being nothing but a half of something that was no more.

So in the end, I still haven’t moved from where I left you, Louis. I have nothing to show for the time we’ve been apart except regrets. Wishing for something I can never have again”

Louis blinks, feeling his heart beat rapidly in his chest.

“You, Harry Edward Styles, are truly the most stupid fuck I have ever met!”

Harry huffs, eyes wide. “Now that’s something nice to say”

“You…” Louis pulls at his hair. “God, how can one single human being be so fucking dumb and blind?! Don’t _you_ fucking get it?

I have nothing – _zero, nada – nothing_ figured out!

I mean, I bought the same bed, okay? We have been separated for months and the best thing I can come up with is go out and buy the exact same mattresses we used to have in _our_ house. It’s such a minor detail but so stupid and… God, Harry! Don’t you see it?

I got this fancy job, a new lush flat and this gorgeous boyfriend who will never – _never_ – sleep in this bed with me and you want to know why?

Because it’s your side! It’s the side of the bed _you_ sleep on and no one ever gets to take that fucking place. It’s where you belong, okay, _where you’ll always belong_ – at least for me.

I’m so damn great at moving on, aren’t I? Jesus Harry, I’m so fucking hung up on you, I can’t even see straight and I’m certainly and most definitely not over it!”

“You—what are you saying?” Harry looks at him like he suddenly doesn’t understand English anymore.

Louis laughs, but it comes out like a sob. “It’s not that hard, really. But I’ll spell it out for you:

You, Harry, broke my fucking heart when you dumped me. And still… God, I love you, okay?! I love you. I have never stopped loving you not even when you went and left me”

“But… you’re with Aiden and happy?”

“The fuck I’m happy! I’m happy when I’m with you and yes, I have Aiden but I don’t love him, I don’t think I’ve ever really been in love with him and…”

Louis sinks down on the chair, face buried in his arms. “I’m not over it and I’ll never be” He mutters.

Silence stretches between them and Louis thinks this is it. He’s said it and now Harry will turn around and leave.

“Harry, I need you either to leave or say something, okay? Because this is it, you know? There’s nothing more I can say or do. I need you to say something or I’m giving up on—“

Louis is yanked up from his position, and he can just catch his breath before he’s drowning in Harry’s embrace.

“I love you, I love you, I love you” the words are muffled, Louis face pressed tightly into Harry’s shoulder but he hears them anyway. “I’m so sorry. Oh God, Lou please. I am so, so, so sorry and I love you. I need you… I please…”

Harry’s breath catches and he starts to hiccup, getting himself so worked up that Louis pulls away and without thinking twice about it, presses his lips to Harry’s.

“Hush… calm down, I’m right here” he mumbles against the other boy’s lips, bringing his hands up to cup his face.

“I’m right here, Harry. I’m not going to leave” he runs his hands through his hair, hoping to calm him down with this familiar motion. “Breathe for me babe”

He waits, lips pressed to Harry’s, until he feels him starting to breathe more evenly before he sits back down.

“Good?”

Harry nods. “Getting there” he admits, wiping his eyes. “So… umh… where do we go from here?” he asks shyly.

“Where do you want it to go?”

“I want to go back in time, to the day when I thought it’d be a good idea to go solo and to leave you and kick myself so hard in the balls that I’d still be seeing stars now” Harry grins. “Since that can’t happen, I guess, I’d like to spend today, tomorrow and every other day of my life making it up to you”

“Every other day of your life?” Louis cocks his head. “That’s quite a long time, Haz”

“Seems kinda short to me”

“You’re a sap” but he’s smiling.

“Seriously, Lou. I—anything, okay? I’d do anything”

“I don’t mean to be a party pooper but… have you thought this through? Are you sure this” He motions between himself and Harry. “Is really what you want? Because I can’t go through this again, Haz. I’m all in but I need to know you are too”

“What I did…” Harry takes a step back, playing with the hem of his shirt, “I fucked up. I ruined everything we built, I ruined us, Lou. I have never regretted anything more in my entire life. Believe me, I spent months think about this and I’ve never been more sure of anything.

I want you. And I want it all with you. Kids, house, growing old. Whenever I think about my future, you’re always there and I… I want this. I’m all in, Lou”

It’s quite possible that Louis heart is about to burst. He’s never felt happier, more relieved and just so much in love with this stupid boy in front of him.

“Okay” he lets go of a breath he didn’t even know he was holding.

“Okay?” Harry echoes and Louis nods.

“But I… I need to tell Aiden” he waits until Harry nods slowly. “And I’d really like to do it sooner than later. I guess he kinda knows anyway but…”

“It’s only fair, I get it” Harry tries a small smile. “After all I’m stealing you from him”

“Nah, he can’t steal something that’s been yours all along”

“Wow. Who’s the sap now?”

“But you love it!”

“I really do” Harry nods and Louis can’t help it, doesn’t want to help it, when that broad smile appears on his face.

 

~

 

He gives Harry a chaste kiss before he leaves, not wanting to push it any further before he knows Harry is well and truly over what happened last night. He seems okay now, but Louis knows that the memories will come to haunt the younger boy eventually.

Only that he’ll be there from now on to make sure that Harry is alright.

Aiden opens the door with a stern expression, leading Louis inside. Two bags sitting neatly packed on the floor.

“Well, that certainly saves me some time and trouble”

“You’re really leaving? Not even putting up a fight?”

“I’ve been putting up a fight for too long, Aiden. I’m sorry, okay, I really am. I didn’t mean to hurt you but… I was never really free”

“So you’re going back to him?” Aiden spits and Louis knows he can’t expect him to understand. After all, Aiden’s never seen them together, never knew exactly what Harry means to Louis.

“Yes”

“This is a mistake, Louis”

“Perhaps” He shoulders his bags. “But I’m willing to take that risk”

“He’s going to screw you over” Aiden leans against the doorframe.

Louis shrugs. “I am sorry. I should have known this from the start and I never wanted to drag you into this mess. But I love him, always have, always will. It might end in tears and heartbreak but even if there’s a 0.01% chance that it works out, I’m willing to take it”

Aiden doesn’t say anything, he looks at Louis for a long moment before he closes the door.

It only hurts a little when Louis mutters “Bye Aiden” as he walks back to his car, going _home._

 

~

 

Louis doesn’t drive right back to his flat, instead he’s stopping for more groceries on the way. Not that he needs them, not that he’d even know what to do with the stuff he just bought but it buys him a little more time to calm his racing thoughts.

Alone the fact that he basically had to scrap Harry off of the dirty tiles in some shabby club would have been enough to keep his mind occupied for some hours. Never mind the fact that someone tried to force themselves onto his precious boy, hurt him and told him he was a disgusting whore.

It could also be the small but important fact that they finally managed to have The Talk and if Louis is not mistaken…

Jesus, he just broke up with Aiden and… kinda… probably… got back together with Harry?!  
  


So all recent events considered, Louis is a little hesitant when he opens the door to his flat, wondering whether Harry is still even there.

He needn’t have worried, Harry is sprawled out on his sofa, blanket pulled up to his chest and is probably watching some crappy soap opera from what Louis can hear.

Still, he takes a second to simply watch Harry when he walks in, feeling his heart swell in his chest and a smile spreads on his face. Whatever happens, he’s here now.

Harry breathes a soft “Hi”, eyes darting down to the two bags and suitcases set next to Louis feet. “Oh…”

“Yeah. It’s over and done” Louis shrugs. He should probably feel more torn up about it, guilty even but he just can’t. Not when Harry is looking at him with a mix of relief and guilt.

“Are you… do want me to leave? Have some time to think, maybe?”

Louis shakes his head, walking over and crouching in front of the couch. Before he can tell himself off, he’s reaching out, pulling Harry’s forehead against his. “No. Please no more time to think or being alone. I’ve had quite enough of it, babe”

Harry softly traces his finger along Louis cheek. “Okay” it’s a breathy whisper, followed by the soft touch of Harry’s lips on his. “I probably should feel guilty for breaking you and Aiden up but I can’t. I’m a bad person but I’ve missed you so much”

“I missed you, too” Louis pecks Harry’s lips again, making the younger boy whine slightly when he pulls back, getting up.

“How are you feeling?” Louis cocks his head and Harry has half a mind to just say ‘fine’ but he sees Louis eyes narrow and swallows the lie down.

“I don’t know. Weird”

“Does it still hurt?”

“A little. I nicked some Advil”

Nodding, Louis scoots back a little and sits down on his coffee table. “So what… I mean you don’t have to tell me but… why did you do it?”

Harry frowns as if he’s not really understanding the question. “You mean… go out and?”

“Mmh, go out and _stuff_ ”

“Oh” drawing his knees close, Harry rests his chin on them. “I guess… I wanted to forget you? Like after what happened in L.A…. I thought you’d used me and tossed me aside… like a dirty one night stand?” he shrugs. “And… well, it was my fault for not telling you sooner but… umh… I’m kinda arse over tits in love with you and I thought that night would miraculously change things between us when all it did was push us further apart? I don’t know how to explain it, really.

It was stupid and when it backfired I was hurt. I was sulking and hurt and angry and… I couldn’t get over you. So the best I could come up with was to numb these feelings, like, I thought if I kept myself in some kind of haze where I didn’t have to feel much, where I didn’t have to think about you, I’d get over it?”

“Oh Haz, I’m sorry. That was such a shit move on my part. I shouldn’t… I shouldn’t have snuck out like that, I should have called and… fuck. I thought nothing had changed for you, that all it was, was some sentimental fuck with your ex and… I’m an idiot. Can you forgive me?”

“If you can forgive me for being an even bigger idiot?”

“I think somewhere along the way I just did” Louis says honestly and with that some life returns to Harry’s eyes.

“Are we done with hurting each other, then?”

“I’d really like that, yes”

“I’d like to have you back” Harry confesses, eyes wide.

“As in…?”

“Boyfriend” he clarifies.

It shouldn’t be so surprising, not after this morning and the teary-eyed ‘I love you’s’ they’d exchange. However, it still causes Louis heart to stutter and his breath to catch.

“Like I know it’s soon and with all the history…” Harry chews on his lips and Louis can literally see him withdraw, getting self-conscious and unsure again. “Forget I said anything. It’s silly, you just broke up with Aiden and…”

“Harry” he tries a smile and succeeds. “Yes. Okay”

“Yes?”

“Yes to boyfriends. I’m sick and tired of having to tiptoe around you. I can’t promise it’ll go smoothly, though, but I really, really want to make this work again”

“Okay” Harry hides his smile behind his knees but Louis can still see it in his eyes.

“Now… I went to the store and bought all this stuff” Louis points to the two bags of groceries sitting in the entrance. “I don’t have a clue what it is and I don’t even know if I need it but… umh… there are some of your favorite cookies in there as well as some sort of mowed grass you love to drink so…?”

“I guess I’ll unpack?”

“Sounds like a plan, babe” Louis gets up and grabs the two bags of clothes he brought over. “Then I’ll just chuck my clothes back into my closet”

 

He’s just started to unpack his stuff, when Harry pokes his head into the bedroom.

“Sorry, I just…” he takes a small step inside and Louis stops, waiting for Harry to continue. “I just…”

“I won’t bite. Not unless you ask me to” Louis grins. “Spit it out, Haz”

“These are my clothes” Harry blurts and pulls on the black shirt and sweats he’s wearing. “And that’s like… _our_ bed, you know with the same sheets and mattress and everything. And I didn’t snoop or anything, I was just cold so I went in here and out of habit opened the first drawer where I used to keep my oversized hoodies and…” Harry walks over to said chest of drawers, opening the first drawer and pointing at some of his favorite hoodies Louis kept. “I don’t understand, Lou. Why didn’t you burn them?” there are tears in his eyes and Louis quickly drops his shirt, walking over to wipe them away.

“Because as much as I hated you sometimes – I still loved you more. Still do, Harry. I love you. Only you. As much as it hurt, I’d rather have the memory of you” he runs his hand over one of the hoodies. “Traces of you, no matter how faint or well hidden they are than to have nothing at all.

I don’t regret anything. Yes, there are things I’d rather have left out…” Harry chuckles through his tears at that but his eyes never leave Louis. “But if we play this right, Harry, than I think we can come out of this stronger than before. I still need you, I still love you and I still want you”

“Forever?”

“And ever” Louis runs his hands through Harry’s soft curls. “I just want to do it right this time”

“What do you mean?”

Entwining his other hand with Harry’s, he squeeze his fingers tight. “I’m not letting go of you. Not if you don’t want me to. Not here. Not anywhere”

“Anywhere?” Realization dawns slowly. “Lou?”

“Mmh. Not anywhere. Not for anyone. I don’t care who sees”

“You don’t have to…”

“I know. The difference is that _I want to_ now” he gets up on his toes, kissing Harry softly. “ _Mine_ ” he mumbles.

“ _Yours_ ” Harry answers immediately.

 

~

 

Later on, when they’re cuddled up on the couch, Louis brings out a black sharpie.

And if Harry gets papped the day after, leaving Louis apartment smiling and with a small ‘L’ written on his right hand, mirroring his cross tattoo on his left, then well… it’s not like Louis never marked him up  in that way before.

The only difference is that now, neither of them is called into a meeting. Neither of them is getting sent out on some stupid date with some girl. Neither of them has to deny or confirm anything.

When Harry leaves Louis apartment the next morning, he does so in one of Louis hoodies. With a smile on his face. And the promise to see his _boyfriend_ later on.

Harry muses that this, that moment right there, is what freedom feels like.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Beta'd by Dutchie - thank you so much for taking the time to proof read and for your suggestions & ideas!
> 
>  
> 
> And to everyone who's reading: Loving all your comments and thank you for leaving kudos! Glad you're enjoying this as much as I loved writing it!


	11. When Everything meant Everything (Forever is just a heartbeat away)

“So this one?” Harry holds up some papers and Louis stops running his hand through his curls for a second to reach out and take them.

They’ve spent the weekend in a soft bubble of ignorance and neglect for the outer world, holed up at Louis flat. Harry only went back to Niall’s for a quick change of clothes and to grab a bag with some more to keep at Louis flat. Neither of them turned their mobiles back on before Monday morning.

It’s been cozy, warm and safe – everything Harry needed to put himself back together. Everything both of them needed to slowly find their way back to each other. Whenever Harry got insecure Louis would be there, reassuring him with gentle touches and mumbled words. Harry still wonders how Louis managed to forgive him for what he’s done.

Nobody said it was easy but no matter how hard it sometimes is, no matter how hard it will be, Louis hand is firmly wrapped around Harry’s and he’ll know that as of now, Louis is never going to let him go. And neither is Harry.

 

Louis drove them to the office that morning and they ended up on the couche in one of the recording studios. Harry’s sprawled half across Louis, back plastered to his chest while Louis softly caresses his hair. They’ve been looking through potential album tracks for an hour now, still uninterrupted by the outside world.

“I like this song” Louis holds up some other lyrics and Harry nods.

“You know… I always…” Harry cuts of. The thought is a little random, a tad stupid.

“Say it” Louis pokes his finger in-between Harry’s ribs, making the younger boy squeak.

“Okay, okay, you tiny meanie”

“Insulting me after just two days, Harold? I think I need to reconsider taking you back”

“Don’t you ever” Harry turns around in Louis holds, face pressed in the nap of Louis neck.

“Never” Louis whispers softly in his ear and Harry eases his death grip on Louis shirt a little. He knows Louis is joking but… gentle fingers caress his back and even so Louis doesn’t apply a lot of pressure, the tension in Harry’s back vanishes. It takes a moment for Harry to realize that Louis is idly drawing “I love you” on his skin and he holds onto him a little tighter.

It’s irrational but he’s still afraid Louis will just turn around one minute and tell him he made up his mind and no, he doesn’t want Harry back, that the pain cut too deep. He’s a bit clingy and needy and it should be the other way around really, Harry should be comforting and assuring Louis. Luckily, Louis doesn’t seem to mind one bit, quite the contrary really.

“Now tell me” Louis breath tickles his ear and Harry rubs his nose along his shirt.

“I always thought Zayn would rock those high notes” Harry tells Louis shirt. “And I also thought Liam would ace that passage in ‘Love you like you’re leaving’ and I want Niall to play guitar and sing along to ‘Can’t get enough’ and I really want to sing ‘Second Chance’ and ‘Kiss it better’ with you, I want you to sing a solo in them because they were written for your voice and I want…” Harry stops, slowly lifting himself up on Louis chest.

“Harry…” Louis cocks his head. “Have we… all this time?”

“Not at the beginning but… well… would you?”

“I think we need to talk to Zayn and the rest, babe” Harry shivers at the endearment.

“Okay”

 

~

 

Zayn is not in his office and since Niall’s door is wide open too, there’s only one possibility left.

Louis doesn’t knock, he just drags Harry along, barging into Liam’s office.

“Good morning, fellas” Three pairs of eyes narrow suspiciously.

“Well. At least he’s still alive” Zayn chucks his phone on Liam’s desk.

“Not that he bothered to call back or text during the weekend” Liam adds.

“So you think we’ll get an explanation now?” Niall waves a magazine through the air and if Louis had to take a wild guess, it’s the one with the picture of Harry leaving his flat on Sunday.

Louis pulls Harry closer. “An explanation?”

“Would be nice, you know. First you two don’t talk to each other and Harry does his best to die of alcohol poisoning, then you disappear for the weekend and neither of you answers the phone and—“ Liam breaks off mid-sentence when Louis whirls Harry around and kisses him hard in front of everyone.

It’s… a little unexpected but Harry takes about 0.2 seconds to wrap his arms around Louis and pull him closer, allowing Louis to lick into his mouth. It’s the most intense kiss they shared ever since they got back together.

Only when Zayn clears his throat loudly, Louis pulls back and Harry is left in a bit of a haze. Who can blame him? Those lips are fucking addictive and he’s been suffering from withdrawal for far too long.

“So your explanation is to ravish Harry in front of us?”

“No, my explanation is to ravish _my boyfriend_ in front of you. It’s nothing you haven’t seen before so no need for those wide, shocked eyes, Liam”

“But…” Liam stutters. “You don’t even talk to each other…”

“Umh, we do now. Again. Like we talked this weekend. About everything and… umh. Us? Like what happened and where we’d wanna go from here and…” Harry stumbles over his words.

“You asked me to get my shit together and talk to Harry, didn’t you Zayn? Well, we did. We sorted it out. Well, we’ll be sorting it out and working on it because… you know” He lifts Harry’s and his entwined hands up. “I love him”

There’s a stunned silence. Then…

“I might possibly barf” Niall declares while Zayn just sighs loudly. “Hallelujah. Finally”

“So you’re going to be obnoxiously cute and cuddly again? Unable to keep your hands to yourself?” Niall asks but he’s grinning.

“PDA nonstop? No more using the key to get into your house but knocking again so we don’t catch you humping each other on the couch once more?” Liam asks.

“Being sickeningly in love? Only this time it’s the “forever and always” kinda shit? Oh – shotgun best man, by the way!” Zayn adds with a big grin.

“Are you quite done yet?” Louis pulls Harry close, the taller boy going easily, fitting himself to Louis side.

“Nah… not yet. We had to wait almost a year to tease you again”

“But you know…” Liam grins. “This is pretty great” he motions between Harry and Louis. “I’m happy for you”

“Me too” Zayn comes up and quickly hugs both of them before Niall literally jumps them and presses wet kisses all over their cheeks.

Harry is still fighting Niall off when he sees Zayn put a hand on Louis shoulder, both exchanging one of those private and secretive looks Harry had been jealous of ever since he broke up with Louis and him and Zayn became so close. But now he can see Zayn’s smile, Louis smiling even brighter in return and Harry just can’t be jealous of that. Because he knows deep down what – _who_ – put that kind of smile on Louis face.

Once everyone has settled down and Louis has pulled Harry up on his lap, Louis addresses one of the two issues they orignially intended to talk about before Niall slobbered all over them.

“So I guess you all figured out that I broke it off with Aiden” Harry nuzzle closer to Louis, nose rubbing along his neck. Let his older boyfriend deal with business, Harry is too happy to give a toss about anything or anyone else.

“We hoped you would, yes” Liam laughs.

“Glad you place that much trust in me, Li. I just wanted to run some things by you first, like… well. Dealing with the press”

“Okay” Zayn sits up a little straighter. “I guess they already caught onto something since Harry was papped leaving your flat”

“We can just ignore it or if you want, deny it?” Liam offers.

“No. Definitely no more denying”

“Lou… are you sure about this?” Liam doesn’t sound worried, there’s even a small smile tugging at his lips.

“No more hiding. No more denying. I’m sure about this. _We_ are sure about this” he looks over to Harry, who nods insistently.

“So… we’ll do what?”

“Neither confirm nor deny for a while. We’ll just carry on and ignore them and eventually, once we’ve had a bit of time, we’ll come out. Release a statement, do an interview or a twitcam or whatever”

“Okay” Zayn nods.

“Okay?”

“Yes, Harry. I think that sounds pretty damn good. I’m glad you two… are back together and I’m really happy that you’re willing to take this step – together”

“Are you crying, Niall?” Harry asks after a second and Louis follows his gaze. Indeed, Niall is wiping his eyes.

“No! Never! It’s just… look at you two…” he turns to Liam. “They’ve grown up so much, haven’t they? I remember like it was yesterday when Harry came over, asking how to put on a condom so he could pop Louis’ cherry”

That earns him a laugh and a whack over the head from Louis with the rolled up papers he’s grabbed from Harry’s back pocket.

“Shut up, you little leprechaun! Here, take a look at that rather than sticking your nose where it doesn’t belong”

Niall makes grabby hands at the papers but still glares at Louis. He hands some of them to Zayn and Liam as well, giving the other boys a couple of minutes to read them through.

“Well” Liam finally states. “I guess these are songs. And as far as I can see it’s a mix of the stuff Zayn, Niall, Harry, you and I wrote? For Harry’s new album?”

“Would have been my guess, too” Zayn flicks through the sheets. “I just don’t get what the names next to the courses and verses are supposed to say”

“Harry” Louis nudges him.

“The names indicate who I want to sing those lines”

“Who…?” Zayn looks taken aback before he quickly scans the page again. “But…”

“It’s not just _my_ album, really is it?” Harry sits up a little straighter. “It’s _our_ album”

“Harry no, we…”

“We all worked on this. These are our songs, Liam. Just…  think about it. Think how much better each song would sound if we sang it – together. Not as Harry Styles but as One Direction”

“H., you wanted to go solo… you wanted –“

“I want my friends back. I want the band back. I want you back up there with me. It’s not half as great as I thought. And you know why? Because when I’m up there I miss Zayn rolling his eyes at each stupid joke I make. I miss Liam trying to pull my pants down and Louis watching out for me so I don’t trip over. I miss grinning at Niall, talking to you on stage. Goofing around. It’s not the same if you’re up there on your own. Because I don’t have you to share it with”

“We can’t…”

“Yes we can, Liam” Louis cuts in. “We can at least give it a try, see how it works out, see how it sounds”

“He’s got you wrapped around his little finger already” Zayn puts the papers down. “You sure, Lou? You really want to go back up there?”

“You don’t?” That silences them all for a while until Niall slowly nods. “Yeah”

At that, Liam comes around, too. “Okay, let’s give it a try. If that’s what you really want Harry?”

“It is what I really, really want” Harry confirms, looking at Louis.

He’s got the best, most supportive boyfriend in the world.

 

~

_London, September 2015_

He’s got the worst, most ignorant boyfriend in the world.

Unfortunately for Harry, he’s also the fittest, sexiest and most addictive person Harry’s ever known which makes for a deadly mix.

Sprawled across one of the sofas in the studio, Harry lifts his head to watch Louis fiddle with the headphones, adjusting the microphone before he gets the get go to start.

They’ve been in the studio nonstop ever since they decided to do it again, writing, rewriting and recording all the songs for the new album. The new One Direction album.

Niall and Liam have taken over the bands twitter account, dropping hint after hint and while Harry didn’t think they’d get much feedback (fans still being upset after their split and absence from public life) twitter crashed once Niall mentioned the words ‘new album’.

Perhaps they aren’t alone in this, perhaps they never were. So they doubled their efforts, spending days and nights in the studio and it’s not that Harry minds it’s just… well, that Louis won’t touch him.

Okay, that’s not entirely true, of course Louis touches him. He’ll run his hands through his hair, trace soft patterns over Harry’s skin, kiss and cuddle him and it’s all lovely and great but Harry really, really, really wants to get down, dirty and naked.

He’s spent enough time at Louis new flat to have seen the older boy come out of the shower, flimsy towel wrapped casually around his hips and – _good gracious_ when did Louis get those abs?!

Ever since then, Harry has been staring at Louis tummy, willing the fabric of every t-shirt to spontaneously catch fire and fall off him. Louis has shot him numerous glances because of his weird behavior but it’s really not Harry’s fault that his boyfriend is just so droolworthy.

And Harry appreciates Louis concern, knows that he had quite a couple of rough nights when recent events came to haunt him in his sleep and he woke up drenched in sweat, with the memory of strange hands all over his body.

Louis, still sleepy himself, would pull Harry back down, mumbling sweet nothings in his ear, sooth and comfort him, stay up until he was sure Harry was alright and peaceful asleep. Unable to quite put in words how grateful Harry was, Louis somehow still understood. He never pressured Harry to take action, only assured him that no matter what he chose, he wouldn't have to do it alone.

It was just what Harry needed to reassemble himself, to get over it and be okay – back then.

Now, he really needs something else and watching Louis strain his neck when he tries to hit that high note does nothing for Harry’s blood pressure.

He groans and pushes his head back in the pillow, trying to suffocate himself. He feels worse than he did when he was sixteen and that’s saying a lot – after all, he’s not some hormonal teenager anymore.

Although his body, and especially his dick seem to disagree since he managed to get hard in the supermarket last time by simply watching Louis fiddle with a banana while he skeptically eyed the broccoli on display. Something’s gone wrong, really wrong.

Louis low rumble drifts through the speakers, the seductive drawl for “Fall Apart” and Harry is falling apart on the sofa right there.

 

***

 

“Zayn?” Louis throws the door shut and walks into the living room like he owns the place.

“Mmh, outside! Grab me a drink on the way, will ya?!” comes the reply from somewhere and Louis grabs two beers before he goes out to find Zayn lounging on the terrace.

“Wanna bet how fast you’d lose your status as sex symbol if I tweeted that picture?” Leaning against the wall, Louis can’t help but laugh quietly. “Are those Perrie’s shorts?!”

Zayn is lying spread-eagled on one of the sun loungers, his hair haven gotten a little bit too long to be styled in his signature quiff and if Louis had to take a wild guess, that bright yellow abnormity that’s holding the raven strands back belongs to Jessy. Even so… tight draw, it could be one of Harry’s many headscarves too.

Adorning his skinny hips with bright green hot pants, Louis sometimes wonders if Zayn inhaled too much hairspray. Or maybe they really fucked him up when they forced him to dress as a girl for the BSE video, he rather liked his fake boobs back then. Louis is still not sure if Zayn ever actually gave them back …

“Take a picture and it’ll be your last deed, Tommo” Zayn doesn’t so much as batter an eyelash. “I’m trying to catch a tan here. Not everyone has the ability to look like they spent three weeks in Hawaii just because they caught the sun for one afternoon” he makes grabby hands in Louis direction. “Beer?”

“Yes, Miss Malik” Louis presses the cold bottle in his hand and pulls over another lounger to get comfortable.

“When’s Perrie back?”

“Tomorrow, so I’m leaving the studio around 3pm” Zayn looks at him like he expects Lou to protest, but he just shrugs his agreement. “What about your missus?”

“Harry?” Louis punches Zayn. “Stop it, you know he hates it if you make him out to be the girl in this relationship”

“He is, though”

“No need to tell him” Louis stretches his back. “He’s home, mumbled something about grocery shopping and dinner”

“Awww” coos Zayn and Louis rolls his eyes. “So it’s going well?”

“It’s…” Louis rolls the bottle in his hands. “It’s going great, actually”

“And why do you sound so cautious?”

“It’s only been what? Three weeks?”

“And it’s been what? Almost twelve months of pining for him?” Zayn rolls onto his side, fixing Louis with a stare. “Are you happy?”

It’d be easy to give the same old bullshit answer but Zayn knows Louis too well. It’s a blessing and a curse really that Zayn can tell by one look whether Louis is faking it or if he’s being sincere.

“I am so fucking happy Zayn, I sometimes don’t know what to do because of it”

“And it’s making you antsy because you think it’s too soon? That you shouldn’t have fallen back into each other like that?” Another reason because of which Louis will love Zayn forever; he knows what’s going on in Louis head when Louis himself can’t seem to quite figure it out sometimes.

“I guess. Do you think it was too soon? That I shouldn’t have forgiven him so quickly?”

“Quickly?” Zayn lowers his shades. “You’ve been mad for months”

“What he did was pretty fucked up” Louis argues and Zayn nods.

“Undoubtedly. But then again karma did pull a number on him, didn’t she? And I would agree with you if Harry hadn’t learned anything from it. But he’s not the same guy, is he?”

“He’s… the same and yet different” Louis shrugs. It’s hard to explain.

Harry is so achingly familiar on the one hand but on the other he also grew up during the year they spent apart, maybe even before that only Louis didn’t realize, didn’t see it. It’s the benefit of not having been with Harry for a while which made Louis see all those small changes, whether they’re physical or with regards to his personality, and Louis can honestly say he’s more in love with Harry each day.

He admires and loves how Harry has grown, how he picked himself up off the floor, saw and admitted his mistakes and went and asked for forgiveness. It takes some pretty big balls to do what he did and Louis is rather proud of him for doing it.

And that’s not really the problem, Louis can and will easily admit that he’s proud of his boy but “doesn’t it make me look a little weak and spineless to just take him back like _this_ ” he snaps his fingers to emphasize his point.

“First of all, you didn’t take him back like _this_ ” he mimics Louis snapping his fingers. “You two danced around each other for months, playing this weird game of hurt and comfort. And secondly, how’d you do it differently? Keep him at arm’s length? Weekly phone calls and maybe a date or two after a month?”

“Harry is basically living with me”

“Do you regret it?”

“What?”

“Do you regret it?” Zayn shrugs. “Like, do you regret waking up next to him again? Having him around in the evenings, not needing to think before you call him and just do it because he’s your boyfriend?”

“No” Louis answers in a small voice.

“And you’re happy?”

“So happy” Louis admits.

“For crying out loud, Lou. Then stop overthinking it and just be happy. It took you long enough. And in all honesty, you have been mad long enough. Not holding a grudge doesn’t make you look weak, it makes you the bigger person. It means you’re smart enough and brave enough to see that he’s sincere and to accept that the past is the past. It can’t be changed. So what’s the point in talking about it again and again? Harry can’t undo what he did. He can only apologize, learn from it and move on. And I’m glad you are smart enough to do the same. So no, taking him back and forgiving him doesn’t make you look weak. It makes you brave”

They sit there quietly for a while, Louis letting Zayn’s words sink in.

“You belong together, Lou. Always have” Zayn nudges his knee and Louis smiles brightly at him.

“Thanks, you know? For… well, everything really”

“Anytime, bro” Zayn leans back and they spent the next hour in amicable silence before Louis gathers his things, and after secretly snapping a picture of Zayn, he presses a kiss to his head and goes home.

 

~

 

“Honey I’m home, where’s the food?!” Louis yells when he kicks the door shut and wanders into the flat.

He kinda expects Harry to be fussing over different pots and pans in the kitchen since he said something about grocery shopping. What he doesn’t expect is an empty kitchen, no food whatsoever in sight but a very naked Harry Styles on his couch. Well, he’s wearing briefs but the piece of tiny, black fabric is a lame excuse for a boxer.

Louis swallows hard.

“Umh?”

“Hi” Harry draws the word out and now that he’s lifting his head, Louis can make out the faint lines of water droplets running over his chest. His hair is still wet and his skin looks fresh and slightly pink because Harry likes a good scrub.

Still pale, the dark ink is a stark contrast to his complexion and Louis mouth goes a little dry. He purposefully tried to stay away from temptation, on the one hand trying to give Harry time and space to get over what happened with Nick at the club on the other hand to give _them_ time to get used to one another, to being a couple again before they’d get lost physically in each other again. Though Louis has a hard time remembering why exactly he’d ever thought it’d be a good idea to wait with sex.

“You hungry?” Harry entangles his long legs and Louis eyes are glued to them. “Want me to start making dinner?” He puts the book he was reading back and perhaps it’s just to torture Louis but he bends over, his perky little bum on display.

Louis doesn’t say anything, only when Harry tries to walk past him, does he stand his ground. It’s a bit funny really, because Harry could easily push Louis to the side, could manhandle him but instead he just stops dead in his tracks.

“Lou?” he asks, voice unsure.

“What the fuck” Louis reaches up, hands in Harry’s wet curls, and tugs at them hard. “Do you think you’re doing?”

Harry’s gasped but now he just bows his head, eyes fixed on Louis lips. He doesn’t even need to ask what Louis meant, he can gather as much from Louis tone and posture and he goes so eagerly that Louis has a hard time keeping up his act.

“ _Please_ ” It’s not fair that Harry already sounds so wrecked, that he’s standing here in next to nothing, that he is… oh, half hard just from Louis tugging on his hair.

“Last time…” Harry shakes his head, doesn’t want to talk, but Louis catches his chin, forcing him to look him in the eyes. “Last time I hurt you, didn’t I?”

“Lou…” Harry wriggles, trying to move closer but Louis keeps his distance.

“Harry, answer me” Louis holds onto his chin tighter. “In L.A., did I hurt you?”

“A… a bit. But it’s okay. I promise” there’s an underlying pleading tone to Harry’s voice which makes Louis knees get weak. “It’s been weeks, Lou – _weeks_ – and I… can we… please”

“What do you want, Harry?”

“You” It’s a breathy whisper.

“You got me. I’m here” Louis teases and Harry shakes his head wildly.

“Want you. Need you. Lou, please, _please_ —“

Louis cuts him off by kissing him hard. A stark contrast to his cool skin after his recent shower, Harry’s lips are hot on his and Louis runs his tongue along them, savoring the taste. Harry’s mouth falls open, a small whimper escaping him and Louis pulls his bottom lip between his teeth, nibbling on it before he kisses Harry properly.

The younger boy steps closer, fitting his whole body to Louis until there isn’t an inch of space between them and Louis can clearly feel Harry’s erection pressing against his hip.

His hands sink down on their own accord, fingers sneaking between their bodies, cupping Harry through the fabric. “Fuck babe, so big. So good, you feel so good” Harry outright moans at that, rutting against Louis hand.

Head lolling onto Louis shoulder, Harry mutters something incoherent while Louis peppers small kisses along his jaw. He trails lower with his lips, caressing Harry’s skin on his way down until he’s reached his chest and sucks a nipple into his mouth.

Harry gives a strangled scream when Louis bites him a little hard, rolling the butt between his teeth.

“Yes, yes, yes, _oh God, yes_ ” there’s not much more Harry can do at that moment than hold onto to Louis, having gone completely pliant as soon as the older boy’s lip were on him.

Using this little advantage, Louis sinks to his knees and while Harry is still trying to catch up, he peels the briefs back, Harry’s cock springing free.

“Fuck” Louis mumbles, more to himself. Harry’s hard and big and fucking perfect. “Can’t wait to get my mouth on you”

“Shit” Harry’s knees buckle slightly but he leans against the wall for support, tilting his hips out ever so slightly.

Gently, almost fleetingly, Louis runs his index finger over the tip, gathering some of the precome.

“Don’t tease, Lou, please. I can’t—“ Harry stops to bite his lips when Louis replaces his fingers with his mouth. His head flies back, a long, deep moan ripped from his throat.

Flattening his tongue, Louis swallows him deeper, further until Harry hits the back of Louis throat and Louis has to work to for it.

Harry looks devastatingly beautiful, head thrown back in pure bliss and throat exposed, chest heaving.

Louis pulls back ever so slightly, working his tongue around Harry’s cock, using his hand to cover what his lips can’t.

“Lou…” he glances up again, seeing Harry has lowered his head, gaze fixed on him. “You’re so fucking gorgeous. Can I?” he reaches out, fingers brushing ever so lightly through Louis hair and now it’s him moaning around Harry’s cock, angling his head to urge Harry to properly dig his fingers in his hair.

It’s all the encouragement the younger boy needed. Hand firmly wrapped in Louis hair, he pulls him closer, fucks into his mouth with small thrusts of his hips. Hitting the back of his throat, Louis sputters and his eyes water slightly and he loves every fucking second of it.

He gets so into it that he even forgets his achingly hard cock, jeans way too tight to be even considered remotely comfortable.

So it comes as a bit of a surprise when Harry soundly yanks him off, Louis falling back onto his haunches.

It’s a sight for sore eyes, this will definitely make the wank bank, Louis thinks. Naked and flushed, Harry looks… god, he looks like raw sex.

“Bed” he pants. “Now. Need you, now” he pulls Louis up and smashes their lips together, licking into his mouth without much finesse. It’s unmasked and real and Louis grips Harry’s bicep, hard enough to leave bruises and pushes him along to the bedroom.

Shoving the taller boy down onto the mattress, Louis takes his time to take off his shirt and steps out of his pants and briefs.

Naked, he crawls between Harry’s spread legs, rubbing his stubble along the soft skin of Harry’s thighs.

He sucks purple bruises into Harry’s hips, in between the fern tattoos before he slowly licks along his sternum, fingers pinching his nipples.

Being a good boy, Harry’s hips never buck up, he’s gone rigid beneath Louis. The only indication as to how good Louis messed him up already is the rapid breathing, hands clawing the sheets restlessly and tiny whimpers and breathy moans falling from his lips. Eyes gone dark and glazed over, a dopy smile is playing around plum, cherry lips.

Louis slides his body along Harry’s, making sure their cocks rub together when he reaches for the lube and condoms in the bedside table.

Harry catches his hand before he sinks down again, eyes huge and pupils blown. His fingers trace along the edges of the foil wrapper, a pleading look in his eyes.

“No. Babe, no. I’m not—“ Louis shakes his head. “We will, I promise. We’ll get tested and I’ll fuck you bare anytime you want to” Harry whimpers at that. “I promise. But not now” Harry lets go of him and Louis settles back between his thighs, reaching for a pillow to push under Harry’s slender hips.

“So beautiful, so pretty” Louis mutters while he caresses the skin.

He coats his fingers quickly, licking along the underside of Harry’s cock the same time he circles Harry’s rim. Pushing his chest out, Harry presses back into the sheets and Louis slowly works his finger inside.

He takes his time, working Harry  open gently and excruciating slow and by the time he’s got three fingers inside of him, Harry is a mess. Covered in sweat, his curls sticking to his forehead and a flush has worked its way all the way down to his chest. God, he looks divine.

Coherent speech has left him somewhere along the way, he's solely communicating through whimpers, moans and screams. Louis might be high from it.

Rubbing along his prostate, Harry’s mouth is open in a silent scream, veins in his arms prominent, he’s holding onto the bedding so tightly.

“Can’t” Harry shakes his head wildly and Louis curls one finger, causing Harry’s whole body to lift off. “ _No, please… need… no… no longer… need_ …”

Tearing the wrapper open with his teeth, Louis growls when he has to use both hands and Harry keens lowly at the loss of contact.

He quickly slicks himself up, pressing hard against the base of his dick and using every trick in the book to not come on the first thrust.

“Ready, love?” Louis spreads Harry’s legs a little further, lining himself up.

He doesn’t wait for an answer, just pushes slowly inside. Harry is so fucking tight, feels so good around Louis and this time their moans mingle.

Louis just concentrates on breathing in and out when he bottoms out.

“ _Move. For the love of God… move_ ” Harry grinds back and Louis pulls out almost all the way.

“What do you want, Harry?” he asks with a diabolic grin.

“You. Fuck, you. I want _you, Lou. I need you to fuck me, I need_ –“ Harry’s interrupted by Louis thrusting his hips forward, hard and right on point.

Harry makes a gurgling noise, chest rising off the mattress. Louis grabs his wrists, pins him down and bites into the juncture of neck and shoulder.

Leaning back again, he makes sure to have enough leverage on the bed before he pulls Harry closer by the hips, fingers pressing into his thighs.

Then he snaps his hips in fast succession, making sure to hit Harry’s spot on each thrust. Harry pushes against him after a while, cock neglected and leaking against his stomach. Hard and surely painful but Harry doesn’t make a move to touch himself.

Louis considers putting him out of his misery but then again he really wants Harry to come untouched. So he doubles his efforts, using all his tricks and when Harry sucks in a shuddering breath, his body going tense below Louis, he knows he succeeded.

Heat is coiling around the base of his spine when Harry comes, spurting across his chest, some even hitting his chin. Louis is mesmerized, can’t remember a time when he saw Harry come that hard and that long. His chest is painted in long, white stripes and he’s so tight, so hot around Louis that it pushes him over the edge. Toppling over, he’s still conscious enough to not crash Harry when his orgasm rips through him, moving along his spine until every nerve ending tingles from the sensation.

 

***

 

Harry’s pretty sure he whites out for a bit, it’s taking rather long for his breathing to return to normal as well as for his brain being able to form coherent words and sentences again.

Louis is sprawled out next to him, hair sticking up at odd angles and face mushed into the pillow. Harry shuffles closer, nudging Louis shoulder with his nose.

“You’re sticky and a little gross” Louis complains.

“Mmh, and who turned me into a sticky and gross mess?”

Lifting is his head slowly, cerulean eyes roam over Harry “You’ve got come on your chin” Louis informs him and Harry grins a little crazy, rubbing his face all across Louis shoulder and back.

“Harold!” but he’s giggling.

“And now you got come on your back! We’re made for each other” Harry says equally serious. He rolls onto his side and plasters himself to Louis. “Maybe we’ll stick together?”

Pulling a face, Louis just glowers at Harry until he pulls his best puppy dog face and Louis sighs. “Come here” he rolls onto his side as well, pulling Harry close and tugging the younger boy under his chin. “This is going to be really messy when we wake-up”

“Don’t care” Harry snuggles closer to Louis, trying not to be too creepy by deeply inhaling his scent.

He feels pleasantly worn and satisfied, body growing heavy and his eyes flutter.

“Tired?” Louis mutters above him and Harry can’t do much more than puff “mmh” against Louis collarbone.

He falls asleep to Louis softly caressing his hair.

 

~

 

Harry wakes up two hours later, the last golden rays of the autumn sun filtering through the window.

Wrinkling his nose, Louis was absolutely right; falling asleep like this was kinda gross. He slowly peels himself off of Louis, skin sticking to skin, and climbs out of bed.

His stomach gives a low rumble and Harry knows he won’t be able to sleep tonight if he keeps napping now. So he leaves Louis, thinks he’ll wake him up in a bit once he’s got dinner and a tea ready for him.

Ruffling through the fridge, he settles on some simple pasta dish, putting a pot the stove before he trots off into the shower. Once he’s done, Harry adds the pasta to the boiling water and prepares a cuppa before he sneaks back into the bedroom, only dressed in some briefs.

Louis has turned in his sleep, duvet shoved down to his hips and Harry stops at the end of the bed. Louis beauty always hits him a little unprepared, just like now.

The sun is dancing over his golden skin, tattoos coming to life under his soft breathing and the play of colors. Head slightly turned, his hair is obscuring Harry’s view of his face slightly but he can still make out the sharp line of Louis cheekbones and the soft shadow of his long eyelashes.

Louis was a pretty boy when they met four years ago but now he’s simply beautiful. He’s really grown into his looks, holding himself with an air of confidence and ease and sometimes, Harry still can’t quite believe his luck.

He’s been paired with some pretty girls in his time, even dated some of them rather briefly during his and Louis split but no one ever left him as breathless as Louis.

It’s just kinda hard to function when he looks at Harry a certain way and while it was scary before, now Harry realizes how lucky he is to have found someone who can turn his world upside down like this.

Sitting down, he places Louis cup on his thigh and unable to resist, runs his hand across Louis flat stomach (Harry does miss his little tummy from time to time but those abs are undeniably sexy) and dips lower, pushing the blanket further down.

Next thing he knows, his bum is connecting rather harshly with the bedroom floor and Louis has jumped up, yelping in pain.

If Harry wasn’t so shocked, he’d laugh because Louis looks a little like a crazy porcupine with that wild look in his eyes and hair even more ruffled than before. Also, he’s still kinda really naked, standing on his tip toes on the bed and dabbing at his hips with the duvet.

There’s a puddle of hot tea on the mattress where Harry dropped the cup once he uncovered Louis new tattoo.

“Jeeze, if you’re trying to kill me, wake me up with one of your blowjobs – they’re rather great and I usually feel good enough to die during those!”

“Louis” Harry gets up slowly, his voice sounding a little off. Registering the change of tone immediately, Louis stops drying himself off and looks at him. “What is this?”

Harry reaches out as if to touch the black ink but something stops him half way. “When…? Why have I never…?”

Louis follows Harry’s gaze, sucking his bottom lip into his mouth.  “I got it once we came back from L.A. The first time when… when I bumped into you in the bathroom and… acted like a superior shit?”

Harry nods even so he’s not sure he understands. “And you’ve never seen it because it’s below the waistline and I guess we were both preoccupied in the hotel that night and… umh… I have tried to stay as modest as possible during the last weeks so… umh… not much of a chance for you to have seen it. I didn’t keep it from you, at least not on purpose. I just… well, I didn’t really know how to tell you… what to say…”

“You’re rambling” Harry cuts in. Louis only rambles when he’s really, really nervous or afraid of something. Harry really hopes he’s nervous because he can phantom why Louis would be afraid of him finding out.

He shuffles back onto the bed, avoiding the wet patch and Louis covers himself with the duvet but lets Harry close enough to get a proper look.

“It’s… your handwriting” Louis explains in a small voice.

Softly tracing his finger along the letters, Harry looks up at Lou. “You couldn’t stand me back then, I still remember how… hurt and angry you were when we bumped into each other. Why… I don’t understand, Lou?”

“Back then, I thought it was something to get over you. At least that’s what I told Zayn and everyone who cared to ask me. Told myself it was something I just had to do for closure, you know? What a load of bullshit that was” Louis shakes his head. “It wasn’t to get over you… it was…” he looks over at the drawer where Harry’s old hoodies rest. “Well, I guess seeing you shook me harder than I’d ever care to admit and it just proved that I _wasn’t_ over you, that I only pretended I didn’t need you or love you anymore. It was a little foolish and – just for the record – I felt like a right dickhead for having a go at you like that”, with his eyes still resting on the shelves of drawers, Louis admits in a small voice “It’s about traces and memories, Harry. I couldn’t forget you and I guess… I didn’t think we’d ever get back together but I really wanted to keep something… personal, private. Something only you and I knew the true meaning off and… well, something to remember the good days by, I guess”

Harry doesn’t say anything for a while, words rushing through his head but more prominent is the blood thrumming under his skin.

Then he leans in, sucking a dark bruise between those two lines, hearing Louis exhale sharply.

“Shower” teeth scrapping along Louis hip bones, the older boy has gone rigid. “Go shower and get clean”

“Harry?”

Harry pulls back and looks up and whatever Louis sees in his eyes is enough to shut him up.

“Go shower” Harry gets off of the bed. “And then back here”

He doesn’t give Louis time to protest, stalks out of the room and back into the kitchen to turn the stove off, pasta way too overcooked by now anyway.

The water is running by the time Harry gets back and he starts changing the sheets, hands occupied while his mind is a haze of “ _tattoo_ ”, “ _my song_ ” and “ _Louis_ ”. It means just a little more than those couple tattoos they got, it’s _Harry’s handwriting permanently etched on Louis skin_ , a song he wrote for Louis. It’s… so much more than Harry’d ever hoped for.

Louis comes back not much later, hair still dripping wet and butt naked. Walking to Harry, he has to angle his head ever so slightly to look him in the eyes but Harry finds that even so he’s taller, Louis is the one who calls the shots, who manhandles him easily.

“So what now?”

“Now” Harry’s voice has dropped to a low and oh so seductive growl. “I am going to take you apart, Lou” his fingers dig into the tattoo. “Because you are mine, it’s inked on your skin forever” He feels Louis breath catch.

“On the bed” Harry smirks. “Hands and knees, babe”

It’s clear to see that Louis wants to argue, although he does as Harry told him to, he can’t help but glare at him over his shoulder. Harry only grins wider, pushing his briefs off and revealing he’s sporting a semi again, before he gets on the bed behind Louis.

He can feel the older boy shudder, breath coming in shallow pants.

Placing both hands on Louis cheeks, Harry slides down a little. Louis watches him intently, almost stubbornly, until Harry spreads his cheeks and licks a wide stripe across Louis hole.

“Shit” lowering his head, Harry is pretty sure Louis has locked his bottom lip between his teeth, trying to suppress any noise. It’s a game they’ve played before and Harry is determined to win it in record time today.

He flattens his tongue, drawing lazy circles around Louis rim, always a millimeter too far off to make it feel _really_ good but close enough to tease Louis beyond sanity.

Pretty sure he hears Louis mutter “ _I swear to God, Harry Edward Styles_ ”, Harry grins before he sucks harshly on the skin he was caressing a minute ago.

Louis arches his back only to have his arms give out when Harry pushes the tip of his tongue slightly in, kitten licks along the tight ring of muscle.

Knowing Louis equally hates and loves this, loves the feeling of anticipation and pleasure that’s almost too much but not enough at the same time while he hates that Harry won’t go deeper, doesn’t give him something more he can cling to, the feeling always so fleetingly good that it drives him insane.

By the time he properly licks into Louis, the other boy has bitten the pillowcase so hard that Harry can see how strained his jaw muscles are from back here.

“Stubborn bastard” he whispers lovingly.

It’s not the first time they played this game and while Louis is usually the dominate one, bringing Harry to the edge so often that he’s a whimpering mess once they’re finished, there are occasions, just like now, when Harry _needs_ Louis to submit.

It’s rather primal and even so Harry knows that Louis wants and needs it as much as he does during those moments, he won’t go as easy as Harry, always puts up a fight which makes it just so much better when Harry has finally taken him apart.

And Louis is fighting hard not to give Harry the upper hand this time, but eventually – and Harry doesn’t know how he did it, is in a bit of a drunken kind of sex haze himself by now – Louis can’t help it any longer but to moan brokenly.

It’s such a sweet sound that Harry has to take one hand off him and press down hard at the base of his cock to stop himself from coming all over Louis back.

“Fuck, yeah” he mutters, biting along Louis spine which elicits another guttural moan from the older boy. “Let me hear you, babe. Let me hear how good it feels… please” Harry circles Louis spit-slick hole, pushing two fingers slowly inside and Louis keens.

Harry would positively flush with how proud he is to have made Louis lose the ability of speech but right now, he’s too concentrated on taking him apart bit by bit.

It’s as much a reward as it is punishment for those months apart, for all the heartbreak and pining Harry went through.

Harry crocks one finger putting constant pressure on Louis prostate while he rubs slowly over it with his index finger. Louis legs give out and Harry can barely catch him, hold him up singlehandedly and hard enough to bruise those slender hips. Briefly wondering whether it’s too much too soon, the thought is wiped away when Louis turns his head and Harry can see his eyes are squeezed shut, tears running down his face and mouth opened in a silent scream.

“Want me to stop?” he doesn’t deter from his excruciating slow rhythm.

Louis tries but all that leaves his lips is another long, drawn-out moan.

“Lou, babe. Need you to use words – is it too much?”

“S’good” Louis slurs, sounding loopy. “S’fucking good, don’t want you to stop. _More so. Need – more_ ” 

“Yeah… I can… yeah” Harry reaches over, grabbing the lube and condom before he quickly slicks his fingers up.

Louis always needed a little less prep than Harry but that doesn’t mean it isn’t absolutely addictive to see him fuck himself back on the three fingers Harry has buried inside of him eventually, little moans punched out of him at every thrust.

Harry makes sure to keep one finger on his prostate all the time, knowing it’s as pleasurable as it’s painful and once Louis moans are mingled with half broken sobs, he pulls out and quickly puts the condom on.

He slides into Louis is one go, angle couldn’t be more perfect if he tried, and Louis can’t take it any longer, legs giving out. Harry gathers his strength, tries to keep his cool – which is not working at all and he’s pretty sure he lost it the very second he saw the tattoo – and fucks Louis into the mattress.

Finally Harry gets all the noises he’s been dying to hear, the loud moans, sobs that linger in the air, whimpers and Louis screams of _HarryHarryHarry_ , like his name is a fucking prayer. Harry feels high on it, high on _Louis_.

When Louis shakes and trembles, crying out a “ _please Harry, need to come, please_ ” Harry pulls out and flips him over.

Lips bitten raw, eyes of an unnatural glassy blue, Louis looks so out of it, so wrecked.

Harry throws Louis legs over his shoulder, sliding in and Louis can’t do more than take it. He folds the smaller boy nearly in half, thrusting into him with hard fast snaps of his hips.

“Come on, Lou. Let go, let me see you…” Harry is out of breath himself, covered in sweat and overwhelmed with how fucking great Louis feels.

“ _Fuck Harry_!” Louis arches his back and Harry digs his hands in Louis hair, biting down hard at the juncture of his neck and shoulder the very second he feels Louis come between their stomachs, veins thrumming with the deep moan ripped from him.

It’s all it takes for Harry to shoot hot and hard into the condom, Louis impossibly tight around him.

 

~

 

“Lou?” Harry slowly lifts himself up, limbs feeling oddly detached from his body. “Babe?”

“Mmh?” it’s not more than a low humming noise and when Louis looks at Harry, he’s got that dopy look in his eyes, the one that tells Harry he’s still drifting on his post-orgasmic bliss.

“I’m gonna go and get something to clean you up”

“Don’t go” Louis mumbles, voice airy. “Cuddle”

“We’re covered in come and sweat”

“Don’t care”

Harry slowly pulls out, having Louis wince at the loss of contact and he ties off the condom, throwing it in the approximate direction of the bin. Quickly lying back down, Louis snuggles up to him and Harry pulls him close, running his fingers through his now sweat matted hair.

It’s not often that Louis allows Harry to take care of him like this, most of the time it’s when he’s really upset about something or after the kind of sex where Harry didn’t stop until he took Louis so far apart that he wouldn’t know how to put himself back together without Harry’s help.

It’s… sweet and perfect and Harry is in love with how much Louis trusts him, is able to let go completely and have enough faith in Harry to not take advantage of it in any way.

Yet, with all these pleasant thoughts comes one ugly question and Harry wants to bite his lips, wants to keep it in but his tongue is slippery and “did you and Aiden… did you ever?”

Louis lifts his head slowly, as if he doesn’t have any energy left but he makes sure to look Harry in the eyes when he says “I never bottomed for Aiden. I trust no one enough but you”

His head sinks back on Harry’s shoulder, the little puffs of breath cooling his overheated skin. Also Harry thinks he’ll probably never ever feel cold again.

 

~

He takes Louis to the shower an hour later, washing his hair and sucking him off slowly and gently.

And if Louis gets up later that night and startles Harry awake by jerking him off before he swallows him down and gives him one of these blowjobs where stars appear behind Harry’s eyelids than well… they were worse during the XFactor days and UAN – but not much.

 

***

 

“Morning” Louis croaks and three sets of eyes immediately focus on him. “Alright lads?”

Harry feels a blush creeping up his neck and he isn’t able to meet neither Zayn’s nor Liam’s eyes.

“Lou…” Liam gets up and feels his forehead. “Not hot, so no temperature. No runny nose, so no cold. Have you got a sore throat?”

“No, I just su—“ Louis begins happily when Zayn cuts in with “Not before 10:00am, for fuck’s sake!”

Liam looks a little confused, Niall has started giggling and Zayn shakes his head.

“What am I missing?” Liam turns to Niall who starts howling at the totally innocent and perplex expression on Liam’s face.

“My dearest Liam, how long have you known those two?” Zayn points accusingly to the – admittedly – rather large and obvious lovebite on Louis neck as well as the smaller but matching collar of bruises on Harry’s throat and collarbones.

“Please tell me they got a good shot of you when you rolled out of bed this morning?” Niall gets up and peaks under Harry’s collar. “Oh, more!” he sounds rather delighted.

“I…” Harry looks at Louis. “I didn’t actually notice, did you?”

“How did you manage to overlook the huge black SUV? And the guy that practically fell out of the window, aiming a huge telephoto lens at you?” Louis chuckles, voice roughed up and Harry blushes once more, cuddling closer.

“I was a bit preoccupied” He mutters, fluttering his eyelashes at Louis, who reaches up and quickly pulls him down in a sweet kiss.

“So they caught you kissing?”

“Not yet” Louis admits with a shrug and Harry’s heart jumps at the nonchalance.

He was there when Louis said he was all in and didn’t want to hide anymore but actually seeing him not give a toss is… well, it makes Harry’s heart ready to explode with love for this boy.

“We were just talking about the house – _our house_ – and… decided to not sell it but do some renovations? So this one here” he pulls on Harry’s curls “wouldn’t shut up all morning about curtains, cushions and colors”

“You’re moving back in?”

“We’ll remodel it a bit, yeah?” He looks at Harry who just nods wildly with a stupid grin. “And then will move back in, yes” Liam whoops in sync with Niall while Zayn just smiles.

It’s one of those rare Zayn smiles, the one where he’ll look at Louis and Harry with so much adoration and love that Louis can’t hold his gaze for long, feeling a bit overwhelmed and not sure how he got so lucky to meet such great people. And even better, to meet such great people who stuck around through the best and worst and who have never once broken their promise; they’ve always stayed by his side. So maybe Zayn was right when he promised Louis not to leave him all those months ago. They really are family.

“Well, great news, lads. Looking forward to the housewarming party!” Niall punches Louis lightly on the arm. “So I guess since you both been at it like rabbits and your voice is fucked – no pun intended – we’ll record Harry’s and Zayn’s parts first?”

“Sure” Harry nods.

“Before we start though, can you look at this?” Zayn hands over some sheets and Louis takes some seconds to quickly read over it.

It’s the dates for the release of a new single, announcement for the album as well as the release date and…

“Tour dates?” Harry voices Louis thoughts.

“Well yeah…” Liam shrugs. “Might as well try it, no? It’s only Europe and it’s not a stadium tour like WWA but smaller venues. TMH-like really. Kick-off at O2 arena… we could move to Wembley, depending on tickets sales. Starting in late May and ending in August” A shiver runs down Louis back and he feels Harry shudder next to him.

“I want it, Lou” the younger boy whispers and Louis nods.

“Then let’s do it”

 

***

 

_London, early November 2015_

Louis is a little impatient.

Harry was supposed to be home almost an hour ago and while it’s just take away pizza which can easily be reheated, Louis has something important he really needs to talk to Harry about.

It was rather ambitious of Harry to start remodeling the house while they were still recording, and he’s spent most of his time either with construction workers and interior designers or producers and the band – well, minus the hours they still managed to carve off each day to snog, blow and shag each other.

Louis grins, absentmindedly tracing the bruises on his wrist where Harry had pushed him over the dining table and held his wrist behind his back while he fucked into him before he sat him down and asked his opinion on three absolutely identically shades of blue for the new curtains.

He’s ridiculous and stupid and adorable and Louis is so head over heels, he’s basically walking on air.

The door to his – well, _their_ flat now – is kicked open and in rushes Harry, hair (freshly cut and resembling the 2013 style) covered by the bright blue Carhartt beanie and scarf pull up all the way to his slightly red nose, mumbling apology after apology.

“Hey” Louis interrupts him, pulling him close by his jacket. It’s wet, the common London rain having taken over after a rather spectacular autumn. “Breathe”

“Sorry” Harry huffs. “I wanted to leave two hours ago but they just kept talking and talking and talk-“ Louis cuts him off with a kiss and Harry melts against him.

“I love you” he mutters once Louis pulls back slightly. “Have I told you that today?”

“Mmh, I think right after you woke up to my lips around your cock”

“The last of the romantics you are” Harry tells him.

“Well, talking like curly Yoda you are” Louis unwraps the scarf and tugs Harry out of this jacket. “And I ordered pizza. Which we’ll have to reheat”

“Sorry”

“That’s okay, I wanted to talk to you about something anyway”

“Oh?” Harry is already on his way to the kitchen. “Sounds… important?” Louis makes a weighing gesture and Harry leans against the kitchen counter.

“We’re taking this weekend off. No recording, no remodeling”

“Okay. And… I really don’t mind spending time with you and I’m sure we can come up with something to spend 48 hours with –“

“Dirty” Louis grins.

“Learned from the best” Harry smirks.

“Ah but unfortunately it’s not what I had in mind” at that, Harry pouts. “I haven’t been home in ages and well…”

“Oh” Harry takes the beanie off and ruffles his hair. “Sure, sorry I didn’t really think about it. Of course you can go home and…”

“Wrong, _I_ am not going home. _We_ , my dear, are going home. Because I promised Anne to bring my boyfriend over last time I spoke to her and well… I rang today and told her and my mum we’d be seeing them in Holmes Chapel this weekend” Harry is quiet, too quiet for Louis liking.

“Harry. I know you still haven’t spoken to her, she doesn’t have a clue what’s going on and I mean… are you ashamed of me or something?”

“What?” Harry looks up so fast that Louis is afraid he’ll give himself whiplash. “No, never in a million years! Oh God Lou, please don’t ever think that!”

“Okay but… why?”

Harry chews on his lip and in a small voice confesses “She must hate me. I’ve been such a dick and disappointed her so much… and like, I haven’t called in ages and… I don’t really know how to say sorry?”

“Well” Louis crowds into his space and Harry comes willingly, seeking comfort in Louis arms. “Let’s start by talking to her, okay? She misses you Harry. And it’s time, don’t you think?”

“What if she doesn’t want to see me?” Louis hates how upset Harry sounds.

“She’s your mum, love. Of course she wants to see you. She asks me about you all the time”

“Does she know? About us?”

“Don’t think so. I haven’t said anything and I don’t know if she’s seen any magazines or stuff on twitter” Louis shrugs, “Also, I told her I was coming with my _new_ boyfriend so I guess she suspects me to bring Aiden or someone else”

“And your mum’s coming too?”

“Mmh, for a Sunday brunch”

“Does _she_ hate me?”

“No one hates you! She didn’t like you very much for a while but… Haz, I am so happy. Anyone with eyes can see, I guess even a blind man could see. And it’s _you_ who’s making me happy so… no, she won’t hate you. My prediction is they’ll both cry of joy. It’s going to be proper embarrassing and awkward”

Harry is silent for a while, contemplating what Louis said. “You’ll be with me, right? You won’t leave me alone?”

Louis takes Harry’s hand, entwining their fingers. “I promised to never let go again and I won’t okay?”

 

~

 

“Haz, love. I don’t mean to criticize you or anything – but if we go any slower, we’ll be going backwards” feet probed up on the dashboard, Louis takes his shades off to throw Harry a stern glance. “And don’t think I didn’t notice we passed that stupid tree twice already. I may not have been here for a while but I still know my way around my boyfriend’s hood. Do _I_ really need to drive?”

Harry grumbles something inaudible and eventually takes the route that will lead them to his house.

They left early on Saturday morning to drive up to Holmes Chapel, even so Louis detests getting up before noon when they have a free schedule. He guessed that Harry would try to stall but I he didn’t think he’d stall for that long.

When they finally arrive at Anne’s and Robin’s house it’s way past noon and even so Louis loves spending time with Harry, being locked in a car with a brooding and moping Harry Styles for hours is testing his patience.

“It’s going to be fine!” Louis leans in and quickly pulls Harry in for a kiss before he cuts the engine, looking wearily at his childhood home.

“But I don’t know what to say—“

“Better think of something quick, cause here is your mum!” Louis pecks his lips once more and kicks the door on the passenger’s side open.

Anne has appeared in the doorway, glancing a little nervously at the black Range Rover but a smile spreads on her face as soon as she sees Louis.

“Hey Anne!” he engulfs her in a full body hug, lifting her up a little and spinning her round. He can see Harry getting out of the car, watching Louis and his mom with such a fond smile that Louis can’t help but grin in return.

“You look radiant, darling!” Anne says, with her back to Harry, while cupping his cheek. “I’m glad you’re happy. You deserve it, Lou”

“Thanks Anne. And I am – really happy”

“That new boyfriend of yours seems to be doing wonders” There’s just a trace of sadness in her eyes and Louis remembers clear as day how happy and supportive Anne had always been of his and Harry’s relationship.

She once told him she was able to tell right away that Harry was gone for him the first time they met and that she’d never been happier with her son’s choice. Anne was one of Harry’s and Louis biggest fans and fiercest supporters, even more than his own mom who had a little hard time getting used to the fact that her oldest was indeed gay. She did come around and she loved Harry but it took her a while. Which is okay, because the important fact is that she is there now.

“It’s… well, it’s not really a ‘new’ boyfriend. More like an old one” Louis grins. “And I would love to introduce you, I know he’s been _dying_ to meet you!” Louis winks at Harry over Anne’s shoulder.

“So am I … and you know… I promise I won’t give him a hard time because of Harry and all, okay?”

“Oh please, _do_ give him a hard time, I did too!”

She looks at him confused but Louis just turns her around and Harry waves sheepishly. “Hi mum”

Anne doesn’t do or say anything for what feels like a full minute. She just claps her hands over her mouth, looks back and forth between Louis and Harry.

“Please meet my boyfriend, Anne” Louis grin is a little shaky, because fuck – he’s waited almost a whole damn year to be able to say this again and this here feels a lot like the first time they did this. Eventually Anne just shouts “Harry!” and it’s quite lucky that his boyfriend is tall and managed to gain some muscle because Anne throws herself at her son.

Louis is just a little smug because who on earth would have believed that Anne Twist would close the door in her son’s face?! No one, except maybe said son.

Harry pulls his mother closer, muttering an endless string of apologies and “ _I missed you_ ”s and “ _I love you_ ”s in her hair and Louis decides to give them a moment. He’s been here often enough to feel at home and while it’s a little weird after a year, the familiar scent makes him feel immediately at ease.

Gemma is leaning against the doorframe, trying to look angry but the smile tugging at the corners of her mouth is a dead giveaway.

“ _New boyfriend_ , huh?”

Louis shrugs. “New, old. Does it matter? As long as it’s the right one I brought home?”

“You’ve been hanging out way too much with my brother, both of you are becoming sappy shits!” she reaches out and tugs him into a hug. “Thanks for bringing the little fuckwit home, Lou”

“Didn’t really stand a chance” Louis hugs her back. “Wanted him back home as much as he wanted to come home”

Gemma nods and quickly wipes her eyes. “Come on, mom spent days in the kitchen! I think she wanted to leave a proper impression on your new man but well…”

“Don’t look at me like that, I didn’t know he’d come, he was quite scared”

“How did you convince him?” Gemma offers him some tea and Louis gladly sinks onto the sofa, a delicious scent of home cooked meal and baked goods drifting through the air.

“Well, I tied him to the bed and…”

“Louis!” Gemma tries to cover his mouth, reaching over so quickly that Louis barely has time to save his tea before she shoves him down on the couch.

“… and then I fed him banana milkshakes and didn’t allow him to pee until he agreed with whatever I wanted!” Louis giggles while Gemma tries to cover his mouth.

“You two have the weirdest kinks…”

“Oh if you want to hear something about _that_ then…”

“He’s my brother!” Gemma shouts and digs her hands in Louis sides and if anyone should ever accuse him of squealing like a girl Louis will outright deny it.

“I see how it is!” Harry’s voice interrupts the tickle fight “So I leave you for five minutes and you start making out with my sister?!”

“Styles is Styles, right?” Louis tries to lift his head but he has to admit that Gemma pretty much nailed him in place, one knee resting on his chest, the other on his left side while he’s squashed against the backrest.

“Oh don’t get your panties in a twist!” Gemma climbs off Louis, kneeing him in the stomach on her way and walks over to her brother. She yanks his head down and ruffles his curls, placing a soft kiss to his cheek. “Good to have you back, pumpkin. Now, where did you leave mum and how many tissues do I need to bring?”

Harry sniffles at that, eyes already watering up again. “Outside” he croaks and Gemma pinches him quickly before she goes out to look after their mom.

“You okay?” Louis gets back up, looking at the younger boy.

Harry nods, then shakes his head before he just walks over and falls onto the sofa, burying himself in Louis shirt.

“Aw Haz, I told you she missed you. Your mum loves you to the moon and back, she’d never leave you” Louis coos, running his hands over Harry’s back while Harry cries a little on his shirt.

Louis will never like seeing Harry upset but then it’s weirdly nice and reassuring to see that Harry will still seek comfort with him when he’s confused and upset instead of withdrawing or turning to someone else. Louis had always been his rock and… it might be a small thing in the grander scheme but it once again shows Louis how well they fit and how much is still left even after all that was broken.

Anne comes back inside with Gemma a little later and when she sees her son, eyes red from crying but cuddle up to Louis, she starts bawling again and it’s just as embarrassingly cute as Louis predicted.

Gemma and him exchange a look when Harry starts weeping once more, clearly saying _she’s_ the rational party of this family.

Eventually, Harry’s sister has enough. “Jeeze, pull yourself together. Harry just came back home after a year mum, it’s not like he went to war and was imprisoned for five years” she shoves some tissues at Anne. “And Harry, God, you basically drenched Louis shirt, don’t know why he puts up with you”

“Hey!” Harry protests but pulls himself a bit together, grabbing a tissue as well. He eyes the rather big wet spot on Louis shirt. “Sorry. Do you want a new one?”

“I’m fine” Louis holds his arm up slightly and Harry comes willingly, folding his long limbs so that he’s the perfect fit, snuggling against Louis side.

Anne’s lips start trembling again when she sees this and Gemma rolls her eyes. “Is there any chance we’ll make it through a late lunch without one of you crying over the sandwiches? Cause if not then I’m taking Louis out”

“Sorry love, I’m just so happy to see him again…” Anne sniffles, dabbing her eyes with the wet tissue.

Seeing this, Harry leaps out of Louis arm to hug her. “Oh mum!”

“That’s it – we’re going!” Gemma yanks Louis off of the couch and he can’t do more than place a quick kiss to Harry’s head before his sister shoves him out through the front door.

 

~

 

They grab some delicious, greasy fish and chips, strolling through the streets and Louis admits that it was a good idea. That way, Harry and Anne have enough time and space to talk about everything without having to worry about Gemma or Louis listening and Louis gets food. Win-win all around.

Plus, Louis never minded spending time with Gem, she’s a sassy, quick-witted woman and Louis always enjoyed the conversations they had. If he’s honest, he missed Gemma, missed Harry’s whole family who had slowly but steadily become a part of his life. It’s only now that he’s got them back that he realizes what a void Harry really left; weekends spent at the Styles house, Anne’s cooking and dotting, football talks with Robin and the banter with Gemma.

Out of impulse, he flings an arm over her shoulder and places a smacking kiss to her cheek.

“Ugh, fishy and greasy. Just how I love it” but she smiles. “So… all okay?” It’s a seemingly harmless question but Louis knows her well enough to detect the undertone.

“Getting there. It’s… not easy sometimes and we’re still trying to work some things out but… it’s really fucking good”

“You’re happy” it’s not a question.

“I am. Happier than I’ve been for a long while”

“Mmh, I can see. You two seem different”

“Different?”

Gemma shrugs. “Don’t know how to explain it really. More grown-up? More on equal terms? Maybe it’s just because you both came to realize what you lost that you learned to appreciate what you have?”

Louis stares at her and Gemma laughs. “What? It’s true though, isn’t it? I’m not saying it was good that you broke up but… well, it gives things a new perspective, doesn’t it? Like, Harry finally realized that it wasn’t just some fatal attraction or something, that’s it’s really _you_ he fell for. It’s permanent and not going to fade no matter how many girls he kisses. And you can be sure now that it’s you he wants and not some hottie or – heaven forbid – Nick Grimshaw or any other guy, right?”

“Gemma Anne Styles, where does this wisdom suddenly come from?”

“Finished my degree, they hand it over with the diploma” she nudges Louis. “But seriously, Lou. I know it sucked what H. did and it must have been a pretty hard time but… you forgave him, right?”

“You worried I’ll wake up one morning and decide I don’t want him?”

Gemma shakes her head but nods the same second. “I… I just think sometimes things happen, which cut too deep and hurt too bad and no matter how much you try you just can’t forgive the person”

“Zayn and I had a similar discussion” Louis admits and Gemma looks at him curiously. “I wondered if maybe I didn’t make it too easy for him to come back, gave in too quickly, you know?”

Harry’s sister hums, not really agreeing with him but not dismissing his point either.

“It did hurt pretty badly and it cut deep but… anger gets you only so far you know? Eventually it burns out, at least that’s what happened to me. At some point I was more _pretending_ to be mad at Harry than actually being mad at him and… well, the insight that I still loved him more than I hated him came pretty soon afterwards”

“But how did you know you could forgive him?”

“I didn’t know it, it just happened. Even when I was with Aiden, I’d always been protective over Harry, I’d always find myself choosing his side over anyone else’s, always found myself laughing along to his stupid knock-knock jokes or seeking his company even so I didn’t want to – or thought I shouldn’t want to. 

There’s not that one morning I woke up and thought ‘ _I’m gonna stop being mad and forgive him’_ , it was a slow process.

And once I stopped being mad and trying to hurt him as much as possible, I kinda realized that it’s Harry – a bit more grown up, a bit different but still the same person I fell in love with all those years ago, you know?” Louis falls in step beside Gemma. “I never really stood a chance when it came to your brother, Gem. Not during the XFactor and not now. And I never looked at it that way, but it’s very true; we both had to loose each other to appreciate what we have now” Gemma is silent for a bit, licking some ketch-up off her finger.

“So what are your intentions with my little brother, Louis William Tomlinson?” she suddenly asks in a stern voice.

Louis suppresses a smile and answers equally serious. “To relief him of his money and abuse him in every sexually possible way”

Gemma is able to keep the stern expression for another second before she starts to laugh and pulls a face. “Ugh Louis, he’s my little brother!”

“Oh he’s not so little—“ She claps a hand over his mouth and he licks a wet stripe along it.

It ends like it always did: Gemma basically wrestles him to the ground and tickles him so hard that he’s one second away from peeing his pants.

 

~

 

They get back to Anne’s a couple of hours later, Harry and Anne finally cried out, Harry now sprawled on the couch, Dusty in a cuddling death grip while Anne is fussing in the kitchen, preparing dinner.

“Glad to see you two love birds made it back” Harry greets them, sounding a little miffed.

“Huh?”

“Eloquent, Gem” Louis teases but walks over to Harry, who kinda unwillingly lets Louis runs his hand through his curls. “What crawled up your butt?”

“Nothing”

“Mmh and that’s why you’re trying to suffocate the cat with love?” Louis leans over and saves Dusty, who glares at Harry before he stalks off.

Harry grumbles but eventually produces his phone and shoves it in Louis face.

“Oh”

It’s… a nice picture. Gemma and him, his arm slung around her shoulder while he presses a kiss to her cheek, both laughing and smiling. Appropriately titled: _Gemma is the better Styles – has Louis finally seen reason and figured out as much?_

“That looks lovely!” Gemma exclaims and Louis shoots her a look, saying _you’re not helping_.

“Yeah well, at least you two can be seen together” Harry grumbles but Louis quickly interrupts.

“And so do we”

“What?”

“I thought we talked about this” He flings himself over the sofa and lands on Harry with a soft oomph! “They know I’m here with you anyway and I never planned on hiding or denying it. Told you I’m sick of it, hated it when we had to make up stories and fake pictures so people wouldn’t suspect us visiting the parents together”

“So you’re out?” Gemma takes a seat opposite them.

“Not properly but I mean they have tons of photos of Harry leaving my – well _our_ flat – and it doesn’t take a genius to figure out he’s been staying overnight quite a lot. We got papped grocery shopping, fans came up and took picture with us while we were out at dinner…” Louis shrugs.

“So we don’t have to deny that you were here together?” Anne leans in the doorway.

Harry looks up at him with big eyes and Louis just has to lean down to kiss him before he answers Anne. “No, you don’t have to deny anything anymore”

Exhaling slowly, Harry buries his head in the crook of Louis neck, placing a soft kiss on the skin. “Thank you”

“We talked about it, silly, I promised, didn’t I?”

“Still – it’s different to see and hear it and it means a lot” Harry mumbles and Louis squeezes him tight.

“So no moping because I smeared ketch-up all over your sister or went out with her to grab some food?”

“Nah, you’re forgiven” Harry grins up at him, bright and lovely. “Guess you guys had to wait almost as long for this as we did”

“Damn right we did” Gemma grins. “So when’s the big coming out?”

“Don’t know” Louis shrugs.

“We didn’t really plan it” Harry admits. “Just… went about our day without really giving a damn who saw us like…”

“A normal couple does” Anne finishes the sentence. 

 

~

 

The meal Anne prepared is delicious and Louis feels so full that all he can do is roll on the sofa and fall into a food coma afterwards.

It’s definitely been one of the happiest and most relaxed dinners they ever had.

Now that there’s no more need to hide and deny, Gemma can actually tweet the picture she took of Anne, Robin, Louis and Harry gathered round the table, subtitling it #familydinner. Besides the pictures which surfaced a couple a days ago, showing Harry and Lou being endearingly domestic while out shopping, this one is the closest they have yet gotten to confirming their relationship.

They settle in front of the telly for a while, having banned Anne and Harry from choosing the movie, Gemma picked Transformers III.

Harry laments twenty minutes about their choice before he manages to shed a tear when the spaceship explodes. Louis is in love with a gigantic cheeseball.

A gigantic cheeseball who turns into a little sex-crazed vamp as soon as the door of Harry’s childhood bedroom falls shut behind them. He latches onto Louis neck with so much eagerness that Louis is sure that hickey can be spotted from space.

He can’t quite figure out what flipped the switch, made Harry go from cuddly kitten to minx in sixty seconds but he’s not complaining. The only problem is that Harry has always been rather vocal and with Anne and Gemma down the corridor… Louis unceremoniously yanks Harry’s Stars and Stripes headband down and gags him with it.

He fucks Harry slowly, gently and silently. Only noise their labored breathes and rustling of the sheets.

Half asleep already when Louis comes back with a wet flannel to clean him up, they kiss lazily for a while before Harry falls asleep with his head on Louis shoulder.

 

~

 

Their peaceful sleep is abruptly interrupted the next morning at 9am, when Gemma bangs on the door to let them know that Louis family will be here in about an hour so “they better get up and dressed and no funny business under the shower again!”

Giggling, Harry shoves Louis into the bathroom and generally when you tell someone not to do something… well, funny business is all they really get up to for half an hour.

They stumble down the stairs laughing, dressed in a random mix of each other’s clothes and only realize they have an audience when they notice the dead silence in the room.

Louis mum stares at them open mouthed, all of Louis siblings (well, except Ernie and Doris who are fast asleep) gape at them while Anne looks like the cat that got the canary.

“What… didn’t Aiden…?” Louis mum starts but stops once her son shakes his head vehemently.

“No Aiden. We… I broke up with him a little over a month ago. I never… given the choice it was never a question who I’d choose” Harry circles his arm around Louis shoulders, pressing a chaste kiss to his temple.

“I’m sorry, Jay. For everything” He says in a small voice and now it’s Louis who wraps his arm around his boyfriend’s waist, Harry leaning into him.

Jay watches them intently for a few seconds before she can’t help the broad smile. “So…?”

“Oh God, you two are really back together!” Lottie all put punches Fizzy. “Pay up, buttercup!”

Louis mum doesn’t react, waits for Louis to nod and then…

Well, it’s just as teary and embarrassing and sappy as Louis predicted.

He doesn’t really know what he did wrong but in the end, Gemma, Lottie and him are sitting at the bottom of the stairs, watching Harry exchange hugs with Anne and Jay, all of them crying at one point.

It’s like watching a bad soap opera. If Louis hadn’t really forgiven Harry, now would have been the point where he would have left him. Nobody died or got married for crying out loud and if they ever have children, Louis will do everything in his power to keep his mum and Anne away for a few weeks at least.

Having Harry burst in happy tears at every tiny burp will be quite enough, no need to scare the poor child beyond repair on his or her first day.

So Louis morning passes in a blur of tears and bacon but it’s all worth it because Harry can’t stop smiling on their drive back. He’s radiating happiness and after all, that is Louis main priority in life: Keeping Harry safe and happy.

Naturally, Harry reaches over and entwines their fingers while driving, not even realizing what he did while he hums along to a song in the radio.

Louis looks over at his boyfriend, just taking a moment to blatantly stare and admire him. He only realizes Harry spoke to him when he squeezes his fingers.

“Will you?”

“What?”

Harry motions towards the radio and Louis realizes it’s Lana del Rey breathing “will you still love me when I’m no longer young and beautiful” through the speakers.

“Of course” Louis shakes his head. He can’t imagine a time when he’ll ever _not_ love Harry.

“Just asking since I know you’re kinda afraid of growing old” he winks at Louis.

“You know… I’m not so much anymore” he turns Harry’s hand over, tracing the lines with his finger. “Don’t laugh but… you’re my 'forever young'”

Harry cocks his head questioningly. “How’s that?”

“I’ve known you since you’ve been sixteen. And I’ll never forget the way you looked or how your voice sounded…  I’ll always remember sixteen year old you just like I’ll always remember seventeen or eighteen year old you…” Louis lifts Harry’s hand and places a small kiss on it.  “What I’m saying is that even while you grow older and change, I’ll never forget what it was like in the beginning. And I’m looking forward to seeing you change, seeing little wrinkles appear at the corners of your eyes, see if you ever manage to grow a proper beard and your hair turn grey...”

“Hey!” Harry exclaims but chuckles.

Louis silences him with a fond smile “As I said, while I’m really looking forward to growing old with you, I’ll never have a problem with remembering you when you were sixteen. And I trust you won’t either. Remembering me that is.

So you’re my forever young just like I’m yours”

“Mmh” Harry looks over to him, green eyes boring into blue. “Forever is just a heartbeat away?”

“Forever is just a heartbeat away” Louis agrees and adds quietly “And I’ll love you forever and a day”

Harry’s smile could easily rival the sun.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Gosh, that went rather quickly... epilogue will be up in ~2 days and then it's really done. 
> 
> I'll try and hold the tears back until then ;) just again a big thank you to Dutchie and each and every one of you who read this story, commented and/or left kudos.


	12. Something Great (You’ll always be the last something that’ll mean absolutely everything to me)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this is it. Last chapter...
> 
> Enjoy!

_London, November 2015 - May 2016_

“Lou…”

He keeps his eyes shut, determined not to react.

“Lou… L-o-o-o-u-u-u-i-i-i-s-s-s-s-s” Harry whisper-yells next to him.

It’s hard to keep the grin off of his face when he can literally _hear_ Harry’s pout.

“I know you’re not asleep. You’re faking it. It wounds me, Lou. Barely six months and you’re already pretending to be asleep so you don’t have to talk to me. Let alone cuddle or kiss me”

“I’m waiting for you to offer sex before I react” Louis mutters and with a sigh, turns onto his side.

Harry is grinning down at him, features soft in the moonlight.

“I can’t sleep” he tells Louis, and really? Louis wouldn’t have guessed.

“So the logical consequence of you not being able to sleep is to keep me up too?”

“You love me” Harry reminds him as if that’d be really necessary.

Of course he loves him – more than yesterday but still less than tomorrow.

There seems no end to it, every time Louis thinks it’s impossible to adore and love Harry more, he gets proven wrong.

Before, either of them would always shy back when it got to the point where all the lines seemed to blur, afraid to get lost in the other.

Now, they’re both sure enough of who they are – with and without the other – to realize how lucky they were.

It’s okay to get lost, it’s okay to be one half of something greater. It doesn’t mean either of them is a lesser, weaker person.

It means that Harry is still his own person and Louis respects that now. He doesn’t take Harry for granted but keeps working, has never really stopped working on their relationship since they got back together. Harry was and always will be Louis ‘baby’, but he doesn’t mind taking a step back from time to time now to give Harry the lead.

Whether it’s with regards to business (Harry became an equal shareholder of ZAP records about three months ago, all five signatures below the contract) or in their private lives. If Harry tells him to please pick up some groceries on his way back from work, Louis _just does_ it without arguing or pretending to forget like he’d usually have done (Harry is so surprised that they end up with twice the amount of food the first couple of times because Harry went out too – ‘ _no because he doesn’t trust Louis but just to be on the safe side_ ’).

He tries his very best to hold up his end of the bargain, meaning hiring a cleaner when he has to admit defeat because he’s a natural born messie. Harry argues with him for days until Louis tells him that Harry is in fact his _boyfriend_ and not his _keeper_ , he appreciates that Harry loves him enough to clean up after him and wash his smelly football socks but that he’s only 22.

Louis doesn’t ever want Harry to feel trapped again, and he tells him just that. Instead of wasting his time cleaning up after him, Louis wants Harry to go out and meet friends, do yoga in their living room, plant more of those wild herbs in their garden or just do whatever he wants because it’s okay if Harry has other hobbies than Louis.

Because Louis does have other things beside Harry, too.

Like Gemma said; they had to experience what it felt like to be without the other to truly appreciate what they have.

And it’s better now, they’re on equal terms, in this _together_ and working towards the same goals.

When they first got together, Harry always felt like it was him who gave _more_ , who never kept anything back. He made the first move, he asked Louis out and eventually he decided he wanted to come out (which didn’t go down too well with Louis and management and well, the rest of the story is history).

It’s only now that he finally gets to know Louis – _all of him_. He’s such a complex character, appearing to be so bright and strong all the time. Sharp witted and sassy, Louis seems fearless. At least that’s the impression he tried to convey to the public and fans. Always happy, always smiling.

The real Louis is different. He isn’t any less bright but if Harry had to describe it, he’d say his edges are softer. And now that Louis sees Harry as equal and doesn’t feel the need to constantly protect him - Louis will always keep Harry save, put him before anyone else and won’t ever be afraid to fight anyone who so much as looks at Harry the wrong way. That much, Harry is sure of -  but he lets Harry fight his own battles, waiting, watching, ready to jump in should his boyfriend need him but never barging in unless he is asked to. Harry is sure that Louis will always have his back, no matter what and just knowing that is more reassurance than Harry could have ever asked for.

Louis isn’t holding back any longer, and Harry is so, so grateful for those moments when Louis shows weakness, trusts Harry to take care of him. Whether it’s because he’s upset about a fight he had with his mum or about some lyrics he just can’t seem to get quite right – now he’ll pad into the living room, snuggle up to Harry and quietly ask for help.

Louis was afraid it’ll make him appear weak, but the look in Harry’s eyes whenever he admits defeat, asks him for help or even just hands over the reins in the bedroom is so worth it. And it slowly but steadily teaches Louis that it’s okay not to be okay from time to time, that Harry doesn’t love him because he’s _appearing_ to be something he’s not, putting on an act he can’t always uphold but that _Harry loves him even more_ because he finally sees every façade there is to Louis.

It’s almost a little too much for him sometimes, the way that Harry trusts Louis completely, surrendering his heart in the blink of an eye.

Louis, contrary to Harry, never asked for something great, never expected it. But it seems he’s got it nonetheless.

 

Slender fingers running along his hand startle him.

“You still with me?” Harry’s voice is soft and when Louis looks up, he can see Harry tracing endless patterns over his latest tattoo.

It’s small, was done in barely a minute this afternoon, but Harry’s been obsessed with it ever since.

Louis reaches out, left hand locking with Harry’s right.

“Try and sleep, babe. Tomorrow’s the big show, we can’t have you falling off stage because you’re too tired to keep your eyes open” he pulls Harry close, the younger boy nuzzling his face against his neck.

Harry lifts their entwined hands, resting them on Louis chest so he can still see them and when he feels Harry’s breathing out evenly, his eyelids fluttering, Louis knows that Harry fell asleep staring at their hands.

At the little ‘H’ tattooed on his left hand, mirroring the ‘L’ on Harry’s right.

 

~

 

The album was released a day before Harry’s 22nd birthday.

Neither of them had dared to check their emails or answer their phones that night, Harry’s birthday bash providing a welcomed distraction.

They tried to keep it small, Harry didn’t want a big party but they still ended up with about fifty people at their house. Remodeling had finally been done, Harry and Louis had moved back a couple of weeks ago and Harry argued it’d be the perfect opportunity for a housewarming / birthday party.

Who’s Louis to argue when Harry looks at him pleadingly with big green eyes, cherry lips pulled down in the cutest pout?

So Harry got his wish, while Louis got the cleaners.

When the last guests left around 5am, Louis hailed a cab and brought Harry back to their former flat.

He had dragged a big mattress into the now empty living room a couple of days before, and now with the soft moonlight streaming through the floor to ceiling windows it all looked a little ethereal.

Kissing languidly but with purpose, Louis had undressed Harry, had taken his time to kiss, lick and taste before reached out for the last birthday present.

It took Harry a while to focus on the sheets Louis handed him, eyes flitting over the pages without realizing what he saw until…

“You went to get tested?”

“Mmh” Louis kept mouthing along Harry’s collarbone.

Harry had surprised Louis with his results a day after Christmas and while Louis had meant to go and get tested, something always kept him from it until he finally just took the afternoon off a couple of weeks ago without further explanation.

“So that means…” Harry’s eyes rested on the condom.

“If you want to” Instead of answering, Harry kissed Louis hard and pulled him down on top of him.

“Yes, yes, yes. _Fuck, Lou_. Of course. Want you to fuck me, to fill— _mmpf_ ” Louis had cut Harry off by placing a hand over his mouth.

“Now shut up or I’m gonna come before I’m even inside of you” Harry whined low in his throat at that but kept his filthy mouth shut.

And Louis made sure that he wasn’t able to form coherent sentences or words for much longer after that.

 

In fact, he managed to wreck them both so good, that they only woke up to Liam pounding on their door at 4pm.

Sleepy and naked, Louis patted over to open it.

“You have to see this!” Liam had shoved a stack of newspapers and magazines in his face while simultaneously threw his phone at a very drowsy Harry, who managed to catch it by pure luck. “Fucking #1 in – oh God – all European countries and America! Guys… we….fuck, we did it!”

Liam kept bouncing on his feet, eyes bright and a grin so wide that Louis was afraid he’d swallow his ears – and it was a testimony to how excited and happy Liam was that he didn’t even flinch when he hugged Louis – butt naked.

 

~

 

Louis had left the promotion largely to Niall and Liam, while Zayn was in charge of setting up interviews with radio stations and talk shows and it’s coming round to bite him in the arse now.

Neither him nor Harry told the rest what happened in the club that night.

Louis thought it should be Harry’s choice and it was apparent he clearly didn’t want the other boys to know.

Louis had suggested pressing charges, had even kept Harry’s clothes he wore that night but in the end, the decision was down to Harry.

He bounced back just fine from it, although he did have a hard time sleeping for a while but as far as Louis could tell, he didn’t dwell on it and it seemed he was over it. Harry said he’d consider going to the police and while Louis assured him he’d be by his side all the way, he didn’t pressure him in to it.

But since neither of them said anything about Nick’s involvement, it shouldn’t have come as a surprise when one morning, Zayn shoved them into a van and drove them over to the BBC.

Harry went pale as soon as he recognized the way, breath stuttering and crowding into Louis space.

“Zayn…”

“Mmh?” Zayn’s been focused on his phone but looks up once he hears the weird undertone in Louis voice.

“Who are we doing the interview with?” “Scott Mills”

Harry exhales slowly, having held his breath for too long.

“You okay, H.?” Niall tries to sneak a peek at his face, still pressed against the side of Louis neck.

“I’m good” Harry mumbles. “Feeling a little off, don’t know why. Maybe I shouldn’t have eaten those shrimps last night”

Niall can apparently relate because he pulls a sympathetic face. “Nasty little buggers if they’re not cooked properly. Want to skip the interview?”

It would have been impossible before, no matter how poorly they felt, if they could still walk they had to attend an interview. Now, it’s really that simple; If one of them isn’t feeling up to it, he doesn’t have to do it.

Harry looks up at Louis and the older boy hopes his eyes will be able to tell what he can’t say right now: He doesn’t mind if Harry stays in the car but he’ll kill Nick if he so much as looks at Harry the wrong way.

“He might not even be there, it’s the afternoon” Harry whispers and Louis nods. Turning towards Niall, Harry shakes his head, “I’m coming with you”

Louis is pretty sure that at least Zayn is able to tell that Harry isn’t feeling off because of food but that he is nervous and jumpy. He stays close to Louis, barely leaving his side and only relaxes once they’re inside the studio, exchanging handshakes and ‘hello’s with Scott.

Taking a seat on the backrest of the sofa, Harry sits down in front of Louis, who immediately rests his hands on Harry’s shoulders, not minding when the younger boy reaches up and entwines their hands.

Scott’s eyes almost meet his hairline and Liam grins. “Don’t act all surprised now, mate. You knew or you suspected it”

“So that’s your secret, Harry?” Scott grins and Harry laughs.

“Not much of a secret anymore”

“No?”

“It’s not public yet” Niall exchanges a quick look with Louis. “And we’d appreciate if it could stay that way”

“You know the interview will be filmed?” Scott points towards the cameras and crew members, eyes resting on Harry’s and Louis entwined hands.

“That’s okay, I don’t mind people seeing me holding hands with my boyfriend” Louis states and Harry makes a soft noise. He’s… well, happy doesn’t really cover it. Hearing Louis say things like that, casually and in front of people is just… Harry will never quite be able to put into words how the other boy makes him feel. 

“We haven’t decided on how or when we’re going to break the news to the public so umh… filming is okay but if you could avoid questions aiming at a relationship status or who gave Harry that massive hickey…” Zayn flicks Harry’s collar, showing a bright purple bruise only half way covered by his t-shirt.

“Living situation?”

Zayn is about to shake his head when Louis cuts in. “That’d be alright” he looks at the other boys. “People have guessed anyway, haven’t they? I mean, technically Harry doesn’t even have a house here and he’s papped grocery shopping how often now? They know we lived together before, what they didn’t know – well, some fans knew all along – is that Harry never moved out. No harm done by confirming it, is there?”

“If you’re alright with it?”

“More than that!” Harry reaches up and conveniently forgetting that they aren’t alone, pulls Louis down in a kiss.

Scott just smiles. “I’m really happy for you guys. Glad it all worked out in the end”

“Thanks, mate” Louis runs his hand through Harry’s curly, messing them up even more but who cares about that?! Although Lou shoots him a murderous glance from behind a camera guy and Louis gives her a lopsided smile back.

“Alright, ready to start boys? We can stop anytime you like and re-record it, if you want an answer changed or rather skip the question, okay?”

“Sounds good” Zayn clears his throat and when the rest nods, he gives Scott the thumps up.

 

Personally, Louis thinks it’s one of the best interviews they’ve ever done. They got to talk about their music, about how much this album means to them and how much work went into it.

But they also managed to laugh and joke, giving people a glimpse of how they really are and Louis knows that many fans were drawn to them because of how easy they interacted, joked and made fun of each other.

They weren’t really allowed to do that during their last years with M!M and Louis often thought interviews back then sounded so fake and scripted that even he cringed when he had to watch them, and it must have been even worse for the fans.

Now, they don’t have to pretend anymore, they don’t have to act and it goes so much easier and smoother, the interview’s more of a friendly chat.

He’s really looking forward to reading what fans on Twitter think about it, and there’ll be some rather cute gifs of him and Harry on Tumblr as well, once the video is out.

And the greatest thing is that he can now look forward to it, instead of dread it. Dread that second when either him or Harry will have inevitably slipped up and exchanged one of _those_ looks and management had their heads for it.

Now, the worst that can happen is receiving an email from Niall with his favorite gifs and asking if he can at least hint that there’s a sextape on twitter. Louis must really put a reminder in his phone to either throw Niall’s favorite trainers onto the roof of his house or fill them with superglue.

Having stayed back to talk to Scott once their interview had ended, Harry, Liam and Niall went outside already to get some drinks.

The only problem is that Louis can’t see Harry when he and Zayn join up with the rest. “Where’s the little one?”

“That’s high coming from you” Niall nudges him. “Harry went to get some tea, said he’d be back in a sec”

“Okay” Louis gets up and starts to walk towards the door when Liam catches up with him.

“Lou, he can get his own tea” Liam gently tries to hold him back.

“I know, Liam and I’m not being a possessive dick it’s just…” It’s just that Louis wanted to avoid a scene where Nick has a chance on catching Harry alone.

And what he was most afraid of is happening right in front of his eyes now because Nick managed to trap Harry in a corner and he’s towering over him in an intimidating way, whispering in Harry’s ear.  

One look at Harry’s face is enough for Liam to drop his hand from Louis arm.

Nick didn’t hear them coming but Harry and Louis always had some kind of a sixth sense; they just _know_ when the other is around and it still works. Harry lifts his head the second Louis comes into view, his eyes wide and panicky.

Louis doesn’t even need to ask, doesn’t want to hear the answers.

He walks straight up to Nick, yanking the older man round and punching him square in the face. He hears Liam gasps but is too focused on Nick to spare him a glance.

Nick is so surprised, he doesn’t have time to react, just stumbles backwards into the wall.

Louis is on him faster than he can get back up, twisting his hand into the collar of his shirt and effectively cutting off most of his air supply.

“Listen, _mate_ ” he sneers the endearment at Nick. “Come close to Harry again and it’ll be the last thing you do. Think you’ve seen me angry, think again. This is your last warning you perverse fucker” Louis bends down, making sure only Nick can hear him. “I still have his clothes from that night and believe me; they will light up like a fucking Christmas tree under black light, spelling your name in bright, shiny letters. I’m sure the police is going to love it, although not as much as the press will love that little story. So are we clear?” Nick gives a strangled cough but eventually nods and Louis drops him, wiping his hands on his jeans like he’s disgusted with having to touch Nick.

“There’re cameras around” Nick wheezes, using the wall for support when he tries to stand.

Louis doesn’t say anything, his back turned towards Nick while he looks at Liam.

The other boy seems a little shocked. Yes, he’s seen Louis pissed off before but never… never so angry that he actually went and hit someone.

Then Liam looks at Harry, who has sought refuge with him, pressing close to Liam’s side. Tense, pale and on the verge of shaking, Liam looks at Louis again.

“I… I can’t tell you what happened, but… _he hurt Harry_ ” three simple words, but the way Louis says them, Liam doesn’t need any more answers.

He’s taller than Louis, broader in the shoulders thanks to his extensive work out and boxing training.

“If you insist, Grimshaw, we’re happy to take it to a quiet corner – without cameras” Liam all but growls. “Or would you rather we call the police right now?” Louis looks back at Nick, sees the older man’s lips press into a tight line before he shakes his head.

“Good. Don’t come near us again – ever” Liam spits and waits until Louis has wrapped his arm around Harry, leading them away from Nick and out towards the car.

Liam and Louis exchange a quick look over Harry’s head, and Louis knows he’ll have to give Liam a little more than that, will have to call him and explain a bit more but that Liam won’t probe him for answers he won’t – can’t – give without Harry’s consent.

But it’s okay, Liam will accept what Louis will tell him, will be happy and grateful for the trust Louis places in him because they are friends. Family really. And family doesn’t need to know every small detail but will be there regardless. No questions asked.

“You okay?” Louis asks quietly once they’re in the car.

“Mmh” Harry hums, cradling Louis hand in his, knuckles red and a bit busted. He shuffles closer, rubbing his nose along Louis neck and mouthing at the skin.

“Harry?”

“You’re really fucking hot if you get all protective and angry”

Louis can’t help but laugh. “Seriously?”

Harry looks a little embarrassed but nods, pointedly glances towards his crotch and the hard on he’s sporting. “Sorry. Can’t help it”

“Oh babe” Louis wraps his arms around him and whispers in his ear. “Gonna spread you out and take my time to wreck you good and thorough when we get home”

Harry’s breath hitches and he nuzzles closer to Louis, moaning a “yes, please”

 

Later that night, Harry shifts a little and looks up at Louis with sleepy eyes. “I think I’m ready now”

“Mmh?” Louis makes a questioning sound, drawing lazy circles across Harry’s back.

“To tell the boys about Nick… and… to go to the police”

“Okay” he leans in and kisses Harry gently. “Whatever you want, babe. You know I’ll be with you all the way, right?”

Harry smiles brightly at Louis, wrapping himself around the smaller boy like a koala and falls asleep in seconds.

 

***

 

_London, Wembley Stadium, 16 th May 2016_

A little over one and a half years after their split, they’re back at Wembley with another album that’s heading for platinum.

Tickets sales skyrocketed, O2 arena sold out within _eighteen minutes_ , so they decided to go big or go home and went for Wembley instead – 3 shows sold out in just over twenty minutes just like the rest of the European tour. America, Australia and the rest of world will have to wait for next year but then… Jeeze, another freaking world tour.

Never in his wildest dreams did Louis think they’d have that kind of comeback.

The critics tripped over their own two feet to praise the new album, to congratulate them on making it from boyband to band. Apparently the songs they’ve written really showed “how much the band matured over the years, how talented” they really are. Louis is just glad the fans actually like the songs they’ve written.

Fans, many of those who Louis thought they lost when they went on hiatus, went crazy as soon as the first rumors of a new 1D album surfaced and the resonance to their first single exceed all expectations.

“You okay?” Zayn nudges him, already wired up and ready to go on stage.

“Just thinking, that’s all” they both fall silent for a minute, listening to the chant of the crowd outside and a shiver runs down Louis back.

“It’s crazy, innit?”

“Never expected that, to be honest” Louis agrees.

“Good crazy or just crazy?”

“It’s a good kind of crazy” he decides. “Don’t you think?”

Zayn nods his agreement. “Never thought it’d make that much difference, you know? Us calling the shots and all but… it does”

“God yeah. I would still be sitting in a meeting with management now had they caught a glimpse of that” he lifts his hand, the little ‘H’ prominent on his slightly tanned skin.

Louis and Harry jetted off to Jamaica for a week before tour rehearsals started, Louis finally being able to show Harry all the places he discovered on his last trip with Zayn when Harry wasn’t allowed to come.

They got papped at the airport, pictures of them on the beach surfaced not shortly after but the big news were that they took one car at the airport when they came back. _One_ , meaning wherever they went – they went there together. Breaking news.

And while Louis is sure Zayn, Liam and Niall feel relieved and free too, neither of them can quite grasp the meaning of it for Louis and Harry.

Finally allowed to touch, smile and talk to each other at events and in public, they get to sit next to each other in interviews again. No longer having to ignore the other as soon as a camera is pointed at them, both of them _thrive_.

Zayn looks over to his best mate, takes a moment just to watch Louis.

He seems happy. Happier than Zayn has seen him in a damn long time. Whatever Louis was chasing, it seems he finally caught it.

“Alright?” Harry slides up next to them, angling his body towards Louis out of instinct.

“What have you got there?” Zayn points to the rolled up magazine in Harry’s hand.

“Oh it’s… umh, just something that Niall came across”

Louis grabs it and quickly finds the article that must have caught Niall’s eye.

It’s a rather in depth analysis of Louis and Harry’s whereabouts over the last months, serving to emphasize how joined at the hip those two are again and cheekily pointing out some of the rather obvious hickeys they had been sporting.

Harry chews his bottom lip, eyes glancing at Louis a little worried and Zayn shakes his head. Harry has no reason to be worried anymore, Louis is so chilled about it, it even took Zayn by surprise in the beginning.

“I rather like that picture. Think we could call the photographer and ask him to send us a copy?” Louis points at one of the beach pics, where Louis is carrying Harry around on his back (the sand was too hot for those delicate feet).

Harry just stares at him wide-eyed and open-mouthed, obviously having expected a different reaction.

“You’re catching flies, babe!” Louis taps the magazine against Harry’s forehead before he wanders off to grab his mic.

Zayn chuckles quietly. “Oh H., you still don’t believe it, do you?”

“I… I do… but sometimes… it never gets old, you know?” Harry looks at Zayn with that dopey grin the dark haired boy came to associate with everything Louis-related.

“Good, because it shouldn’t” Zayn pats Harry’s shoulder and then Liam calls them over for the group hug before their first show.

 

***

 

The rush of adrenaline, that feeling when you walk out on stage and get the first proper look at the crowd, hear them scream your name… Harry is addicted to it, will never not crave it.

He looks over to Niall, seeing the blond boy grin back just as wide and then Liam launches into the first song and the noise is deafening.

Harry feels restless, high, like he could run for miles on end.

He jumps around and sings his heart out, trying to give a little bit back of what he received.

He’ll never be able to put into words how grateful he is so he tries to give his all each time he steps out on stage.

And he knows Liam, Louis, Niall and Zayn feel exactly the same.

They perform most of their new songs before Niall starts with DFWYB and it’s pretty much revival times after that. They hadn’t exactly planned it, but that’s the great thing about being their own masters: They don’t need permission.

So they giggle their way through WMYB (because seriously – “the way that you flick your hair gets me overwhelmed?” Hello?!) chase Zayn across the stage during Kiss You before Niall, the little bugger, intones Strong.

Harry can feel Louis eyes on him and somewhere into the second verse, he can’t look away any longer.

He and Lou have been subtly touching all the way through the concert, Harry seeking Louis proximity, always keeping an eye on each other throughout the show.

Their eyes lock and this must have been what Louis envisioned when he wrote this song: Harry on stage, singing directly to him.

Louis eyes are so bright, he keeps trying to suppress the fond smile but loses.

Harry just wants to kiss him.

He has half a mind to just walk over to him but then the song comes to an end and suddenly Liam has clasped his hand around his shoulder.

“So the next one we’re gonna sing has actually been written by Harry here. Never made it on the set list of WWA unfortunately because… umh… some people didn’t deem it ‘ _inappropriate_ ’” Harry blinks a little dumbstruck at Liam, trying to figure out which song he’s talking about.

“Give it up for “Something Great” please!” Zayn shouts and then the music starts and Harry feels his body tense.

Louis looks over just as wide eyed, obviously as gutted as Harry is.

They have no choice but to sing it, even so Louis kicks Niall’s shin discreetly and glares at Liam.

Harry tries to avoid looking at Louis, knowing everyone will just be able to read his face like an open book if he does.

He focuses on the crowd, gaze wandering over the heads of people, looking at nothing in particular.

So understandably he jumps a little when a hand settles on his waist.

The familiar scent tells him who it is before he can turn his head and then Louis is standing next to him, beaming at him brighter than any spotlight ever could and Harry…

Everything else fades away just like that, the roar of the crowd grows distant and all he can see, all he can feel, is Louis.

Bright and happy and so, so beautiful.

Louis, who reaches up to cup his face, his hand with the new tattoo on full display, cameras catching and video screens magnifying it.

Louis who breathes “you’re all I want, so much it’s hurting” directly at him, talking to no one else but Harry.

“I want to kiss you so badly” Harry blurts out while the last note fades and Louis – smiles.

“What’s stopping you then?”

“You… I… here?”

Louis shrugs. “I want you to kiss me. I don’t care who sees”

“Are you sure, I mean – “

Louis cuts him off by leaning in, lips gently brushing Harry’s.

Eyes fluttering shut, Harry presses against his boyfriends lips, reciprocating the kiss gently.

“Love you” Louis mumbles against his mouth before he pulls away and Harry has to take a deep breath before he dares to look around.

Liam, Zayn and Niall are grinning widely at them while everyone else… it’s so quiet, you could hear a pin drop.

“Anyone, who so much as thinks about giving them shit for this can leave and never come back!” Zayn says, glaring at the crowd.

“Anyone who’s just as happy as we are that they’re finally free and able to do just what they want; you may stay” Liam adds and Niall hugs Harry and Louis, pressing a kiss to each of their cheeks.

“Well done, boys!”

It’s pure chaos after that, Harry actually has to hide in Louis arms because… well, it’s a little overwhelming when a whole stadium rises to their feet and gives you standing ovations just for being you and loving who you love.

 

~

 

Harry always wanted something great from life, something exceptional.

At some point, he thought it was being on stage. Performing the songs he’s written, being the center of attention.

_Being a star_.

Now, he realizes that it means nothing in comparison.

He had something great all along, he was just too blind and stupid to see it.

This boy, this beautiful boy here, with his arms wrapped tightly around him will always be the greatest thing Harry could have ever asked for.

No matter what happens, what life throws at them, he’s got Louis at his side.

And he’s never going to let him go again.

 

Louis will always be the last something that’ll mean just about _everything_ to Harry.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all so much for having the patience and faith to stay with this story until the end. 
> 
> And since none of you threatened to find me and burn my house down after reading this, you'll be hearing from me again :)  
> Next one should be up in about ~4 weeks and will be an AU.
> 
> Dutchie has agreed to a deal with the devil (haha), meaning she'll beta again and since she'll be with me all the way this time, I can finally whine to an audience and pester someone with my random ideas :) 
> 
> Massive thank you to all of you who left comments and kudos, especially to Mary & Boo, who have been nothing but supportive, lovely, great and absolutely sweet! Wouldn't have gotten this far without you! xxx
> 
> Big love and "see" you soon hopefully!  
> xJx


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